Last night we got a psychology lesson about how the brain works on Vanderpump Rules. For whatever reason associating with Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney transforms people into the most primal version of themselves – the hideous, scaly monster insider of us all who is operating in a pure rage-mode known as The Reptilian Brain. Either this, or being on reality TV keeps one in a constant stasis of fight with Katie or flight from Katie (on a PJ?!).
The only people NOT using their reptilian brains last night were Tom 1 and … get ready for this: JAX TAYLOR. I mean Jax is literally a reptile. A dinosaur, actually; all gnashing teeth with a brain the size of a peanut despite his enormous hulk. It’s all feed me, f*ck me, leave me… But last night Jax got in touch with his, maybe, Dolphin Brain? I say dolphins because they are a conscious, considerate, evolved species who care for their loved ones.
So as Brittany Cartwright sat moaning in pain from wisdom teeth extraction, Jax made sure she had all her creature comforts: beer cheese and tequila in a baby bottle, a blanket of dogs, and access to her Instagram account. This guy – so ready for marriage and parenthood, y’all! We’ll get back to that idea lates.
And now some other relationships in this cesspool of crocodile mating we call Vanderpump Rules.
At the same time, Lala can be very vulnerable. She has openly discussed her anxiety issues. She also has a soft spot for her friends. Even though she and James Kennedy are on the outs, she decided to be a kind person like her father was, and she let James know she is still there for him. But now it seems that she is the one who needs a friend to lean on.
#DogGate is a scandal that Dorit and PK would have preferred to keep private. Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave and Kyle Richards were dragged into #DogGate in the season’s opener when the ladies visited the adoption center and heard about Lucy’s ordeal from Lisa. Teddi subsequently admitted in a confessional that she already knew about Lucy’s ordeal courtesy of a Vanderpump Dog Foundation employee.
On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we were still trapped in Solvang with Krazy Kristen Doute. Apparently once cameras turned off and we all went to bed, she was haunting the halls of their hotel, screaming JAAAAAMES, and begging for cigarettes. But it’s not about James. It’s about Carter.
Katie Maloney had to take drastic measures to escape Kristen at her worst! It was so bad she chose to spend the night in Super Summer of Single Scheana‘s, room wearing a SUR uniform which was passed to Scheana after Katie’s um, winter body appeared on the scene.
Of course, hearing about her insane drunken behavior the previous night doesn’t stop Kristen from imbibing on their trip to the vineyard, however! Oh no, bring on the Riesling. Glug, slug, slug!