90 Day Fiance

Last night we saw the dimmest minuscule smidgeon of a brain cell fire in Nicole’s head. Why? Because she finally got a half-clue about Azan not being the stand up guy she thought he was for the past 3 years. You know – the guy who’s all too happy to sit on his unemployed buttocks all day, renewing his gym membership and going out to midnight coffee bars on Nicole’s Starbucks paycheck? Well, maybe not just on Nicole’s paycheck…because it seems Azan has other fish on his hook. And they might not demand as many french fries or shoulder sniffs as Nicole?

At the beginning of the show, Nicole gets a call mid-interview that alerts her about voicemails leaked online that sound very much like Azan telling someone he wants to kiss them, that “the kiss was good” and “I know you want it.” <dry heave> It’s unmistakably him, except he sounds breathy and gross in some sort of attempt at sexytimes talk. Much like Annie’s “boom boom” sex speech, we can never un-hear this. KILL ME.

No one learned jack squat on last night’s 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After, but that’s the cost of catfishing for spouses online doing business, I guess. We were schooled on a few things, however, such as how ridiculously clueless Nicole’s parents actually think she is, why David was too busy purchasing a wife to make time for his children, and just how many drinks it takes before Pedro starts (almost) throwing punches at The Family Chantel. Basically, this show is the education we never knew we needed. So, let’s toss aside the formalities and head right to dimwit school!

Nicole & Azan

Nicole emerges into daylight – which could really be the entire arc of today’s story for her – to meet with her stepdad and mother, Robbalee. May is happy to see other humans who will actually interact with her, and Nicole’s stepdad is happy to have the opportunity to lay the smack down. He can’t believe how much money Nicole has funneled to Azan in the past few years. “She’s making a bad mistake,” says Captain Obvious. “She’s very ignorant.” Um, yep. Thanks in advance for the title of Nicole’s forthcoming unauthorized biography.

Although the emotional scarring of Annie’s sex speech last week still haunts our nightmares, we shall bravely march forward into the darkness of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After! This week, The Family Chantel plays full court press against Pedro. David and Annie scratch together five whole bucks for food – and on a heavier note, are shocked by the gun accident David’s son, Jacob, experiences.

The travel alert that Nicole will head back to Morocco to human-traffic Azan back to the States has gone from orange to RED. Azan, by the way, is now only attracted to Nicole 25% – as evidenced by the documents he likely faked to prove his K1 visa was “rejected.”  Jorge decides to risk life and limb by moving back into Anfisa’s lair. Molly makes yet another disastrous decision by leaving Kensley in Luis’s care for the weekend, and Paola confesses something to her family that she’s been keeping a secret. But the biggest news of all might be that Annie’s family still expects David will pay them their back-dowry sum of $15k. To that, all I have to say is…BWAHAHAHAHA! 

The things we heard last night on 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After can never be unheard. For example, we now know that David’s large ass prevents him from being quiet during sex. And that Annie likes to turn up the volume in the bedroom partition too.

Did we need to know these horrific details? No. Is it TLC’s job to freaking hardcore-traumatize us every Sunday night now that our favorite garbage pile show is back on the air? Apparently, YES. But um – are you okay? I’m certainly not okay. Let’s just all take a moment to have a group hug before we move on…

TLC has made Sunday nights great again because 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After is finally back in rotation. It’s time to sit in front of our TVs each week for two full hours, openly judging the spectacle of crazy laid lovingly out before us. And I could NOT be more excited. Does it take a genius to put this show together? I’m gonna go with “YES, OBVIOUSLY!” because these producers somehow survive everything from an unhinged Anfisa storming straight at them to practically being machete’d to death in the Amazon – all in the name of delivering stellar content season after delightful season. (Just as a reminder, the regular season of 90 Day Fiance is still on its way for 2018 – this “Happily Ever After” series follows couples we’ve seen before in regular 90DF seasons past).

Last night’s season three premiere caught us up with six Americans and six foreigners who previously shared their doomsday love stories with the world. Some got married after going through the K-1 visa process, some never quite made it to the altar, and others barely stayed married for 48 hours before everything went straight to hell. This season’s nutbag couples are: Chantel & Pedro, Paola & Russ, Molly & Luis, Annie & David, Nicole & Azan and Anfisa & Jorge.

Alright, last night’s episode was a delicious two-hour catastrophe previewing the horror show to come, so let’s get to it! Here’s where we find each couple since they last graced us with their presence.