First of all, I'd like to give a huge "WAY TO GO!" to Mary for a job well done with the Silver Fox yesterday. While she's recuperating from rubbing elbows with celebrities and trading Housewives gossip with THE Anderson Cooper, I will be taking over the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo recap. It almost feels like Christmas! To be totally honest, this family had me "neck rust." Of course, I don't have to tell you that last night's episode did not disappoint. I forced my friend to watch it a few weeks ago because he's from the next county over and is familiar with the Kuntry Stoe (it's apparently somewhat famous among tee-niny Georgia towns). He could only stomach about five minutes of it, but he is also pretty sure he knows people who went to high school with June. His girlfriend shared with me last night, and I quote, "He's told me about a thirty times how he lives close to Honey Boo Boo." It appears everyone has been touched by this little pageant angel.
The show ran the gamut, from Alana's seventh birthday party to June and her money-making schemes (extreme Bingo-ing, y'all!) to make-up lessons to meeting Miss Georgia…who, by the way, doesn't fart. I know you're totally shocked by that information. I just can't get enough of these people. Sit back on your velour pee-stained sectional (hold it in, Chickadee!), stroke your deer yard art, and enjoy.
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June and Alana are one week away from the summer's final pageant, and June plans on saving money by learning how to beautify Alana for the pageant by doing her hair and make-up. Sidebar…I am so tired of people saying that this show is dumbing down our country. I have already read more in the last twenty seconds than most people read all day, and reading = educational. June's subtitles rival those of Lil' Scrappy from Love & Hip Hop Atlanta. I love living in the South! A wonderful make-up artist is showing June how to apply glitz make-up. She is doing half of Alana's face and hoping that June will be able to replicate (that's a fancy word for copy, y'all! ) the make-up on her side. Alana treats us to a montage of pageant face and belly. My self-esteem just hit the floor when I realized that my Honey Boo Boobs are about the size of Alana's little chest.
June is like her TLC counterpart Carmindy when it comes to doing make-up…if Carmindy had vision problems! Poor June…her eyesight is failing her and she has forklift foot? June has invited Jessica and Anna to watch the lesson since June can't hit the broad side of a barn with mascara, much less her daughter's face. Alana is rightfully worried that her mother is going to make her look like a street walker. If she wasn't so spot on with her concern, I'd be appalled that a six-year-old knew the term "street walker," but this spitfire is just calling it like she sees it…because, unlike June, she can see the disaster that has been smeared on one side of her spunky face. The make-up artist interjects to point out where Alana's eyebrow actually is, and Chubbs, Chickadee, and Pumpkin seem legitimately frightened by their sister's face. The side of the face that June made up makes Alana look like an actress in an abuse PSA. Alana says it best when she advises her mother to stick to couponing and stay away from the make-up table. She'd best Maybellineck-ognize!
June and family head to the VFW in Macon for Bingo night in hopes of scoring some cash for the upcoming pageant. My prediction is that June is going to make her fortune by writing a book which shares her money-saving tips with the nation. Having spent a lot of time in Macon, I kind of feel "at one" with the family right about now. B4 is a Bingo square, not word! June is serious about Bingo, and she works that stamper like it's her job. Sugar Bear is sporting a very jaunty cap (on second glance, it's a regular baseball cap, but I'm still going with "jaunty"), and the family is focused. Due to her eyesight, June really needs to bring her A-game, or, in this case, her G game. June's "Bingo face" is going to be the next meme. Ermahgerd! Berngo! Alana accuses another player of cheating, but Mama assures her that you can't cheat at Bingo. Alana comes thisclose to winning the grand prize, but she's sidelined by the vicious N-40. Tragic. We are then treated to individual interviews where we get a June sneezefest (Christmas, I tell you!), and Alana making her future teachers proud by spelling Bingo, B-I-N-G………………………..O.
It's as if Alana just came home to the motherland. She and Mama are heading to the Chic Boutique to meet with Miss Georgia 2011. Thankfully, a friend of a friend (or perhaps a friend of a friend's cousin of a TLC producer) was able to set up a meeting with the beauty queen. Alana and June are still wearing their finest Bingo attire. Miss Georgia warrants a wind machine and a slow motion hair shake reminiscent of Phoebe Cates in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. However, unlike the former Miss Teen My State, I'm guessing Miss Georgia knows a little more about maps and the "such as Iraqs." Alana is actually shy meeting Michaela Lackey. June wants nothing more than to support her daughter's pageant dreams, and, in a nutshell, this is why I love this show. It may be gross, it may be ridiculous, but this family really does have a lot of genuine love. Michaela is excited to
gain some relevance via TLC help Alana reach her goals. She is very good at twisting her words to make things sound positive. For example, "This child has major ADD and/or behavior issues and needs some discipline" translates nicely into "Alana isn't afraid to show her attitude, and that boldness could serve her well on the pageant stage." Oh diplomacy!
We learn that Honey Boo Boo loves looking at herself in the mirror. After the interview session with Alana's hand mirror skillz, I am convinced she could kick Forrest Gump's ass at ping-pong. The unlikely trio heads to lunch, and I'm reminded of a certain eighth anniversary dinner at the local cafeteria. The always precocious Alana asks Michaela if she is that tall in real life. Michaela chokes on her sweet tea, reminds Alana that this is, in fact, real life, and curses Mario Lopez for not giving her a high enough score in the swimsuit category to take a national title. Michaela explains to Alana that she really needs to work on her manners. Mainlining sheet cake isn't cute. Alana, the wisest of the wise, ponders how she is ever going to talk if she can't talk with her mouth full. Think about it…the kid's a philosopher raised on cheese balls. Poor Miss Georgia is forced to recap the outing and use the word "fart" when reliving Alana's gas issues at lunch. She so deserved those points, Mario! Michaela is thankful her time with Alana and June is coming to a close, and she gifts the young Jedi with her headshot. The always sharp Alana asks who is in the picture. Michaela continues to practice her stellar diplomatic prowess when discussing Alana's chances of becoming Miss America someday.
Chubbs and Chickadee wonder how they can make Alana's seventh birthday extra special. Pumpkin joins the pow-wow, and after realizing that the sisters are all broke and highly uncreative, she decides they should just steal some stuff from Mama's kitchen Costco to wrap for their youngest sibling. Pumpkin snags a gallon of hot sauce, some body wash, and a suspicious looking box. Chubbs calls said box "cereal" but it's totally a super pack of tampons. Am I wrong? Chubbs uses an entire roll of tape on the tampons, which is good considering it will probably be at least a year before Alana needs them.
Sugar Bear is preparing the premises for the party. He's making sure the above ground pool is filled to capacity, the giant water slide is properly inflated, and the county of McIntyre will never EVER run out of hot dog buns. He's the poor man's Colin Cowie! Alana is thrilled to celebrate with her friends, although I'm wishing these girls would stop participating in water activities while wearing clothes. Put on a swimsuit already! June navigates the slide's inflatable ladder. Is it just me, or is she STILL hiding her forklift foot in the same ill-fitting ankle socks that sport a half-pedicure? June refuses to take off her socks to get more traction on the ladder. Chickadee chalks up her mother's failure to "forklift foot and gravity." There's hope for you yet, Chickadee! June drowns her sorrows at the sno-cone truck. The gracious hostess Alana sweetly thanks her guests for attending her party before ripping into her soap and hot sauce gifts. There is no mention of the tampons although we see Alana struggle with unwrapping the box. While Alana has had the time of her life, June can't wait to "vegetate her fat ass" on the couch. In the closing scene, Alana sneezes (like mother, like daughter), and she's clearly learned enough manners to know that she shouldn't remove her hand from her face due to the snot that is streaming from her nose. Priceless. How could you not love this family?
Next week is the one hour finale of this amazingness, and baby (bacon?) Kaitlyn is rumored to make her debut!
TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE? DID MISS GEORGIA EARN HER ANGEL WINGS FOR DINING WITH ALANA?
[Photo Credit: TLC]