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Below Deck recap

Last week on Below Deck, we waved goodbye to Trevor Walker with our middle fingers and saw Sierra Storm break down in tears over a high stress night in the kitchen with Ben Robinson. Now, Miss “I Need To Have Positivity Around Me” is thinking about leaving because of her super special hurt feelings.

But before anyone can muster any forced sympathy for Sierra, they’ll have to adjust to a new deckhand on board. And he’s here to add more complexity to the already messy love triangle (growing quickly into a trapezoid!) on Valor. It’s gonna be stormy seas, folks!

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Ben regrets choosing Sierra as his sous chef (er, salad wench) for the 12-course meal he cooked the first night of charter, but now he’s prepared to make nice with her to keep the peace. Meanwhile, Nico Scholly and Lauren Burchnell are taking some time to chill now that Trevor has been cut out like anal cancer. But there’s a problem! Lauren has the hots for Nico, and she thinks he does for her as well. Not so. For he loves Emily Warburton-Adam! As does bosun Kelley Johnson! It’s like poor (very, very poor) man’s Shakespearean comedy! With deckhands! And mops!

Lauren is not a complete idiot for long, though, as she picks up on sparks flying when Nico and Emily take a break to swim around together, looking a little too “friendly” in the deep blue sea.

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Soon enough, the bored charter guests distract everyone and gross out viewers worldwide when they decide to engage in a push-up competition. The winner gets nothing. But the loser will get his chest waxed into a “V” for Valor! The contest, which doesn’t last long, is described best by Kelley, who comments on the grunting and huffing on deck. “It’s like seals mating.”

Ever the consummate professional, Kate Chastain is at the ready with a tub of hot wax before the guests can say “I am half gorilla.” The waxing commences, and goes a little something like this:

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…then this:

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…finally ending along the lines of this:

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It is, um, NOT PRETTY. Neither is the plate of furry wax strips Kate must clean up afterward. But it’s basically all in good fun until one of the guests grossly asks Emily, “Hey, can we see your ‘V’?” Emily, to her credit, does not decapitate him on the spot with a machete. Maybe she is the consummate professional here? But then again, she is dealing with Early Man. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I offer you Exhibit A, as hard evidence:

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At dinner later, the guests get more lewd as they hit on the female staff relentlessly, ogle Sierra’s boobs, and generally act like enormous tools. Such is to be expected of the level of guests on Below Deck this season, I suppose! Kate plans something special as a parting gift for the guests’ departure, though, which is a perfect cherry on top of their frat boy trip: A framed/laminated presentation of their disgusting wax strips. Bwah! #KateForTheWin #PenisTowel2.0

The guests accept their gift with humor, praise Ben’s cooking, and hand over their tip before leaving. So, no harm, no foul.

Tip meeting! Captain Lee Rosbach is pleased with the improvement in communication since last charter. (Erm, could that have something to do with Trevor being booted off the boat?) Kate and Ben are getting along better though, admittedly, and the crew is happy to see their $20K tip – split 10 ways, thankyouverymuch, Trevor! – a massive sum for a short charter. The crew is thrilled.

Lauren is also thrilled that she and Nico can bond over their teamwork, which she interprets as flirting. But Kate sees the truth of the matter: For Nico, Lauren has definitely been “friend-zoned.” Nico sees her as a sister, not a boat-mance.

Before they can catch their breath, it’s already time for Captain Lee to apprise Kate, Kelley, and Ben of the next charter guests. They’re a married couple with a blended Brady Bunch-esque family who will hopefully be less base and disgusting than the previous mouth breathers. “We’ve got no weirdos!” cheers Lee, who also alerts the group that a new deckhand will be joining them tomorrow. A deckhand who has limited experience, is holding an apple in his head shot (???), and who Kate hopes is just interesting – not another freak. Kelley sums up,”He’s either going to be a knob or he’s not.” Yup.

In the galley, Kate is chatting up Ben about troubles in her relationship with girlfriend Ro. Ben can barely conceal his confusion (jealousy?) as he attempts to partake in the convo.

Later on, the crew decide to head out to celebrate, with a dolled up Emily catching Nico and Kelley’s attention right away. The duel to the death is ON! Lauren begins to suspect Nico’s crush on Emily when he cozies up to her on the tender, but reality hits her smack in the face once they get to dinner. Nico’s laser-like attention on Emily cannot be denied, and Lauren feels like she’s been playing the fool in this lover’s dance all along.

Kelley also notices Nico advancing his chess game, but claims he’s not threatened. For him, this is a marathon rather than a sprint. He’s waiting in the wings to strike.

Now thoroughly depressed about being rejected, Lauren refuses to join the group for dancing, walking down to the beach to pout instead. Kelley joins her, but can’t quite manage to cheer her up. Plus, he’s got some macking to do on Emily back in the club, so he’s gotta get out of here!

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Back at the club, Nico wonders what Lauren’s damage is??? “Dude, she likes you!” Ben tells him plainly, which seems like it comes as an utter surprise to the clueless Nico, who then heads down to the beach to comfort Lauren. But he’s not of much help, as Lauren just wants to be left alone. She’s hurting and doesn’t want the source of her pain comforting her right now.

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Now left alone with Emily, Kelley starts making his moves. You know, like getting Emily liquored up, waxing poetic about Ramen noodles, and telling her that Nico already has a girlfriend. WHAT!? Shots fired! Shots fired!!!! Emily is disgusted with men who flirt with other women, all while having “other connections” back home. She does not approve! Kelley’s all “oops” about his revelation, which seems like a boldfaced lie. (Is he lying? What the f–k is going on here!?!?!?)

Back on board, things get messier as a drunken Nico knocks on Sierra’s door to attempt a kiss! Sierra runs out of her room screaming with laughter, relaying the bizarre story to Kate immediately. “Are you kidding me?” questions Kate, who does not know that at this very moment, Nico has now made his way into Emily’s room. Where he’s trying to get with her! Emily questions him about having a girlfriend, which Nico claims “was, like months ago,” but she’s not biting tonight anyway. She sends Nico packing with only a ratty towel in hand. He might need that later.

The next morning, Lauren wants to put the pain and embarrassment of the previous night behind her, hoping Nico doesn’t broach the issue of her being upset at all. Meanwhile, Emily and Sierra compare notes on the #FullFrontalNicoMeltown of last night, which both ladies find more hilarious than menacing.

Kelley just hopes Nico and Lauren can work together now, because he does not want to lose another deckhand.

Speaking of deckhands, Kyle comes aboard and is immediately told by Captain Lee that he needs to TRIM THAT BEARD. He also is barely intelligible, even by British Ben, as his thick Northern English dialect is pretty much indecipherable by everyone aboard. Thus, he can insult everyone undetected! Sweet.

Below deck, Nico is making his apology tour. First stop: Emily, who calls Nico out on trying to make out with two girls in one night. He admits he was drunk and stupid. Emily seems to let it roll off her back. She is clearly not interested in this messy dude.

As Kyle settles in, he gets to know Lauren and Kelley. Kyle is from Manchester, has a child, and seems up for adventure. Nico is back in working mode with the deck crew, but avoids getting deep with Lauren…for now. Lauren has also been filled in about Nico’s kissing adventures from the previous night, so it’s probably in his best interest that he keeps his distance! “He’s just not the guy I thought he was,” sighs Lauren.

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Down in the engine room later, Nico does attempt to talk things out with Lauren. But she’s not up for this heart to heart, instead hoping that her initial feelings for Nico fade in time. She’s willing to at least give the friendship/coworker thing a try with Nico for the good of the order, which definitely wins her the award for Most Mature Person Ever to appear on this – or any other – season of Below Deck!

As the charter guests arrive, they’re greeted with the usual champagne, smiles, and a tour. They seem like a low key, fun family who Kate won’t have to wax the fetid back hair off of. So, looks promising!

Kyle also looks promising, as he does his job without complaint (are you watching this, Trevor??). Kelley is thrilled with this upgrade! Which is much deserved after the Trevor Torture he endured these past many weeks.

In the crew mess, Kyle is immediately drawn to Sierra, who he describes hilariously as “having the Alaskan face.” She’s “cold weather” and sturdy enough for this Manchester boy, apparently, and he looks to be wasting no time hitting that up.

Kate thinks the sexual tension on Valor is getting out of control, and that Emily should just take her damn pick of men already and relieve them all! “Someone, anyone – I don’t care!” laments Kate, who seems to have sniffed out Ben’s low key interest in Emily as well.

But no one will be relieving any sexual tension at the moment, as it’s all hands on deck to entertain the charter guests with water toys and drinks, followed by lunch. Kate is concerned about how much the charter parents are allowing their young-ish daughters to drink, so she decides to do the motherly thing and water down their drinks going forward.

Maybe she should try this with Nico’s drinks next time they’re out as well? It might prevent him from kissing her, Captain Lee, a lamp post, or hair waxing strips in the future. You know, any port in a storm!

TELL US: DID NICO RUIN HIS CHANCES WITH EMILY? WILL EMILY CHOOSE ANY OF THESE GUYS IN THE END? DOES KYLE LOOK PROMISING?

Photo Credit: Bravo

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