90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

It’s Thanksgiving week, so I think we should all go around the table and give thanks for the blessing of 90 Day Fiance in our lives. I’ll go first: I am thankful for Nicole and Azan’s brutal scene at the gym last night, which inspires me to slow my roll on the gravy Thursday. I’m also thankful that my partner claims he loves me more than 55%, which is apparently the new #RelationshipGoals Azan has outlined. Lastly, I am thankful that we didn’t see too much of Evelyn and David this week, allowing more room for Josh and Aika to introduce themselves a bit more toward the end. A little internet sleuthing will also give you a bit more perspective into Josh and his sordid past – and I highly encourage you all to check out his public arrest record to get to know TLC’s newest criminal suitor (yikes!!!).

Last seen, Luis was asking his fiance’s teenage daughter if she likes to “f**k her boyfriend.” Molly says she’s not okay with this kind of talk, but we’ll see just how deeply that line in the sand is drawn. Annie flies to the U.S. to announce to David’s family that she’s his fiance – because, um, he forgot to do that! But first, we see Andrei arrive on American soil, ready to meet Elizabeth’s family. Who, incidentally, already hate him.

Andddddrrrrrei saunters off the plane excited to see Elizabeth, who he has 90 days to wed. He’s also got 90 days to convince Elizabeth’s family that he’s not the neanderthal she makes him out to be. Except, he kinda is. Knowing Andrei gives zero f**ks about women, men, children, bed frames, luggage, top buttons on polo shirts (you get the drift), Elizabeth is dreading him meeting her father, who is protective of her.

With 45 days to wed, Molly and Luis are halfway to the finish line. But Luis is well past the line of appropriate behavior for a soon-to-be-stepfather. Olivia has known this for some time, but ever since Luis’s “I AM YOUR NEW DADDY!” speech with Kensley, little mama is having none of his creepster vibe either. She doesn’t want Luis near her – in the car, on the swing – anywhere! I know there are some Luis apologists out there (and I get that he’s struggling to learn cultural boundaries), but I’ll just say it: When kids tell the new boyfriend to back off, no matter WHAT the reason, you back the eff off. At worst, alarm bells are sounding and, at best, the kids need adjustment time. In either case, Molly needs to be on high alert.

In Thailand, Annie and David prepare to leave for their long trip to Chris’s home of illicit massages. Annie is over the bachelor/bachelorette party tiff, but she’s heartbroken about leaving her family. They won’t be able to see her get married, and she doesn’t even know when she’ll be back in Thailand, considering David probably sold half her dowry to spring for one-way plane tickets. (Mother Annie: Go count your buffalo, woman!) In tears, Annie thinks about what she’s leaving behind and wonders if it’s worth the jobless, penniless, homeless man she’s about to give it up for. Annie’s father gives David a talisman of good luck to wear just in case. Let’s hope that thing has emergency Baht tucked inside.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

Hot damn, you guys! It’s time. It’s the performance we’ve all been waiting for. No, not Beyonce’s superbowl halftime show, not Lady Gaga Live. It’s Nicole at the gym!!! Yes, Azan has convinced Nicole that she needs to get healthier, and – despite wearing the “bad bra” – she’s agreed to work out with him. Azan hopes Nicole stops being lazy; Nicole says she wants to be healthier for herself too. It will be a long road, but at least she showed up for day one!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

As Azan pushes Nicole through her personal training sesh, Nicole begins rethinking this “new me” journey. Because, like, it involves work! And sweat! And not eating cheese fries! Plus, Azan reminding Nicole to “just breathe!” through every leg press and squat is not doing much to motivate her. He’s trying his best to be positive, but his tone sounds more like me desperately screaming “GO POTTY!” at the dog every morning on our wintry walk. It’s not pretty. Or particularly dignified.

Frustrated, Nicole wonders why Azan wants her to change so badly? If she doesn’t change, he’s even threatened not to come to America. “I don’t want you to be lazy!” he barks. Nicole wonders if he’s even attracted to her? His response, my friends, is as follows (and I quote): “Physically, I am attracted to her, but it’s just like, for example, fifty-five percent.” I guess this is the latest, cooler version of Mohamed’s “Physically, Danielle is acceptable to me” for millennials.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

These sweet nothings whispered in any woman’s ears would bring most couples to death blows, but in Nicole’s case it just makes her more whiny and obnoxious. “But are you attracted to me no matter whaaaaat?” she pleads repeatedly. Azan just defeatedly sighs, “Yeah.” What, I must ask again, is this dude’s long game? Is he really that desperate for a relationship (he doesn’t seem like it)? Is he hoping to transform Nicole from a whiny, lazy pre-pubescent brat into a magically reformed mature spouse? It baffles the mind.

Baffling minds elsewhere, Evelyn and David are apartment hunting. Because nothing says “let’s rent a new place!” like having no jobs or money for wedding cake. David already knows that Evelyn will be choosing the apartment with absolutely no input from him, so why is he even being dragged along? With a budget of $900/month, all David cares about is having a lock on the bathroom door so he can get some peace and quiet.

The first place they look at is a house-apartment that Evelyn calls “vintage” and the rest of us call “total tear down.” David isn’t loving the grandma’s attic vibe of this joint, but Evelyn has already decorated it with family band posters in her mind, so she sulks when David reminds her that it’s out of their budget at $1,200/month. He is not about to be tied down in NH for the long haul in this overpriced rat trap. Evelyn thinks he needs to accept the fact that he’ll be a prisoner resident of Claremont forever, so he better come correct.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

In Tampa, Elizabeth’s been singing Damn! I Feel Like a Woman! in her head on repeat since Andrei arrived. As she and Andrei assemble her bed frame, they talk about the future – and about tonight, when Andrei will meet the family. Elizabeth is afraid of her father, she’s afraid of Andrei, she’s afraid of nude lipstick. But Andrei thinks she just needs to calm the hell down. The fact that Elizabeth’s father is financing their lives at the moment is of no concern to him; he claims to have savings too! Allegedly.

Annie and David finally arrive in U.S., anxious to get home. Except they don’t have a home. So of course, Chris picks them up at the LA airport to show them a magical time before dismal reality sets in. David hasn’t lived in the U.S. for 4 years, so he’ll have to get used to living in the Walmart parking lot there again too. Annie is hesitant to live with Chris and Nikki, especially when she eyes the pool out back where the forced Thai-massaging will take place. But the couple throws them a sweet welcome home party to help them get comfortable – and to drill Annie with 101 questions. When are you getting married? Where? How many kids will you have? Can you make one RIGHT NOW?

David already has adult children, who are closer in age to Annie than David is. <shudder> When David admits that he hasn’t even told his kids about their new stepmom, everyone is shocked. Annie, of course, has no option but to go along with David’s disastrous plan of springing the news on them face to face now. But first, David just hopes that Annie doesn’t think Chris and Nikki’s 5-bedroom LA home is indicative of what’s waiting for her back in KY. In other words, she’d better enjoy the indoor plumbing and central air while she’s got it.

90 Day Fiance Season Five Premiere Recap: Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Back in Morocco, Azan is waking Nicole and May up at 2:45pm! It’s time for a hike. Out in the foothills, Azan hopes Nicole and May will enjoy the outdoor exercise, but Nicole just misses her car and the Wendy’s dollar menu. Azan encourages Nicole ONCE AGAIN to change, as if him saying it over and over will simply make it happen. Like the twit she is, Nicole blames her laziness on May, who keeps her up all night. Azan isn’t buying it.

Now in full tilt whining mode, Nicole complains that she just can’t change overnight! Yes, true, but Azan needs proof of purchase. Nicole just snarks that he’ll have to trust her, period. These are the words of a woman who cheats on him every six months and who still doesn’t know what the produce aisle at the grocery store looks like. Okay.

In GA, Molly and Olivia are having some girl time at the spa. As they get pedis, Olivia complains that her mother’s “new obsession” is taking up all of her time. Everything in their world is all about Luis now, and Olivia feels left behind. When Molly complains that she just wants Olivia to see her happy, Olivia tears up. Of course she wants her mom to be happy! But it shouldn’t be at her children’s expense. “It just doesn’t feel good,” cries Olivia, but Molly, now in tears too, swears it will all turn out okay – and that no one will ever take the place of her daughters. Except a 20-something year old bartender.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

In NH, David and Evelyn have 66 days to wed. But today is David’s lucky day, ya’ll! Because he gets to witness The Evelyn Cormier Band’s very own lead singer, Evelyn Cormier, live in the music studio. David reminds Evelyn that she can record her YouTube music anywhere, but she’s determined to record it in her friend Mike’s homemade studio for life! “We’re just gonna go where God calls us,” chirps Evelyn. “And hopefully it’s here!” Oh, she’s the devil in a red dress, that one. Please, somebody, start the mean-memes of Evelyn now. We need those in our lives.

At the “studio” (which shall remain in ironic quotes), Evelyn breathes heavily into the microphone and distorts her mouth in disturbing shapes. She and “producer” Mike discuss bridges and chords and images…which is perhaps supposed to impress David? David, however, is no fool. He knows about the Interwebs! He’s like, can’t Evelyn just record music in Garage Band and call it a day? No, she cannot! Hmmph! She must live near her “creative faucet,” otherwise known as her family, to achieve this level of orchestral perfection! Again, she is the WORST.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

Ugh, enough of them! Moving on to Josh and Aika, we travel to AZ where Aika is recovering from her forced march to that super sketchy modeling agency. She came to the U.S. to get married and have children, but now Josh is acting like he has no idea about these nefarious plans. At least he takes her ring shopping to replace the ring he originally gave Aika – which was from his ex-wife!!! “Josh recycle it,” comments Aika, who doesn’t want sloppy seconds.

When Aika chooses a $12K 2-karat ring, though, Josh is like “Are you crazy?!” He’s a home theater installer who lives with multiple roommates, not a fancy McDonalds branch manager like Before The 90 Days Larry! Aika is not happy.

Back in GA, Molly takes her mom and Olivia shopping for a wedding dress. It’s her first marriage, so she wants to go all out – and that means a big white dress. Luis is more traditional, so Molly can’t go full Priscilla Queen Of The Desert, but she can at least get a little blinged out. Olivia has come around, feeling happy for her mom for the first time. Until she sees Molly’s first dress – which is in a word, hideous. In fact, the black bra underneath it might be its best feature. Plus the upper arm tattoo.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

When Molly steps out in her second dress, both mom and Olivia agree that it’s “the one.” Squealing, Molly decides this is what she’ll wear on the big day. She isn’t sure about whether her dad will walk her down the aisle, though, which makes her sad. He’s not supportive of her marriage to Luis, so Molly thinks her mom might walk her down the aisle instead. Molly’s mom promises she’ll be there in whatever capacity Molly needs her, tearing up at the request. Aww. I really like Molly. But dang, woman! Get a grip on this boyfriend/daughter situation, STAT.

In a more tense situation farther south, Andrei and Elizabeth are awaiting her dad and brother’s arrival at a restaurant. Andrei has been instructed not to say, “Ugh. Me new man. You old man. I take girl from you to OWN for self now!” Thus, he’s fully prepped. When dad and bro arrive, Andrei chats about his home country of Moldova (for 3 seconds) before they launch into particulars: How will Andrei support Elizabeth? Andrei needs his green card before he can work, so he plans to depend on Elizabeth’s part time salary (that she gets from daddy’s business) until further notice.

When her family hears that Elizabeth would be happy to move to Moldova if Andrei wants her to, they’re shocked. And frankly, so am I. It seems Elizabeth just likes to stir the pot with whomever is questioning her. When Andrei suggested moving to Moldova earlier, she blamed her family for not wanting her to go. Now she’s blaming Andrei for potentially (in theory) taking her away. Hmm. She seems the type who likes men fighting over her – even if two of those men are her brother and dad. It’s whack.

Not happy with the ex-wife’s haunted ring in AZ, Aika sulks at dinner with Josh. “I gave up my life for you, and here I am – with nothing! Sometimes I want to go home,” admits Aika, who thought she was signing up for a more glamorous life. Josh just writes off Aika’s demand for a new ring as unimportant, but he doesn’t quite understand who he’s dealing with. Aika seems like a sweet person, but she also seems like someone who’s honestly laid out what she wants: A husband, baby, and financial security. As for the baby, Josh wants to wait. But Aika is done waiting! She also doesn’t appear to know that Josh has “complications in conceiving.” Um – vasectomy? WTF is he talking about?! Oh Lord, I guess this poor woman will find out soon enough.

In GA, Luis has been given a union-approved break from his houseboy duties. It’s baseball time! Uncle Jess, who’s traded his pretend cowboy hat for a baseball cap, takes Luis to the big boy batting cages to let off some steam. “This is real dude day!” celebrates Jess, who as a reminder, stood idly by while Luis spoke vulgarities to his niece last week. Blech. Jess encourages Luis to keep trying with the girls, that they’ll come around. But if they don’t, Luis says straight up that he’ll just move home again.

Plus, he’s bored as hell hanging around the house on dog-poop duty all day. So, maybe he’ll just have to force Molly to move to the DR with him if things don’t change! Jess seems shocked to hear this, knowing that Molly won’t be doing any such thing. He thinks Luis should maybe talk to Molly about this HUGE DEALBREAKER before they get married. Ya think?!? GAWD.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

We end in Morocco, where our fair couple, Nicole and Azan, are arguing once again. Shocker. Nicole needs to stay in because May is sleeping, but Azan wants to meet his friend in a cafe. Nicole thinks Azan has been going out too much, which shows that she’s not his priority. “I am her for him, and he is going out seeing frieeeeeends,” complains Nicole, who has a point. But the truth is that Azan isn’t ready to be a parent, nor is he keen on hanging out in a reclined position with Nicole until 3pm every day.

Out with his friend, Azan admits he is scared of going to the U.S. with Nicole. Will he find his culture there? Will his culture be disrespected? He’d prefer to stay in Morocco, frankly, and is just agreeing to go to America for Nicole’s sake. Hmm. Maybe he needs to rethink this plan. Because signing on to a lifetime of the care-and-feeding-of-Nicole (while leaving all of his support systems behind) is not something I’d wish on my worst enemy.

Bottom line: These two have 1) nothing in common, 2) no shared values, 3) opposing health & world views, and 4) no physical attraction. So, the question remains: Why the hell are they getting married? Discuss.

TELL US: SHOULD AZAN GO TO AMERICA? DOES AIKA DESERVE A NEW RING? ARE LUIS AND MOLLY HEADED FOR THE ALTAR, OR DISASTER? IS ANNIE IN FOR A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT? WILL EVELYN IMPRISON DAVID IN NH FOREVER?

Photo Credit: TLC

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