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Real Housewives of Orange County

I’ll have to admit that I, unlike Slade Smiley, left the O.C. for a while.  Oh, I still watched (like one of Pavlov’s dogs when the first few tings of the theme music begins), but I was indifferent to it.  Lauri Waring was gone.  A once biting but funny Tamra Barney became just down right mean, ladies whose names I can’t even remember (Quinn who?) and women whose faces didn’t move were shuffled in and out, and, well, Slade stayed.  I was tired.  But then something amazing happened in the form of this season.

I’m not going to give all the credit to Dr. and Mrs. Disgustingly Rich and Fabulous but Incredibly Normal Dubrow (aka Heather), although they deserve a bunch.  This season on Real Housewives of Orange County, I’ve got Briana Culberson giving hell to her mom’s love tank and affirmation hoarding beau.  My hilariously crass, semi-trashy, rhinestone-studded Tamra is back with a vengeance, and–even better–she’s friends with a kooky Gretchen Rossi.  Minus a few extras (and even Jesus Barbie brings at least one laugh an episode), the show is actually fun again.  But I digress.  Let’s dish deets on the wedding ceremony of one of my current favorite housewives, Briana.  Okay, so technically she’s the daughter of a housewife, but she’s now more of one than her mom!

Briana and mom Vicki Gunvalson spoke with Star/RadarOnline.com about Briana’s big day…which was a long time coming for Vicki.  Viewers are watching weekly the relationship between Briana and Vicki get increasingly tense after Briana and supposed boyfriend Ryan Culberson drop the bomb that they got hitched in Vegas at a drive-thru wedding chapel.

Vicki tells the magazine, “My anger and my disappointment at what Briana did almost destroyed our relationship.  We didn’t speak for two months. But time heals, and our relationship is stronger than ever.”

Briana agrees, “My mom has been amazing. It’s been really fun planning the wedding with her and just having her by my side.”

The ceremony took place on May 12 at the Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara.  The bride wore a gown of Italian lace and carried a bouquet of roses as the pair read their vows at sunset.  Missing from the guest list?  Vicki’s castmates.  She explains, “[I]t had to be about Briana and Ryan. It is not my party.”

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Us Weekly‘s annual Hot Bodies issue is out on newsstands and just who found themselves the recipient of such title but three of our Housewives friends!

Gretchen, Melissa, and Alexis all got together to talk being hot and how they stay that way while posing as fifties housewives in cute retro swimsuits. All the ladies are in their thirties – and they look phenomenal – photoshop or no!

About her appearance Alexis Bellino, who has admitted to struggling with an eating disorder in the past and has had several surgical enhancements says: “I’m done picking myself apart. Life’s too short to spend another month recovering.” Did I hear this correctly – Jesus Barbie is over plastic surgery?! Well, I guess hell does freeze over.

Alexis also shares that she’s over obsessing about what she eats. “I won’t give up red wine, chocolate, or carbs.” Say whatever you want about ol’ Lex, but she looks fantastic for three kids and eating carbohydrates.

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According to the commentary on the wedding photographer’s site, Vicki Gunvalson is going to have a new grandson to spoil! Rumor has it that Briana is having a boy!

Briana Culberson and her new husband Ryan revealed the happy news to their family and friends during the cake cutting at their wedding reception. Hidden inside their gorgeous cake was colored frosting that would let the guests know the baby’s gender. And, as you can see in the photo below, it was blue!

The photographer writes: “Briana and Ryan cut the cake to find out the gender of their baby! Probably my favorite part of the wedding,” she continues, “BLUE FROSTING! IT’S A BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Congratulations to Briana and Ryan (and grandma Vicki!).

CLICK THE CONTINUE READING BUTTON TO SEE THE CAKE SHOT!

Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was all about the things we do for love. Some women finally change their name after a decade of marriage, some women overlook grifting opportunists because they bring her coffee, and some women… well they’ll just leave their man alone from 10-2 everyday so he can pretend to do stuff. Love is a powerful thing, but equally powerful is denial. I feel like Heather Dubrow needs to start teaching a class about how to have an adult relationship.

The other thing that happened was the sort of not so epic Tamra Barney vs. Alexis Bellino showdown. T’was sort of, I dunno, meh… and predictable.

Ok, so we begin with Brooks Ayers descending upon Vicki Gunvalson‘s office with of all things Starbucks. Blessed Starbucks. Hey, I’m a girl who loves her coffee and I wouldn’t throw a man out the door for bringing me lattes he bought on my credit card.

Shockingly Brooks was only bearing breakfast, not a folder full of Hallmark cards. Remember those wallets everyone’s dad used to have before smartphones and iPads – the ones with the flip out photo holder? I think Brooks has one full of affirmations and inspirational quote cards. Need a lift, I’ve got good tidings to go! I bet he just whips them out whenever Vicki starts asking too many questions.

Vicki tells Mr. Hallmark about the fight with Briana Culberson, including that Briana called him an opportunist. Brooks starts rambling on about how Briana has truth, her truth and I can see him straining to remember that Joel Osteen segment on being the best you you can be. Truthfully though, I think Brooks handled it well. Vicki doesn’t understand why Briana is upset, after all she’s always been the perfect mother! Yep – she said that.

Naturally, Vicki thinks Briana has daddy issues because of her father and Donn. I wonder if Briana has daddy issues or mommy issues? Vicki cries that she is tired of her life being under construction, she just wants her life to be finished product. Are these two perfect for each other or what? Love tanks, construction zones, what’s next? A garden analogy?

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If you were watching last week’s Real Housewives of Orange County, you know there was an quite the jaw dropping scene, and I’m not talking about Alexis Bellino’s birthday speech.  Vicki Gunvalson and newlywed daughter Briana Culberson got into quite the war of words regarding Vicki’s new beau Brooks Ayers and Briana’s new husband Ryan…you know, the guy who took Vicki’s one and only daughter to a drive-thru wedding chapel.  She just can’t get over that, can she?  Briana even goes as far as saying that her mother was having an emotional affair with Brooks while still married to Donn.  Vicki discusses the fight in this week’s Bravo blog:

When I was in Briana’s condo having this terribly heated discussion with her, I knew no matter what I said, I wasn’t going to convince her to accept Brooks and I dating. For that matter, no matter what she said was not going to convince me that marrying Ryan so quickly was the best decision either. I believe no matter who I was dating, she would have reacted the same way. It wasn’t Brooks in particular; it was me dating in general.

What you didn’t see is I left her home in tears, and just sat in the street and prayed, cried, and prayed some more. I realized it was not the end of the world if my daughter does not like the man I am dating.

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Well that was certainly shocking wasn’t it? Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County had it all. There were princesses, and puppies, and inappropriately placed speeches, and engagement rings, and diarrhea, and luxury bathrooms where champagne happened but diarrhea did not, and trains, and surgery, and there was also that fight where Briana Culberson called Vicki Gunvalson out on having an emotional affair. Yeah – so how ’bout that bombshell? Whew… I’m still speechless!

So where do we begin with these fine orange specimens of botoxed, bleached glory? Oh, yes we start at the Barbie-ests of them all’s house – Princess Alexis von Nosenjob Boobersmidts Tannorexia of Rent-a-mcmansions (aka Alexis Bellino) She’s a stunning example of a queenly and dignified life. Princess Von Boobersmidts is on the precipice of the entertainment event of the year. The grand gala of puppies and princesses. A ball where all the fairest, and grandest, and “wealthiest” come from miles around. Descending down the steps of their giant SUVs covered in glitter and filled with fillers. Oh, it’s an event to say the least.

Yes, Alexis is throwing a princess puppy party for her four-year-old twin daughters Melania and McKenna. Alexis has assistants and party planners and movers shuffling around giant ornate over-stuffed hideous rent-a-couches in order to make room for the bevvy of puppies that will be dropped onto the scene the next morning. In the middle of all of this our very busy princess takes a break for a statelyevening ritual… spray tanning. She’s so busy, but a lady is nothing without her orange glow.

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This past weekend Briana Culberson walked down the aisle with husband Ryan Culberson. Mother of the bride, Vicki Gunvalson called the affair beautiful and wonderful. Which is a far cry from the adjectives “disgusting” and “embarrassing” – which is how she described their elopement!

“I am proud to announce this past weekend we celebrated a beautiful destination wedding with 75 family members and their closest friends. It was a beautiful ceremony and celebration filled with love, dancing, and wonderful food,” the Real Housewives of Orange County star wrote in her Bravo blog. Reality Tea was able to obtain photos of the event!

CONTINUE READING FOR EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS OF BRIANA’S WEDDING!

Slave Smiley has repeatedly denied being employed by his girlfriend Gretchen Rossi - he has also never really revealed where exactly he is employed. Back in his heyday when he was an American Express Black Card holder and kind of a big deal in the OC, Slade was a business man of sorts. Well when the economy tanked so too did his career prospects which began his rather unlucrative venture of latching onto the ladies of Real Housewives of Orange County!

As of recently, Slave has seemingly been acting as Gretchen’s manager of sorts and now he – or rather Gretchen – is campaigning for a stint on Celebrity Apprentice!

Yesterday some delusional admiring fans mentioned that Gretchen should be CA’s next Housewives member, Gretchen suggested Slave would be better suited for the gig (she, herself, is angling for a spot on Dancing With The Stars) and henceforth a Twitter campaign going by the name #Smiley4Apprentice popped up. Good lawd… help me.

There don’t seem to be too many takers so far, but never underestimate the power of a hashtag!

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