Molly’s face last night during her fight with Luis is all of our faces every time we watch 90 Day Fiance. I’d call it a mixture of outrage and disgust, with a bitter twist of obsession – feelings I have become one with as a fan of this show. Lest you think my disgust will ever stop me from watching, I have only the following to say: NEVER!!! Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. In fact, if 90 Day Fiance were a foreign dude, I would catfish the hell out of him and marry him on a K1 Visa tomorrow. We would live in a flop house above a fire station for the rest of our days. #TrueLove
Last night, we found out that Thai-David’s kids hate him as much as everyone else does! Annie has a front row seat for the drink throwing, which is served up courtesy of David’s daughter, Ashley. Molly finally calls Luis out on his comments about her kids, but he’s more concerned with her devil-candles. Seriously. Evelyn and David continue to be totally miserable in New Hampshire as they steam-iron the beige underwear they’ll rock on their wedding night. Josh and Aika visit a fertility doctor (snore), and Elizabeth’s sisters try to make Andrei break up with her by stealing her phone at her bachelorette party. These women are not twelve years old, by the way.
With ten days to wed, it’s time for Elizabeth to run the bachelorette party rules by Andrei. He approves her outfits and reminds her that she needs to be in contact with him at all times, or else. “I’m not gonna accept some disrespect towards me,” growls Andrei. To be fair, he’s not going clubbing anywhere – and Libby has repeatedly stirred the sh*t between her family and him for her own amusement – so he’s walking his own talk and pretty justified in hating her sisters.
In Miami, Elizabeth’s sisters greet her with champagne, then ask her what Andrei’s rules are. Elizabeth defends Andrei’s culture for the thousandth time, but the sisters are ready to get CRUNK up in here, and they couldn’t care less about Andrei and his many rules! They even take Libby’s phone to ensure she has a night of total freedom, sending Andrei a video about them “abducting” her. There are pink dildos and solo cups to hold anyway. Who needs a phone!? Libby is not pleased. (Side note: Shout out to the brave sister who refused to endlessly roll the “r” in Andrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeiiii. You go, girl. Stay strong.)
In Louisville, David takes Annie to meet his kids, who he’s forgotten to
raise tell about his engagement. David hopes Annie doesn’t take it personally when they freak the frigg out on him – because he’s sensitive like that. Annie is thusly marched to the strip mall restaurant of doom to meet her fate. After David’s kids, Ashley and Jacob, arrive, they hug David (who they never see) and coldly throw a dismissive “hello” Annie’s way.
Visibly sweating all over his Nosferatu bowling mumu (wtf is that thing?), David fesses up that he’s engaged – but only after Ashley immediately questions him. Ashley’s face reads, NOPE. NOPETY NOPE NOPE NOPE. But she stays silent as David explains the pathetic reasons why he hasn’t told them about the engagement yet. He claims he wants to “rebuild” their relationship as a family first, but Ashley astutely points out that there would be nothing to rebuild if it wasn’t broken in the first place. She also calls David out for abandoning her child – his grandchild – to “bee-bop” around Asia picking up 24-year old brides. Scoreboard: Ashley, 2. David, 0.
“That’s the past!” whines David, not even acknowledging his daughter’s legitimate pain. Next, Ashley asks Annie if she thinks he’ll be any different to their kids, should they have them (gag)? David basically tells her to shut up because it’s none of her “f**king business,” then bickers with her as if they are siblings rather than parent/child. Honestly, it doesn’t appear that Ashley sees David as much of a father, and probably hasn’t for a long time.
When David finally barks, “Then go ahead and leave!” Ashley pulls the move all women worldwide have been waiting for: she throws a drink in his bloated pink face. Annie is shocked and embarrassed. But Ashley, who storms out, is unrepentant. Was it immature and out of line? Sure. But did I enjoy watching that with a gleeful pleasure I usually reserve for those $3 bags of dark chocolate almonds at Aldi? ABSOLUTELY. Also, this argument isn’t about David marrying Annie. It’s about Ashley feeling abandoned by her father, which David can’t – or won’t – comprehend. Annie, girrrrrrl! Please let this sink in. Also: You are living in a prostitution crash pad, woman! Allegedly.
In Atlanta, Luis and Molly have four days to wed, but Luis is still bemoaning his new role as World’s Worst Stepparent. As they head out to lunch, Molly admits the situation has reached a boiling point and wants to rekindle the romance so Luis stays
working as free labor in her house. She plies him with promises of snow (in GA?!) and Vegas and trips to New York. Luis isn’t biting, knowing that a future of poop-scooping and babysitting awaits. He jokes about going back to the DR, where he would get his life back – the “good money, the beach, and the quiet.” All par for the course for a resort bartender, one assumes?
Molly just writes off Luis’s many doubts as “cold feet,” hoping he warms up to life in Atlanta – and to her girls. Luis doesn’t see his relationship with her daughters getting better and, you know, he’s already put 86 WHOLE days of work and inappropriate comments into trying. So, meh. He flat-out says, “They’re your daughters, not mine,” which should be ALL Molly needs to hear to book his flight home. Instead, she holds on to the flimsy thread of delusion that tells her Luis will magically change into a full grown man after he says his “I do’s.” Woman, I suggest you take those blue fingernails, snap them three times, and peace out of this toilet bowl relationship! Flush that man back down the drain from which he crawled.
Hey – did someone say toilet bowl? Because just like that, we are whisked over to Morocco, where an even crappier relationship is already in progress! At least there’s an end in sight for Azan, who will be waving buh-bye to Nicole TODAY! But before she leaves – guess what, guys? – Nicole wants to TAAAALK some more. Uggghhh. So she, May, and Azan sit down for their last supper. Despite their “ups and downs,” as Nicole calls them (some would call them “moments of abuse and assault”), Nicole still wants to be the Starbucks whipped topping on Azan’s soy latte. Azan doesn’t trust Nicole since she’s cheated on him multiple times – which still baffles the mind, in terms of how many willing
victims men she finds out there to cheat with.
“I really want this to work out,” says Azan with all the enthusiasm my child musters up for a plate of carrot sticks with no side of ranch. “I want to see what it’s like,” he says of America, scared that he won’t be accepted, but jazzed to view Nicole’s sweet converted motel apartment up close and personal! “I’m so exciiiiiiiiited!!!!” croons Nicole, thinking of all the paychecks she’ll be forwarding to Azan between now and the day he human-traffics himself to her doorstep.
In Miami, Elizabeth is pouting over her phone being jacked. Her sisters thought it would all be in good fun, but Libby’s not playing. She thinks they’re being immature (which is true), but they think she’s just scared of Andrei (also true). The sisters finally relent, handing her phone back over after much ado over curling irons and lipstick application. “It’s all about Jen!” accuses Libby of her sister, who didn’t mean to upset her over a joke, but maybe kinda did. <side eye>
“It didn’t go well,” they admit, “So…she has her phone back.” Now that she can text Andrei proof of life all night long, Libby’s ready to dance on tables and do some jello shots! Her sisters, however, are apparently ready to let her sulking a$$ dance alone tonight. Or at least that appears to be the bulk of what she ends up doing, which makes me strangely happy. I mean – Elizabeth doesn’t really seem like a girl’s girl, does she? She seems like the type who likes to do the sad-girl head swing to house music for hours.
As if we were ripped from spring break and sent directly to bible camp without so much as a 3-second warning, cameras cut to a depressing shot of a cold river in New Hampshire (no shade, NH! It’s just that…you’ve got Evelyn). David and bride to be are trying out a new thing they’ve heard about – hand holding! As they
are forced to take a walk together, they discuss the changing leaves. Riveting. On the bridge we all want to jump off of watching this David tells Evelyn he felt betrayed when she tried to talk about sex. DAVID DOESN’T LIKE THAT!
Evelyn thinks it’s weird that David is acting so closed off about the subject. Isn’t this the same Romeo who said he “fantasized about the wedding night” on Skype a few months ago? Apparently not. David decided at the tender age of thirteen to “save himself for marriage.” So, Evelyn will have to wait for him to bring the fire and passion of a million maroon button-downs on their wedding night! At least he tosses a lackluster “I’m sorry and I love you” Evelyn’s way, which is all her ego needs for now. Is it just me, or do these two have the least chemistry of ANY couple on here? Even Annie seems smitten with her gross choice of future husband, who is basically homeless-adjacent.
In good news, Evelyn’s
undead parents have found them the perfect apartment! Because, of course they have. It’s in Claremont, and – oh, by the way – it’s just eight houses away from the Family Band. David complies with this hostage situation a little too readily, despite his misgivings. Well, dude. Don’t say you walked into this with your eyes shut. When social services arrives to save you from the cult you just joined, remember this moment.
Pop your popcorn, get all tucked in, and enjoy the next iconic 7 minutes of television magic. Because, ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for Molly to finally go all MAMA BEAR on Luis’s narrow behind! Oh, this is tasty. Nom nom nom. Molly has suddenly come to the realization that she doesn’t want to marry someone who doesn’t love her kids. Well, better late than never!
In the bedroom, Molly faces off with Luis. She wants him to know it’s not okay with her that he’s resistant to being a stepfather. He’s repeatedly told her he wishes her kids weren’t around, and it’s all hitting her now how toxic this sh*t is for their family. “It’s not okay!” she cries, knowing Luis just wants “vacation Molly,” not a real-live wife. She’s sick of taking care of him like he’s a third child. Child that he is, Luis’s response is to claim Molly “is got her period right now” so “is all lie.”
Oh. No. He. Didn’t.
In a desperate attempt to attack Molly’s character, Luis then insinuates she’s some kind of ungodly sorceress come to drag him into hell with all of her Yankee Candles and Pier One Imports statues. “I see Buddha! I see candle! You witch!” he psychotically points and shouts, as if we’re suddenly in a very special episode of Luis Is Scared Of Tchotchkes. Dumbfounded, Molly is like, “Um, this is nuts.” Then registering that Luis is calling her some kind of heathen-sinner, she goes full tilt Baptist Preacher on this knucklehead, pointing out that NO ONE IS GOING TO SAY SHE’S NOT A CHRISTIAN! And certainly not Luis, who loves shacking up out of wedlock, talking about “f**king” to teenagers, staring at porn on his phone all day, and begs for freebee junk-grabs in the strip club.
No, no, no. This is not okay with her. Nor should it be! What an effing lunatic! Shouting at him within an inch of her vocal chords literally exploding, Molly finally bottom lines it: “This is not right.” Staying in his sinister manipulatively calm state, Luis knows he got the upper hand by derailing Molly’s legitimate concerns about her kids into this loony-tunes argument about Molly being ungodly. “You’re about to make me lose my mind! I can’t deal with this!!!” screams Molly, who finally takes her ring off and threatens, “You can pack your bags and get out of my house!!!” #DevilGetBehindMe
After Molly flees the bedroom in tears, Luis just chuckles, knowing he won. Oh, Luis, how do I loathe theee? Let me count the ways… (Also, let me count the visas Molly is sponsoring – TWO? One for Luis, one for his bro? Did I hear that correctly!?!?)
Cut from that mental institution moment to Arizona, where Josh and Aika are going
on a hunt to find his missing teeth to see a fertility doc. Josh thinks reversing his vasectomy – or as Aika calls it “the damage done to his manhood” – is a waste of time, but it may be a moot point because the doc is more concerned with Aika’s age. At 36, her biological clock is ticking, but come on! This doctor acts like Grandma Aika over here is asking for an immaculate conception. She’s well within the range of normal childbearing years, even if she is trying to get pregnant with this gauge-eared TV repairman with roommates.
Josh is just relieved to hear that Aika’s on the hot seat rather than him, and poor Aika summons all her strength not to cry through the cruel ordeal. What a crock. WHO IS THIS M.D.? It’s like the doctor from Baby Mama who tells Tina Fey, “I just don’t like your uterus” repeatedly, womb-shaming and mansplaining all in one fell swoop. Damn.
In FL, Libby comes home from her party to a grumpy Andrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeiiiii, who doesn’t like the fact that she was “missing” on her phone for a few hours. The debriefing is swift: Did you drink? Not too much? Was it fun? Were you DRUNK? DID YOU DANCE? WHERE?!?! “You know how I feel when you disappear,” warns Andrei, who doesn’t care for these sisters who steal phones and poke Moldovian bears.
Elizabeth admits she danced on “ledges,” which Andrei thinks is stupid and pointless – just like bachelorette parties. When he basically calls Libby trashy, she suddenly takes offense. “Who’s trash?!” Um, apparently you are, princess! At least, according to your frog prince. Essentially, this argument is going nowhere. It’s Andrei’s way or the highway, and Libby is not fond of the highway. That’s where single girls go to hitch rides with serial killers…who kind of resemble Andrei?
In Morocco, Azan is practically tap dancing his way to the airport, where he and his fancy side-zip cardigan are about to bid farewell to Nicole and May. His aunt warns them to grow up, which is lost in translation on Nicole’s remaining single brain cell, then Azan says he’ll really miss…May. The fact that May is still calling Azan “daddy” is too much for me to even comment on (other than to say it’s been added to the long list of why Nicole is a total garbage person). “I can’t wait to see you again,” Azan deadpans as Nicole carries May through security, sans backpack leash. Well, kids, it’s here we must say goodbye to our fair lovers! They’ll always have sheep head. <heart emoji>
Back in AZ, Josh blames Aika for being old, but Aika isn’t as much of an idiot as he thinks she is. She’s fertile for her age, while he’s not even capable of shooting sperm at present moment. Josh needles her about her “low egg count,” which is actually well within the normal range for age 36. “You waited until you were 36,” he snarks, but she just threatens to get another man to knock her up. One with sperm! At this, Josh snaps and leaves Aika sitting in the coffee shop alone…until he realizes TLC cameras aren’t following him. (LOL!) He skulks back in, accusing Aika of pushing his buttons, which yeah, he is. But he kinda deserved it, no? Gah! She could do much better than this dude. For real. But sadly, it seems she wants his sperm and only his sperm, so he agrees to do whatever it takes to make her happy.
In case you haven’t been depressed to death yet, it’s time to head back to the Kentucky firehouse. Annie is still reeling about the Ashley interaction, but David’s already brushed it off. Something tells me he’s a pro at not caring about what his kids think. For his next bright idea, David would like Annie to meet with Ashley alone. She agrees, meeting up with her for coffee later that day. But based on what Annie learns at this little outing, he might regret this idea later…
Ashely delivers the fun facts: David has been in relationships with other younger women before and Annie is no different. David cheated on Ashley’s mother with multiple women. He’s a drinker, a partier, and a PROSTITUTION WH*RE! Like, for real – he digs the working girls. Initially, Annie seems unfazed, which leads me to believe she might have met him under more suspicious circumstances than a karaoke bar. Hmmm.
“I feel like dad is looking for someone to clean his house, f**k him for free, wash his clothes, and make him Thai food,” snarks Ashley. OUCH. Annie doesn’t feel like that, and it’s a credit to her that she doesn’t toss a drink in Ashley’s face this time. She wonders who’s lying here – Ashley or David? Well, she already knows David lies about his drinking problem, money, housing
and that gastric bypass working. But is he even WORSE than she realizes? Like maybe a person with negative bahts rather than zero bahts? Or one who runs a sex tourism business with his creepy friend Chris and goes by the name “Tobo?” Again, allegedly. (But, seriously, if you want to check that crazy tip out, just Google “Fantasy Thailand” or better yet, click here. You’re welcome. ;))
Well, TLC, I’m giving you a standing slow clap with two snaps to the side for that extreme sh*tshow of all sh*tshows. Just when we think you can’t top yourselves, you pull out an episode like this one! Even the Greeks couldn’t have dreamt up an epic tragedy the likes of what we just witnessed. We thank you for your service.
Writer’s Note: Check out my NEW podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90DF & more!) – plus a deep dive into cults & the supernatural. Now available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!
TELL US: WHO NEEDS TO GET DUMPED, STAT? WHO’S HEADED FOR THE BIGGEST DISASTER? IF YOU COULD ONLY SAVE ONE OF THESE FIANCES, WHO WOULD IT BE? (SERIOUSLY, SHOULD WE BE PLANNING AN INTERVENTION HERE, PEOPLE?!?)
Photo Credit: TLC