Congrats, viewers! We survived season two of Real Housewives of Potomac and oh my, how things have changed around these parts. In season one, etiquette as outdated as Karen Huger’s kitchen was the name of the game and she was the Grand Dame of it all. Charrisse Jackson-Jordan was just starting to get an inkling that her husband not showing up for months on end might mean her marriage is on the rocks. Ashley Darby was still having regular sex with her
sugar daddy husband and only using his money for shopping as opposed to running a restaurant into the ground. Robyn Dixon was pretending that her marriage/not marriage was totally normal. Ok, well that hasn’t changed. Neither has Gizelle Bryant hilariously sizing up any newcomers who have the nerve to be younger and have more money than she does. Enter Monique FIVE HOUSES Samuels, who is exactly that – younger, richer and oh, relentlessly braggy about everything in her life.
So tonight’s finale shows us just how far we have come over the course of two shorts seasons but if you were looking for some festive fireworks tonight, you might want to look elsewhere. This was pretty lame as far as finales go so in an effort to make up for it, I will do my best to entertain you in the recap. You can thank me later!
Remember when Cha Cha had nothing better to do with her time or
Eddie’s money and she built a champagne room? Yeah, I tried to forget about that too. Oh and remember when she felt like it would be necessary to invite the girls over to unveil said champagne room? You can’t forget it because here we are, rejoining the ladies, who are already well past an $80,000+ room devoted solely to champagne and well into backing Karen into a corner now that she revealed she is renting a house in Great Falls. That’s right, folks, renting! She can argue till her edges come home that it’s a lease to own and she’s just trying it out, but we know better. And so do the women. Ashley calls her out for no longer being the Grand Dame of Potomac and Karen calls her an idiot.
Karen huffs about no one being happy and supportive of her news. She just cannot understand why the women she just lied to about her living situation for days (possibly weeks) wouldn’t be more excited for her! But hiding the details of the sale of your home and move out of town to a rental doesn’t exactly pass the smell test, especially for someone who has designated themselves with a noble title and calls their husband The Black Bill Gates.
Ashley is thoroughly enjoying the dragging of Karen, since she considers this payback from season one Karen treating her like a stray cat off the streets. I guess revenge really is a dish best served cold, or in Ashley’s case, frozen, because that sure was a long time ago. I didn’t even remember all that!
Karen insists that she just wants to do HER and since she is not feeling the love, she announces that she is going to have a twentieth wedding anniversary party but not everyone will be invited. Classy! To top it off, the party will be at her new house and the theme is going to be exotic, whatever the hell that means. Ashley gives a half-assed apology and my guess is she cares less about Karen’s feeling and more about being invited to see this house Karen is renting.
Over at Robyn’s house, it’s time to
finally bring something to the table before the end of the season talk to her husband/not husband, Juan, about their relationship. She feels the need to tell Juan that she was seeing a therapist, who gave her homework of going on a date. But Robyn is as awkward as this whole marriage/not marriage itself and she clears her throat into saying how much male attention she got in Bermuda while Juan sits in silence. I bet if there was a thought bubble over his head that showed exactly what he’s thinking it would say “I wonder what’s for lunch.” He doesn’t care about what she’s saying and it shows. But in case you can’t read body language, Juan makes it really easy and when he finally does speak, says he didn’t know she was seeing a therapist. Robyn, wake up! There is no clearer answer than that! He doesn’t care what you’re doing. Poor Robyn is desperately trying to get a reaction out of him, anything, and he just can’t get there. It’s like watching two robots argue over which one stores more data on their server. I must have fallen asleep from boredom for a second there and Robyn finally gets to the point, telling him she wants to spend more time working on their “relationship” instead of dating other people and he mumbles that she should do whatever she wants to do. How romantic. I would imagine this is how all flames are rekindled in a relationship. He ends with telling her she is his best friend and they will work on things for the next six months. So expect to see the same old thing next season and the season after that and that. Zzzzzz……..
In Great Falls, Karen and the BBG are moving into their new house and we learn that it’s 9 bedrooms and 14,000 square feet. Oh and the kitchen was updated within the last four decades, so that’s helpful. Either way, this is a definite upgrade from her last place, making the whole situation even fishier. If it’s short term, why would she get something so massive? If it’s for the long haul, why wouldn’t she just buy it? But Karen has more important things to worry about, like her dumb theme party, which she pitches to the BBG, who doesn’t understand why they would have an Indian themed party when they are African American. The BBG wants to bust out his dashiki and Karen purses her lips and proposes they mesh the two themes as a compromise. These theme parties are getting worse and worse and I’m really going to need Bravo production to step in and help out with some creativity. Much like Karen’s living situation, her party makes no sense but she claims the idea is fun, over the top and inclusive, which is everything a Huger party is known for. And by fun, over the top and inclusive, she means boring, tacky and only for anyone who will show up, which is everything a Huger party is known for. Now that actually makes sense.
Gizelle is about to break up with her man of the hour, Kevin. The girls trip to Bermuda brought her clarity in the form of her seeing all the eye candy she might be missing out on if she settles down with Kevin. I know, I know, y’all think Gizelle is petty and jealous but I think this is a perfect example of exactly how secure Gizelle is with her life – she’s not about to waste her love on someone who doesn’t really fulfill her. Kevin might be perfect on paper, but Gizelle needs more than that and she won’t settle for less, regardless of her age. When they meet for lunch, Gizelle is trying to let Kevin down easy and he’s not getting it. He offers to speed up their relationship, or slow it down, whatever works for her! Finally, we see it start to slowly dawn on him that he’s being broken up with. He takes it like a true gentleman, saying they will always be friends.
Karen wasn’t the only one who moved recently and we join Monique and Big Drawers, all moved into their new Potomac house and thankfully, not having sex on their kitchen island. Bravo treats us to the stats of her house again: $4.95 million, 6 bedrooms, 7 baths, and 12,000 square feet. Just enough to hold all of Monique’s insecurities. You guys are going to have to forgive me on this one because I cannot even focus on what they are talking about – I am too distracted by Monique’s horrible outfit! It looks like a cut out bathing suit (or is it a spandex top?), paired with a ruffled cargo skirt and a gold chain belt thrown over top. She looks like an extra from a Ja Rule video circa 2002. Monique needs to take some of those riches and hire a stylist STAT. Hideous outfit aside, she has invited the ladies over to see her new house and when Karen arrives, she claims she was looking in that neighborhood too. I almost fell off the couch laughing at how quick Cha Cha’s head snapped and her eyes rolled at that one. As Monique shows them around, she brags about decorating in “pops of color”, like cream and platinum and one would think that if you’re sporting an orange spandex top, you would know what pop of color means but I guess not. Charrisse suggests they sage the house to cleanse it and I wish I could sage my ears from hearing about Monique’s plans to put in a mirrored headboard and mirrors on the ceiling of the bedroom.
It’s time for Karen’s rental house warming/wedding anniversary theme party and we get to see her new rental all decorated. I’m not going to lie, it’s a really pretty house and a huge upgrade from her last one. I would take that house over the one she had in Potomac any day but again, why would she be renting something even larger than her last house, especially when she doesn’t even have furniture to put in it? But back to the party, Karen is dressed as an Indian bride and the BBG has his African attire on. She presents the BBG with his anniversary gift: a framed picture of her sexy photoshoot, wrapped up in green wrapping paper. He unwraps it and looks confused, asking where her clothes were. Ha! Of course she picked the tackiest photo possible – one of her in the foyer of their old house, the photo all off centered, showing part of their bannister from the staircase and Karen holding her hand up like she’s waiting for someone to put a serving platter on it. The BBG thanks her and casually tries to rewrap it so he never has to see it again.
Downstairs at the party, Charrisse is trying to figure out what is going on, pumping Karen’s friends for details on the move but they know less than she does and can only shrug to her questions. And then…..Monique arrives. Oh boy. She blows into the party in a full Native American costume, headdress, face paint and all. Gizelle is right, she looks like one of the Village People, if the Village People and the Real Housewives of New Jersey had a love child and dipped it in a slutty Halloween costume. Monique tries to play it off like a joke but Karen later gets out of her that she didn’t understand the difference between Indian and Native American. Meanwhile, Big Drawers is dressed like he is going out for a night with his boys in Alabama so I guess he didn’t get the memo at all.
The guests are standing around with no food or drink, waiting for Karen. She finally “arrives” with the BBG, at the top of their stairs and waives like she is bestowing her royal greeting on the crowd. Indian dancers do a performance for the parched crowd. Once outside and with access to food and drink, the place is abuzz about why Karen moved so quickly and quietly. Before anyone can get any dirt, the next round of entertainment shows up in the form of an African drum band and now we are held captive, watching Karen and the BBG do some kind of weird chicken dance/grind on each other. As if that wasn’t bad enough, we then have to listen to their speeches, where Karen talks about what a great husband the BBG is, but also how great she looks. According to her, when a man loves you right, you age right. No word on how that affects ones hair but I guess good love doesn’t extend that far for her.Once their speeches are over, they share a kiss, which would be better described as an eating of each other’s faces. What on earth did I just see? Who kisses like that? I’m going to need that sage again!
The rest of the ladies are feeling conciliatory and Ashley apologizes to Robyn for riding her so hard about her marriage/not marriage. Robyn graciously accepts and continues on with delusions of having a normal relationship. At the bar, Cha Cha and Karen hug it out too but my guess is their good will is going to last about as long as it took for Karen to high tail it out of Potomac after her house sold.
We end in the traditional Bravo finale format of what the cast is up to and I’m going to spare you of those because newsflash – it’s nothing interesting or noteworthy. Looks like all the drama is being saved for the reunion next week!
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Photo Credit: Bravo TV