Things begin with Carole Radziwill (in her nephew’s borrowed Halloween costume), Sonja Morgan (in Indiana Jones’ borrowed hat), and LuAnn (in Princess Diana’s borrowed accent) arriving in London. Heather Thomson and her Yummie Tummie holla-ing team are already there.
Carole is grouchy. And she’ll remind you of it over and over on this trip. Personally, a grouchy and snarky Carole is much more what Bravo was hoping for when they cast her – and she’s a good kind of witty grouchy, not just an out of control bitch.
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In the car from the airport to the penthouse, LuAnn and Sonja chatter nonsensically the entire time. Carole wants to use her taser to shut them up. It’s a leftover from her ABC News days when she was in war-torn countries. It’s also good for sample sales on the UES. She tells LuAnn she has a “pumpkin head” cause her head is huge - it matches her ego and her mouth.
On and on LuAnn and Sonja prattle; about Carole being braless and LuAnn’s British accent. She thinks her’s sounds good. I think she’s delusional. Carole agrees with me. Sonja is too self-absorbed to notice.
They arrive at the penthouse and it’s amazing. I would travel with Countess No More and her faux accent for a chance to stay there. Heather has left fasteners or fascinators for the ladies to dabble with as welcoming gifts. Sonja is still hung-up on Carole being braless as she points out that Carole doesn’t know what a fastener is because she doesn’t wear a bra. I love Sonja – and she had some killer one liners this episode.
Instead of resting and taking a break from each other they decide to go shopping. The first store is fancy-schmancy and the former Mrs. Morgan Chase demurs that her income is no longer up to snuff for prices so high. Sonja tells us she always fears she’ll end up a bag lady shaking a can by the subway. I imagine Sonja hunkered down in her Chanel deck chair wrapped in a Hermes blanket, swilling Cristal, and shaking a LV shoebox while she begs for change outside Barneys. Woes of a billionaire divorcee. I don’t know why she hasn’t written a book.
The ladies end up in a funkier store with more downtown prices and Carole tries on this feather capelet that I need to have now. Sonja is still exclaiming about Carole’s basically non-existent boobs and why Carole isn’t wearing a brawr. Sonja is jealous that her’s hang down to her knees. Perhaps she should take Carole brawr shopping already! Maybe Carole will even buy her a nice bra in exchange – Sonja can’t afford one!
The ladies stroll through the streets of London and Carole talks about moving there following her husband’s death. She explains the plight of the widow is that people expect you to close up shop and never get frisky again. “Widows are the new virgins.” It’s in her book. Just a reminder – Carole wrote a book and she must be contractually obligated to mention that and ABC on every episode.
‘Oh isn’t that nice,’ LuAnn muses, before launching into a story of her own foregone move to London back when she was a countess.
Carole shoots her dagger eyes that read ‘Nobody cares. Shut it.’ and tells us LuAnn always finds a way to make every conversations about her. Oh… we hadn’t noticed! But listen, Carole – that is the way of the Housewife. You signed up to hang out with these self-absorbed ninnies. You had the maid make your bed in the Penthouse – now lay down on your fluffed pillows, enjoy your mint, and deal. Or develop a drinking problem.
Speaking of drinking problems, stateside Aviva Drescher is stranded on the Island of Manhattan with Pinot Singer. Who checked her manners at the door. Ramona and Aviva are shoe shopping and Ramona just doesn’t understand how that’s going to work since Aviva only has one leg and all. I ask you this question: Has Pinot NOT NOTICED that Aviva wears shoes everywhere like a normal person?
In the store Aviva unveils her prosthesis and Ramona all but dies. She cannot contain her rude inquiries and shocking displays of aghast that it looks like a normal leg and not some sort of wooden pirate contraption circa 1600. ‘Oh. My. God. I can’t believe it. It, like, looks real. It has toes. It looks real. It looks better than your other leg. Can I touch it?!’ She repeats this stuff over and over – at full volume – while bouncing around, POINTING, and running in circles like Aviva had just pooped on the shoe floor.
“I can’t wear slingbacks,” Aviva informs her. “Call the NY Times. It’s a fake leg. WITH TOES,” Ramona retorts. “Please leave. You’re unruly and embarrassing,” the shoe salesman admonishes. No shoes for you, Pinot!
Back in London the other ladies are making an appearance at the Yummie Tummie international dinner. It’s all Yummie Tummie-ers and Housewives. The dinner is held in the former House of Dior. The bathroom stalls are shaped like eggs. And dropping an egg is apparently is a euphemism for poop. Heather makes a joke about dropping an egg in the egg and LuAnn‘s face clouds over. She was thinking of different eggs – lady eggs – and her own long-ago dropped pair.
Later Sonja will get lost in the eggs and think she actually lost her’s in the loo. More like marbles – lost marbles, that is. ‘All our eggs are long gone,’ Carole reminds her.
Over dinner, Heather wants everyone to go around the table, introduce themselves and say why they love Yummie! There’s like 60 people and the RHONY ladies haven’t eaten all day. Sonja is about to pass out, Carole wants to stab people – mostly LuAnn - with her fork, and LuAnn plastered on her ‘Didn’t you know I was a countess and have purrrfeckt manners?’ face.
One Yummie-er stands up and announces that while Carole may be a princess, he is a queen. LuAnn all but shrivels up and dies. She cuts Carole a dangerous side eye at the mention of the word “princess.” I’m pretty sure she wanted to launch over the table and garrot that poor Yummie-er with her purse strap while screaming,’I'm a mother effing countess too, bitch!’ Then I imagine her primly excusing herself to fix her lipstick in the ladies. LuAnn has always given me a Serial Mom vibe. 10 pts if you’ve seen that movie.
Carole refuses to stand for her introduction so LuAnn bests her by not only standing up but commenting about standing. Then she gives a full speech AND makes a toast. Sonja simply says thank-you and is the only one that truly demonstrates gracious manners.
Later dinner is served while Carole and Sonja are in the eggs, or orgasmatrons. Forever. I need to see this bathroom in person. LuAnn sits there in front of her dinner, waiting, with a bemused smile. “It’s good etiquette to wait until everyone is seated before eating,” she informs us. “That’s in my book.”
LUANN - no one at that table has read Class With The Countess! Just freaking eat! No one else at the table waited. Or cared.
The next morning – bright and early – Heather is on BBC talking about Yummie Tummie. She drags along former TV producer Carole, who is bitter and haggard after no sleep. Carole says Heather is a producer’s dream because, well, she likes to talk and she does so a lot. No interview required there – just lett’r loose!
Back in New York, Ramona is doing her talk at the Learning Annex. Ramona’s talk is titled: Having Your Own Pinot and Drinking It Too. Sometimes To Your Detriment. It was sold out. Surprisingly. There is much to do about a table height and how the pinot must be easily accessible while she drones on and on about being successful.
Ramona is very excited about this talk. It’s a big deal and, in her mind, cements that she is a business woman of note. Meanwhile Heather is running an international company. Small details. Ramona’s talk starts out like this: “If. I. Can. Do. It. So. Can. You.” She paused about 16 minutes between each word, looked around with her crazy eyes, guzzled pinot, and then repeated the same sentence. Everyone went home confused.
The next night our girls in London decide to have a middle-aged sleepover, which consists of a lot of wine and food. “We’re going to get nasty and dirty with our eating and boozing,” Heather gleefully announces. Yuck? That sounds like a low-budget porno. Instead they take Polaroids of Heather in some glasses that everyone hates. ”Do you remember Mr. Potato Head?,” Sonja asks her. Never a phrase you want to hear to describe your look!
LuAnn describes Heather as “gangsta chic” and says that is the inspiration for her next song. Here’s an idea – how about silent chic. You just don’t sing, LuAnn, and we pretend you have another song.
Then our overgrown teenagers take a sex quiz. Seriously. Did someone have an old Seventeen Mag lying around or something? God – I loved those quizzes. The Countess recounts sex on a ping pong table. Sounds unsafe. LuAnn is really into the sex talk this season, isn’t she? TMI, girlie.
Back in the N-Y-C, Aviva and her husband Reid are forced to endure dinner with the Pinots. Ramona announces that those girls aren’t having any fun in London because Heather is there and she’s a bitchy, know-it-all, talks a lot. ‘Oh, were you trying to say something, Aviva? Now as I was saying about how much Heather sucks…’
Reid interjects to asks if Ramona has problems with other women. Clearly he’s seen this show. Ramona – completely serious – says NO! Roll back the tape, Andy! Roll it back, back, back to S1 and let that baby fly. Ramona is delusional.
Pinot continues ranting about Heather and Reid interjects again. This time he asks Ramona if she thinks Heather is jealous of her? Reid is being sarcastic, it’s worth noting. Ramona doesn’t do sarcasm. She thinks he’s serious and goes on a tangent about how Heather is insecure and people like her – the astounding Ramona – make insecure people feel more insecure.
Aviva keeps trying to mutter something to join the conversation, but there’s no use.
Strangely after all of this, Aviva invites the Pinots to their home in Miami for Art Basel. Then Ramona starts coughing maddeningly, choking on her own verbal diarrhea. Pinot down the wrong pipe!
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
WHO IS GOING TO KILL WHOM FIRST: CAROLE OR LUANN? RAMONA OR HEATHER?