Bravo sure does love a train wreck. I mean, what was THAT?!
Princesses: Long Island follows six young (on paper) women from affluent areas of Long Island who "live pampered lifestyles in the comfort of their parents' homes and at the expense of their bank accounts." It's like a bizarre mix of Jersey Shore, Seinfeld, and Real Housewives of New Jersey.
We meet Chanel (Coco) Omari, the headband loving social connector of the group, Erica Gimbel, the wild child who drinks too much, Ashlee White, the "if I can't wear stilettos, I can't go" character, Amanda Bertoncini, the one who met her creepy older boyfriend on a train, and Joey Lauren, the "poor" girl from the "ghetto" of Freeport.
Casey Cohen, the sixth princess, reportedly shows up next week.
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Chanel "Coco" Omari sums up the entire premise of Princesses: Long Island, saying, "When you're 27 years old, still single, and living with your parents, it's time to panic." To add insult to injury, Coco's younger sister, Ashley, is engaged. Coco needs to find a man with money. Like, yesterday.
Over dinner, Ashley assures her older sister that good men do exist, adding, "And they'll kiss your feet like they should." Dad tells Coco that she needs a man to take care of her. Well, golly gee, I wonder what Ward Cleaver is doing these days. I mean, is he serious? Ashley's fiance points out that Coco needs to get over her douche bag ex before she can find a new guy.
Coco explains that her boyfriend of 10 months (yes. 10. whole. months.) left her five months ago to reunite with his nineteen-year-old ex girlfriend. Coco and Douche dated for 10 months, they've been split up for five months, and Coco still cries over it. Needless to say, this princess does not expect to meet her
prince charming doctor/lawyer/heir anytime soon.
Erica Gimbel, 29, is not your typical "nice Jewish girl" and has a reputation as a party girl. She, too, lives at home with her parents, as it's "normal" and "definitely a Jewish thing and definitely a Long Island thing."
Over a lunch of non-Kosher but blessed nonetheless hot dogs and wine, Erica and Coco bitch about their exes. Coco complains because her ex still wants to be friends. The horror! She's like, It's marriage or nothing! On the flip side, Erica and ex Rob are constantly breaking up and making up. Another constant in her life? A full glass of wine. When Erica's dad suggests she's had too much at lunch, she whines, "I'm 29, not 17. You can't tell me what to do anymore."
Ashlee White, 30, is one of Coco's best friends. She's a bundle of fun, a character, and not afraid to be herself, says Coco. Ashlee is the epitome of a sheltered, spoiled, rich girl, says me.
Ashlee is like, I'm Jewish, I'm American, I'm a princess, so what?!, adding, "I love living at home. I don't have to go to the supermarket, I don't have to pay rent, and my mom cleans my room. Why would I ever want to leave?" Then, Ashlee shares, she longs to marry an assertive and ambitious and successful gentleman. So, she's 30 and brags about mommy cleaning her room, but she wants a partner who is ambitious and successful. Honey, you're not that special, HAHA.
Her parents are her best friends; in fact, Ashlee and her dad enjoy side-by-side mani-pedis in the premiere. The family that picks polish together, stays together?
Much to Ashlee's horror, her feet end up in flat flip flops after her pedicure. She asks for pedicure shoes with a heel, saying, "I cannot walk in flats. The thought of wearing flats makes me want to gag." Obviously, the nail salon is not equipped with heeled pedicure flip flops, so Ashlee sits in a rolling chair and makes her dad push her to the front of the salon. Then, the princess insists that a nail salon employee carry her to her car. Ashlee is straight up ridic. I hope Daddy Warbucks tips well.
Amanda Bertoncini, 26, thinks she's thisclose to marrying her soulmate, Jeff, 38. They met on the Long Island Rail Road and find the age difference to be very sexy. Babs, the over-bearing mom, doesn't want to hear "Amanda" and "move out" in the same sentence. Amanda says, "It's going to happen soon so you better buckle up," to which Babs says, "You're not even together a year. I don't even want to hear about it."
Next, Amanda meets Jeff for dinner, and OMG it's Kramer from Seinfeld. Well, um, did Kramer have a gay brother named Jeff? Their dinner conversation goes like this: Amanda, "I see you as being my husband." Jeff, "That's unbelievable. Your mom will be really happy to hear that I'm the one." Amanda, "Your muscles are bulging. You look so hot."
Jeff, "Let's pretend I'm straight and make out." And they make out in the middle of a classy restaurant. Babs calls, crying because she wants to be there, and Amanda feels smothered.
Joey Lauren, 29, is not one of the "lucky" ones. "A lot of girls from Long Island are part of the lucky sperm club," she says. "I'm so far from spoiled, I don't know what that looks or feels like. I work a full-time job and I'm launching my own business."
Ashlee, the product of privileged sperm, drives through Freeport to pick up Joey. She Oh! My! God!s her way all the way through town. Ashlee calls her dad, saying, "I'm in Freeport! I don't know. It's not what I'm used to. I feel a little uncomfortable." The random front porch couch and yard fences push the princess over the edge. "I feel really bad for them," adds Ashlee. "I want to literally give everyone a hug and then get the hell out." Isn't she charming?
So, Ashlee survives her trip through her idea of a dangerous neighborhood and picks up Joey, who describes Ashlee as a typical Long Island girl – she's obsessed with status, drives a BMW, carries Prada, and has a mom with big boobs. Ashlee and Joey meet Erica at the mall, which is CLOSED due to a power outage, HAHA. "Is this a joke?" bemoans Ashlee. "I've gone through the ghetto, I drove in a monsoon, and now the store is closed?!" Regardless, Ashlee weasels her way into the store, to put things on hold. Crisis averted! Neither Erica nor Joey is surprised that Ashlee got her way.
Later, Erica decides that she wants to throw a pool party for all of her friends. Her dad agrees, adding, "Just go easy on the wine." Erica tells Joey that she's back with Rob. Whether or not that's a good thing remains to be seen. On one hand, Erica feels pressure to marry and have kids, but on the other hand, she doesn't think she's ready for the responsibility. Erica adds, "It's not like we're too old," to which Joey says, "Actually, six years till your eggs go bad."
Did someone say pool party? Well, Amanda needs a new bikini, then! At the store, she explains, she brought Jeff because he likes to see her half naked and she brought Babs because she'll pay. Amanda shares, "For most guys, staying home, watching football, and drinking beer is a perfect day. For Jeff, it's going shopping with me."
The ensuing Babs and Amanda fashion show is all kinds of awkward and nasty. Jeff wants to "see that sexy body" and "might have to leave the room" once he does. It gets worse. Like I said, Babs is there too, and she's way too happy to show the goods to her daughter's boyfriend. "Let me see the two of you," begs Jeff. "OMG. You guys look unbelievable. You're going to put a hole in my pocket." I think I'm going to be sick.
Erica throws the pool party at her cousin's mansion, saying, "Now I don't have to worry about my dad's rules or clean up the house after." I guess the mansion comes with a party clean up crew? Ashlee, Coco, and Joey are the first ones to arrive. Joey brings the South Beach eye candy. However, Coco points out that a Long Island girl hopes to land a doctor, lawyer, or Wall Street type, not one of those fist-pumping beefcake boys. About the eye candy, Ashlee adds, "Looks are not important to me. I want a man who is 10 years older and wears a suit. I'm looking for amenities."
Amanda and Jeff arrive last. Sara appears out of nowhere to tell Amanda that she and Jeff are Facebook friends. I guess Sara is a friend of Joey. A nervous Jeff tells Amanda that the befriending happened long before they were together. Jeff goes on to compare the tension to cheesecake, adding, "You can cut it with a knifffe. You can cut it with a knifffffe." Really, Amanda doesn't seem to care much, and she insists she trusts Jeff. Meanwhile, a drunken Sara tells everyone who will listen, the "freako weirdo" stalks her Facebook. "It's all very weird," says Ashlee. "Why is she telling me this?"
A few too many drinks later, Sara approaches Amanda again, to say that Jeff "writes on" her Facebook "a little bit." Amanda wishes Sara would go home. Sara and Jeff exchange words. When Sara asks Jeff if he's serious, he answers, "No. I'm Jeff, actually." This guys is too cheesy for words.
Next, Amanda and Sara yell back and forth, with Jeff screaming "take a stroll" no less than ten times in the background. Sara does not budge, saying to Jeff, "You are PSYCHO!" Amanda asks Erica to make Sara leave. "I just want to help you," insists Sara. "This guys is so weird and so in my face." Then, Amanda throws her drink on Sara's chest, and you know the beefcakes are like, DUDE! BODY SHOTS! "Sara is a hot mess," explains Ashlee. "Minus the hot."
Amanda asks Joey to get her friend out of there, explaining, "She called my boyfriend a freak. She's trying to break us up. She's saying he POKED her." Joey refuses to get involved, but says to the camera, "Poking is creepy." #agreed At this point, Amanda is beyond pissed off that no one has her back, and then she announces that she doesn't care about Facebook because she and Jeff are getting married. The guys all clap, adding, "Yay! Amanda's getting married to Stud!"
Sara reappears and calls Jeff a disparaging name that rhymes with maggot. "That word is not a joke," cries Ashlee. "That word is not a joke. That word. is. not. a joke." Ashlee takes issue with Sara, obviously, and begins to question Joey's judgment. Sara slurs that she cannot look at Jeff's "hideous" face, and Jeff yells "really?" like 10 times. Joey maintains, "I'm staying out of it. They need to figure it out like big girls." Ashlee SOBS. Then, Jeff yells, "This SUCKS! Do you realize this sucks? You all suck and Sara sucks. We're outta here!"
Reading my mind, Coco says, "This is why we're all not married."
These "princesses" are a MESS! That said, the season looks promising, and by promising I mean trash TV at its finest. #bringiton
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Photo credit: Bravo