Call me a cynic, but I think this season of Little Women: LA was extended for the express purpose of showcasing Terra Jole’s first training session for Dancing With The Stars, which she does on last night’s finale. The issues between Christy McGinty Gibel, Briana Renee, and Terra were pretty much corked up during Tonya Banks’ survival retreat last week, after all.
But production Elena Gant thinks it might be worth one more try! So she gets the ladies together for a “land sailing” day in one final attempt to heal that which will never be healed: The bruised egos within this group. (Does anybody else get the sense that this might be Elena’s final swan song on LWLA? She seems Totally. Over. It.) Despite the one-track storyline of Christy v. Everybody this season, I do still hold out hope for this show, which I’ve truly loved watching over the years. So c’mon, ladies, rally! I just can’t quit you!
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Preston and Elena are spending some kid-free time at the miniature train store. Not Elena’s favorite pastime, but she stands by her man, and his hobbies! Disappointed at the result of Tonya’s outing last week, Elena wants to gather the girls to try mending relationships again. She wants to remain friends with the entire group, and she recalls the good old days when you could invite them ALL to outings without WW III ensuing every damn time. Preston suggests a location far, far away. Because he’s no fool.
Christy and Todd are out to lunch discussing family issues. Autumn is doing better, but Christy’s father is still struggling. Christy is ready for some relief – from family and friend drama, alike. She says she’ll have to be okay with how things were left at the retreat, even though it wasn’t ideal. She can keep her distance from Terra, but Briana will always have a special place in her heart. Still raw about not receiving “honest” apologies from either of them, Christy holds out hope that will change.
At a self defense class Tonya organizes, she, Terra, Elena, and Briana fend off a silver-helmeted “attacker” with only the fierceness of their right jabs and groin kicks. Tonya hopes Briana takes the hint that defending oneself doesn’t always necessitate a gun – especially when you live with a volatile, angry man who could turn that gun on you (dark thought, I know, but a potential fear nonetheless). After training, Tonya admits that her survivalist retreat left her feeling deflated. She wants peace, and Terra says she does too, but that doesn’t mean friendships will be rekindled. Fair enough.
Elena wants Terra to walk her talk though, so she suggests land sailing as their final group outing. Briana pipes up that she’ll be a “cordial acquaintance” to Christy there, but nothing more. Elena calls bullsh*t on Briana’s brokedown high horse, reminding her how many chances she gave certain cretins in the past! What does Briana want from Christy, beyond the apology for “meddling” that she’s already offered? Does she want her to bend down, kiss the ground she walks on, pay homage to Queen Bonnie and King Clyde forever? Briana stubbornly refuses to bend. Because she is a ridiculous person.
Tonya is at the eye surgeon to get Lasik surgery. After the procedure is over, Tonya is thrilled with the result – and with her Terminator sunglasses! Lil Robot Boss! She and Kerwin discuss Angelique’s dating life, which still remains the worst/best kept secret among their family. She’s seeing her ex-boyfriend, Reggie, but won’t tell her parents. Tonya wants Angelique to date a BMW, “Black Man Working,” but she fears Reggie does not fit the bill. Hence, the secrecy.
Out to dinner, Briana and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] talk about Briana’s self defense class, which she felt empowered by. In the strangest scripted by Lifetime segue ever, Briana says the self defense class reminded her of Christy. Who is dead to her. (Remember? Good. Because Briana really, really wants us to know this!) Briana maintains that she is not following Terra’s lead; she’s making up her own fierce mama mind! Matt says he wants to see Briana go out with the entire group and have fun, despite who’s there. (Was he given these lines courtesy of Lifetime’s HR department?!) Briana hopes that land sailing will be the time to test that theory.
At DWTS practice, Terra is frustrated that she won’t be able to live up to Sasha Farber’s expectations. For all of her faults, she does put in a major effort on that dance floor, and is an incredible example of overcoming challenges to compete. She confesses to Tonya and Elena, who visit her on set, that she’s also feeling excluded among the contestant group. She feels like they might not take her seriously as a competitor, which depresses her. Her postpartum body, hormones, and lack of sleep are also dragging her down, which is only natural. Tonya and Elena are sympathetic.
Tonya reminds Terra that she is a serious competitor – she’s got this! Elena knows that most people don’t know what little people are capable of, so this is a chance to show them. It’s going to be alright, mama. Terra does have some good news for the girls though: She wants them to come to the first DWTS show! They all cheer.
At Tonya’s house, Angelique is bringing Eddie over for his interrogation introduction. Tonya and Kerwin go in guns blazing immediately, asking “Are you having SEX?” right out of the gate. After recovering from that nightmare, Eddie confesses that he does see Angelique as marriage material. He’s serious about her, which Tonya hopes is a good thing. He also has a car and a job, which are even better things.
At a playland with their kids, Jasmine Sorge, Chris, and Briana hang out. Jasmine gets real with Briana: She’s disappointed in how immature she and Terra acted at the retreat by not agreeing to be teamed up with Christy for any of the “bonding” activities. Briana says that just being there was enough, which is laughable and pathetic. But what about Christy’s apology? Briana says it wasn’t good enough. She will never be satisfied, and that’s that. Briana’s massive ego about her righteous indignation is not about to shrink. And a pregnant, exhausted Jasmine is not about to care anymore. She might be seeing the light when it comes to Briana and her delusional stubbornness – finally!
Kerwin and Tonya get their mini golf on, discussing their relationship along the way. Tonya admits it was tough at first, but things have improved considerably since then. Kerwin admits he misses Texas, but he’s feeling more at home each day. They’d both like to buy a new home together, though, to make a fresh start. They vow to do so with a kiss.
Time for land sailing! Jasmine is already in a sour mood, being 7 months pregnant in the desert. She doesn’t even know if she can partake in the activities due to her delicate state, nor does Christy, whose neck issues prevent her from this kind of thing. As the rest of the gang arrives, Terra tries her best to be cordial to Christy, which is a vast improvement over the past 16 episodes. We’ll take it! She is freaked out that this land sailing might be moto-cross 2.0…and we all know how that turned out.
Terra ends up loving it, though, as do the other ladies (minus Jasmine), and nobody flips their sh*t! So, it’s a win! And there’s extra hilarity when Tonya is left motionless and windless, with no “heffas” in sight to help her. THESE are the scenes we need more of! But before we have too much fun, it’s time for another Christy confrontation, brought to us courtesy of Terra.
Admitting that she’s not innocent in their ongoing issues, Terra tells Christy that she just doesn’t want to fight anymore. If only for the sake of the group, who needs to move forward. Christy suspects Terra’s motives are not pure. Is she being fake? Christy might never know, but she claims to “have an open heart” about it all. Hmm. Yet her stank face doesn’t quite read “open heart” to me. It reads more like “I smell fish farts.” Still – progress, people! PROGRESS!!
Back in the shade, Tonya leads the girls in a toast. But Elena still thinks there’s unfinished business, as does Jasmine. They’re sick of this immature crap, but they have no control over changing it. Terra wonders why they are so obsessed with problems that don’t concern them? Terra, as producer of this show, should know that problems within a margin of the group affect the whole of the group. And more importantly, the fate of her beloved show.
Let’s just hope Terra can put her big girl panties on for season 6 and show us what this mysterious “moving forward” actually looks like. As for Briana, man. I am officially OUT on that chick! Some people are past the point of reason and, I fear, she is one of them. No words.
In farewell nods to each lady, we’re told that Jasmine’s pregnancy gets complicated, as she develops gestational diabetes (ugh – not fun). Tonya is still working on her Lil’ Boss Body active wear line, and locking Kerwin down as her cave man. Briana is still trying to “rebuild her marriage with Matt” <dry heave> and remains friends with Terra. But she ain’t about to give Christy her phone number yet!
Since filming, Christy is focusing on her family, not her frenemies. Elena launched her “Little Palettes” makeup line – and she might be ready to launch into another pregnancy soon! Lastly, Terra is busy competing in DWTS. And trying to make “D’Artanyan” happen.
And, that’s a wrap on season five! Oh, season six, please hear my prayer: Let there be multiple interesting, unique storylines unfold before us, not just one that gets beaten senseless over the head for five straight months until we’re all ready to commit group suicide. Pretty please! It’s not too much to ask after suffering through what we have, is it? Amen. 😉
TELL US: WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FINALE – AND OF SEASON 5? WHAT DO YOU HOPE TO SEE ADDRESSED AT THE REUNION?
Photo Credit: Lifetime
