Yesterday was my birthday, and I can think of no better way to cap off the day than with another two-hour episode of 90 Day Fiance, the greatest gift of all. It was a very special sort of disaster last night, as everyone let their freak flags fly just a little bit higher than usual – which for this crew is quite the feat! Briefly summarized, Annie’s David is a drunk psychopath, Molly’s Luis is an immature playboy who likes strippers, Josh still has no upper teeth acts like Aika is his property, Spanish-David is just as smug as Evelyn, and Azan needs to immediately seek government protection/asylum from his domestic abuser, Nicole. In other words, they’re all ready to head straight to the altar!
We begin at Molly’s house where Luis is looking longingly at photos of his home country while Molly calls her dad. She wonders if he’ll even come to her wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle? So far, she can’t even get a hold of him by phone to announce her official engagement. As Molly leaves another message on her father’s voicemail, Luis side eyes the situation. His father is apparently all for this blessed union! So, Luis has a total of two fans: His dad and Uncle Jess. After Luis’s antics at his bachelor party later on, that number may dwindle to one. For now, Luis just tries to convince Molly that her father doesn’t love her because he doesn’t want her to be happy. Because he’s an awesome guy, this one.
In LA, Annie is still under the protection of Chris and Nikki, David’s friends (and business partners, according to the internet) from Thailand. And she’ll need it. Nikki’s brother, Antonio, is also in attendance and let’s go ahead and cue Mariah Carey’s “Hero” single, because this man needs his own soundtrack, people. He is truly everything I wish I could be.
After dinner, drinks are consumed…and consumed…and consumed some more. All by David, who looks like he’s grown another David on his midsection since landing in LA – no? Annie gets nervous, considering David’s obvious alcohol problem, but no one is stopping this hot mess express right now. As David slurs and sways, Antonio encourages Annie to speak up. “If this is supposed to be your huzzzzband, you need to speak up!” he advises, knowing she’s uncomfortable with David’s drunkenness. PREACH!
Okay. What happens next is nothing short of epic: A nearly-catatonic David tries to argue with Antonio, then says something about his tacos burning. “Nah, YOUR TACOS ARE BURNING, MAN!” Antonio hilariously claps back, instructing this gross loser to listen to his fiance and stop being a drunken a$$hole! Lololololololol!! When David tries to write Antonio off as being too young to give him advice, our fair hero reminds him that HIS FIANCE is nearly the same age! Finally, Nikki swoops up Annie to head inside because, as Antonio reflects, “This some bullsh*t out here.”
As Chris stupidly “counsels” David outside about his drinking problem (which David denies having, as he barely keeps his torso upright), Antonio joins the women in the kitchen to attempt talking more sense. He wonders why Annie is marrying this old, drunk idiot who is in denial about his problems, therefore has no plans of changing? Nikki also thinks Chris enables David (duh) and wants that particular dysfunctional dynamic to end.
But when David suddenly lurches/stumbles on the scene and accuses Antonio of wanting to “f**k” Chris (OMG WTF!?), Antonio barely restrains himself from knocking this sucker out. Even Annie looks like she wishes it would happen. Alas, there are too many cameras around for Antonio to do the Lord’s work and kill this lech right on the spot. Instead, Antonio cusses David out brilliantly! “B*tch watch what the f**k you say to me because I will beat your a$$! Send Get your ugly a$$ outside! You ninja turtle penguin batman a$$ b*tch!” Well, Shakespeare himself couldn’t have written more beautiful and accurate words. (You guys, I seriously have tears streaming down my face right now because this Antonio character is giving me LIFE!!)
Finally, Antonio leaves Annie with some parting words: David’s a sorry, punk a$$ b*tch and she could do much, MUCH better than him. Sadly, Annie just sighs, knowing her horrific fate is sealed. In tears later, Annie wonders what options she has left? She knows no one in this country, and she’s only here because of the K-1 visa, which ties her to David legally. She’s stuck. And it’s just too awful to witness. #FreeAnnie!!!!!!!
In Florida, Elizabeth and Andreeeeeeeeeiiiiiii are still doing their dysfunctional dance with her family. Out to dinner with her sisters, Elizabeth and Andrei instruct the group how to pronounce his name for maximum annoyance factor, then they get down to brass tacks. The sisters wonder if Elizabeth will be “allowed” to come out with them for girls’ nights in the future? If they follow Andrei’s curfew, then yes! But he’s not okay with the Vegas bachelorette party they’re cooking up. When Becky with the good hair snarks, “Excuuuuuse me? We’re taking her!” at Andrei, he just stirs his drink as says, “Sure Becky, sure. You’re not taking her.” Elizabeth, of course, is loving every minute of this. People fighting over her is her love language.
“He’s very traditional,” Elizabeth coos to her sisters, who can barely restrain a laugh. They remind Andrei that “Libby” is usually not submissive like this, so she’s obviously changing for him. But Andrei sees it as compromise, not control. Elizabeth’s sisters see this marriage ending in disaster. “I can’t wait to prove them wrong,” argues Elizabeth. And I just have one question: Is this scene real or totally staged? Because everyone is acting suspiciously goofy. Just me? Hmm. It’s weird.
Oh no. Dear readers, I regret to inform you that the next scene takes us to NH, where Evelyn unfortunately still exists. IT LIVES!!! She’s hatched a new plan to make David fall in love with Claremont: Apple picking. Plastic bags in hand, Evelyn’s brother Solomon and David march defeatedly into the dirty orchard, listening to Evelyn drone on and on about the beauty of picked-over trees. David’s tasted better apples, but Evelyn and Solomon are here to convince him otherwise. Even when they try to Jedi mind trick him into thinking Claremont is AMAZING – This is the best town with the best apples and Evelyn is telling you all of this with her magical voice – which is also the besssssstttt! – David doesn’t budge. He’s seen better places, and he plans to live in them. With or without Evelyn? She thinks he’s being an elitist. But again, David’s had better apples. (Get it, Evelyn? GET IT?) #27YearOldVirgin
Back in GA, Luis is still whining about his long lost home, and about Molly’s big-wedding dreams. He wants to keep it simple, but Molly wants extravagance – no matter the cost. Luis is more concerned with his bachelor party anyway or, as he likes to call it, his “day off.” Molly doesn’t like the sound of this…and for good reason. Luis is about to spend all the singles
she gives him for an allowance on the dollar store strippers down the road. “Make sure you don’t do something dumb,” Molly tells the man who’s literally only made dumb moves with every female he’s encountered since he landed on American soil. Oh – he also describes how he feels watching her kids and dog: “It’s awful.”
With 88 days to wed, David and Annie are at a crossroads. David has worn his best half washed v-neck to beg forgiveness for his disgusting behavior the night before, which he kinda/sorta does at a restaurant. He admits his behavior was bad, but does NOT admit he has a drinking problem. So, what does he have to do to win Annie’s trust? She doesn’t want him to drink until the wedding. Surprisingly, David agrees. He’s not calling her bluff now, but after the “I do’s” are exchanged, it’s balls to the wall again for sure. Speaking of balls, at least David takes her on a tour of Hollywood – including a sex shop and beach sunset – to show her a good time before he locks her up in his Kentucky dungeon and drinks whiskey from dusk till dawn. Poor Annie! Girl, you in danger!!!
With five days left in Morocco, it’s high time Nicole threw Azan into a wall or something. So it comes as no surprise when they get into another epic argument (that even the camera crew is barred from!), then Nicole storms off after Azan out of the house. Maybe she needs a good cry – especially because she’s been taking care of May all by herself!! (Um, like every single mother does…?). Nicole screams this, by the way, while Azan’s sister (cousin?) is inside, attentively painting May’s nails. GAWD.
Before she makes it to the van in the alley, Azan outruns her – by which I mean, walks at a brisk enough pace to leave Nicole behind barking at a cameraman. She wants Azan to taaaaaaalk to her! But he’s done talking to this lazy, entitled girl-woman who can’t even manage to feed her child between sun up and sun down. I will not be ignored! Nicole rails, channeling her inner Fatal Attraction.
In the van, Nicole whines that Azan is always making her out to be the bad person – but HE is the bad person!! He just sighs, knowing there’s no arguing with crazy. He doesn’t seem to realize that he won’t be able to shake a stage five clinger like Nicole by simply ignoring her, though. (Azan: Please refer to Danielle Mullin’s white binder of SHOSHAL media evidence to see where this tactic takes you. Then call Walmart Tom for backup, dude.) “You bring it out in me!” Nicole accuses, blaming Azan for her unruly behavior. Then the abuse turns physical when she literally attempts to bar Azan from re-entering his home! She grabs his jacket, body slams him against the door frame, and generally acts like a complete lunatic before Azan finally breaks free. Oh. My. God. Someone needs to put this chick on a plane home, let Azan’s family take care of May until her grandma can come rescue her personally, then help Azan escape under a new identity to a safe house, yo. Sh*t just got real.
Back in the van, Nicole cries that Azan makes her like this! It’s his fault!!! Sheesh. This chick will never take responsibility for her actions, will she? She even tries to blame her disgusting behavior on “all Americans” at one point – or some such nonsense. She also doesn’t think her cheating on him should change his behavior toward her. Um, okay. Girlfriend is unraveling, and it’s apparent that Azan has emotionally checked himself out of this roach motel as he looks down at her from the window above.
When they finally meet up on the street, Azan calls Nicole crazy and doesn’t want to talk. But she persists, finger in his face, arguing that he needs to listen to her very special feelings. Trying to escape a second time doesn’t work though – because homegirl body checks him again at the door! HOLY SH*T. Looking ready to slap him, Nicole rails in his face that he HAS TO TALK TO HER!! Cowed (and probably in fear of bodily harm), Azan just bows his head and mumbles until Nicole finally moves to let him in. Okay, two thoughts: 1) Why is the camera crew not stepping in between Nicole and Azan at this moment? 2) Again, WHERE in god’s name is Nicole finding men to cheat on Azan with?!? Because at this point, Danielle 2.0 is pulling ahead of Danielle 1.0 in the category of most horrible human.
With 21 days to wed, Molly is taking charge of most of the wedding details. She heads to the salon to talk to
cartoon Lucifer Brent, the happy mustachioed hair stylist, about Luis while she gets her ‘do did. She’s worried about their cultural differences, and about his role as stepfather to her daughters who she’s forced on him. Luis blows off her concerns later in the car, taking his snark one step further and disparaging her kids. He frankly thinks Molly’s lucky he sticks around. He also mourns the death of his single life, which he apparently loves more than Molly. She’s delusional if she thinks these priorities will change.
Meanwhile, Josh is in AZ meeting up with Joe, the standard 90DF hater brought in to stir the pot. He tells his sad tale of not being able to afford a $12k ring for Aika, which Joe (and the rest of humanity) thinks is absurd. Joe wonders why Josh spends so much money on this chick, when all she wants is more? Um, because that’s part of the contract when you agree to marry a guy like Josh, dude. It’s a deal! Anyone who says differently is deluding themselves. Aika is the kinder, gentler version of Anfisa. And Josh is Jorge without the pot dealership
and mouth herpes. But dear, dumb Josh still thinks what they have is “real special.”
Okay, back up north we go! Evelyn’s family takes David out for Mexican food, which they imagine is somehow a Spanish cultural experience. Let the UN summit begin! David asks if there’s diversity in Claremont? David also wonders why they’d want to stay in a dying town? Businesses are leaving – so they should too! Evelyn’s
cult member parents look baffled. There’s a great church here! There’s a janky music producer who only charges three Oreos per session! Evelyn’s mom thinks David is being an elitist, and she doesn’t like it. There’s only room for one totally insufferable snot in this family! And her name rhymes with Smevelyn.
In FL, Elizabeth and her sisters plan her bachelorette party, which might happen in Miami now. It’s wild, but close. So maybe Andrei won’t demand that Elizabeth comes home by 9pm? In the end, Elizabeth thinks that as long as she doesn’t go to any strip clubs, he won’t bust in and drag her out by the hair. The sisters don’t care what he thinks, though. They’ll be showing her a good time in Miami, with or without An-DLAY’s permission.
Back in AZ, it’s time for Aika to get hazed by Joe again! Josh drags her to a gun shop, of all places, to face off with Joe, who says “I’m the new sheriff in town, darlin’!” while wearing a cheesy cowboy hat. At the range, Josh helps Aika shoot a target
as she pictures Joe’s head. While Aika keeps shooting out back, Joe takes Josh out front to warn him again about Aika being a little bit “off.” When Aika joins them, Joe continues ahead brazenly: He thinks she’s bad for Josh, plain and simple. Aika thinks it’s none of Joe’s business, but Josh doesn’t come to her defense even once. Because he’s a turd.
Well, TLC, you’ve saved the best for last! Or in Luis’s case, the worst. Because in our final scene, we’re treated to Luis at the strip club, bedecked in a purple shirt and suspenders, clutching a wad of cash and wearing his ever-present sh*t eating grin. As Molly frets that Luis “won’t behave” at his bachelor party, we see that her fears are realized. While she whoops it up at a harmless drag show with her gal pals, Luis is at a roadside strip joint making it rain with Molly’s money.
“I your man tonight!” Luis taunts the dancers, wondering why these working women aren’t touching his junk? In the DR, strip clubs are full service, apparently. Luis is having such a fab time, he doesn’t want to leave. He calls Molly to tell her her won’t be home after all. Like – ever? “It’s my day off! Forget me,” he barks on the phone, hanging up on Molly while Uncle Jess stands silently by, enabling the whole mess. They’ve already put a deposit on their favorite dancer inside and plan to “tip heavily” for her services the rest of the night. As they head back inside, Luis reminds Jess, “Look at me! I’m the MAN of this relationship.”
So. Welcome to the real Luis – resort bartender, master manipulator, serial tourist-dater. Add to that list “gross dude at the strip club who all the chicks are trying to avoid,” and there you have it. Molly’s one true love. It’s just…magical.
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Photo Credit: TLC