If The Real Housewives of Potomac was a sorority, the first four episodes of the season were Rush Week for Candiace Dillard. Tonight was her hazing and she handled it by putting the women in plastic bubbles and knocking the crap out of anyone who got in her way.
Ashley Darby is now a certified Yogi and she’s a teacher in training. Her first two victims are Candiace and Gizelle Bryant. These two are yoga novices but in the spirit of sisterhood they are willing to give Ashley’s class a go. They start with “Ommm’s” and Gizelle looks around like I didn’t know we’d be humming though our exercise and Candiace is stoked because it’s like singing and that was her talent in the pageants back in the day! She is all in for yoga now! Her life really is a pageant. But wait…Gizelle just found her happy place doing Downward Facing Dog, so she likes it too.
Gizelle‘s also using this Zen time to contemplate how to haze Candiace, who immediately gives her the ammo she’s looking for. I bet you didn’t know Little Chris is a vanilla chocolate man who turns into a brown man when he drinks too much. Gizelle is restrained and asks, “Is that insensitive?” I vote yes, but what do I know? Little Chris also has a brown soul and…wait for it…a brown penis with a pink tip. I’m no expert on male genitalia, but he really should get that checked by a physician. (Honestly I can’t believe I just wrote that and I’m sorry to say it will not be the last reference). After a bit more TMI the focus turns to pre-nups. Mom Candiace has more money, but she’s not sure if she wants one. Gizelle has to help this clueless girl and warns her that it’s vital.
Out in Great Falls, Karen Huger’s daughter, Rayvin, is packing for college. Karen is all moms everywhere sending their daughters off. She’s putting on a brave face and panicking about sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Last year Karen went to Rayvin’s college dorm for a surprise visit, and like any college sophomore worth her salt, Rayvin treated her coldly – probably because she had to rush around and hide the empty beer cans and shove the boyfriend into her closet. Anyway, Karen is trying to set a good example for Rayvin. Let’s hope the news of the “Press Conference” doesn’t get back to her daughter.
Candiace and Chris meet at Art and Soul for dinner and A Talk. Her boobs are out of control, and it takes a minute to get them to behave. I have no evidence, but I think this is all pretense so that whatever she is about to say to him, he will think “boobs”. It’s a sneak attack and totally works. She asks for his thoughts on a prenup. He thinks “boobs” and says “Everything is yours. I’ll leave you everything. I’m here for you and that’s it.” Don’t believe me? He said the last sentence literally staring at her boobs. These two decide they are hosting a BBQ and Bubble Soccer party and his restaurant will cater. There’s nothing like ribs and running around in a plastic bubble to endear the new girl to the ladies. I, for one, cannot wait.
But first we have to visit Monique Samuels’ house. Can we pause for just a moment because the front of Monique’s house is what I covet in all Housewives shows? It reminds me of “Something’s Got to Give” and really should have a mention in the opening credits. Now Monique thanks God every day for her kids and they are really cute. Charrisse shows up and apparently either the doorbell doesn’t work or Monique is savoring the precious seconds of quiet happiness. Charrisse is tapping at the window and finally, Monique opens up and lets her in. Back inside, Monique is making a ginger juice for her kids and surprise! She’s going to bottle it and sell it online. Throw in a Sonja Morgan toaster oven and a Vicki Vodka, and I’m sold! But this is different y’all! Monique is going to conquer the world one juice bottle at a time. Monique then shows Charrisse the evite and, though it pains me, I have to agree with Charrisse: It looks exactly like an invitation to a kid’s birthday party. But I’m a child and cannot wait! Dress code is sneakers and a good attitude, so Charrisse is out.
Robyn Dixon is having a painting party in her new digs. Gizelle is the first to arrive and she dresses the part by wearing platforms. If she can just make it over the rocks without breaking an ankle, she’ll be a big help. Charrisse and Karen are also invited and happily, everyone has called a truce. Before painting, they decide to write little messages of goodwill on the walls. Karen starts a little trouble by writing #godblessthehugers and then Charrisse doubles down and writes “Monique said Gizelle needs a ghost reader”. Well, Gizelle writes back that Monique is “sad and dumb” and by now this room is going to need a good exorcism saging. Robyn’s boys are shooed out of the room before Gizelle plays one woman Pictionary to demonstrate Little Chris’ brown and pink penis. They are finally bonding like we all have hoped for, and Robyn feels safe enough to confess that when she and Juan were broke, they were truly down on their luck. Even the gas was turned off, and they were bathing their kids in cold water. This has the potential to end sadly, but then the cameras show us the lousy paint job the women did and it’s unanimous that the only way to save the room is to call in the professionals.
Post workout Ashley has Michael massage her sweaty feet to distract him from the fact that instead of evicting her mom from both Michael’s house and Ashley’s life, she’s given Mom a homework assignment. I bet the homework checklist is under a pile of mail at Mom’s house, if it made it into the house at all. When Michael responds, “Hmm…interesting” he doesn’t think it’s interesting at all. In fact, the lint between Ashley’s toes is more interesting to Michael. His mind is made up and nothing short of a receipt for a tent from Walmart will do. Ashley is not ready to go that far and the couple’s marriage is in deeper trouble than ever.
I couldn’t be happier if it was Christmas, because the day of Bubble Soccer has arrived! On the way over, Gizelle tells Robyn that Candiace is like a cheerleader. Robyn doesn’t remember meeting Candiace so it will all be new to her. Gizelle knows there is no way she will be able to look Little Chris in the eye because she will be thinking “Brown Penis”.
At the park, Robyn and Candiace are re-introduced and of course Gizelle just can’t help herself and stumbles through the explanation to Robyn of what Candiace had said about her man’s junk. Despite what may or may not be happening down below, I can affirm that the head on top of Chris’ shoulders was bright red. Robyn and Gizelle decide to get in a practice run of bubble soccer before the rest of the gang arrive. First of all, it’s August in Maryland. Secondly, there’s a body odor coming from the plastic bubbles, and third, when Robyn starts chasing Gizelle around the park and then starts bumping into her…I am so happy I live in the modern age where rewinding is available on cable TV. Gizelle is one and done. Luckily, new victims have arrived in the forms of Monique, Ashley, and Michael. Karen is last to show, and her date is Matt from the press conference. Yaaaassss! Keep Matt coming Darling! Oops! I almost forgot…Charrisse has come as well. Side bar to Bravo: either make Charrisse a regular or don’t let her be at Every. Single. Event. Just sayin’…
The Housewives and their dates squeeze into their bubbles for the big game. The only smart ones party poopers are Karen and Gizelle. It’s girls vs. boys. Am I the only one that rewound more than once to watch Monique getting bounced? The game didn’t last as long as I wanted, but it was television gold! If Bravo doesn’t have a Battle of the Network Stars: Housewives Edition and make this the main event, they’re crazy. Gizelle notes that a sweaty Charrisse looked like she got caught in a thunderstorm and Karen answered “That’s normal, isn’t it?” Ha!
Everyone is starving but the food is late. Luckily there is booze, but unfortunately it is pink moonshine syrup. The food arrives, and for just a moment, the wives are happy, But…… You have to understand, though it looks delicious, it’s also greasy and messy. Karen needs some napkins. And if she doesn’t get the damn napkins, she’ll be talking smack about Candiace for days! Can Candiace recover from such a faux pas? Yes! By talking about her overbearing mother. I mean, that’s the PERFECT thing to complain about to a table full of women who are actual mothers, right?!? Mom pays for basically everything. What does Chris with the brown dick pay for? Gizelle and Charrisse are like a tag team rapid firing questions at Candiace. She’s panicking. She’s dodging. She’s trying to give cohesive answers. Someone throws her a lifeline. It’s Karen Huger! Karen tells her to not listen to these women; they’re just messing with you. And just like that, the universe tells us all that no good deed goes unpunished. The heat, the humidity, and the flailing hands of one Candiace Dillard are too much for Karen’s wig. She literally sweats her wig off. Candiace tries to help, but I think a rabid squirrel could have given better assistance. You see, the Grand Dame has been wearing wigs for twenty years, and she’s not afraid of a little wig shift. She should, however, be wary of a little hurricane named Candiace.
Tell us: What did you think about the Bubble Soccer? Was Candiace hazed or just good-naturedly teased?
Recap Author: DANA S.
Photo Credit: Bravo TV