Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: The Beautiful Thing About Subpar

You know, this charter from hell may have lasted mere days for the crew of Below Deck Mediterranean, but it has lasted nearly A MONTH for viewers. We deserve a night off! As the upright apes and their female companions prepare to depart the Ionian Princess, everyone has been driven to the brink of insanity. Well, everyone except Danny Zureikat, who prefers to drive the insanity bus rather than get hit by it!

Julia D’Albert Pusey is feeling socio-economically oppressed by Ben Robinson (or rather, by everything Ben represents). Hannah Ferrier has plastered on a fake smile to appease the horrific guests. And Bobby Giancola and Bryan Kattenburg are watching A Perfect Murder on repeat, hoping to glean tips. They, along with just about everyone else, are done with Daniel-san.

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Bobby and Bryan let their ‘roid rage fly every time Danny is in their presence, relentlessly teasing him about his phone privileges and his man-boy ways. Danny tries to shrug their hazing off, but you can tell he’s thiiiiiiiiis close to popping off. Is this their ploy? Get Danny all worked up so his true colors shine? Hmmm. (Conundrum: if one can’t stand either Bryan or Danny, who does one root for in this situation!?!? #perplexed)

The yacht docks – barely, thanks to Danny – in beautiful Santorini so the guests can go for a morning jaunt ashore. Captain Mark Howard arranges for donkeys to carry the a$$hats up the mountain, then tells the crew they’ll have to prepare for them to leave in the middle of the night. Fun times. 

Ben is still reeling from Julia’s accusations about his background and his character. Julia knows she’s struck a nerve, and wonders if she went too far? Never knowing when he’s gone too far, Danny blissfully plays with his phone in the crew mess, showing Tiffany Copeland the mad raps he made with his sister back home. Tiffany seems like one of the few people who gets along with Danny at this point. In fact, is there anyone she hasn’t gotten along with thus far? Oh wait – scratch that. She still hates Bryan. Good girl! 

Julia approaches Ben in the galley to apologize for hurting his feelings, which Ben admits crept up on him out of nowhere. He claims he doesn’t want to talk about it because he’ll just get more upset. He also brushes his emotional reaction off as having “nothing to do with her.” But Julia knows better. They leave it at that for now. 

As the crew prepare for the charter’s last dinner, Hannah Ferrier greets them – and their new friend Marcos – with the best good sneer cheer she can manage. She then gives Ben the bad news that there’s an extra bloke for dinner, and it’s his birthday! Thank god the guests were joking when they asked for a birthday cake. Ben’s not up for it. He’s also not up for talking about his life story with Julia, though she tries to approach him again. Julia admits she was indeed exhausted when she went off on him; Ben admits her accusations hurt because he’s tried his entire life to leave his posh background behind him. They hug it out and call Hannah a b*tch for good measure. Snort! 

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Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the douchiest of them all? It’s a toss up between the charter guest drunkenly falling off his chair right now and Bryan (at all times). Hannah is just pleased that the guests are eating actual food in between drinks, and that they’re leaving in T-minus 6 hours. Plus, Ben made a torte! Or a cheesecake! Or something resembling a birthday substance? So, everyone is happy on their final night aboard.  

Ben is especially happy these days when Tiffany is around, who he chats up on deck after dinner. Bryan, who disgustingly lied about “rejecting” Tiffany earlier this season, claims he’s happy for Ben if he wants to put the moves on Tiffany. Mmm hmm. <side eye> Tiffany is warming up to Ben…plus, it’s a long haul on a small boat. So, any port in a storm! 

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Speaking of storms…Danny is caught in the act! Phone out, talking to guests. Guess who else has his phone out? Bryan. Who takes a photo of Danny WITH his phone WITH the guests. Bwaahahahaha! Danny immediately goes into damage control, delivering his “I’m sorry, I made a mistake” speech – yet again – to the Captain. His whole spiel about taking a guest’s number totally-by-mistake-and-it’s-the-last-time-so-forgive-me-one-more-time is just tired and played out at this point, which even Ben sees.

Captain Mark discusses the issue with Ben, Bryan, and Bobby, who then ask Danny to get his phone and prove he hasn’t been taking photos of the guests. Danny runs off to dismantle his phone before the Captain can see it, but not before Bobby catches him in the act. Captain Mark thinks Danny is a liar. Bobby, Bryan, and Ben think Danny a liar. Santa, Jesus, and Gandhi think Danny is a liar. Because Danny IS A LIAR!!! He needs to walk the plank immediately. But that decision will have to wait until the guests leave, which they do with very little fanfare.  

After the guests depart, the Captain informs the crew of their tip: 22,000 Euros, a paltry sum for twice the length of a normal charter and six thousand times the a$$holery. And one bloody tampon. #NoTipCoversThat 

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As the exhausted and demoralized crew prepare for bed, Danny decides to call Bryan and Bobby out after Bobby tells Danny everyone is mad at him. “Not everyone [is] – just you two butt buddies!” snarks Danny. Bobby, shirt off and ready to scrap, towers over a seated Danny in the crew mess, threatening to “take care of this kid right now!” Captain Mark and Bryan come in to witness/diffuse the situation. But Danny takes this opportunity to ‘splain his reasons for taking the sim card out of his phone earlier. Oh, Danny. There is not enough Shut the F**k Up in the world for you.  

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As Bobby threatens to beat his a$$ when they get on dry land, the Captain is just worried about Danny being killed tonight. He can’t sleep in Bobby’s bunk, as Bobby has throw out all of his sh*t in the hallway! Julia is shocked to see this side of Bobby, but I, for one, am not.

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I’m not sure if Danny is just planted here by Bravo to annoy every single human aboard the Ionian Princess, to keep viewers tuned in, or if it’s just that Danny reminds me of a certain percentage of teenage students I’ve had over the years as a high school teacher. But I feel comfortably ready to stab Danny with an ice pick right now too. I get Bobby’s rage, however immature it is. If I were trapped on a boat with Danny, I’m not sure I could be held responsibly for a psychotic break either! 

In the end, Danny is sent to the guest cabin to sleep, for his own safety. 

The next morning, Danny talks smack to Bryan about Bryan getting “proof” of his phone antics the night before. As Danny dances all over the table, mimicking Bryan and calling him an a$$hole, baboon face, etc…one has to wonder: isn’t this alone grounds for firing!?!? Captain Mark seems resigned to let Danny infect the crew like cancer for the one remaining charter they have rather than fire him, but how much further does Danny have to take it? Bryan is a terrible, misogynistic, ineffective superior. But Danny is just…a petulant child with delusions of grandeur, which makes him absolutely insufferable. And even worse, he knows he can get away with it.  

Jen Riservato and Tiffany snicker on the sidelines as Danny tells Bryan that he and his “butt buddy” can keep “going at it” while he does his thing. Then he walks away in triumph, knowing he’s untouchable. Bryan, having had it, goes to the Captain to complain. Which begs the question: why can’t Bryan handle Danny with some swift punishment of his own? His First Mate status is mere decoration at this point. Captain Mark says Danny has no respect for authority or the chain of command on a yacht. Ya THINK!? 

Danny is called to the bridge, where he defends himself to Captain Mark as the innocent employee being harassed unjustly by his awful boss. Well, he’s half right. Bryan shakes his head while Danny drones on and on about other people not “bringing out the best” in him. Plus, he doesn’t trust Bryan and Bryan doesn’t trust him. “I don’t trust you either,” deadpans Captain Mark. “You have been toxic to this boat ever since you arrived, and your work is subpar.” Yeehaw! #CaptainUnchained!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark gives Danny his ticket home, some advice to get into a different industry, and an hour to walk his narrow butt off the boat. “You are outta here,” ends the Captain, who speaks softly but carries a big stick. Danny delusionally thinks the “bullies” won, having learned nothing about himself from this life lesson. Ben tries to comfort Danny as he pops his pork pie hat on, packs his sh*t, and leaves.

But Danny of the zero introspection just hugs everyone and smiles his smarmy smile, riding off on his donkey of shame. He tearfully reflects, “You know the beautiful think about subpar? There’s room for improvement!” And just like that, Walmart gets their next greeter. 

As the crew celebrate “an a$$ riding and a$$ up the mountain,” Jen seems to be the only one aware that Danny was only part of the problem. They’ve still got Bryan – and, in part – Bobby to deal with. 

Later that night, Bobby plays guitar and gives Julia the gift of a harmonica. He still wants to make beautiful music together, which Julia plays along with teasingly. But their little riff is interrupted when Julia cuts things short to go call her boyfriend. Bobby is sick of being led on. 

The next morning, Captain Mark advises Bryan that the Danny situation was a no-win conundrum. He ends Bryan’s probationary period, assigning him the permanent role of First Mate going forward. HUH? Well, Captain Mark, your stint as the Hero of the Hour was short lived, but fun while it lasted! Bryan tells Bobby and Jen the news. Jen thinks, “Congratulations, Bryan. You’re officially a douchebag.” Then she is forced to fist bump her deck crew to celebrate. 

The crew toast to Danny’s departure with dinner and a night out in Santorini. Hannah is good with Ben again, while Tiffany now wants her some Ben. After falling all over him on the dance floor, she makes out with Mr. Robinson while he muses that Tiffany seems like a lot of fun, but not a lot of work.

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Over at the bar, Bobby is picking up his own chick. Then trying to bring her back to the yacht! Hannah shuts that sh*t down hardcore by pulling rank, while Julia just gives him her best stank eye. Bobby drunkenly argues, then finally relents. He then accuses everyone of being jealous of him, but they all just laugh hysterically at him from the tender. Now irate, Bobby decides to go off on Julia and her “frickin BOYFRIEND!” He screams, “He’s a p*ssy!” before saying his tearful goodbyes with his thwarted one night stand. 

So, is this like Heathers, where one Heather dies and the next Heather turns into the HBIC? Because Bobby is now looking and acting suspiciously like a little deckhand who’s name starts with a “D” and rhymes with “fanny.” Uh oh. 

TELL US: ARE YOU GLAD DANNY GOT FIRED? IS BRYAN MORE TO BLAME THAN DANNY IN THEIR BEEF? SHOULD BRYAN HAVE BEEN PROMOTED TO FIRST MATE, PROPER? 

Photo Credit: Bravo