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shahs-of-sunset-lilly-ghalichi-birthday-party

Ready or not — the Shahs of Sunset are back!  We catch up with Mercedes "MJ" Javid,  Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi,  Asa Soltan Rahmati, Reza Farahan, Lilly Ghalichi, and Mike Shouhed three months after last season.

The focus of the premiere is Lilly's self-indulgent 30th birthday party. She's the party planner of course – nobody loves Lilly as much as Lilly loves Lilly – and she chooses to exclude MJ after she fails to RSVP on time. This decision does not sit well with the rest of the group. Reza's terribly heartbroken. Supposedly.

Speaking of Reza, he's me, me, me right out of the gate. Reza complains about his hair turning white and his waistline growing round. So what's a successful Persian realtor suffering a midlife crisis to do? Go Porsche shopping of course!

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teen-mom-3-arabella-birthday

Season one of Teen Mom 3 is coming to an end. Slowwwly. Just before next week's finale, we see Alex Sekella celebrate Arabella's first birthday without Matt McCannKatie Yeager struggle with being single, Briana DeJesus date behind Roxane's back, and Mackenzie Douthit and Josh McKee play nice with Mackenzie's family. 

Arabella's first birthday is just a few days away.  Alex decides she'd rather Matt not come to the party – because he'll sulk when he has to share Arabella with others – but she welcomes him to one-on-one time with her on her actual birth day. Sadly, as of right now, Matt has not returned any of Alex's calls. His loss! Alex puts her baby daddy drama on the back burner to deal with her own daddy. She invites him to Arabella's party despite tension since she became a teen mom. He says yes. 

Katie obsesses over Joey Maes. She complains non-stop to poor Molli and whomever else is willing to listen.  Also?  Katie fails to see that she's equally responsible for their breakup. Perpetual victim, this one. Everything is Joey's fault. She'll never be able to forgive him. Blah. Blah. Unless he wants her back, then maybe… probably… definitely. This girl needs a serious reality check and an ounce of self esteem. STAT. 

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rhom-recap

Last night Joanna Krupa made it down the aisle on Real Housewives of Miami, but not without some serious hijinks! Like oversleeping, missing her flight, and ending up on a cheeseball pseudo-dramatic roadtrip to San Diego with Lea Black driving like a bitch out of hell. 

After the epic bachelorette party, Joanna leaps out of bed in full makeup only to learn that she's tragically late. She rouses the other girls, whose lack of artifice make me think that perhaps they really did over-sleep. Lisa Hochstein and Joanna have forgiven each other for their drunken whore-gument the night before. Lisa is passed out on the floor or something and has no recollection of storming off the party bus after humping the open bar. Which is for the best. 

Everyone scrambles to get ready, choose the perfect accessories and 6" heels for travel, while Lea actually arranges said travel. They end up renting an SUV, getting stranded in the dessert when Fembot needs to stop to vomit up nuts, bolts, and silicone and Adriana de Moura attempts to pee against the wind in a flowy maxi dress and some serious stripper heels. Again, who wears that on a ROAD TRIP. It's called JEANS. Well at least everyone is having fun, not taking things too seriously, and joking about the drunken antics. 

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Vanderpump Rules - Season 2

Last night was the season premiere of Vanderpump RulesEveryone on this show needs a Lysol bath and a therapist for their narcissism.

Stassi Schroeder, Princess of Booze, Bitchiness, and Over-inflated Egos, has not changed one bit! She is now on a quest for world domination, something she plans to write the POTUS about. Stassi wants to make it a law that she has a pet zombie. I thought Jax Taylor was her pet zombie? 

Jax is still in loooourve with Stassi, but doing everything humanly (and zombie-ly) possible to screw it up. All Jax's groveling and begging her dad for forgiveness doesn't count if he's still planning on dipping his wick in the non-insane bitch ladies pool!

Other than JaxAssi acting JaxAssi-ish, Scheana Marie has gone full-fledged SWF nutty! Let's talk about her, shall we? In the off-season Scheana has devoted every moment of her life to worshipping Lisa Vanderpump and replacing Brandi as the object of Lisa's maternal affections. Can't Giggy have a baby already? Scheana has also decided Pandora is her BFF - and even better, they share a birthday. 

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hip hop peter gunz

Well, we're back for another classy installment of Love & Hip Hop which begins with Amina Buddafly bragging to Rich Dollaz about her marriage to Peter Gunz. She is a horrible actress as she tries to act like she's sick of being considered his side-chick. Peter can't believe she's spilling their secret. After all, he told her that no one could ever know about their little wedding. Mona, I'm insulted. This is what passes for "reality" these days? This is about as real as my relationship with Ryan Gosling.

K. Michelle and her friend Paris are meeting Yandy Smith for gossip and cocktails. They discuss the dating scene in New York City, and K. Michelle reveals that she won't date another man with a hairless cat. Before I can get totally grossed out by K's weird sexual references, she explains that she once dated a guy who actually had a Grandma Whiskers. Yandy decides to plan a ladies' night out to welcome her friend to the Big Apple.

We're introduced to Nya who is a stripper turned rapper (sound familiar?), so of course Rich feels inclined to stop by the studio to check out her sound. Nya isn't keen on having a manager who is known for sleeping with his artists. She's already got enough to overcome with the whole stripper gig. Rich is insulted. Google him. He makes dreams come true. This is either the worst first meeting between "business people" or a prelude to a sexually charged manager-artist relationship. I've learned only one thing from this flipping franchise, and that is the studio time costs money. This entire exchange just seems like a big ol' waste of cash to me.

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rhobh-lisa-kyle

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Not much has changed since last season except for the fact that Lisa Vanderpump is being given the bitch edit. Or she's become a bitch? Or always was one? Whatever – things are odd so far!

Kyle Richards and Lisa spend the whole episode playing tit-for-tat and throwing shady covert digs at each other that are kind of diggy and kind of funny and definitely fake as the boobs in the ol' BH. 

Things begin with Yolanda Foster chaperoning daughter GiGi's modeling shoot. GiGi is gorgeous and Yolanda could not be more proud. A fact she expresses by reminding GiGi that all the dieting and exercising has paid off. Yolanda is still rocking last season's outfit and the same set of natty extensions. You own a private plane – get better hair! I should cut the lady some slack, she has been battling lyme disease. :(

Not getting any slack from me is Kyle. Good ol' Splits! She's adding business woman to her resume because Kaftans Too For Me & You or whatever the H-E-Double-Hockeysticks her shop is called is now getting the attention of the Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce. They want Kyle to join, presumably because the country club needs new robes and she has a bunch in stock. 

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rhom-recap-joanna-topless

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives of Miami hit up Vegas for Joanna Krupa's bachelorette party. Lets just say some people took the cock-tails a leeeetle too far! Ahem… Lisa Hochstein

Since Joanna is trying to be nice she invited the entire RHOM crew, including Adriana de Moura. There were strict instructions that Adriana had to be on sedatives. Adriana's half-hearted apology to Lea Black didn't really patch things up, so they too still have an awkward tension. 

Lisa is thrilled to be getting away form Lenny 'cause they're having issues and she needs to let loose and get drunk. Fembot's adventures in Vegas are a recipe for disaster! First of all, Joanna makes all the ladies fly coach, which is hilarious. Lea is scrambling to stuff one of her 6000 purses in the carry-on hold and seems on the brink of meltdown. I swear Lisa probably almost missed the flight sprinting through the airport looking for an ATM when she realized you had to pay for booze in coach! 

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rhoa-recap

Last night was the season premiere of Real Housewives of Atlanta.  I so forgot how deliciously shade-full and snarky these ladies are. Of course there was also Krayonce… who is just as kraysane as always! 

Everyone has had a lot going on since last season. NeNe Leakes re-married Gregg, as we know, and is now like Veruca Salt in a chocolate factory, opening all her wedding presents. Once such wedding present is a $400 Hermes plate from Teresa Giudice. Teresa needs to ask for that plate back. #NotARichBitch

NeNe is ripping through the wrapping paper going 'For meeeeeee….?!' when Gregg reminds her it's actually "for we". Apparently not – it's NeNe's world and we're all just living in it. <Snaps>

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