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I don’t know if I can recall in the history of housewives a franchise that has so many cast members referring to themselves in the third person. This trend must be part of some Potomac etiquette that normal folks like you and me are not privy to, so I spent the entire episode of The Real Housewives of Potomac feeling like I was recapping the lives of twelve housewives instead of six. Throw in the fact that they have alter egos and nicknames for their husbands and it gets more complicated than figuring out the state of Robyn Dixon’s marriage/not marriage.

Front and center on the third person train is our newest housewife, the poor little rich girl that is Monique Samuels. She has FOUR HOUSES and will never let an opportunity to tell you about it slip by, but she can’t understand why she is always so misunderstood by other women about what her intentions are. Is it that they are jealous? Or maybe they just can’t even understand how complex her life is and how someone so rich could still manage to fold underwear so big. It is true that she is an interesting addition to the group – the rap school dropout turned wifey to some guy who used to play some sport really well.

But there is one person out there that is less than impressed with what Monique has to offer and we all know who that is: Gizelle Bryant, Queen of The Third Person. While I do think Gizelle could stand to sound a little less petty here, I don’t think she’s entirely off on her initial assessment of Monique – bragging is annoying, especially when it’s wrapped up in a bow of self-pity for not being understood.

Aside from her impending beef with Monique, Gizelle’s busy with her mom in town and her new romance with Kevin, a guy I have definitely seen on reality TV before but cannot place where. Because Gizelle has been friends with Kevin for so long, her mother already knows him and they happen to have a very warm relationship, which Gizelle questions many times as being possibly too warm. Ew? Mom describes Kevin as being quality, substance, and exactly what Gizelle needs.

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Indeed, when they go over to his house later, he takes care of them both like a quality man would, pulling out all the stops from homemade food to gifts from Tom Ford. Gizelle can’t even hide how impressed she is and can barely contain herself when her mother asks Kevin what his intentions are and he answers with this little doozy: “I have to know your life before I make you my wife.” He is really laying it on thick here and while I know you can’t punish a man for being too good, Gizelle should be looking for hidden panties in his bedroom – this guy is smooth to say the least.

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Karen Huger and her husband, who shall forever be known as The Black Bill Gates, head out to a nice dinner. Karen is so hungry she could eat a horse so I was surprised to see they weren’t dining at Oz but maybe the Australian rugby team was in town and it was all booked up for the night. As Karen continues to nitpick and complain about the lack of suitable housing she has seen in their search to downsize, the BBG listens patiently, like the complacent husband that he is. We learn a lot about Karen this dinner – she has a son from her first marriage and the BBG raised him when he married Karen. We are also treated to a flash back picture of Karen, with 80s hair and color block skirt suit, befitting an interview to host a daytime talk show a la Sally Jesse Raphael. But in current day Potomac, this Grande Dame is just looking to continue living her dream in the lap of luxury, complete with circular driveways and houses that don’t have bathrooms anywhere near her dining room. Is that too much to ask?

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Speaking of her son, Karen meets him out for lunch after two months of not seeing him, despite the fact that he only lives 20 minutes away. As she peppers him with questions like, where has he been, why doesn’t he see her or call her more, is he dating someone, you can see Brandon making a mental note to move further away in the very near future. Even more so when she tells him, a grown man, that he can “eat off mommy’s plate” when the food comes. As if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, she quickly switches from over coddling him to complain about the restaurants lack of service because she has to pour her own water from the bottle left on the table into her glass. For someone who is so into the high life, you would think the Queen of Sheba would know that a place that serves fish and chips probably isn’t at your beck and call to pour your tap water for you.

Charrisse Jackson-Jordan is taking a break from building her champagne room to plan her daughter Skylar’s sweet sixteen party. She crows that Skylar will get only the best! But apparently that means and DJ and photo booth, so basically, Skylar is being treated to her first wedding. Ashley Darby has graciously offered to cater the event because what teenagers really want these days is to try vegemite by the time they leave for college.

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Ashley Darby and Monique have come by Charrisse’s house to sip champagne (outside of the champagne room) and discuss what grown women talk about – the pull out method of birth control, which Ashley claims works 100% of the time. Charrisse equates a man having to pull out to attending a surprise party and finding out it’s not for you. Charrisse should add “get better at analogies” to her list of Cha Cha’s self-improvements because that makes no sense. If it’s a surprise party, you wouldn’t be anticipating it’s for you and therefore, wouldn’t have to be disappointed when you show up and it’s for someone else.

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As the champagne continues to flow and so does the conversation, Ashley reveals to Monique that Gizelle had some not so nice thoughts on her from their first meeting. Namely, that Gizelle thinks Miss Mo is bragging when she talks about her FOUR HOUSES. Monique Samuels is shocked, not understanding how that is bragging because after all, it is her life. Did she mention it’s hard to be her? Look, like anyone else watching, it’s hard to feel sorry for someone if this is their biggest problem. Especially when they come in with their materialistic guns blazing and then get called out for it. Monique swears she doesn’t brag because material things are nice to have but they don’t mean anything. So you don’t need that $5M house you just toured then?

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The night of Skylar’s party arrives and Charrisse is in her element, dancing with the kids and refusing the bacon wrapped wallaby skewers that Ashley’s catering staff from Oz is passing out. The food is a flop, along with Ashley’s attempt to meet Charrisse’s soon-to-be ex-husband, Eddie, who has shown up, but refuses to talk or acknowledge Charrisse. It’s clearly an uncomfortable situation, which Ashley can’t seem to understand because she is too high off blooming onions. She tries in vain to meet the elusive Eddie, the Big Foot of Potomac, but Charrisse steers her away to the dance floor before she can make a kangaroo’s ass out of herself. Clearly I’m enjoying Ashley’s Aussie restaurant story line for the simple fact of cramming as many outback jokes as I can into one recap. I hope Oz never closes!

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Moving on, Ashley invites the ladies to a night out a hookah bar and Monique comes prepared with multiple bottles of alcohol, plus a grab bag of cigars. Poor Robyn shows up with half a bottle of Ciroc but luckily, the attention doesn’t stay on her long because Miss Mo is already NOT bragging about how much her bottles of wine area and how well she knows Barack and Michelle (no last name needed, because they are THAT cool with the family). Apparently, they just LOVE her husband! Charrisse tries to keep up, claiming Skylar is friends with one of the first daughters, but she is drowned out by Ashley blabbering on about how she didn’t get to meet Eddie at the sweet sixteen party. This opens up questions from the other ladies and Charrisse starts issuing stern warnings in different accents, like when she gets really annoyed, she has to morph into a person from another country? Is the English accent Cha Cha’s or is that someone else entirely? Why are there so many personalities going on with these women??? Charrisse runs out of accents and decorum because she then treats us to the fact that she’s been celibate for a year and back in high school, she fell off a moped and had a “tutu” accident that she used as an excuse to not have sex for the entirety of high school. I wish I had used that excuse to get out of writing this recap right about now.

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Thankfully, Gizelle decides to save us all and go in hard on Monique, by saying she knows she loves talking about herself. Monique, holding her cigar like a cigarette, tries to defend herself by claiming Gizelle is the only one who has been standoffish with her. They argue over the details of who said what at high tea but I wish they would just get down to the fact that Gizelle is shady and hasn’t warmed up to Monique and her FOUR HOUSES. It’s really not that deep. Karen tries to mediate (unsuccessfully) but I have to give this one to Gizelle – Monique might have held her own but clearly, her self-important feathers are ruffled.

TELL US – IS GIZELLE BEING HARSH WITH MONIQUE? WHO IS ANNOYING YOU THE MOST SO FAR THIS SEASON?

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