Is it just plain naive to think that one couple on the train wreck of 90 Day Fiance could really, truly make it? Because I want that for Evelyn and David, young lovebirds who seem smitten with one another, are (somewhat) age-appropriately matched, and who share core values. Alas, the TLC machine might chew them up and spit them out by the end of season five, but until then, let’s pretend they are the real deal, okay? We need this!
In addition to Evelyn and David being introduced this week, we revisit the absolute sh*tshow of everyone else’s relationships. Nicole
holds her daughter hostage goes to Morocco to further torture Azan, the other David (in Thailand) tries in vain to come up with enough scratch to pay for his bride, Annie. And Molly continues to delude herself into thinking that her much-younger fiance, Luis, is the love of her life – despite her eldest daughter’s protestations, not to mention her father’s warnings.
In Florida, Nicole is waking her 2 1/2-year old daughter, May, up for their flight to Morocco. Azan hasn’t been picking up Nicole’s calls lately, so she’s scared his feelings might have cooled. May has never been out of the state, let alone the country, and Nicole sees this trip as an opportunity to show what a grown up, responsible mother she is! As evidence of this, Nicole screams at her mother for forgetting May’s diapers, then complains that packing for a child is too haaaaarrrrrd! on the way to the airport.
Nicole’s mom looks ready to drop Nicole at the local psych ward, get temporary guardianship of May, and drive home. (And I fully support this plan – in fact, can we start a petition?!) But instead, she reminds Nicole that she needs to GROW THE EFF UP and be ready to take care of that precious little girl for the next two months in a foreign country!
“Mom, I’m her mom,” whines the ever-petulant Nicole, who thinks her mother is just overly-dramatic. This is rich coming from a girl who slams her boyfriend against vans if he doesn’t let her grope him in the streets. Nicole’s mom also wonders if Azan will be less than jazzed to see that Nicole has gained weight, considering she promised that she’d be “healthier” by the next time she saw him? Oh, damn. Azan’s initial comment that “she’s big a little bit” might be amended to “a lot a bit” soon. (Also, did anyone send word to that camel that Nicole is on her way back to his neck of the woods?) Yikes.
At the airport, Nicole’s mom sobs as she waves goodbye to May, feeling like her heart is being ripped from her chest. My god, this is actually brutal to watch as a viewer! I cannot imagine the horror this woman is feeling. Though she must ask herself daily how she raised this immature woman-child, and what can she do now to fix what’s obviously broken in Nicole? It’s just too pathetic and tragic. “I’ve just got a bad feeling about this,” she says through tears. “I’m a little bit scared.” We are too, mama. We are too.
In Connecticut, we meet 18-year old Evelyn, her parents, and her younger brother, Solomon, devout Christians who perform in a band together. Alrighty, then! Evelyn loves her family and her music, describing herself as a singer/songwriter who’s striking out on her own as a musician. Though she gets a lot of male attention on social media, she was never really interested until David came along. “It changed my life forever,” Evelyn says of meeting David online.
Twenty-seven year old David, who lives in Grenada, Spain, shares Evelyn’s conservative religious values, agreeing to wait until marriage to sleep together. He proposed to her on a trip Evelyn took to Spain, much to the shock of Evelyn’s family. But she claims it was love at first sight, and that David – the first man she’s ever said “I love you” to – is the one.
If his K-1 Visa is approved, David will come to the U.S. soon to begin the 90-day process. While in CT, he’ll be living with Evelyn’s pastor – a situation he seems strangely fine with. (!?!?!) Evelyn’s parents are happy about their daughter finding the spouse they “prayed for,” but are weirdly more concerned that he’s not musical. How is he supposed to join the family band? they wonder. Even Solomon is freaked out. It comes down to this: If Evelyn leaves the band, they’re all essentially screwed. Thus, David is the Yoko Ono of this here quartet.
In Georgia, Molly meets her mother, Becky, for lunch to discuss her engagement to 26-year old Luis. Molly eldest daughter, Olivia, is not on board with the situation, so Molly wants to get mom on her side. But she doesn’t have to do much prodding; Becky is already 100% supportive, even though her daughter is moving a bit too fast. Ultimately, she supports Molly and wants her to be happy, but wonders how Luis will fit into their lives. She also understands Olivia’s reservations about “sharing” her mom with a virtual stranger. It’s only natural.
Unlike Becky, Molly’s father is on #TeamOlivia. He thinks Luis is using Molly for a green card, plain and simple. Becky doesn’t think Luis’s intentions are bad, and furthermore thinks Molly’s father is a bigot who doesn’t want his daughter marrying someone from a different race/culture. Or…maybe he’s just a rational father who’s freaked out by a 26-year old bartender marrying his middle-aged daughter after only knowing her for TWO MONTHS? Just a thought.
Press pause on Molly’s mess, because we must move on to the next dumpster fire at hand! In Thailand, David takes Annie on a boat ride to go shop for gold. Buying gold for one’s future bride is a significant part of the engagement in Annie’s culture, as it signifies that the groom can “provide.” But wait – we already know that David can’t even afford $1,500 for the bargain-basement dowry that might be required of him, so I assume a robbery is about to take place at this store, no…? Call the Thai po-po! (Or David’s friend, Chris, who apparently funds his sad little life.)
At the jewelry shop, David pretends like he can afford 11 Baht (approximately $6,800) worth of gold bracelets and rings and necklaces before turning to Annie and stupidly complaining, “Wow, that’s a lot!” Annie’s face says, I will marry someone in the bar next door in less than sixty seconds if you can’t come up with this cash, old foreigner! But she doesn’t scream at him in public (yet), instead agreeing to accept a smaller gift now, and “build” to a bigger amount of gold later. Um, if later means NEVER, then okay – good plan!
“I just hope my parents are okay with this,” Annie warns. What she doesn’t know is that David can barely afford a new shirt on clearance at Kohl’s, let alone almost $7K of gold jewelry. Sigh. Looks like he’ll be sending up the Baht Signal for Chris to help out again STAT.
On the boat ride home, Annie really lets him have it, though. She’s all, Why are you so OLD, yet have NO money?! David just complains about his past woes, his divorce, yadda, yadda, yadda. But Annie is not interested in these excuses. “You think most Americans have money. That’s not true!” defends David, who may want to rethink his approach here. Annie is not interested in your broke Kentucky a$$, dude. But she’s willing to hang in there for now, it seems. Oh, lord. To predict exactly how this situation will play out, please see Anfisa and Jorge, season 4. These two are destined for a similar fate (hopefully without keyed cars and physical assaults and porn – allegedly).
But let’s leave Depressing David in Thailand for now. While the younger David is getting ready for his K-1 Visa interview in Spain, Evelyn meets her friend, Mikayla, for coffee. Evelyn says she’s known Mikayla “since high school,” which means since, like, yesterday? We are dealing with 18-year olds here. Mikayla is the type of friend everyone on 90 Day Fiance needs in their lives, but also the kind none of them will listen to. Bottom line: She thinks Evelyn is INSANE for rushing into marriage with a man from across the planet, and she wonders how the hell they plan to live together if David can’t even work when he gets here?
But Evelyn just writes off Mikayla as a person who “hasn’t liked any of her boyfriends,” i.e.: a hater. “All we need is love,” dreamily sighs young, sweet, short-sighted Evelyn. “I’m sorry, but you can’t live on love,” snarks Mikayla, who wants her friend to be happy, but maybe not marry a man she only spent two weeks with. Mikayla wonders why they just can’t wait another few years to commit to marriage. After all, he’s older than Evelyn and probably feels ready. Evelyn is only 18, but says her family is supportive of getting married young. So, Evelyn’s like, BYE MIKAYLA! Go fall in love
with some random online stalker, yourself!
OMG, you guys, breaking news – Nicole has survived the flight to Morocco! And thank the heavens, so has poor little May. Nicole is ready to run into Azan’s arms again, but so far, she can’t even get a hold of him. Oh wait – he’s there after all! And he has glasses. His marching orders are clear: Treat Nicole well, as she’s explicitly instructed, or else. The underwhelmed Azan seems ready to complete his mission, despite seeing Nicole’s noticeably, um, unhealthier frame.
Azan’s real joy comes from greeting May, who dutifully calls him “daddy” right away. This is so many levels of wrong, we don’t even have time to go into it here, but I will just say this to Nicole for training her 2-year old to call someone “daddy” as a manipulation tool: You, my dear, are an idiot. And while I’m at it, so are you, Azan, for being complicit in this dysfunctional dynamic. SLOW YOUR ROLL, PEOPLE! Give the kid a fighting chance at adjusting properly.
But the real child here is Nicole, lest we forget. To this point, she actually gets jealous that Azan is showing May – the 2-year old who has been ripped from her home and family – more affection than her at the airport. And the fact that she openly admits this leaves me speechless. Okay, I just need to walk away from my laptop for a sec to do some deep breathing…
Alright. I’m back! But seriously, you guys, are we supposed to watch this nightmare and not want to jump through our TV screens to SAVE THIS CHILD? I can hardly take it!!! Please let Nicole’s workout at the gym next week demoralize her so badly that she books the next flight home. This sh*t is too much to emotionally handle.
Next, we get a break from Morocco as cameras watch Evelyn waiting in CT for news from David. Will his visa be approved? Will they have to wait another several months? Evelyn’s mom, Jacalyn, is shocked to hear that statistically, 7 out of 10 people applying for K-1 Visas are committing fraud, so the process could be stalled due to meticulous paperwork rules.
Hey, Jacalyn! Maybe you should take a peek at 90DF seasons 1-4, plus the after-shows, plus Before the 90 Days, then get back to us again about that strange feeling of “shock” you’re experiencing. Or better yet, google “Danielle Mullins” plus “YOU FRAUDED ME!” Then back very far away from your screen to behold the amazing spectacle before you. You’re welcome. 🙂
Suddenly, David calls Evelyn to tell her the good news. “Baby, I have the visa!” he cheers. He’ll be coming to the U.S. in fourteen days. Evelyn and Jacalyn are thrilled – even if Mikayla is not.
Someone else who isn’t thrilled about forthcoming engagements is Molly’s father, Phillip. Molly’s brother, Jess, has been brought along for moral support, and for his amazing cowboy hat and Weird Al Yankovic attire. Jess also lives with Molly and likes to say rock and roll! a lot. He is, apparently, tonight’s voice of reason.
When the group sits down to dinner, Phillip gets right to the point. He doesn’t like the idea of Luis coming to swindle his daughter into marriage, nor does he think Luis needs to be sleeping in Molly’s bed with her daughters living in the house. “Other than you, what other reason does he want to come here for?” asks Phillip, who thinks men from the DR may be using marriage as a pathway to legal U.S. citizenship, rather than a path to true love.
Molly doesn’t agree, reminding her father that it’s tough to get a K-1 Visa, so it’s no cake walk for either of them. Phillip wants Molly to be happy, and concedes that she’ll marry Luis no matter what anyone says – but he does predict more therapy in Molly’s future, so she better start researching new counselors now! Because this situation has sketchy written ALL over it.
TELL US: IS EVELYN TOO YOUNG TO MARRY DAVID, OR DO THEY HAVE A FIGHTING CHANCE? IS MOLLY DELUDING HERSELF ABOUT LUIS? WILL ANNIE LEAVE DAVID BECAUSE HE’S BROKE? IS NICOLE THE MOST RIDICULOUS HUMAN BEING YOU’VE EVER SEEN (SINCE DANIELLE)?
Photo Credit: TLC