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90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Attention Morocco! Attention Morocco! Nicole is leaving! And taking your entire GDP of french fries and chicken fingers with her. This week on 90 Day Fiance, Azan must decide whether he can continue pretending to be in a relationship with Nicole as she and May depart for home. Meanwhile, David drags Annie to Kentucky which in most abduction circles is known as “the second location.”

Molly tries for the hundredth time to turn her houseboy into a husband (and stepfather), but Luis isn’t interested. Elizabeth and Andrei change up their wedding plans to further anger her family, Josh admits to Aika that he’s had a vasectomy, and Evelyn tries to talk about S-E-X with David. Spoiler alert: It does not go well. As in, middle-school-health-class bad. Evelyn also takes a trip to the most depressing underwear store you’ve ever seen in your life, which was of course the MAJOR highlight of my night!

The fun begins in Georgia, where Molly and Luis are waking up the day after their bachelor/bachelorette parties. Well, Molly is waking up. It’s apparently still Luis’s “day off.” With 15 days to wed, Molly fills out wedding invitations then wakes her fair prince up. Luis is unconcerned with wedding plans. He just wants to keep dreaming about the only fun place he’s seen in the states so far: the strip club. “I had so much fun! The girl danced on me,” muses Luis of his one day not on stepfather duty. “I need a break,” he tells Molly, but Molly didn’t bring him over to make it rain in the clubs. He needs to go grab the pooper scooper and get to work!

In LA, David and Annie are heading out to lunch with Chris and Nikki, who are about to receive an apology. Temporarily sober David tells them he’s sorry for “what happened” the other night, taking no direct responsibility for his actions. Nikki wonders why he didn’t apologize before now? Then she straight up asks if he has a drinking problem. Meanly-mouthed David just mumbles around the topic, not admitting he has a problem – even though Annie sees it that way. Nikki is not new here, so she has no patience for David’s empty apologies and justifications. She and her brother, Antonio, are the only sane people on the scene. Also – Nikki is way too gorgeous to be on this show. She is classing the joint up waaaaay too much.

So, now David says he’ll prove he’s a changed man by not drinking until the wedding. With 80+ days to go, Nikki is not convinced it’s even possible. But she’ll be happy to feed and house Annie when they kick David’s loser carcass to the curb. They’ll even give him his cardboard sign back before they drop him at the freeway.

In Florida, Andrrrrreeeeeiiii goes to the driving range with Elizabeth’s dad. There’s more hazing to be done, so why not do it over a sport that’s completely foreign to the new guy? Pshhhht. Andrei learns all about how to swing a golf club rather than a caveman club while Elizabeth’s dad reminds him how important it is to “provide” for his daughter. He wants Andrei to remember that Libby’s sisters all married guys who earn good livings, so he needs to measure up. Andrei reminds him that he’s ten years younger than those jokers, so as Dorinda Medley would say, back that sh*t up! And back it up fast! Bottom line: This guy is a real a$$hole.

But Andrei’s tone does not sit well with Father Elizabeth. He’s also upset that Andrei didn’t ask his permission before proposing. But Andrei admits that maybe he didn’t make the right move there, but bah! It’s done. He might want to rethink this cavalier attitude, however, when Libby’s dad says he won’t be contributing one red cent to their wedding costs. Hmm. Andrei plays it cool now, but something tells me Elizabeth’s lipstick is gonna melt right off her face when she hears this news.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

In NH, Evelyn is playing guitar. And the whole world is shoving cotton in its ears in anticipation of her singing along. Oh, good! She’s stopped by her mom, who wants to have a heart to heart about the carnal desires of the flesh. It’s time for Evelyn, who is 18 years of age, to find out how penises and vaginas work. Thank god TLC cameras are here to capture it. Evelyn is all, Eww! Getting naked is creepy!!! Even after her mom talks to her like the tweeny-bopper she is, calmly explaining that it’s “natural” and “beautiful,” Evelyn just giggles idiotically. In disturbing news, Evelyn says that David’s even more closed off about discussing sex than she is. Whelp, one thing is certain: This wedding night is gonna suuuuuuuuuuuuck. And it couldn’t happen to two more awful people.

Speaking of awful people, let’s check in with Nicole! After emotionally/verbally/physically assaulting Azan and repeatedly cheating on him, she wonders why he doesn’t like her anymore? She’s quick, this one. Azan (finally!) wonders WTF he’s even doing with this garbage person? He’s counting the minutes until she boards the plane home. Before that happens, Nicole is forcing him to talk to her one more time.

Azan has still been ignoring her, according to Nicole, and she just wants to know why. Though he doesn’t admit it, Azan has shut down because he’s done with this chick. Plus, he doesn’t want to get his jaw broken today. There is no way he’s heading to the U.S. now, especially without the protection of his aunt and her scary sheep head to ward off Nicole’s rage! But Nicole still holds out hope that he’ll change his mind and, once she “shows him how good she can be,” he’ll come.  In the end, Azan agrees to work on it. Aww, man! SO CLOSE TO FREEDOM!

Back in LA, Nikki is taking Annie for a girl’s night out before she is dragged to David’s hovel in Kentucky. If he even has a hovel? Maybe a tunnel pre-furnished with trashcan fire? Anyway, Nikki makes sure Annie has a good last meal before the true nightmare begins. She knows Annie will be miserable there, but doesn’t want to say too much. Plus, living anywhere with David is going to be its own special hell.

When Nikki spills ALL the tea about David asking Chris for money – even for Annie’s jewelry and engagement party! – Annie looks crestfallen. I mean, she knew this guy was broke. But HOBO broke? David even has Chris as a co-sponsor for Annie’s K1 Visa, so Chris and Nikki are responsible for Annie for ten years. Essentially, David is a 48-year old Nicole. Nikki thinks these red flags are frightening, and is shocked to learn that she and Chris are responsible for Annie – but Annie just shrugs it all off. She’s not getting off this crazy train, despite the alarms.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Evelyn and her long suffering friend, Mikayla, go shopping at the absolute most depressing lingerie store Claremont has to offer. Please see tragic gray item hanging behind Mikayla’s head above as evidence, article A. I’d compare it to Walmart (circa 1995), but that would be too generous. Nay, we shall instead compare it to Hills, a discount junk store in the ‘80s that a very select few of you living in the southern PA area might be familiar with. I used to buy my Bonnie Bell lip gloss there on the regular and they had killer sales on Rave hairspray. Think: Grandma’s source for girdles and mom’s source for off-brand crockpots. This, my friends, is Evelyn’s sexytimes store.

Photo evidence, article B, below:

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Mikayla – or Marcie, as she’ll henceforth be named – helps Peppermint Patty Evelyn out with her search. She’s excited to buy matching beige bras and full-coverage underwear that will be “used for a specific purpose” – SEX! But when Evelyn also chooses a scandalous black thong from the racks of gently used Lycra, Marcie is all, Sir, you know that’s a thong, right? The small part goes in the back! It’s just too much for these home schooled family band types.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Despite Mikayla’s shock at Evelyn’s scandalous choice of maroon pool-cover-up-neglige, she tries to support her friend. Evelyn admits she’s nervous about “revealing everything about who I am!” She’s already revealed how much of an insufferable wench she is, but her bedroom behavior is still a mystery. David doesn’t want to talk about it though, so a mystery it will remain!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Again, I’ll venture a guess that their first night together will involve a lot of bossing each other around, calling one another elitists, and Evelyn reminding David that he’s having sex in AMERICA now! Fun fact: It will be horrendous.

Elsewhere, Elizabeth and Andrei are out for a walk. They chat about finances, which Libby’s father will not be helping out with. Andrei is suddenly very concerned now. He can’t work yet, so money is tight. But if they get married quickly, he can work sooner, so he wants to get on it. But – but – but!! Elizabeth isn’t going to get her dream wedding – which is in the snow on top of a mountain, arriving in a white horse and carriage. So, Elizabeth is basically Cinderella crossed with Elsa crossed with a thumb. But she’s marrying Count Dracula, not prince Charming, so she agrees to throw her dreams away. She’s in looooooooove! Her family will sh*t a brick, no doubt. And as we know, this will be a fun bonus for Elizabeth.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

It’s time for David’s reckoning with Nikki, who is pissed about the 10-year clause in Annie’s visa. Chris didn’t tell her the whole truth, which actually makes him the bad guy (why is this amazing woman with that schlub anyway?!?). But now Nikki is in damage control mode. She wants to make sure that David’s dumb a$$ gets a job – NOW. She’s all, Get thee to Kentucky and GET TO WORK!

Why is he even in California “on vacation” anyway? David blames Chris, who invited him, rather than himself, who’s a Loser with a capital L. I’m just left wondering two things: 1) What nasty blackmail does David have on Chris? And 2) Is it necessary for David to wear this amount of gold jewelry with his prison scrubs? “You’re not gonna be getting handouts,” barks Nikki. “That’s done.” Chris has faith that his “best friend” will come through in the end, but Nikki (like the rest of the planet) decidedly does not. David needs to book his mule back to KY ASAP.

As Nicole prepares to leave Morocco, she calls her mom to complain about Azan. Mom reminds Nicole that they’re not ready for marriage, especially if they’re fighting all of the time – and if Azan isn’t “ready to be a dad.” Oh, please! Maybe the relationship is just doomed because Nicole is…Nicole. Whether they’ll pursue the K1 visa is still a question mark, but obviously Nicole’s mom hopes like hell it won’t happen – for many reasons.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Moving from one depressing scene to the next, we’re transported back to Atlanta, where Luis and Molly are playing happy family as they take the kids out for ice cream. With the wedding right around the corner, Molly is hoping her plan to make a 28-year old bartender into insta-daddy pans out. Because she is sweet, but tragically delusional. “You need to learn about how to fix a child!” yells Molly when Kensley spills her ice cream. “It’s your kid,” responds Luis, who didn’t sign up for this sh*t. He thinks Molly’s kids are rude and poorly behaved. But when he starts literally mimicking Kensley back to her face then encouraging her to break things, he shows us just who the rude and poorly behaved person is.

Okay, I just need to say it: I OFFICIALLY HATE LUIS. This guy sets off an alarms in my mama bear parts every time he interacts with Molly’s kids. He is immature and selfish and way too new in this family to cross the boundaries he does. This is all, of course, Molly’s fault for allowing him to do it. So, I guess I hate her too. UGGGGGGHHHHH. Not cool, TLC. NOT COOL! (Also, if you’ve checked out the podcast Dirty John – which is amazing! – you might be with me when I say I’d like to see Olivia pull a zombie-revenge move on Luis in the end if he does turn out to be as dangerous as I suspect.)

“You have to be the adult,” chides Molly. But Luis just laughs, knowing he’s got the upper hand here. She’s smitten with him and, sadly, handing him all the power because of it. It’s gross.

As Elizabeth plans her rushed wedding to Andrei, she ropes her mom and sisters into wedding dress shopping. They’re not on board with this quickie-wedding, but the young couple feels as if they have no choice. They’re getting married in two weeks, and that’s that. Libby’s mom, Pamela, is good-natured about helping her daughter choose a dress even if she isn’t thrilled about who she’ll get married to in it. The sisters agree, feeling powerless over the situation.

On a walk with his aunt, Azan asks for advice. Should he go to America? Should he marry Nicole? As primary witness to their fighting, she thinks no. They don’t respect each other, let alone like each other. And living with them for two months as been hell – so why extend it? Azan’s aunt married a foreigner who came to Morocco, adopted her culture, and lived happily with her until he passed away. She doesn’t foresee the same story for Azan, who can barely escape being body slammed in doorways by his betrothed. It doesn’t matter, because Azan seems determined to human-traffic himself to Florida anyway. WHY?

Josh and Aika, our afterthought couple, are still in AZ arguing – now about babies instead of rings. But Josh not only got all of his upper teeth removed, he also had a vasectomy. But Aika wants kids NOW. She doesn’t want to wait until she’s forty to be a mom, and alludes to Josh promising her children as part of their contract. Josh backtracks now, saying he never promised kids “right away.” But didn’t he know he was marrying a woman in her mid to upper thirties? His Peter Pan syndrome is of no interest to Aika, who wants him to just shut up and give her what he promised. She’s holding up her end of the bargain (being arm candy), so he needs to cough up the $15k to get the procedure. “Don’t make me beg for it,” says Aika. “Actions peak louder than words.”

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

As the episode winds down, we see David and Annie pack up for KY. David still has that little matter of telling his kids he’s engaged to clear up! But otherwise, good times. Annie is freaked out about leaving Chris and Nikki, who are basically David’s parents. But when they land in Louisville, Annie is shocked to see the countryside. “It’s very different,” she sighs. But she ain’t seen nothin’ yet! Because next they pull up to the abandoned firehouse where she’ll be living for the foreseeable future. Within its gloomy walls is an apartment that Chris has obviously allowed them to live in rent-free. David, who is literally one baht away from homelessness, chirps, “Well, it’s better than living on the street!” #FreeAnnie

After we see Andrei and Elizabeth choose a wedding venue in FL (it’s beautiful, it’s affordable), she tells him about her sisters planning her demise at the bachelorette party. “That’s trash,” says Andrei when Libby throws ALL of her sisters under the bus, confessing they want to “test” him. Thus once again, this chick has driven another wedge between her fiance and her family – and she’ll blame everyone but herself when it all explodes in her face. But when immature idiots need attention, no one is safe!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

You know TLC is trolling us because we end last night’s episode with Evelyn, who is trying to “meet David’s cooking expectations” in their new apartment. Wait – they have an apartment?! Or is this the pastor’s pad? I am so confused. Anyway, Evelyn is fully prepared to hand-microwave a cheese quesadilla for David to show her love. David is amused by Evelyn’s apron and onion frying skills, but he is NOT amused when the topic of “intimacy” comes up. Whether it’s the cameras, or it’s just Evelyn herself, David is not okay with discussing this stuff – EVER. He suggests Evelyn talk to her pastor about sex if she has questions. Bwahahahaha!

Oh, this is too good. When Evelyn presses, David actually gets up to leave. He’s sweating, he’s spazzing out – he DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! Claiming he’s a conservative guy, David finally just shuts Evelyn down – apron and all. If she wants to get intimate with someone, I guess she’s always got that quesadilla…(?) But David, bro – for real?!? Hmm. Maybe the 27-year old virgin thing isn’t a hoax after all. Because my man here has some deep, deep issues (other than marrying Evelyn).

Writer’s Note: Check out my BRAND NEW podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90DF & more!) – plus a deep dive into cults & the supernatural. Now available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes

TELL US: WHOA – WHAT’S DAVID’S DAMAGE? WHAT FRESH HELL AWAITS ANNIE IN KY? IS ELIZABETH STIRRING THE POT WITH HER FAMILY AND ANDREI? IS LUIS CUT OUT TO BE A STEPFATHER – OR IS HE AS HATABLE AS I THINK HE IS?

Photo Credit: TLC

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