It’s Monday morning, so you know what time it is! Time to grab that cup of coffee and relish in the fact that you are not one of the poor souls featured on 90 Day Fiance. This week, we meet Josh and Aika, who is giving me strong whiffs of Anfisa with her expectations and no-nonsense talk of Josh “providing” for her. Molly’s bartender-fiance, Luis, arrives from the Dominican Republic, much to the chagrin of Molly’s eldest daughter, Olivia. Bonus: Luis wastes no time in calling his bride-to-be “chubby.” He’s a smooth talker, this one.
Nicole and May spend their first days in Morocco with Azan. And I need TLC camera crews to have eyes on that sweet baby AT ALL TIMES! Because they are the only thing standing between her and disaster. For real. Elizabeth gets ready to travel to Ireland to meet her bad-news boyfriend, Andrei (that is, if he can tear himself away from dancing IG live sessions). Lastly, teenage bride Evelyn welcomes David to New Hampshire, deciding to scare the sh*t out of him with her terrible driving right away while her dad sits in the backseat, praying. David will be thrilled to know that he is being dropped off at a creepy pastor’s house right after this! (Note: No update on Thailand David and Annie this week. He’s probably busy scraping sidewalks for loose change to buy a half-dead ox or something…)
In Georgia, Molly is getting her youngest daughter ready to go to the airport and getting her own makeup done by her friend, Matt. Olivia is MIA, which makes Molly question whether or not she’ll even show up. She thinks her mom is choosing a stranger over her, which essentially, she is. Luis may be a good guy, but Molly is doing herself NO favors by moving him in seconds after meeting her daughters. Ick. “I feel like I’m gonna pass out right now. For real,” says Molly as she pants on the staircase.
In Tampa, Elizabeth is FaceTiming Andrei, who lives in Dublin, Ireland. The K-1 Visa is taking a while, so Elizabeth is traveling there soon to see him through the process. But before that, she must report in to Andrei about where she’s going that night, with whom, and what she’s wearing. “He’s very old fashioned,” giggles Elizabeth of her fiance, who’s apparently visiting our planet from the year 1922.
At girls’ night out, Elizabeth fills her friends and sisters in on Andrei’s “traditional” values, which include keeping her barefoot and pregnant. Her sisters, circa the year 2017, take issue with Andrei’s strict sexist mores. They don’t see this sh*t working out, long term. Basically, everyone except Elizabeth thinks Andrei is a Neanderthal. She’s the one marrying him, though, so…go get yo’self an apron and a crockpot, girrrrrrl!
In Arizona, 43-year old Josh is a home theater technician looking for love after two failed marriages and a broken relationship with both of his children. Oh man. Josh feels like he hit the jackpot with Aika, a young Instagram hottie from the Philippines, who he met online. Josh feels like Aika is the perfect trophy wife, and hopes that she’ll stay stuck with him forever. “I knew right away that she was the one,” says Josh of the woman he’s spent a total of 120 hours with.
On Skype, Aika sternly reminds Josh that he’s her “provider” now, and that she has enormous expectations of a Western lifestyle. So, he better be ready to deliver! “I hope you’re good to me,” warns Aika. “Of course, babe!” brightly answers Josh, who needs to make a quick call to our boy Jorge for some advice. (Not that Jorge, of the very slow wits, has any to give…)
Oh no. Here it is, friends. We zoom over to Morocco to check in on the star of our show, the mother who needs an immediate 5150 hold, the idiot abroad herself: Nicole. Since landing, Nicole has allowed May to temporarily detach from her leash, and she’s managed to swallow down her jealousy over Azan-daddy showing May “more affection” than her. As Nicole and May check into their hotel room, Nicole complains that she can’t share a room with her man. No sexytimes for her. In more promising news, she tells Azan that her father is willing to sponsor him now, which makes Azan happy, not to mention shocked that anyone in their right mind would give Nicole money.
“I really wish you could stay and cuddle,” whines Nicole as Azan packs up his sh*t and scrams as fast as humanly possible. Because she’s such a stellar human being, Nicole then promptly ignores May, opting to plop on the bed and pout instead. She thinks about whether Azan is really still into this relationship while, outside of the hotel, cameras likely catch Azan fleeing on foot like he’s being chased by a whole gang of Nicoles.
In New Hampshire, Evelyn is excited to pick up her fiance, David, from the airport. She’s so excited, that she forgets to take her swimsuit top off before throwing a strapless dress on. (Seriously, wtf is this getup?!) Evelyn’s dad counsels her on the way to the airport. He doesn’t mind his daughter getting married young because he was 19 when he married Evelyn’s mom, after all. And the family band hasn’t booked a gig broken up yet!
At the airport, Evelyn is giddy with nerves and excitement. “It’s all starting to feel so real!” she gushes. Cause you guys – he’s, like, not just coming to visit! He’s, like, coming to marry her! I’ve gotta say, Evelyn seems like a sweet girl, but she is working my last nerve with her naivety. When David finally lands, their embrace is sweet, though, and I guess I am still rooting for these two Krazy Kids. “I’m happy to see my daughter happy,” says dad, unsure if David is prepared for the culture shock he’s about to experience. Like Evelyn’s driving skills.
Back in AZ, Josh is meeting up with some buddies to get hazed about his choice to marry a foreigner. Joe and Kyle are the requisite “haters” every TLC American suitor chooses to bring on camera, then deny all terrible intentions/consequences to. Joe and Kyle play their parts with aplomb, having done some bonus research in advance! What about “romance scams?” they wonder. The Google machine told them about it! Josh just waves off their concerns, swearing that his love for Aika is the real thing, and vice versa.
“You’re risking a lot,” they warn. Josh isn’t worried. To him, the risk is worth the reward. Even if Aika is scamming him, he frankly doesn’t seem to care. Okay, guys – this dude is officially Jorge 2.0! He wants a trophy, so he’ll pay any price to place it on his shelf. “She picked me,” defends Josh, who needs to get the number of that Louis Vuitton consignment store Jorge had on speed dial. Also, he’d better change all of his passwords now before it’s too late. #BePrepared
Flash back to Georgia, where Olivia finally shows up (late) to drive her mom and sister to the airport. Molly is pissed! But she has to roll with the punches, because Olivia is already upset about her entire life being in upheaval, let alone having to negotiate traffic for the sake of her mom’s random fiance. At the airport, Molly squeals and goes berserk when she sees Luis rolling his bag toward her. “WHAH-HA! WOOHOO! WHEEEE!” screams Molly, who’s so enamored with the sight of her man, she loses track of her daughter. Where is Olivia?
Oh, there she is – giving her future stepfather the rightful stink eye he is due. Especially after he waxes poetic about being back with Molly – his love, his life, his “beautiful chubby girl!” Record scratch. Um, what the f**k did you just say, Sir? No. Just…NOPE. Molly seems to love this kind of talk, however, because she’s giddy at the sight, sound, and smell of Luis. He apparently likes smelling her too, so they’ve got that in common. Olivia is not having any of it, though. She doesn’t want to be in spitting distance of this nightmare, so she just halfheartedly says “um, hello” before dutifully marching back to the car with her new “family.” What a mess.
In NH, the 3-hour drive home is going as well as can be expected, given Evelyn’s learners-permit driving skills and her father’s crossed-arm panic in the backseat. David tries to relax as Evelyn chirps about him being “cute” and how she’s “so happy!” It’s like Disneyland in this car, or maybe Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. In any case, David puts on a brave face. He’s not sure New Hampshire is going to be a good fit for him, and expects that Evelyn will move with him to a larger city if he wants to. Uh, nope. Evelyn is the shiny big fish of her very tiny family band pond, and she won’t be swimming away from those stagnant waters anytime soon. The sooner David finds this out, the better.
For now, he must reconcile to living with Pastor Tim, who – much like Walmart Tom – will become a fixture in this relationship as a third party interloper. At least Pastor Tim has a separate apartment on his compound for David to bunk in – which I guess is better than bunk beds with Pastor Tim? Plus, David can maintain his “purity” here, which he claims is just as important to him as it is to Evelyn. As a reminder, David is 26 years old. <side eye>
We end our sordid tale back in Morocco, where Azan is taking Nicole and May out for a day on the town. Before they walk to the market in Casablanca, Azan gives May a stuffy (aww) before Nicole shows him the f**king CHILD LEASH she’s been using on May up until now. Azan scoffs at this crazy sh*t, outright refusing to use that thing in public! Good for him. Ten points to Azan! (Nicole: still zero.) But it seems that Nicole having no idea how to keep her child in control without a leash should really be what Azan is questioning here, no?
As they walk to market, May runs ahead (as children do), which sends Nicole into an immediate tizzy. Azan isn’t sure how to handle a toddler because, P.S. – he’s not a father! But neither does Nicole, just yelling at him that he has “no idea what to do!” as if he should understand child rearing better than her…an actual, real live parent. Technically. For now.
TELL US: IS AZAN READY TO BE A FATHER? HOW LONG WILL NICOLE LAST IN MOROCCO THIS TIME? ARE EVELYN AND DAVID MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED? IS AIKA SCAMMING JOSH? WHAT DO YOU THINK OF LUIS SO FAR?
Photo Credit: TLC
