If there is one thing you can count on when it comes to Real Housewives, it’s one of the ladies planning a lunch, dinner, drinks, brunch, spin class, pool party, or waxing session (to name a few) to resolve friendship problems amongst feuding cast mates. The Real Housewives of Potomac are no different and Grande Dame, Karen Huger is at the helm of a high tea to try and squash the growing beef between HBIC, Gizelle Bryant and the HMPDIC (Head Multiple Personality Disorder in Charge), Charrisse Jackson-Jordan.
Karen has good reason to start focusing her time elsewhere: now that all her little birds have flown the nest, she just wanders the halls of her Rent-a-Mansion in bright orange athleisure wear, calling her daughter, who is just trying to live her life away at college. The “tomb” of a home Karen is living in (she got that right) isn’t fit for a Grande Dame and so it must go. The search for a new home, maybe one that isn’t rented and full of cheap, staged furniture is already in full swing. As long as it has a circular driveway, mind you.
All of Ashley Darby’s attention has been focused on her
school project Oz, the Aussie themed restaurant that her husband Michael is generously letting her play with while he foots the bill. Charrisse and Robyn Dixon come out for a free meal and to “support” Ashley. Considering the place is empty, they have plenty of privacy to gossip over camel burgers and emu. Charrisse doesn’t know what emu is but no matter, she doesn’t eat meat anymore anyway. #thenewcharrisse because part of reinventing yourself also means cutting out animal protein. The ladies discuss going to the Casino Royale fundraiser (ugh, how unoriginal) being hosted by former cast mate, Katie Rost. It’s been a year in the making and while Charrisse was booted off as a chairwoman for the event, she was asked to bring her highfalutin friends along. She’s happy to do it because in case you didn’t hear Charrisse the twentieth time, she’s GOOD and her life is about HER now. Her husband Eddie, still holed up in a husbands-who-won’t-come-home safe-house somewhere in New Jersey, had his lawyer send her paperwork stating he will be filing for divorce soon. Damn, that’s cold. But Charrisse is more concerned about her issues with Gizelle. I’m sorry did I say concerned? I meant unconcerned, because that’s what Charrisse keeps saying, even though I feel like she IS concerned because why else would she keep talking about it?
The big night of Katie’s event arrives and Charrisse shows up in red, looking like the devil herself, with her minion Sheldon in tow. As Sheldon twirls through the empty space where a crowd should be, we see the foreshadowing of what can only be a flop of an event. As much as I like Katie, the ladies are right with their side eye – this event sucks and Katie can no longer brag about her fundraising skills. Especially after the Jackson Five Tribute Trio performed. I don’t know who set that up but Gizelle’s face was worth watching over and over again. Gizelle did turn it out in that lace jumpsuit though. It’s unfortunate she wasted such a good outfit on what looks like a retirement home game night, but that’s the fashion risk you have to take.
One of the highfalutin friends Charrisse wrangled up arrives in the form of Monique Samuels, wifey to Chris, who played some kind of sport that involves a ball. Charrisse introduces Monique to Ashley and they screech compliments at each other about how hot the other one is, Charrisse tries desperately to get one herself but is drowned out by the newly formed alliance between women who are younger and hotter. Across the room, Karen and The Black Bill Gates are lip pursing their way through the crowd of eccentrics, like people named C-omi. You know, like Naomi, but with a C. Is the night over yet so we can move on to Gizelle and her new man? Ok, good.
The new man in Gizelle’s life is Kevin, who she describes as the perfect man – he’s a friend of many years, is funny, has some money in his pocket….all the points that an eligible housewife needs in a man. Before we go on, can someone please tell me why Kevin looks so familiar? Have we seen him somewhere else before or is watching too much Real Housewives rotting my brain (don’t answer that last part)? Anyway, although Gizelle is feeling this date, she’s not the kind of woman to give it up easily, despite what Charrisse has to say, so she lets it be known that Kevin will get none of this tonight.
Robyn heads over to Karen’s tomb of a house for the first time ever and she is surprisingly impressed. Karen swans to the door in a floppy hat all the kids at Coachella wear and cites rain for the reason she is sporting headwear. Unless it’s raining indoors, I don’t know what she means but OK, Karen, roll with that. Over grocery store bought snacks barely out of their plastic containers and a game of pool, Karen invites Robyn to her high tea/friendship resolution outing, noting inwardly that she has to add Robyn and Gizelle to the list of friendships that need help. Apparently, Robyn expressing an opinion on Gizelle and Charrisse’s feud outside of her friend Gizelle’s presence causes the Grande Dame’s sketched on eyebrows to raise.
When Ashley isn’t slaving over kangaroo patties at Oz, she is busy forgetting her wedding date and making it up to her husband Michael by blending him up a smoothie. Or at least trying to. While Ashley whines that Michael doesn’t trust her to make decisions about the restaurant, she calls him over from his computer to help her make the ever complicated smoothie in their blender. She wants to talk about fun things, like having a baby next year and Michael wants to bring her back down to earth by explaining how much money they are losing at Oz. It’s a rude wake up call for Ashley and she’s feeling judged by her husband but I think it’s time Miss Ashley learned that you can’t just toss your husband’s money at every problem and expect it to be solved with an emu panini.
It’s time to get to know Monique a little better. She’s a woman of fine taste, who humble brags about owning four houses and brings an assistant along with her to work out at barre class. Now before you go getting too impressed, lest we forget the days when Sheree Whitfield was introduced to the world with an assistant. #RIPCharrisse and Robyn agree to do the barre workout with Monique and Charrisse quickly realizes the error of her ways. She complains loudly through the class, curing Monique every step of the way. Once the class is over and they all survive, the assistant earns her paycheck by pouring the champagne Monique has brought along with her and serving it to the ladies. As the ladies talk, slowly the layers of Monique are peeled back to reveal….more humble bragging. Monique is running her husband’s foundation and her family is quickly growing out of their twenty-six acre home. With that sad fact looming on the horizon, Monique and her family plan on selling that home (I hear Karen is looking), and buying in Potomac (I hear Karen is selling).
It’s time for high tea and Karen is operating under the assumption that no one can argue over hot tea and sandwiches. Is anyone else getting a flash back of Karen’s great auntie yelling at her about the perfect tea temperature from last season?
Monique arrives, looking every bit the part of a high tea goer, despite acknowledging that Jersey Girls sip their tea at home in front of the TV, like normal people. I mean, that might be true but I don’t know any “normal people” who don’t think a twenty-six acre home is big enough or a family of four but I digress. Gizelle shows up, excited for tea, but not so excited to see a new person in the group. Gizelle wastes no time trying to shade Monique, pouncing on the notion that Monique doesn’t have a home but Miss Mo doesn’t miss a beat, informing Gizelle that she has FOUR homes, mmmkay, sweetie? I wish she would have stopped there but then Monique makes the mistake of revealing she dropped out of rap school to be a wifey and then actually raps into a tea spoon to show off her errrr, talents. Gizelle is just as baffled as the rest of us.
Charrisse finally shows up with Ashley because they clearly stopped on the way there to grab some hats to slap on their head. Now that everyone has arrived, Karen gives a speech about tea being in the spirit of friendship and resolution (tune out) and by the time she finishes, Gizelle is busy sincerely apologizing to Charrisse (tune in) for what she said about her marriage. Ashley almost falls out of her chair and I definitely fell off of my sofa. Charrisse feels like it’s genuine, but isn’t ready to forgive quite yet and asks for a moment to get over it. To her credit, she also apologizes to Gizelle for calling her a whore. Awwwww.
So this whole tea thing is going great, right? That can’t continue so Karen decides to throw Robyn under the bus and reveal that she spoke about Gizelle behind her back and she needs to pick which friend she is going to be loyal to. Who appointed Karen the chief of the friendship police? Gizelle knows she needs to talk to Robyn about this privately (good call) and the ladies end with a toast to being authentic. Ha!
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON NEWCOMER MONIQUE? IS CHARRISSE AS UNCONCERNED AS SHE KEEPS CLAIMING?
Photo Credits: Bravo TV