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Last week on Big Rich Texas, Kalyn Braun got herself fired from the ranch (where she scooped poop) for flirting with the boys and showing too much boob. News traveled quickly around Woodhaven, of course, and Whitney Whatley just couldn't resist the opportunity to call Kalyn a slut at the Texas Diva Reboozing party. Insults were slurred… glass was broken… Kalyn's almost mommy came to her rescue. 

Dragging Kalyn to the car, Leslie Birkland demands, "How could you not tell me you got fired?" Kalyn is all like, whatever… all I did was flirt with boys. Tyler quips, "Hopefully just flirting." Kalyn declares, she's had a rough night and wants to stop talking about it. Leslie says, "We'll talk about it when I want to talk about it… and I want to talk about it tomorrow." Hilarious. Way to be all stern and stuff. Leslie informs Kalyn that she's now working with her at Life's A Pageant. I'm not sure if that's a step up or a step down from the ranch. 
 
Bright and early the next day, we learn that Bonnie Blossman hopes her Fiona Frost book series makes her the next J.K. Rowling. The second book of the series is ready, which calls for a party. Bonnie explains, "The main suspects of the book are a teen vampire cult, so I'm having a vampire-themed launch party." Naturally, Bonnie and Whitney shop for costumes for the party. While shopping for vampire gear, Bonnie asks Whitney why she went after Kalyn at the Texas Diva party. The short answer is… Kalyn's a skank.
 
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Cut to the couch, Whitney asks Bonnie, "How would you like it if someone went to Jason to get her vajayjay pierced?" Bonnie points out, Jason isn't a body piercer, so that'd be awkward. Body piercer or not, Bonnie admits that she'd kill the girl. Whitney, "Exactly!" 

Their conversation turns to Booger. Bonnie asks Whitney if she can hang out with her and Booger – and, much to Bonnie's horror, she actually refers to him as Booger instead of Brandon. Whitney is like, hell no. Bonnie pleads, "I just have a hard time seeing what you see in him. Right now, he's just this dude that has a lot of tattoos and the weird African thing in his ear." 

Since Whitney refuses to let Bonnie infiltrate her and Booger's relationship, Bonnie takes matters into her own hands. via Google. Bonnie and Jason find pictures of Booger's tattoos, including "peek a boo" above his butt and "yay" above his "ding ding." (I'd question the term, but Bonnie is a doctor and her shirt says I must trust her.) Bonnie is like, "Who does that?!" I'm like, "Bonnie, why does your husband have boy band hair?" Clearly, that's the bigger issue here. I can deal with Booger cerebrating his penis, but I cannot get over Jason's hair. 

While Leslie is ready for a new day of pageant pimping, Kalyn is sick in bed. Leslie does not believe Kalyn and refuses to pay her for the day. Kalyn does not look the least bit concerned about her paycheck. Next, Melissa Poe reveals she has designed a line of swimsuit cover ups. She meets with Vera Wang, but not that Vera Wang, to talk about launching her line. The fake Vera Wang loves Melissa's sketches. Melissa is ecstatic. 

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We're back to Leslie… whose mission in life is to help girls and young women realize their full pageant potential. Apparently, Nikki Walker runs the same business. What a small world. Nikki has help from her younger brother, Austin, who is 14, and Leslie whines because 18-year-old Kalyn is useless to her. Still complaining about Kalyn's work ethic, Leslie ignores her client, who wanders off to find shoes on her own. Nikki giggles. Leslie meets up with her client, and then ignores her in favor of a phone call. It's Tyler, informing Leslie that Kalyn went to the hospital in an ambulance. 

At the hospital, Leslie learns that borrowing a daughter to be on a reality TV show doesn't means beans to the hospital staff. Leslie and Tyler are kept in the dark about Kalyn's condition because they're not blood relatives. Later, Kalyn gives us the rundown – she was rushed to the hospital for bad back pain, she got IVs and morphine, the doctors talked to her about surgery, it was traumatic. What seems like an hour later, she leaves the hospital to go home.

Cindy Davis, DeAynni Hatley, and Melissa meet up at the club. That has to be weird for Melissa, since she's the one who started trouble (imagine that) between Cindy and DeAynni at the Texas Diva party. On her couch, Cindy's jaw hammers out, "I was furious when Melissa said Dee was going around saying I was basically an absentee mom. Dee hits her kids!" Melissa doesn't want to them to think she was gossiping (she was). On her couch, DeAynni says, "I didn't want to fight with Cindy last night (Side note: It's still the same day? OMG. I'd move.) and I don't want to fight with her now." DeAynni says to Cindy, "We agree to disagree on parenting, don't we?" Cindy nods her head. DeAynni, thinking she's so cute and funny, adds, "I'm hands on; you're hands off."

Melissa tells Cindy and DeAynni about her new business venture. Cindy is like, Wow, Vera Wang?!? Melissa is like, she's a fake. DeAynni tells Melissa to seek out investors. With a bounce in step pain in her voice, Cindy offers to help. Melissa takes off, and DeAynni asks Cindy if she's really going to invest in Melissa's line. Cindy laughs, "Umm, probably not." 

Cindy's like, Please, what does Melissa know about swimwear? Let's drink to that everything.

Apparently, Maddie is the face of Bonnie's Fiona Frost character. Bonnie and Maddie (and by extension, Melissa) go to a local radio show to talk about the book. While they're waiting to go on the air, Bonnie tells Melissa about the picture of Booger's butt tattoo, which she refers to as porn. Bonnie exaggerates. 

Leslie approaches Kalyn, whispering, "You look better. Do you feel better?" She's so melodramatic. On the couch, Leslie says, "I was completely freaked out that Kalyn went to the hospital… I've been so hard on her." She has? Maybe she means when didn't indulge her with overpriced clothes or when she demanded to talk about Kalyn's firing when Kalyn wanted to talk about it? Leslie needs Kalyn to tell her what ails her. Kalyn tells Leslie that she developed a severe kidney infection because Whitney harassed her. Leslie eats it up. 

On the couch, Kalyn further explains her dire situation, "When I went into the hospital, the doctor informed me that kidney infections are sometimes caused by stress … I know why I was stressed … It was because of all of the stuff between me and Whitney, and how she's been picking on me a lot lately." Leslie sits beside Kalyn with a smug look on her face, nodding her head, all like yup, that's right. Kalyn tells Leslie she tried to be mature… by asking Booger to pierce her vagina? Still, Leslie assures Kalyn this is "not over."

Bonnie drives to Love-N-Hate to hang out with Booger behind Whitney's back. Or, as Bonnie puts it, to take her investigation to the next level. Bonnie gives Booger a sandwich, and then jumps right in with weird questions.  

Q: How old were you when you got "peek a boo" above your ass? A: About 22. I'm kind of a goofy and silly guy. 

Q: Do you really like Whitney, what is Whitney's favorite color, would Whitney rather wear glitter or shimmer? A: I love Whitney, pink, glitter.

Q: What if you're both lying in bed at night and you see a roundworm crawling out her nose – would you still love her? A: Absolutely.

Q: What about a tapeworm coming out of her anus? A: That's fine with me.

Is stuff like this a huge concern in Texas? Nevertheless, Booger humors Bonnie.

Q: Do you realize what kids will do to Whitney's body? A: I do.

Q: How do you feel about plastic surgery? A: I'm all about it.

Final exam: Q: Every Christmas, we dress up in characters. What are you going to be? A: I'm going to be an elf. Booger smiles a cute little smile. 

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Even though I'd rather hear more about worms crawling out of Whitney's anus, the camera cuts to Kalyn crying "woe is me, Whitney is so mean" to Maddie. Back to Bonnie and Booger. Since many of Booger's clients are soccer moms and their daughters (for some reason, I found that line funny), he offers to promote Bonnie's book in his shop. I'd say, despite the creepy tattoo baby, Bonnie and Booger's bonding time was a smashing success.

Melissa informs Maddie that there's no way Kalyn got either a UTI or a kidney infection from stress. She says, "I'm concerned about Kalyn's health issues, but I'm even more concerned about Kalyn giving Maddie misinformation about sexual health." Melissa tells Maddie… look what happens when you sleep around. With that out of the way, Melissa also tells Maddie about the swimsuit coverups. Meanwhile, Leslie must have forgotten all about Kalyn being unemployed because she treats her to a shopping spree. Kalyn is mentally planning more health scares. In other news, Whitney is not happy that Bonnie went to see Booger and Melissa shouldn't wear horizontal stripes around her middle. 

Booger helps Bonnie set up for the Fiona Frost launch party. Bonnie says, "Now I really approve [of Booger] because he works harder than my kids do." Once the party settles in, Melissa tells Bonnie about Kalyn's whole ordeal, and how she's blaming her kidney infection on Whitney. Bonnie is flabbergasted.On the couch, Bonnie shares, "As a biologist, I know that kidney infections are not caused by stress. In my professional opinion, in this case, it's most likely from Kalyn sleeping around too much." Whitney is all like, most likely? Try, definitely. Bonnie says, "I was trying to be nice." 

Cindy and Leslie march into Bonnie's party. Bonnie asks Leslie why she's there. Leslie answers, "because I've been trying to call you," but Bonnie hints, "when I didn't answer…" Leslie tells Bonnie, "Whitney needs to be reigned in. She is the reason Kalyn went to the hosptial." Bonnie tells Leslie to leave. Cindy, looking like she got ahold of some Teen Mom eyeliner, butts in.

Bonnie suggests they both leave and tells Leslie to look up urinary tract infections. Helping her kickstart her research, Bonnie says, "You don't get a UTI from stress, you get it from…" 

"…sleeping around," courtesy of Whitney.

Bonnie adds, "Bacteria does not spontaneously generate. Look it up, bitch." Okay, I added everything between look and bitch, but Bonnie totally said the smart stuff.

Cut to Leslie on her couch, "Hmmm. Now I'm going to have to do a little fact checking and get to the bottom of this mess." The stupidity (all around) blows my mind. On her own couch, Bonnie says, "I'm completely outraged by Leslie's inappropriate behavior at my book launch party." Whitney contributes, "You should have dumped that bitch a long time ago." Back at the party, Bonnie tells Melissa she's over Leslie. 

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON KALYN VS. WHITNEY? HAVE YOU READ ANY OF BONNIE'S BOOKS? WILL YOU NOW? 

Photo credit: Style Network

 

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