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Tom Sandoval

Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute And Katie Maloney Are Selling Their Own Brand Of Pinot Grigio

Vanderpump Rules is full of iconic one-liners. Some classics include Lisa Vanderpump telling Stassi Schroeder, “You’re not important enough to hate. Sit down.” Yas queen! Or when Tom Sandoval screamed about Tom Schwartz, “He’s a fucking battered wife! Look at him!” The “Pumptini!” jeer James Kennedy shouted at Jax Taylor is another a good one. 

But one of my all time favorites is from Stassi. When Stassi was at SUR, Scheana Marie came up to take their order. Stassi immediately quipped to Scheana, “I’m not really sure what I’ve done to you, but I’ll take a Pinot Grigio.” #Dead.

Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz

Are Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz Lisa Vanderpump’s business partners or not? Based on the small snippets we get to see on Vanderpump Rules, it’s as if she can’t decide. One minute, she’s entrusting them to come up cocktails for the menu. The next, she asks her daughter Pandora Vanderpump to take on the task instead. On last night’s episode, Lisa had the Toms come up with some drink recipes for a Daily Mail event.

During that same episode, Lisa banned Tom and Tom from being present when Nick Alain, their restaurant designer, showed up with decor and furniture for the restaurant. Really? They can’t even help unload boxes for a restaurant named in their honor? Nevertheless, they showed up anyway much to Lisa’s (perceived) dismay. She claimed that she didn’t want to leave them in suspense if they saw everything before it was set up, but that just doesn’t make the most sense.

Yes, we get it, Lisa and Ken Todd have contributed a majority of the money to  TomTom and they have greater ownership in the restaurant. And, of course, there’s no doubt that they’re experts in this industry. Nevertheless, the inconsistent inclusion of Tom and Tom at a restaurant called TomTom is pretty ironic. Tom Sandoval’s girlfriend Ariana Madix stood up for the Toms and called out Vanderpump Rules production in a series of tweets.

Vanderpump Rules Recap: Bad Mutha

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the collision of past and future as Stassi Schroeder’s mother demonstrated that the rotten apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!

The morning after her birthday meltdown, Stassi has some amends to make with Beau Clark. Stassi’s hangover face, puffy and red, has aged her 15 years yet she’s still drinking a beer for breakfast! It’s like one of those aging apps that shows what you’ll look like on your 50th birthday.

Apparently Stassi’s telephone harassment of Beau escalated to in-person harassment. She stormed back into the party to demand he come to bed with her immediately. And in response Beau cried. The next morning he whines that when Stassi yelled it felt like getting “dick punched” in the heart. Do dicks punch? I hadn’t known. Oh, maybe Beau means like being punched by an actual dick. Someone like Jax Taylor, perhaps.

Stassi Schroeder & Her Mom

On tonight’s all new Vanderpump Rules the fallout from Stassi Schroeder and Ariana Madix‘s joint birthday proves to have long-term drama in Stassi’s life.

First Stassi has to make amends with Beau Clark after drunkenly calling him, texting him, and screaming at him during her party. Thankfully, Beau loves Stassi but he is not willing to put up with her antics. 

Lindsay-Lohans-Beach-Club Lindsay Lohan's Beach Club

After a tumultuous career, and numerous interactions with the legal system, Lindsay Lohan has returned to the spotlight with the premiere of her new reality show Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club. The series centers around a beach club cleverly named “Lohan Beach House.”  Lindsay opened the club with Panos Spentzos in Mykonos, Greece.

In this premiere, we were introduced to her new employees. We got a little insight into Lindsay herself and saw what her beach club has to offer.

Stariana

Whew! Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was packed full of drama, wrapped in Stariana’s delusion, and doused with the warm flat remains of Tom Schwartz‘s Coors Light after he passed out in some random person’s house.

Lisa Vanderpump will be working to stop Yulin forever. To accomplish her goal of replacing all people in the world with dogs she requires each SURvian to own at least one canine. Even James Kennedy, who gets left out of everything, is not exempt. And guess what – to demonstrate what a topsy-turvy world this is, his dog is the cutest. The only exception is Scheana Marie, who has a cat. Because Scheana is more of a pariah than even James, and obviously has to own a me-centric animal (true confession I am a cat person).

Everyone meets at Vanderpump Dogs to put a temporary tattoo on their face and get a photo with their pooch, then post it on Instagram. Including James. Whose firing is the talk of the pound as he strolls through the door with Raquel Leviss by his side.

Lisa Vanderpump & James Kennedy

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns after it’s holiday hiatus. And I am ready for it!

Last time we saw this crew of geriatric bartenders and former bartenders, James Kennedy was sobbing over being fired by Lisa Vanderpump for fat shaming Katie Maloney. It’s a sick, sad world indeed when Katie is allowed to give ultimatums and Lisa capitulates. However, it seems like Lisa she realized the error of her ways. I mean, nobody really wants to put Katie Jong-Un in charge of anything! 

Lisa Vanderpump

So, nothing really happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules except that James Kennedy got fired and Brittany Cartwright made goopy neon orange sauce from stale beer, gourmet cheese, and ranch dressing. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS EVER DISCOVERED THE SPLENDORS OF BEER CHEESE.

James can’t eat beer cheese though because he’s given up alcohol for the 300th time. That, my friend, is a blessing in disguise. I have tasted this mythic beer goop that only comes from the bosom of mammaw’s Kentucky paws, you know, and meh.