Comscore

belowdeck

On Below Deck Mediterranean, the natives are restless. I repeat: the natives are restless. Atomic wedgies are being given, crew alliances are shifting, and primary charter guests are making the Sirocco their own personal swingers club. And just when you think the crew love triangle between Malia White, Adam Glick and Wesley Wiz Walton has possibly come to an end, it rears its ugly head again, all because no one involved in it can let go. Looks like the crew knows a thing or two about swinging.

We resume in Dubrovnik, the scene of Adam giving Wiz an unwarranted wedgie with so much force, that it actually rips Wiz’s underpants. Wiz, of course, is not happy and a small scuffle ensues, with only Hannah Ferrier there to separate them from a full on noogie battle to the death. Of course I can’t blame Wiz for being bright red with anger over having his underwear ripped up his butt – not only is that incredibly uncomfortable (I’m assuming) but ridiculously childish.

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Back on the boat, Adam just can’t stop trying to antagonize Wiz further and continues to get in his face. When Wiz walks away, Adam follows, right after he makes a few pit stops to wonder aloud to the rest of the crew as to just why Wes is so upset. Adam finally confronts Wiz on the bridge again and it ends with Adam showing him his butt and Wiz walking away, trying to get the hell of this crazy train he didn’t realize he bought a ticket for.

Adam has no choice but to go and whine to Hannah about what a beautiful person he thought Malia was and how ruined his trust is with her. Up until this charter season, he complains, he has never wanted anything more than he has wanted Malia. Really? I mean, not even running water for that van you live in? To my surprise, Hannah is totally sympathetic and realizes that it’s not Adam’s own immaturity and insecurity to blame for Onion Gate 2017 but in fact Malia and her devilish dick teasing ways that made Adam such a horrible person and chef all along. It’s not that Adam couldn’t cook well or keep onions out of food after the guests specifically request it, it’s that he was just too distracted by Malia that he couldn’t manage anything else! I have no idea how my level-headed favorite is coming to this conclusion, but Hannah is now drinking Adam’s kool aid and they hug it out. Save yourself, Hannah – before you find yourself on the other end of his onion spiting ways!
Everyone else on board is busy picking sides and spoiler alert – it’s not Malia’s. Malia is feeling ganged up on and goes back to her bunk to complain to Christine “Bugsy” Drake, who is willing to listen, but also not very #TeamMalia, since she admits in her talking head that she thinks Malia is a tease with the boys. Bobby Giancola, ever the gossip queen, has to get in on the action and join Malia and Bugsy to talk about it. Malia is on the defense and yells at Bobby that if she wants to bang everyone on the boat, that’s her prerogative. Whoa whoa whoa, please don’t go giving Bobby any renewed hope here.

Max Hagley has had enough of this drama though and yells at Malia for how easily she could have avoided sucking face with everyone and not strung both Wiz and Adam along. I mean, one would think it would be easy but I guess not in the world Malia is living in. You know, the one where you constantly remind everyone of how cute you are but then get mad when they think you are only getting things because of your looks.

The next morning, the awkwardness ensues, and Malia does her best to avoid talking to Adam in the kitchen as he shovels cereal into his mouth with a ladle instead of a proper spoon. You can take the boy out of the van but you can’t take the van out of the boy. While cleaning the deck, Malia thinks she has a friend in Bobby, who agrees that she shouldn’t be called names and doesn’t deserve this treatment. You see, Malia acts all tough but really, words hurt her too because it’s possible to be cute AND have feelings.

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But Malia better set all of her feelings aside and get focused on her work because Captain Sandy isn’t happy. Malia and Wiz are working the bow together to drop anchor and Captain Sandy is pissed they aren’t communicating with her. When Wiz goes up to the bridge to find out what happened, Sandy snaps that Malia is too short for her to see her holding up her fingers at Sandy’s request and he needs to find someone who is taller to do it.

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The new guests arrive for their one day charter to celebrate their wedding anniversary and boy, did they come to play! They arrive all dressed up and in hats, like they just came from the Kentucky Derby. But the Sirocco is far from Kentucky and these Texans want to make the most of it. Instead of the casual lunch that the crew had in mind, the guests want a formal lunch on the deck, which Hannah asks Bugsy to take lead service on. Naturally, Bugsy is annoyed because she is being asked to do something and thinks everything is Hannah’s job. Too bad Hannah has her hands full with a guest who is demanding she book her flight to Spain, pronto!

Hannah has to delegate and sends Lauren Cohen to actually do something instead of laundry, like unpack one of the guest rooms and take care of one of the guests for the next two hours. Lauren has been talking to Bugsy too much because although we didn’t see her busy with anything else, she has a problem with this too. Hannah busies herself looking up flights and comes up with 13 hours’ worth of travel just to get to Spain. Unacceptable, according to the guest with the unseasonable fur shawl that she busted out just for this trip. She wants to go to somewhere warm and wants a direct flight, dammit! Hannah suggests Malta and the guest seems placated for now.

While things are looking up for Hannah and Adam’s relationship, Adam is getting more and more annoyed at the one person he realizes he should have been directing his anger towards this whole time – Malia. He decides to apologize to Wiz and seeks him out on deck. Wiz doubts the actual sincerity of Adam’s words and only accepts to keep the professional peace. Wiz immediately tells Malia about it and she breathes a sigh of relief, thinking the worst is over. Little does she know, Adam’s resentment for her is only growing under his ratty cooking apron and camouflage hat that he insists on wearing to talk to the guests during their formal dinner.

Speaking of resentment, Lauren has decided her loyalty and friendship with Hannah is not worth the extra work she has to do on board and complains to Bugsy that they are doing most of the workload, while Hannah gets all the credit. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t think Hannah and Lauren were real friends or that the little friendship they had would last, but I didn’t expect Lauren to turn on Hannah over picking up a few extra towels. Isn’t that her job anyway?

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The next day, Bobby and Malia are pulling up the anchor and Malia is confused as to why she was made lead deckhand but Sandy is already challenging her. It’s not fair, she whines (as I play the world’s tiniest violin). As they leave port, Malia tries to instruct Bobby on what to do but Bobby refuses her orders since he has done this multiple times and knows a better way. Well, if you think Miss I’m Too Cute To Be Taken Seriously is going to stand for not being taken seriously, then you have another thing coming! Malia accuses Bobby of being competitive and argues with him that he needs to let go of that fact that he didn’t get lead deckhand. Then she proceeds to Malia-splain (that’s when you are brand new at a job and tell others with more experience how to do things in a condescending manner) to Bobby how to get the position of a lead deckhand. She leaves out the part where you suck face with your boss and says it’s by demonstrating leadership, being a team player and not being a dick. To Bobby’s credit, instead of schooling Malia on how the merit world works when you don’t hook up with the person who promoted you or just laughing right in her face, Bobby walks away from the conversation without saying anything else.

The guests depart, presumably to harass their new hotel staff in Malta and swing in a warmer environment, and leave a nice $15K tip. Not bad for a one day charter!

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It’s finally time for the crew to have a night off and release some of that tension they’ve been feeling on board. Of course Adam does so by crying to Hannah about how let down he is by Malia. Once again, Hannah sympathizes and seems to enjoy her newfound alliance with someone else who can’t stand Malia. While Bugsy and Malia watch them from afar, annoyed at the new closeness of two people who hated each other a mere 24 hours ago, Hannah misreads this for Malia watching jealously and has the perfect solution – make her even more jealous. Of course, Adam loves the plan and goes along with the hugging for the camera and Hannah hanging all over him while wearing his dirty cammo hat. They go outside to smoke and have another heart to heart and Hannah kisses him on the lips, telling him how happy she is that they met. Then she drunkenly says she is going back to the boat and Adam says he will tuck her in. He then practically runs back inside to tell everyone what he’s doing, especially Malia, who he calls disgusting. Way to play it cool, Adam. Malia looks around helplessly for someone, ANYONE, to give her attention but Wiz is occupied with some woman at the bar and Malia can’t believe she’s being ignored and stomps off to the ship. I guess you shouldn’t put all of your eggs in one two baskets. Bobby might actually have a chance after all.

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