Recaps

Katie Maloney launches Pucker & Pout

Last night on Vanderpump Rules Katie Maloney launched her beauty blog Pucker & Pout. I’ll let “Katie Maloney + makeup and fashion tips” sink in a bit before moving on… But anyways, congratulations! 

Katie has been working hard to build her blog and decides to throw an industry launch party to debut it to the world, so she can begin making money. What Katie really wants, however, is an exclusive party with a tightly-controlled guest list, so she can wander around SUR pointing at people with her new Scheana Marie witch’s talon nails snapping, “Invited!” “Not Invited!” as she plucks the leaves, one by one, off Lisa Vanderpump‘s 100 year-old custom-cultivated tulips originally cuttings from Josephine Bonaparte’s garden, once watered with the blood of Napoleon (can you tell I’ve been watching War & Peace? It’s like Vanderpump Rules with more complicated names, more conniving, decent fitting clothing, more lying, and swords instead of cocktail stirrers). 

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Terra-Jole-Elena-Gant-doctor-Little-Women-LA

Another baby race? Say it ain’t so, Little Women: LA! We already know one cast member is expecting twins, but who? Christy McGinity and hubby Todd have also decided to pursue adoption in lieu of undergoing more IVF treatments. And Briana Renee has been hinting at her desire to spawn procreate with Matt since day one. Now it seems Terra Jole is pressuring Joe for more kids too. So, here we are. The race is on…again!

Elena Gant and Terra are out getting Elena’s tattoos lasered off. Elena says she wants them gone since she’s preparing to have kids (that makes sense…how?), but the process takes three years. No time like the present to start, I guess! The ladies have recovered from their bumps and bruises ala the motocross event, but have not recovered from their issues with each other: specifically Elena’s beef with Jasmine Sorge. Elena hasn’t invited Jasmine to her eye shadow palettes launch because she is DONE with that fake somebody. 

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mob wives marissa

It was a Mob Wives double whammy last night. Not only were we treated to a curse-fueled episode, but Carla Facciolo and Karen Gravano hosted us during commercials courtesy of VH1’s “Fourteen Days of Love” (not Majewski, thank goodness!). Neither of these women is skilled at reading a cue card, that’s for sure. Where we left off last weekBig Ang has arranged a sit down for the ladies so they can civilly discuss their differences. Bwahahahaha! Ang, Karen, Carla, and Renee Graziano patiently await Drita D’avanzo’s arrival so everyone can get to the bottom of all the she-said, she-said that is plaguing Staten Island. To begin, Carla wants to confirm that at one point all of the ladies had actual friendships, but she wants to know why her former bestie has such a giant problem with her.

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Miss Minnie Baby

There is baby and boyfriend drama everywhere on Little Women: Atlanta. And things are getting Juicy baby! (Pun intended). 

Last week Emily Fernandez discovered she was pregnant, but when she told her boyfriend Lontel he bailed. Didn’t Emily say they were TRYING to get pregnant?! Or maybe she was but Lontel had no idea! Because Lontel was like, pregnancy? Huh? How does this work?! Peace out! 

Emily is upset by Lontel’s reaction, but she’s been wanting a baby. Yet, her daughter Eva lives in PA with Emily’s father because Emily is too busy working. So how exactly is adding a new baby to the situation gonna work? 

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Lisa Rinna

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills mixed trashy lingerie into their usual drama cocktail.  It was um… Splits Richards in all her glory! 

Other than fishnets on ladies of a certain age, the drama centered around Yolanda Foster‘s Lyme Disease and Faye Resnick‘s polarizing existence. Two subjects I do not care about one bit! 

Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump are throwing a burlesque party, to celebrate their joint anniversaries. Kyle and Lisa are cute together. Even when they’re bickering. Lisa withholds sugar from Kyle’s tea as punishment for Kyle springing Faye on her. Kyle teases back that Lisa is holding a grudge. Later Lisa attempts to snoop through Kyle’s phone to see if she and Faye have been talking about her, but it’s all in fun. Quite simply, Lisa doesn’t want the “orangutan” that is Faye – and Faye is very orange in hue no thanks to the most curious spray tan color ever seen. Does she ask the airbrusher to tint her “highlighter orange”? Or possibly “Orange Julius”? Whatever’s happening – that ain’t sunkisst! 

The venue for the party is a speakeasy style hotel, and it’s fabulous. Even the looming presence Faye can’t tint Lisa’s excitement. 

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dance moms debbie allen class

Abby Lee Miller was notably absent on last night’s Dance Moms, but apparently her attendance isn’t required for ridiculous drama.

After Abby’s “resignation” on last week’s episode, the veterans and newbie moms are unsure of their direction, having relocated to a new studio. As the elite team and their mothers ponder their next move, Nia breaks down over haters on social media. Gia is taking over for Abby, and she’s not really the pyramid type. In lieu of solos, Gia has opted for duets. Kalani and Nia are thrilled to be paired together. Minis Peyton and Alexus are recycling a duet originally danced a few seasons ago by Chloe and Asia. Brynn and Kendall will be dancing the final duet, and Ashlee interrupts to ask if Brynn’s choreography will be more difficult than Kendall’s moves. Um no, Gia reminds Ashlee that they will be doing the same dance. As the moms bicker with Ashlee, Gia realizes that a group dance featuring the elites and the minis is going to be a lot harder than anyone anticipated. 

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Stassi is sad

Last night’s episode of Vanderpump Rules confirmed what I have been saying for years (seasons in Reality TV time): Kristen Doute and Jax Taylor are soulmates. I fully anticipate that in a few years time they’ll drunkenly run off to Vegas for a midnight elopement, then have a combative, insane, marriage befitting of a Hunter S. Thompson tale. All’s Fair In Love And Liquor: A True Tale Of Krax. So thank you, Tom 2, for validating that. 

But no thank you, Tom 2, for the reference to your flaccid penis. Katie Maloney, please get off Scheana Marie‘s drama train and onto your man. If the way Tom 2 was making out with that Hooters chicken wing is any indication, that was a man deprived and we know how Katie feels about make-out cheating! 

The Kristen Doute Apology Tour continues on, gathering steam by adding Stassi Schroeder, and growing into a cloud of vicissitude by adding Jax

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Kenya looses it in Jamaica

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Atlanta was full of surprises! Shockingly Bob appeared as Sheree Whitfield‘s date, NeNe Leakes sauntered onto the island to soak up the adoration so all that remained was shade, but most exciting: Tootie got Kenya Moore‘s twirl all twisted up like a tornado. Then Kim Fields just strolled away. 

Kim may be way too normal for reality TV; she may not be cut-out for RHOA, but she’s certainly a smart, classy, and professionally successful lady whose reputation in the industry speaks for itself. Ms. Beauty Queen on Bathsalts Krayonce WISHES she had an IMDB page that featured something from this decade (other than Real Housewives Of Atlanta). Kim is correct – Kenya belongs at the kiddie table until she’s able to conduct herself like a grownup, not an 8-year-old forced into an educational trip to DC to meet with congresswomen.

Kim’s comments hit Krayonce right in her butt-hurt stallion booty. 

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