Recaps

Ladies Of London Recap: Tiaras Make You Tipsy

It’s a royal circus this week as the Ladies Of London celebrate the queen’s birthday – by getting tipsy and arguing in the street! Just as her highness would wish. Long live the drama! When Juliet Angus takes Caroline Fleming and Caroline Stanbury on a pub crawl through the East End, they decide to call each other out on important issues like who eats fruit and why. Across town, Sophie Stanbury gets her groove back on a tipsy outing with Marissa Hermer, who feigns shock at this “new Sophie” on the prowl. Marissa also takes issue with some of the ladies giving her the side eye over leaving baby Sadie at home just weeks after a difficult delivery.

But before that mess begins, Marissa and Sadie visit Caroline F for a stroll and a coffee. Marissa, who reminds us she’s still not allowed to have sex postpartum, is ready to party (within reason). She and Caroline discuss Caroline’s sister, who Marissa is very close with – and who’s also moved back to Denmark. They move to the topic of Caroline S, who’s “not herself” lately, according to word on the street. The street that Marissa lives on, at least.

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Ariana & Brittany in Sonoma

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules featured dueling birthday trips – one made no attempt to be classy and the other pretended to be something they’re not.

First up, Ariana Madix grabbed the Toms and Jax Taylor for an RV trek around Sonoma Wine Country, which ground to a halt at a NASCAR track for wieners and wienies. The wienie being Tom 1 who whined and cried – in front of Ariana’s brother no less – that Ariana doesn’t find his man bun and overall short-alls attractive enough to f–k. The poor Toms – it seems they have something in common, in that their ladies would rather do anything but them.

But first there was the drama over The Missing Lala.

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Jenelle Evans - Teen Mom 2 Season 8

Teen Mom 2 fans, we are back with a new season, new drama and more interaction with the long suffering Teen Mom 2 producers. These Teen Moms have been busy since the reunion: Kailyn Lowry is on the verge of divorce from Javi Marroquin, Chelsea Houska is on the verge of marriage to Cole DeBoer, Jenelle Evans is on the verge of jail time and well, Leah Messer is on the verge of a nervous breakdown if she doesn’t find her damn keys.

Kail and Javi have some major unresolved issues happening right now in their marriage. So Kail copes with her issues by jumping out of a plane, which seems like a reasonable response to a crumbling marriage. If throwing yourself out of a plane is symbolism for what’s going on in her relationship, message received loud and clear.

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Kandi and Porsha argue over Phaedra

What the hell was going on last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta? That was the weirdest episode ever!

For some odd reason Cynthia Bailey decides to have a ‘Starting Over’ party in the office of a boob doctor and have her implants checked for an expiration date. The ladies of Real Housewives have done a lot of weird things in a plastic surgeon’s office, and they’ve had a lot weird versions of starting over/Tru-Renwal parties, but this one was by far the strangest. The whole cast showed up, dressed to the nines, to cram into a little exam room, screech over Cynthia’s boobs, and then watch the doctor diagnose them unevenly hard, but still usable. Not a very dignified way to start over.

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RHOBH Pantygate

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, we learned that Dorit Kemsley and her her husband Peek-K are obsessed with Erika Girardi‘s vajanynejayne. Dorit was patting Erika’s puss more than an Erika Jayne dance routine!

Dorit told everyone that PK not only had seen the Girardi family jewels, but appraised them for value at length. I think Dorit believed the reveal that Erika ‘forgot’ how to use her lady-like manners while wearing a white micro-cocktail dress was supposed to make Erika look bad. Honestly, though, Dorit’s non-stop complaining and over-analyzing, combined with Peek-K’s stalkerish staring, over what was essentially a wardrobe faux pas in poor taste, made Extra-Cheesey Dorit look worse.

As Erika herself surmised, the entire situation was, quite frankly, fishy. Like, why was Dorit so intent on telling everyone? What Eileen Davidson dubs ‘The Crotch Chronicles’ (or “SnatchChat”) becomes what Peek-K saw up Erika’s skirt. According to Dorit: everything.

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Caroline-Stanbury-White-Coat-Car-Ladies-Of-London

Last night, Marissa Hermer rejoined the Ladies Of London ranks, and not-so-subtly aligned herself with this season’s official Caroline Stanbury haters. Julie Montagu seems especially relieved that her co-conspirator is back in the saddle, ready to ride or die for the cause – as long as that cause is talking trash about Caroline.

When Marissa meets Julie, Sophie Stanbury, and Adela King for lunch, the anti-Caroline camp closes ranks quickly, musing about how unhinged their nemesis has become lately. Sophie plays dumb about why Caroline is being so meeeeean! And Marissa smirks that she thinks Caroline just has her panties in a wad about Sophie becoming friends with Julie. She also snarks that Caroline’s move to Dubai will be challenging, given her inability to make or keep friends easily. Ouch.

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Lisa fires James again

Get your Tom + Katie tea towels ready to clean up the muck that has become Vanderpump Rules!

Recovering from Christmas and an ultimate cookie binge, the last thing I’m in the mood for is whining from Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder. But, alas, I am nothing if not a consummate professional, so I have wrenched myself from the sluggish glut of a living room filled with wrapping paper (how many calories does wading through wrapping paper burn?) to complete this recap. Happy holidays! Katie just blew her life savings on $18.00 custom tea towels, and her life now consists of hatefully glaring at Tom Schwartz while folding said towels into cardboard boxes, wrapping the whole thing with twine, and mailing it. In case you were wondering wtf: that’s her wedding invite.

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Kyle & Dorit react to Erika

Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills always gives us a glimpse of the rare and finer things in life, right?! All the finer things… from fine China to the family jewels…

Lisa Rinna is off to New York to launch Delilah’s career as the next Gigi Hadid. Of course, Lisa acknowledges that Yolanda would have been a great ally and mentor right about now, so too bad about that Munchausen accusation last season. But let’s not dwell on the past, now. Let’s focus on how Lipsa is flying into her (and Delilah’s) future.

In NY, Lipsa meets up with Kyle Richards, who is opening yet another Kyle By KaftansToo (?!?!?!?!) all while wearing yet another goofy, incomprehensible outfit. Shouldn’t she call them like Kyle By MumusForever just for variety?

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