This weekend Alexis Bellino renewed her vows to Jim Bellino in an over-the-top wedding that wasn’t a wedding on David Tutera‘s CELEBrations. And I can see why all of Alexis’ Real Housewives of Orange County castmates couldn’t stand her because Alexis needs sedatives – or some sort of psychiatric drugs. She constantly throws tantrums and is mega attention seeking!
Alexis wants David at her beck and call and treats him like ‘the help’. Two queens don’t make a right! To add to the drama, David is also in the middle of planning his daughter Cielo’s first birthday party and is strapped for time.
Jim surprised Alexis with the concept of a ten-year anniversary renewal by hiring poor to David show up at their house unannounced while Alexis was ‘reading’ the Bible (translation: looking at a children’s picture book version of a Bible while wearing knock-off Chanel). Jim’s surprise gift is that he wants the party to be in a week and he wants something classy and elegant – the irony of classy and elegant being used to describe anything related to Alexis does not escape me. Or David, who smirks at the correlation.
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Alexis, on the other hand, wants a beach party! No a masquerade ball! No something different – and she wants to wear red. And she wants to be in a horse drawn carriage! And she wants perfection that she doesn’t trust to David because she’s such an exemplary event planner. Remember “glamping“? Alexis compares David to her therapist – the therapist who is clearly not working – and complains that no one listens to her ideas.
David grabs the bedazzled tranquilizer gun he keeps handy for “rich and useless” Housewives (that’s how he described Alexis) and temporarily subdues her while he makes his escape. The next day they meet at Michael Costello‘s showroom so Alexis can get a gown. Does Michael have a deal to work exclusively for reality TV stars?
Alexis is adamant that she wants a second dress for her reception, because she is 37 and it is her right to show off the goods a few more times before she’s 40 and because it’s HER DAY. David keeps reminding her this is NOT A WEDDING – it’s a vow renewal party – and she’s a grown woman who doesn’t need to turn this into a fashion show. Why oh why wasn’t Alexis Couture not making her dress?! Hello…
Alexis clearly thinks this is her wedding and therefore her special day round 2 as she describes herself as the “Bridezilla from heck!” Not a wedding David rebuts, also shooting down the idea of a second dress. Alexis begins her first tantrum of the experience and argues, whines, and berates David who stands firm and shoves her in a series of red dresses she hates all of. She wants a custom-made gown from Michael but only has a week. Michael leaves the room to laugh, and David mistakenly compares Alexis “Jesus Barbie Boobs” Bellino to “Jessica Rabbit” which makes her explode. She wants classy!!! Then get those mega implants out. Also her hair, which is now tw0-toned, looks like a bad highlight experiment.
David leaves for another appointment and tells Alexis he’ll be choosing the dress because his events mean he is in charge. Alexis is furious.
Over the next few days Alexis has been up all night worrying about “her” day and complains that she is doing all the planning while David ignores her. She demands he meet her at Jim’s Tramboobily Bouncing For Jesus Trampoline park. Where she freaks out and threatens to not show up if David and Jim don’t start doing what she wants. Then she storms out. Why is this woman not on medication? I feel like she needs a medical marijuana card or something. I couldn’t’ decide if she was faking the tantrums for dramatic effect or she really is a totally self-absorbed nightmare mess.
On the day of the renewal everything looks gorgeous except for Alexis, who is in the hotel room throwing one hissy fit after another about David being absent and uninvolved and how Alexis hasn’t seen her gown. Apparently the gown is the most important thing in the world to Alexis, not pledging her love and allegiance to Jim.
When David finally shows up with the dress – the Jessica Rabbit gown – Alexis has an epic meltdown and burst into hysterical tears in the bathroom. She refuses to walk down the aisle or go through with the ceremony unless he has a different dress. “I would never choose this!” she wails. Alexis would never choose something skin-tight, tacky, with a plunging keyhole neckline that shows her boobs off?! Okay then… Then Alexis’ nail breaks.
David’s assistants are on a mad-dash to procure more dress options even though the ceremony is already running uber late. They rush into a nearby mall and grab everything red they can find and one hot pink option. When they return – 90 minutes after the ceremony was due to begin – Alexis chooses the hot pink number and squeals with happiness. Then she dashes off to the horse drawn carriage. Her hair looks like a birds nest – a two-toned birds nest. And since Alexis was supposed to be wearing aubergine her new hot pink dress visibly clashes with the renewal color scheme. Karma is a bitch!
After the ceremony it’s party time – everything looks fabulous. The guests are all in white, to match the stunning room done up in muted colors and crystals. Alexis ditches Jim to do the toast alone and decides she needs to do a second dress reveal. In secret Alexis dashes – seriously sprints – back to the hotel room to frantically change into… THE JESSICA RABBIT GOWN! It’s a little better fitted around Alexis’ “Big Girls” but it’s ridiculous.
Alexis twerks out onto to the dance floor in the new dress bellowing, “Oh yeaaaaaah bay-beeee! Saved the best for last. Saved the. best. for last!” as Jim looks on speechless. Alexis brags that Jim told her she “took his breath away” but I think he meant in a what the hell, this is embarrassing way. Alexis is thrilled as she was the center of attention and got to burst out onto the scene to show off the goods. As the reception carried on with Alexis in the dress she hated one hour before she is ecstatic. David wonders if Alexis “took a pill” while she was upstairs changing.
Grateful that it is over David dashes off to finish planning his daughter’s 1st birthday which is gorgeous!
[Photo Credits: Instagram & WeTV]
TELL US – WAS ALEXIS ACTING LIKE A BRIDEZILLA ON PURPOSE OR IS SHE REALLY A NIGHTMARE FROM HECK?!