Have you heard? Princesses: Long Island star Chanel "Coco" Omari is 27 years old and not married. I repeat – NOT married. Broken. So sad. Disgrace to Longuyland. Tune in next week to see Chanel's public stoning. Obviously, I kid (at least I hope) about the stoning, but is this pity party for real?
Chanel's younger sister, Ashley, is engaged to be married, and poor broken Chanel doesn't even have a boyfriend. The hits keep coming when Chanel helps shop for Ashley's bridal gown. At the dress shop, Mom introduces Ashley, the bride, and Chanel, the sister, and the shop clerk asks if Chanel is the "little sister" as if it's relevant and/or any of her business. After a brief moment of silence, Chanel reveals that she's actually the older sister, and then the store clerk buys the first ticket to Chanel's stoning.
Just for kicks – Ashley insists that Chanel try on a wedding gown. Mom prays, "God willing, Chanel will meet someone," and Chanel weeps. "Sometimes I just want to be normal like everyone else and do the same things like everyone else is doing," she cries. "It's really difficult when you feel like you're always on a different page."
Oh Real Housewives of New Jersey. I just don't know what to do with you. Like ever. Last night Melissa Gorga was officially accused of cheating by a former BFF who now doesn't like her. And since this is RHONJ some heavy betrayal was involved. Does anyone like Melissa in NJ? What did this girl do to make so many enemies? Did she give a lot of people unwanted sprinkle cookies?
Anyway, there was also talk of a retreat. I need a retreat from this show – am I invited?
Things begin with Wallpaper Wakile having a meeting of the minds in her brand new test kitchen. She's got her mixer all set up in one corner and the entire vast remainder of the industrial kitchen sits unused and empty. Pretty soon Kathy is going to start moving her bed, her dresser, all her clothes, etc in because if there's one things she's realized about ol' test kitchen – it's a great retreat from Richie. And one long overdue.
And speaking of retreats from hubbies, here comes Caroline Manzo. Is Al in the same country as her anymore? Caroline, Jacqueline Laurita, and Rosie the Rampager are meeting to talk about Rosie's big meet-n-drink with Teresa Giudice. Rosie reveals that the pounding on the table severely bruised the cartilage in her hand. Rosie needs serious help. Gross.
Blah, blah, blah….that's what comes to mind when I hear the title of the latest Dance Moms special Dance Moms Chatter. Jeff Collins returns to mediate (is he wearing pink pants? Props!) an hour of filler that promises Kelly and Christi drama, comediennes, and drunk fans (turns out they were one and the same). Jeff revisits the breakdown in Kelly and Christi's friendship, and Kelly admits that she has a hard time letting people into her life. Likewise, Christi knows that it's going to take a long time to regain her former bestie's trust.
Two super fans/comediennes join Kelly and Christi on stage. As the four women share cosmos, Christi wouldn't mesh well with the super fans who hope their kids are never more than mediocre. They don't want their entire lives to revolve around their children's after-school activities. Kelly reminds the super fans that their kids would fit right in with her daughters as Abby Lee Miller is constantly reminding her that her girls are average.
I notice that Christi's hair is the same color as Jeff's pants–it's got a pink tint…or is that my television? We are treated to a montage of all the moms yelling and bickering at some point during the franchise (there is no cohesiveness or chronology in this special), and Christi takes the opportunity to take digs at Kristie 2.0. Kelly reveals that it was Asia that dubbed the original Christi as "Fat Christi." Out of the mouths of babes…
A few beautiful wedding dresses can make anything better! Even a limo full of badly behaving Real Housewives of Orange County. Yep, I like even Tamra Barney better when she's all stuffed into a stunning white gown. Maybe because I can imagine the fabric drowning out her voice.
So last night was another infamous Tamra Starts Getting Married episode. After she decided to be the the bigger girl and invite Alexis Bellino to her ultimate special dress shopping extravaganza for trip down the aisle numero tres, friction between Gretchen Rossi who like totally thought she was the numero uno in importance, arose. Tamra no likey.
Tamra meets finace Eddie for dinner at their gym which is still basically an abandoned warehouse at this point and Tamra is wearing some sort of animal hide cape. Seriously – what was that thing Cruella DeVille? I thought Tamra only killed and skinned other housewives. Silence of the Implants!
Okay, if I didn't already know that Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta was scripted, I think Kirk Frost's mountain weekend last night would have been a dead giveaway. Seriously? The dude has a pregnant wife and he has cameras following his every move. I hope both he AND Rasheeda are laughing their way to the bank with that VH1 storyline! Let's get started, shall we?
Kirk heads to Benzino's to vent about his pregnant wife making a video with HIS money from THEIR joint account. Benzino thinks that his friend is starting to wage a battle on his wife, and he hates seeing a "power couple" like the Frosts crumbling. He thinks his friend needs to get away from the city and the strip clubs and head to the lake. Kirk will be able to clear his head, and hopefully Benzino will forget he can't find love in the ATL.
This week, Amanda Bertoncini and Joey Lauren hawk their "ticket to easy street" inventions, the Drink Hanky and Kissamint, and Ashlee White thinks she's adorable when she drops $5300 of her daddy's money on high heels.
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey some tepid family bonds were forged while others remained more fractured than a crackle manicure. Oh deja Jersey – coming back to haunt us like bad ju-ju!
Things begin with the aftermath of Joe Gorga's gym baptism by fire. Poison is driving home talking to himself, mumbling "bitch" and other little rude names. The voices in his head really shouldn't be so hard on him. He's only a man, after all. A flawed one, but still only a man with a penchant for weight lifting, Tarzan-ing, and embarrassing himself.
He stomps into the house where a perfectly made up Melissa Gorga is relaxing on her bed begging daughter Antonia to "write" her book for her. Melissa tells Antonia about including stories about her own dad in the book. Melissa is running the including her dad thing by everyone as if she really cares about anyone's opinion. Girl is going to include all her dad's dirrry secrets because it sells books and there is no point to writing a book if it isn't to sell it!
Melissa says she doesn't want her daughter to see the type of family life she had and right on cue here comes Poison grunting and talking himself down from jumping off the faux-marble roof as he barges in to let Melissa know that Teresa Giudice was ranting about fake Chanel on Twitter or something.
Two weeks in a row without Abby Lee Miller is my idea of a nice vacation…if the show isn't on for me to recap. However, two weeks with minimal Abby on Dance Moms while Cathy and her Candy Apples take the stage? No thanks. It puts me to sleep just thinking about it.
Maddie is in Los Angeles to perform on Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. Abby thinks its so wonderful of Maddie to take advantage of the networking opportunity that this situation will provide for her.
We get about fifteen seconds of Maddie's rehearsal before we're stuck back in Ohio with Cathy and her apples. Cathy has abandoned the pyramid scheme she stole from Abby in exchange for an "apple tree." So basically, it's a pyramid of apples. So glad to see someone at Cathy's studio has mastered clip art. We're treated to a montage of the newbies talking about what a positive learning environment Cathy's studio is while reshowing the clip from Abby's UDC where she calls Hadley "roadkill."