Recaps

hollywood reunion

Is it possible that I’ve already forgotten half of the story lines from this season’s Love & Hip Hop Hollywood? Thanks goodness that last night’s first reunion installment brought me back up to speed! This time around, Nina Parker is tasked with keeping the cast in check, stirring the pot, rehashing the drama, and getting the heck out of the way when the inevitable messiness begins. She introduces the cast (there are some folks that maybe lasted an episode), and Hazel-E is in desperate need of a bra. Brandi missed the memo that this wasn’t a costume party, so she’s dressed as a fancy ostrich. Nina explains that Omarion and Apryl Jones were not able to join their co-stars because they have way more sense than this crew Omarion needs to focus on his music. 

Princess and Ray-J’s turbulent romance is the first story line to be recapped. Ray admits he’s made a lot of mistakes, and Princess is happy to share that the charges against her have been dropped after that whole “Ray-J let me get arrested” fiasco. She reveals that the pair is engaged after Ray popped the question on the finale. Teairra Mari interjects that Ray has TMZ on speed dial, so it’s the perfect segue into Teairra’s two-faced ways with the couple. Teairra takes offense to Ray’s accusation that she was only interfering to get him back in her bed. She calls him a liar, but she fails to come up with another logical reason for inserting herself into their relationship.

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Mike Shouhed's mistress bares all!

Earlier this month Jessica Parido, Mike Shouhed‘s wife of 8 months, filed for divorce. The reason: Mike’s incessant cheating! After discovering scandalous texts and messages from other women, Jessica learned Mike had been cheating throughout their entire relationship!  About a year ago, Mike’s (alleged) former mistress, Emerald Wilson-Bey, came forward by writing a book, My Nights With The Shah: How Not To Date A Celebrity, which detailed her racy affair with the Shahs Of Sunset star!  We’ve “sat” on this for a while, waiting for the right time to share the details and allegations from the book.

Emerald, a high-end real estate agent specializing in ‘pocket listings’ and relocation services, initially met Mike when she was on a work trip in Beverly Hills. Emerald imagined their passionate connection would translate into both sex and success! Detailing their steamy nights in the upper echelons of Beverly Hills, Emerald envisioned them becoming a power couple – instead she quickly realized Mike wasn’t nearly as single as he pretended to be. Funny how reality television exposes people’s private lives… 

Below we share some of the highlights from Emerald’s salacious story, including Mike’s reaction to learning she was writing a book, how Bravo discovered her existence, and if Jessica knew! 

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Cynthia & Porsha argue at Kenya's boat party

All aboard the S.S. Krayonce for Bravo’s version of the Titanic, with far less hearts going on and a lot more going off on others. Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a 3 hour cruise went horribly wrong and some Housewives panicked under pressure. It was every Housewife for herself with only unlimited booze, bikinis, and some very extra ‘Friends’. 

Before all that Kenya Moore decides to be neighborly by walking over to Chateau Sheree where Sheree Whitfield is sweeping the front porch. What type of so-called exclusive, upscale neighborhood has a highway running through it? Highway 666 judging by the neighbors! 

Kenya marvels at the size of Chateau Sheree and tries to barge in, but can’t open the door. Did Sheree get She By SheVicted?! To distract her, Sheree demands, “Where my cookies at?!”  

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Alexei-Loren-Argument-90-Day-Fiance

Our K1 Visa is almost up, folks! On this week’s special 2-hour episode of 90-Day Fiance, the couples find their impending doom wedding days drawing closer, and this sh*t is getting really…realLoren’s world, in which Alexei is currently taking up precious closet space, is all about her bachelorette party right now. Her friend, Sarah, and other gals are flying in to take Loren out for some drunken debauchery before the Big Day. Alexei is not thrilled with the prospect of his fiance turnt up and on the loose, noting that “drunk girls aren’t very smart.”

Sarah doesn’t do a stellar job of reassuring a nervous Alexei. She doesn’t like his sour demeanor, but on the plus side, she’s glad he’s tall! Loren promises to behave herself, but Alexei warns, “No strippers!” before she leaves anyway. Alexei says he trusts Loren, but his imagination is getting the best of him in this situation. My imagination is getting the best of me too as I picture Loren and 1,000 screeching girls taking over everyone’s favorite bar with glow sticks, toilet-paper veils, and penis-straws. Then getting promptly kicked out. 

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below deck reunion

“Mental wounds not healing; who and what’s to blame? I’m goin’ off the rails on a crazy train!” What could possibly be to blame? Maybe those sparkly butterflies occupying the ceiling of Eros? I so wanted another boat ballad to steer us into last night’s fun, but a little Ozzy Osbourne never hurt anyone. Plus, a boat is just a train on water, right? I don’t know about y’all, but I think it’s high tide, um, I mean “high time,” that the crew of Below Deck got a proper reunion! And a two-parter to boot! They have clearly arrived by Bravo standards! Andy Cohen has pulled the yachties from the WWHL clubhouse, and he feels like Captain Lee Rosbach has called them all to the bridge of the Eros.

Emile Kotze is sporting his grandfather’s suit, Eddie Lucas is looking adorable with a beard (it almost–ALMOST–makes me forget his douche-esque behavior this season!) and Kate Chastain has foregone the resting bitch face…for the time being. The get together kicks off with the gang recalling their favorite charter guests, and Connie Arias recalls that her roommate Emile would ask her to hit the deck a few minutes early every morning so he could spank the salami (or whatever the phrase may be). Lovely. Andy inquires as to why Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is always chatting with her pal the ceiling, and she jokes that there were likely sparkly butterflies and unicorns flying around up there. When Eddie tries to crack a joke, Rocky jumps. Does Eddie want to get into things already? Is his girlfriend there so Rocky can share some of the sordid details of their laundry room hook-ups? 

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Shay and Scheana Intervention

Last night on Vanderpump Rules there was an intervention, some couples therapy, and one doomed relationship after another. Happy vibes!

Despite the fact that Shay is still MIA (in his parents basement), Scheana Marie is rallying like the supermodel she is by smizing with her saddest ‘I’m crying through my tears’ face as she models tiara-shaped hair clips, and giant gold crown headbands for Katie Maloney‘s new website Pucker & Pout.

Oh Scheana, you do sooooo much for your friends. Taking quick breaks to hold back tears so not to muss her makeup, Scheana sniffles, “Lisa told me to breathe through my nose.” Oh Scheana, you poor unfortunate soul whose husband became a Vicodin addict JUST so you could have a storyline about how love is harder than the diamond you covet so super bad!

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hollywood rich moniece

Last night was the season finale of Love & Hip Hop Hollywood. What a ride! The episode begins as Moniece and Rich Dollaz are having a date night, and she applauds him for his civil meeting with Lil’ Fizz. She’s excited with the state of their relationship–Rich has done everything she’s asked of him regardless of how crazy he may consider her requests. Of course, with Moniece we know that that’s saying a lot! Next on her list? Engagement rings and wedding bands! Rich is on board as long as his ring is just as expensive as hers. Meanwhile, after coming out to his ex-girlfriend Amber to appease his current boyfriend Milan, Miles has decided to face his best guy friends with the news that he is gay. After the regular friendly ribbing and a quick game of pool, Miles realizes he should’ve never been nervous to tell his friends of his sexual orientation. They are extremely open to his admission, except for the fact that he didn’t feel comfortable telling them earlier.

Ray J is still whining about losing Princess, and he’s pulling out all the stops in hopes of making her come back to him. Cue a giant red bow and a brand-new house. He is all in as far as a relationship goes, but Ray’s not all in as far as Dabo’s (#allin #BYOG #GoTigers) standards go. Princess knows that Ray can be unpredictable, but she’s hoping he realizes why she needed to slow things down in the first place. She still loves Ray, but she’s not sure she can trust him due to his history of strippers and late nights. This is Ray’s final chance with Princess. Until the next chance, obviously. Princess cites that she is not ready to move into a new house unless Ray can promise her that it will be hers forever. She wants everything in her name. Ray isn’t about to convey his latest property over to Princess, but he lies and tells her that it’s in the works. Princess is excited about this next chapter, but she shouldn’t hold her breath for a quitclaim deed. Neither should Ray J, as we all know that this is just VH1 renting a house for filming purposes and for no other reason.

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RHOA Recap - Moore Haircare Launch

Last night on Real Housewives Of Atlanta a certain former beauty queen known for her luscious locks launched her haircare lineor did she? What did Kenya Moore have in those bottles?! 

Before all the shit-talking and shade-throwing begins, Porsha Williams and Phaedra Parks get some shit-removal from Atlanta’s premiere colonic administrator: The Poop Doctor. EWWWWW…

Phaedra muses that several of the ladies need a colonic because they’re so full of shit their skin is several shades darker. Ahem, KENYA

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