Last night was the premiere of Teen Mom 2. In case you have been living in a bomb shelter where twitter does not exist, it gave you the opportunity to catch up on what's been happening with our ever responsible ladies. 

Jenelle Evans is still atrocious! After marrying Courtland Rogers, getting arrested 3 zillion times, and getting bailed out 3 zillion times she's back home with mom Barbara and terrorizing their peaceful-ish domestic tranquility with her soulless vortex. Apparently we're supposed to be proud of her or something. We're not. She whines that being a teen mom is like sooo super hard – not sure how she would know since she doesn't even interact with Jace when he's sitting right in front of her. 

And since the world that is Jenelle is less stable than a drunk sorority girl on a parade float, she has more news. Jenelle takes a walk with her friend to share that getting off heroin is like hard and she's also like pregnant, so she's decided to get an abortion. How many pregnancies this year? "I should have made him put on a condom," Jenelle whines. "I'm so disappointed in myself." Completely monotone insincerity. 

Jenelle's mom Babs supports the abortion since she doesn't want to be raising a second grandchild that Jenelle lost track of while she pursued her intensely fulfilling relationship with twitter. Jenelle is glad Courtland is stuck in jail so she doesn't have to tell him about all of this. 


Leah Calvert is happily married to Jeremy and Ali is walking, but has been diagnosed with a rare form of muscular dystrophy that will degenerate as she ages. <tears>

I want to listen to Leah talk about how Corey is getting married to Miranda this weekend and she's happy for him, but I am too distracted by her hair which is like totally inspired by Monster High Dolls. It was like part-Kate Gosselin side-mullet and part WV real mullet, but purple and white and black. Don't go to the beauty school on freebie day, Leah. Anyway, yeah Corey is getting married, Leah has a new baby, and all is well with the world. Except Leah's hair. 

Chelsea Houska has officially dropped out of beauty school and decided to pursue aesthetics instead. She's still having Adam issues, because Adam is a problem. He's on his zillionth arrest and is also about to have a new baby with his new girlfriend, but Chelsea is concerned about how this is going to affect Aubree. Especially considering Adam is scarcely involved in her life as it is. It's hard to fit in parenting between jail stints. 

Randy remains awesome and is like duh… you'll be stuck with Adam forever, so be the mature one. Chelsea worries about how to tell Aubree about having a new little sister. Since Adam has "graduated" from jail again, they're going to meet to discuss his relationship with Aubree. All signs point to this going terribly. 

Later Chelsea talks to her friend Megan about Adam and the new baby. Chelsea and Megan look identical: same hair color and same penchant for Wet-N-Wild makeup abuse. I'm having trouble telling them apart. They need name tags: "Hi My Name Is… The Real Teen Mom" and "Hi My Name Is… Reality TV Imposter." 

Kailyn Lowry is pregnant and married. She and Javi have a baby shower and Kail has stapled the entire Michael's Faux Flower selection onto the front of her head. She seems happy-ish for Kail, but you know she's still all Kail-ish which means sulking about everything and going around with poop in her pants. She and Jo are still arguing over custody. Kail wants to move to Delaware to be on base with Javi, but Jo is refusing to agree to the relocation because he'll be three hours a way from Isaac

Kail is also frustrated because on the one day per week she has to bring Isaac to Jo's she has to do so after working all day. Kail is working as a dental assistant so at least she got some sort of education. <slow claps>. She and Jo argue on the front porch because he doesn't want to let the sulking skunk into his living room. While she's holding Isaac, Kail complains that Jo is making this all about him when naturally it should be about her. Jo wants to make sure the relationship he has with his son doesn't suffer. They're headed to court where a judge will decide. 

Jenelle, Jace, and Babs take a family vaycay to the abortion clinic. Role model!! Before they go Babs tries to instill some sense into Jenelle by talking to her about making better choices. I think the cat absorbed more information. Babs tells Jenelle she needs to get on birth control since that's a lot cheaper than an abortion. Jenelle complains that she didn't have any money for birth control because heroin is expensive and that was like consuming all her money. She had money for a boob job. And an iPhone. And Tiffany jewelry. And acrylic nails. And heroin. But not money for FREE CONDOMS at the Planned Parenthood. #Priorities. 

Over at Leah's her girls are rocking their WV accent and I feel a small surge of pride. I love my state even if Leah's hair is making it look bad. Corey comes over to pick them up. They have a super awkward conversation about how everything worked out for the best. Or at least that's how Corey seems to feel. Leah meanwhile is reiterating over and over again that they could have tried harder to make their marriage work. Or maybe she could have tried harder to not cheat…

Corey is like um… yeah… nope – dodged this bullet, because Miranda is so super cute and very sweet and does not have tri-colored Crayola hair. Leah keeps trying to pretend like she only wants what's best for the girls. Corey just wants to get out of there – and quick! 

Later Jeremy and Leah go out on a date to celebrate their almost two year anniversary. They seem happy together, but Leah is still talking about Corey. Jeremy is relieved that Corey got married. Luckily they also discuss the accomplishments they've made as a family. And the twins do seem very happy and well-adjusted. I have to say for all Leah's nonsense, she and Corey co-parent remarkably well and have chosen step-parents that are really good for their daughters. 

Not co-parenting well are Chelsea and Adam. When Adam arrives for dinner Chelsea has already ordered a glass of wine – girl I feel you. Immediately things go badly. He again swears he's taking her to court and then starts accusing her of keeping him away from Aubree. Chelsea reminds him alcohol and jail have actually been keeping him away from his daughter! He calls her a "dumbass" and starts ranting about how he's made "mistakes" and she should forgive him. I am totally on Chelsea's side – he has not changed and does not seem invested in having a relationship with Aubree. Then he storms out. Was he driving?! Is that even legal?


Jenelle and Babs' trip to the abortion clinic necessitates an overnight stay in a hotel. Vacation! Babs makes Jenelle sleep on the hotel sofa which doesn't even have a pull out bed. I love you, Babs. Jace seems to be reading Jenelle's mind because all the sudden he keeps repeating the word "f–k" over and over again. Babs is worried he'll say that at daycare. Why is he in daycare when Jobless Jenelle is sitting at Babs' house all day doing nothing? She can't watch him… oh wait. No, she can't. 

Jenelle, naturally blames Barbara for Jace's foul mouth. They return from the clinic and Jenelle is complaining about how she had to go through that and has to take more pills and her life is sooooo terrible and hard. Then Jace starts cussing again. Jenelle tries to shove a bar of soap in his mouth to make him stop. 

Jenelle complains about how she needs a break from Babs and Jace. <side eye> Babs is offended and they start to argue. It emerges that it was actually Babs that paid for Jenelle's abortion. Jenelle screams at her mother to stop bitching at her and then gets on her iPhone while Babs helps Jace get something to eat. About the only change in Babs and Jenelle is that Babs is rocking some serious eyeshadow. Someone's been talking to Chelsea

F–k indeed. 

[Photo Credits: MTV]


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