Recaps

Tom tries to smother Katie with love.

Happy Valentine’s Day, esteemed Reality Tea readers! To demonstrate how much I love you all, here is a gushing, love-filled recap of Vanderpump Rules. Last night, we found ourselves dealing with stinky situations in the city of saints, sinners, and voodoo. No, it was not corpses escaping their graves in a zombie apocalypse, it was just more Tequila Katie.

As always, the three-headed shebeast proceeded to terrorize the menfolk in a manner befitting of epic trilogies from the ancient years before cell phones could take photos and people were able to communicate with only the push of tiny buttons. What I’m saying is that Tom 2 is on his own Odyssey, charting a territory only tepidly paved by Tom 1‘s Iliad before him (that would be surviving Kristen Doute). I can’t compare Jax Taylor to anything other than Dr. Jackhole and Mr. Jax’d. He writes his own unsavory story – warts and all.

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Teen Mom 2 recap

This week’s episode of Teen Mom 2 revolves around the self-created drama of both Kailyn Lowry and Jenelle Evans but what else is new? There are a lot of similarities between their two very different lives: both are selfish and over dramatic. But the similarities end when it comes to how they deal with things – Jenelle won’t shut up about whatever she thinks is going on and Kail refuses to talk about it unless it benefits her.

This week, Kail is so wrapped up in going back to school, we’re only subjected to the drama she has left behind for Jo Rivera and Vee Torres, while Jenelle is busy with delusions of everyone vying for her affections. Leah Messer and Chelsea Houska get lost in the mix of these story lines, as usual. Yes, I know, reality TV is all about drama and things happening and it would be a pretty boring show if it weren’t for this, but nevertheless, it does get tiring to watch two people who are so emotionally stunted.

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RHOA cast goes Glamping

Well the ladies of Real Housewives Of Atlanta tried to tame the wild beast of Marlo Hampton‘s gossip-trapping, but instead Sheree Whitfield wound up carrying her bones while Marlo turned their weaves into a cape.

Last night we learned a few important lessons, mostly that we should never ever let the Real Housewives of any ilk attempt the outdoors. Like nice try Phaedra Parks, but just like your maxi dress, the Real Housewives aren’t a right fit for tents.

Getting out of Atlanta is itself a travail after Porsha Williams has surprise invited her sister Lauren to act as a human security blanket against Porsha’s highly tuned rage. While Porsha and Kenya Moore argue about the merits of their communication styles, Prophet Parks interjects commanding them to STOP and to remember they are all strong personalities who act out. Constantly.

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Kyle in Mexico

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, newbie Eden Sassoon wised up, and Lisa Rinna‘s little “words of wisdom” came back to haunt her.

Lipsa may have been having a “mad moment” when she told Eden all about Kim Richards‘ very non-sober life (allegedly!), but Eden remembered every single word, which propelled her annoying badgering of the Twisted Sisters Richards about needing her help. Eden, tired of being hung out to dry in the cold whipping winds of Housewives, came to pay her respect to the queen, Lisa Vanderpump, beseeching her to advocate on her behalf.

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Ladies Of London Finale Recap: Dubai Felicia

Sniff, sniff. Waving our hankies at Ladies Of London as it recedes on a slow tide of broken friendships, dusty castles, and tear-stained titles is all we can do now. Season three left us with more questions than answers. Like, is Caroline Stanbury okay with Sophie Stanbury and Adela King these days? (Answer: yes, according to recent Instagram posts.) Will Julie Montagu be able to stop vibrating long enough to save Mapperton, one Made In China tchotchke at a time? Can Juliet Angus possibly survive in London, sans Caroline S handing her marching orders?

And more to the point, will Marissa Hermer’s balls-to-the-wall press junket this week work in securing her a future spot on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills? Or at least a meeting with Lisa Vanderpump about hubby Matt Hermer’s alleged plans to open a club in West Hollywood? (Because if that sh*t ain’t transparent, I don’t know what is.) Alas, one final, painful question remains: Will Bravo cancel Ladies Of London now that two of its cast members are, well, not in London anymore? Although Marissa and Caroline S likely plan on spending summers back in the UK, that might not be reason enough to keep filming. Maybe a cast shakeup will come our way. But I refuse to accept a dire outcome yet. So, chin up, good people! For now, we must keep calm and snark on! Because this finale was a doozie.

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Summer House - Cristina

I think I understand why Kyle Cooke drinks so much on Summer House, because I would have to be drunk to survive friendships with these people. In the center of all of last night’s drama was the fractured friendship of Cristina Gibson and Lindsay Hubbard.

Ugh these two. Ugh all these twos. Especially Lindsay and Everrett Weston.

After Lindsay drunkenly announced that Cristina was fired from her job, she got in a car and slapped Everett in the face for “being rude.” This erupted into a house-wide drunken fight during which Kyle just slurred “sorry” at a bag of chips approximately 300 times, until Everett dumped Lindsay, who hid under the covers until Ashely Wirkus came to console her.

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Katie and Scheana fight

You guys, it’s Katie Maloney‘s life, she can ruin it if she wants to, but everyone else better cheer, clap, and act happy! Frankly I’m confused about what’s even going on with Vanderpump Rules. It is all over the place – like we went from church to Jax Taylor and Tom Sandoval trying on Lisa Vanderpump‘s bras to dress in drag for Tom Schwartz‘s bachelor party. Read that sentence back to yourself and tell me this show isn’t perplexing?

Last episode ended with SUR’s Aging Warriors stalking and harassing James Kennedy. This episode opens with everyone acting like it was so stupid that anyone would even bother stalking and harassing James Kennedy. Like, DUH! Obviously!

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Teen Mom 2 recap

On this episode of Teen Mom 2, Leah Messer finally takes the girls on the vacation she’s been talking about (to everyone but her exes), Chelsea Houska sends Aubree off to her first day of first grade, Kailyn Lowry officially files for divorce from Javi Marroquin, and Jenelle Evans decides to announce her pregnancy to the world that is already fully aware, thanks to a police report.

Not surprising to anyone, Leah couldn’t get the kids’ passports back on time so her plans to go to Mexico are out of the question. Ex Jeremy Calvert is relieved to hear this, as he’s been worried from the jump about what a dangerous place a family-friendly resort on the coast of Mexico could be. So California it is!

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