But first, we are forced to follow Briana and Matt Ericson [Grundhoffer] – who, in case he isn’t gross enough, now has GOUT – to the gym. Outfitted in her “Fit & Fierce” tank top, Briana does her best to focus on all things Briana – like her music career, which is currently stalled because this chick cannot sing. She just needs a better voice coach, yo! What does Matt want, you wonder? Well, since his whole body is his “instrument” <dry heave> he wants to use said instrument to become an MMA fighter. At 40. With GOUT. “I’m sorry that your life isn’t enough for you,” snarks Briana. (Shouldn’t she just be glad he’s not sexting his other instrument clear across the nation anymore? Hmm?)
In the land of SUR and SURvival, all amounts to one’s role in the annual photoshoot where themes range from nearly naked, naked, to naked with accompanying awkward sexual encounters. This year Lisa is trying to take that up a notch by adding a last supper of hedonism complete with a fake roasted pigs and grapes on Ariana Madix‘s butt. BUT more on that later – Lisa’s first order of business is to ask Katie why on earth she and Tom 2 went on a vacation and spent the entire time in an extended “flare up”?
Seriously why does Katie call their arguments flare-ups? It makes it sound like a herpes outbreak.
If last week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 left you with a bad taste in your mouth when it comes to ongoing divorce and custody battles, tonight’s episode won’t do much better. Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin’s issues are only escalating and now Kail is dragging Jo into the mix. Jenelle Evans can’t let go of her recent mediation with mom Barb for custody of Jace and takes it out on her every chance she gets. But it’s not all drama tonight – Leah Messer considers beauty school while Chelsea Houska gets a stunt baby to prepare Cole DeBoer for what’s to come.
Since the last few episodes have been revolving around Kail and her drama, let’s just start there. For all you Kail fans out there (all three of you), you won’t like what I have to say but hey, I’m just working with the material I’m given here. Kail spins a harrowing tale of the night before, where Javi showed up, poof, out of the blue, enraged and “like a psycho”. He broke in to (his own house) by coming in the basement door, pulled out drawers and overall, wrecked havoc on poor Kail who was probably doing something incredibly humble and pure, like knitting a blanket for the poor or reading her bible. A terrified Kail had to call both the police and Jo for help.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta went left to The Matrix. I don’t even know what happened, but I feel like I entered an alternate universe? Of secret carpet muncher people? Even writing that feels wrong and homophobic. I want to go back home! I want to go click my Louboutins together and be transported to an RHOA of wig tugs, Bloops! and weird pickle photoshoots.
I had forgotten how debased Kandi Burruss and Porsha Williams‘ argument was in the week-off where I watched gorgeous gowns float across the Oscars stage. You can catch up on that recap here.
It was a hard jolt back to reality (I ate the blue pill! On a Monday!) to have the episode open with Porsha accusing Kandi and Todd of possibly planning to drug her then drag her into their hidden sex dungeon. OK – WHAT?!
Porsha “heard this” lurid rumor from someone else. Apparently she believes it. We know how those words on the street work in Atlanta. Turn here for “Liable Suit Way”! Kandi rightfully wants Porsha to present receipts to back-up any of her claims.
Was last night Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills horror story, or what?! A witch hunt! Gossip that comes back to haunt. The poltergeist that refuses to be exorcised. Mini cheesecakes that stalk through the night! The Twisted Sisters Richards back for revenge. The zombie audience of collected Housewives shaking from sugar, desperate to feast on the UN-Botoxed remains of low-carb brain. And Carnie Wilson (!) returns from the dead as a really good counselor.
Anyway, Lisa Rinna fessed-up, owned it, or whatever you want to call it. I have to say that I’m proud of her. It’s not easy to face down Kim Richards‘ demons and live to tell about it.
Well the wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney is going along full-force like the tornado in the Wizard Of Oz. Except instead of being transported to the land of yellow brick roads and ruby slippers, Tom 2 is being chased by the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying monkeys. Oh love in the wilds of Vanderpump Rules.
Am I the only person LOVING Tequila Tom?! For all my hatred of Tequila Katie, Tequila Tom needs to stick around a little more! He has bottled the worms of his rage up for too long. Let those suckers crawl OUT.
Peter Madrigal said it when he compared his failed relationship to Stassi Schroeder as like oil and water. “It may look OK when you shake it up…” but in reality it is two disparate things that simply do not stay together in the long term. And that is Tom and Katie. They are the fling that never ends – although it should’ve 200 drunken fights ago. And at this point it doesn’t even look good together anymore. No, anymore it looks like a torn, shredded dress and a slept-in smokey eye.
Tonight’s episode of Teen Mom 2 continues to show the nitty gritty of what’s going down in Kailyn Lowry and Javi Marroquin’s ugly divorce battle. Are all those past cryptic tweets and social media updates from them starting to make sense now? Definitely. Jenelle Evans has her own date in court, as her long awaited custody hearing for Jace gets under way with a deposition. Chelsea Houska and Cole DeBoer get their gender confirmation, while Leah Messer deals with ex-husband Jeremy Calvert moving on. Let’s start with them, shall we?
It’s before 6 AM and Leah is trying desperately to get her kids to the bus stop on time. Before I get back to how fun it is to play “Will They or Won’t They?” Bus Stop Edition, now would be a great time to address some previous rumors in the media (just hear me out, ok?) that Leah is pregnant again. While Leah has come out on the record to say, “gee where do people even get this stuff?” I will tell you where: FROM THE SONOGRAM PICS HANGING ON YOUR FRIDGE. Did anyone else catch that? As Leah rushes out of the kitchen to get the girls to school, there are two unmistakable rolls of sonogram pictures hung up on her fridge. That’s right, people, rewind your DVRs if you didn’t catch it. This one is going to be tough to explain….
“Mother of the year” Lisa Vanderpump is buying Max an apartment to reward him for putting up with the hooligans of SUR. And trust me – that is no small feat! Lisa and Ken spent $630,000 on a WeHo ‘gem’ that they describe as a dump, but I thought it looked pretty amazing and far nicer than any place I’ve ever lived. But alas, we cannot all be so lucky as to be adopted into pillows of Pomeranian fur, bejeweled British accents, and cocooned in rose-scented tea petals. Please note my official plea that Lisa save me from my middle-classdom.