One of the biggest and most anticipated season premieres is happening tonight, folks. If you can stand the gratuitous violence and confusing story line, then I would be talking about Game of Thrones. If you can stand the gratuitous ridiculousness and idiotic story line, I’m talking about Shahs of Sunset. SOS isn’t totally devoid of violence either, thanks to Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi and her face clawing ways, you just won’t have to endure quite as much of it since she has apparently learned to meditate this season.
But before we delve into the abyss of GG’s tragic life, we have to drop in on everyone’s favorite sloppy soulmates, Mercedes “MJ” Javid and fiancé Tommy Feight. Yes, they are still together and yes, still engaged. In fact, they have even moved in together and I’m assuming that happened yesterday, by the looks of it. There are boxes, lucite stripper heels and empty bottles of vodka strewn about as MJ’s dog is busy licking the wrapper of a cheese and crackers packet that is discarded on the couch. MJ kicks her dirty feet up and we learn that a filthy apartment isn’t the scariest part of this living situation –it’s the fact that her mother Vida lives in the same complex. As in, she can look down from her tower of misery and see MJ’s place.
Vida comes down to critique the fact that they don’t have a coffee table, amongst other things. There is a sewer rat likely sharing their bed and this woman is worried about a coffee table? Obviously, Tommy is as baffled as you and me and he immediately yells at her for worrying about something so pointless when she knows MJ is upset about her dad being in the hospital. They scream at each other while MJ tries to mediate, resulting in Tommy apologizing and Vida stomping off, saying his mom is a whore.
Since Mike Shouhed is officially kicked to the curb by ex-wife Jessica Parido, he has moved out of his marital trailer and into…..1976? That’s the only thing I can surmise, considering the red rugs and yellow velveteen couches. Ahhhh yes, Reza Farahan, King of Tacky Décor, helped him decorate. Oh, and it costs a fortune for his place to look like a vintage porno set. But Mike wants everyone to see he’s doing OK, life moves on and people buy ugly couches. What better way to show his friends that than to have a housewarming party?
Speaking of Reza, he’s dressed up as the Pink Panther to meet Asa Soltan Rahmati, who doesn’t even sit down before pulling her kaftan tight to announce she is 21 weeks pregnant. Reza, despite seeing her multiple times a week for months now, didn’t have any idea. Or if he did, he played surprised really well. Plus, he argues, how would he know when she’s always dressed in a kaftan and she loves to eat?
Time to talk about the dumpster fire that is GG and her life. But GG is determined to project tranquility with a new statement tank top and meditation class, which she attends with her friend, Tara. If you think Tara looks familiar, you are just like me: watching too much Bravo. Tara was on Newlyweds: The First Year and you might remember her as the Persian Princess who made her new husband turn the car around on the way to their expensive Italian honeymoon, all because she decided she was now too scared to fly. AND HE DID IT. Anyway, clearly there are no better people in this world to need a meditation class than these two.
The meditation teacher says the theme of tonight is forgiveness and it resonates with GG, who has disconnected from the group for the last 6 months. According to GG, some people are told not to touch fire and they never touch it but nope, not GG. She is the type of person who likes to jump in
burning herself and everything else to the ground. I wouldn’t equate GG to someone who likes to play with fire, but more someone who likes to drink a lot of booze and black out or unleash her rich girl rage onto anyone who happens to be around.
But just in case you didn’t think GG was serious about being a better person, she reveals that she was in rehab, where she learned all kinds of things to cope, like meditation, tai chi, yoga and other things to keep her healthy and happy. Said rehab didn’t extend to coping techniques like quitting drinking and smoking, but hey, it was just rehab, not a house of miracles.
As GG lays in class and reflects, people start crying out, seemingly tortured by the demons of their privileged lifestyles (I’m just taking a guess here). At the end of class, GG then writes down who she wants to forgive on a piece of paper, burns it off to the universe and then probably goes for a drink. Again, just a guess.
Asa gets a sonogram with her mom and makes sure the doctor knows she doesn’t want a flu shot because the baby shouldn’t be exposed to any toxins. I guess Asa thinks her baby will be protected from any diseases by swigging diamond water? Oh and the baby will be vegan because in Asa’s world, elephants and gorillas are and they are the strongest species and they only eat plants. Good luck with breastfeeding when you’re surviving off a pistachio and cashew milk, Asa.
Remember Shervin Roohparvar? Yeah, I barely do either but he’s back for another season and another reason to make me yawn. He’s hosting a Bro-B-Q at his house and in case you didn’t put that little clever play on words together, it means a BBQ with only your bros. Shervin is still dating the Aussie he almost blew his chances with, Annalise, but I guess there isn’t much competition Down Under. She’s flying in tomorrow but until then, Shervin just wants to drink out of red solo cups around a patio table of baby carrots on a paper plate with his bros, like all guys do. Mike and Reza show up and Mike reveals that he planned on inviting GG to his housewarming party because she is changed for the better. Reza still hasn’t forgiven her for spreading a lie about him having a sex tape and Mike, always a sucker to Reza, vows not to invite her just as quickly as he mentioned he would.
Because MJ and Reza have nothing better to do and they are always looking to disgust viewers, we now have to watch them go and get their b holes waxed and bleached. You will have to excuse me while I go and ponder how I ended up here, watching two overgrown children with money get their butts detailed. Sign me up for that scream meditation class!
Mike’s homecoming party has arrived and the party planner he hired is another familiar face. It’s Destiney from the People’s Couch. Jeez, SOS’s casting people are getting so lazy. Anyway, I guess Destiney doesn’t just yell at her TV for a living and she pulls out all the stops a high end party planner would – balloons and sexy girls dressed in lingerie with lamp shades over their heads.
The guests arrive and MJ, clad in her nude cut out jumpsuit, dry humps the couch and Mike’s bed. Since she hasn’t spoken to Asa since the last season wrapped, there is immediate tension between the two once Asa arrives. But Asa has more important things to worry about, like pulling open her kaftan/robe thing to announce her pregnancy. She awkwardly rubs and shows it off, while MJ tries to keep her eyes in her head and her nipples in her jumpsuit. Eventually, she recovers enough to give Asa a blessing and a forced hug, but when Asa turns the tables on all her questions about Asa’s relationship, MJ quickly hobbles off to the bar to slam drinks and cry into a watermelon slice. Mike follows her to tell her she can’t put her life on hold for her father, then he lovingly wipes her tears while a lamp shaded woman stands a mere foot away, not moving.
Asa makes her rounds, forcing more hands on her belly and balancing a plate of food and her glee of pregnancy. MJ pounds shots and tries to keep it together until Reza finally drags her outside to leave. She admits she wants a baby too but she isn’t ready. Reza admits Adam has been pressuring him for a baby as well and he’s not ready either. Back inside, the party rages on as Mike toasts to new beginnings and gets a lamp dance. Get it? It’s a lap dance, by a lamp. Ok I’ll stop now. See you next week!
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Photo Credit: Bravo TV