Let's jump right in and get the absolute worst of it out of the way. Andy insisted on rehashing the stripper drama. Of course. We saw it all play out on TV – a penis (not Eddie's) in Tamra's ear and a boob (not Tamra's) in Eddie's mouth – and my eyeballs will never be the same.
Andy begged for all the tacky(Tamra's specialty) details.
Eddie said he was "blown away" over the penis to his wife-to-be's ear. Tamra shrugged it off, saying she certainly didn't enjoy it, unlike Eddie in Vegas. I refuse to talk about Eddie's boner again. Let's just say that Tamra's opinion of the incident definitely has not changed.
I bet y'all didn't think Bravo could effectively squish all of Tamra Barney and Eddie Judge's wedding insanity into three hours worth of Bravo fluff. Heck, if you're like me, you may be wondering how they managed to draw out Tamra's OC Wedding into three long episodes. Well, whatever your thoughts, I hope you soaked in all the Disney princess magic of last night's "limited series finale." I love what this network tries to make "a thing." Stop trying to make fetch happen, Bravo! Sorry, I thought a Mean Girls reference was the perfect wedding gift for Tamra, as she's the original Housewives version!
Tamra's poor wedding planner Diann Valentine is getting frustrated and freaked out by the bride-to-be. First of all, Tamra doesn't have the place settings finalized, and she informs Diann that her wedding dresses won't be delivered until the morning of the big day…which is in 72 hours. Tamra can't be bothered by Diann's worries because she's got an appointment at the Pretty Kitty to get her Britney waxed. She's a Brazilian virgin, y'all! I'm shocked! Accompanying Tamra on her big day are her mom and two gay friends. While her mom waits with a rented bridesmaid in the lobby, Ricky and Julius are in the waxing room helping contort Tamra's legs for the hair ripping festivities.
That evening, Tamra and Eddie's family and friends are gathering for an outdoor rehearsal dinner. True to form, Tamra's brother is in attendance with his Mason of moonshine. Heather Dubrow doesn't do "communal booze in a jar" but Terry and Vicki Gunvalson find it super tasty. Tamra corners her brother about a moonshine ban for the wedding day, and he reveals that they will be partying to celebrate her big day with Eddie. A tearful Kenny shares that Eddie brings out the best in Tamra, and she apologizes for torturing him during their childhood. After they hug and make amends, Vicki feels the need to make a teary toast which is thankfully interrupted by a drunken Terry's inappropriateness. "Tongue!" he cries as Vicki goes fawns over Tamra mere centimeters from her friend's face.
In her Bravo blog, Caroline addresses the multiple family bonding, therapy sessions, and misguided team-building exercises. It was so much more believable when these folks weren't getting along? How much more passive aggressiveness between Melissa Gorga and Teresa Giudice can the viewing audience take? Give us (and the poor therapy horse!) a break, Bravo!
The Manzo matriarch begins by stating the obvious, writing, "The past two episodes of RHONJ were pretty intense, wouldn't you agree? As promised, the viewing audience witnessed a few very real and emotional moments from cast members that you would least expect, my husband Albert being one of them. I'm not gonna lie, that knocked me for a loop, I wasn't expecting that at all."
Alexis Bellino…she'd be one of my favorites on Real Housewives of Orange County if she just wasn't so wishy-washy. While she's inadvertently hilarious with her one-liners and her sometimes holier than thou attitude, I feel like Alexis is finally learning the ropes. Latch onto the Alpha…and do it better than Gretchen Rossi did! We all know that Alexis has forged a deep friendship (at least in her naive and misguided mind) with Vicki Gunvalson, and she's convinced it's the real deal. Did she not watch the seasons before she started on RHOC? I do feel that Alexis tries her best to be genuine, and I hope for her sake that she is able to stay on Vicki's good side!
Of course, as she learns how to play the Bravo game, Alexis is also learning how to keep the media buzzing. Will she or won't she? Alexis is staying mum about whether she'll be returning for another season of RHOC. This all sounds strangely reminiscent, doesn't it?
If you're not watching Tamra's OC Wedding (and chances are, you're not), you still can't get away from it! Tamra Barney, the self-proclaimed "hottest housewife," is banking on that determination while sharing more about her wedding planning insanity…namely why frenemies Gretchen Rossi and Alexis Bellino made an appearance at her big day. Duh! Paycheck by Bravo!
Speaking to the Wet Paint, Tamra shares why she chose Heather Dubrow and Vicki Gunvalson as bridesmaids, saying, "Heather and I are really close. We have been from the minute we met each other. Vicki and I go up and down, but we always seem to make up. I couldn’t imagine her not being up there with me."
It's like Gone With the Wind Weave! The ladies of Real Housewives of Atlanta seem to have the same money-making plans in mind…perhaps they are taking a page from the playbook of former co-star "Close your legs to married men, WIG!" Kim Zolciak!
Not only has Porsha Stewart announced a new faux hair line called "Naked," now everyone's favorite one-upper has jumped into the hair-product-world-launching-gig (it's a real thing!) as well. You know that Kenya Moore is all about stealing some thunder–and some spotlight! Team Twirl, y'all!
After the bachelor party hijinks, Tamra figures the best way to continue emasculating her future husband with dance lessons. Tamra shouldn't be dancing. To be honest, I went to get a yogurt during this scene and didn't feel like reliving it so I plowed forward.
Later, Tamra is going to shop for bridesmaids dresses, and Vicki Gunvalson is a no show. Heather Dubrow and Ricky (and some other Bravo extra) are joining her, and Heather realizes she shouldn't be surprised that Tamra doesn't know the difference between blush, cream, ivory, and buff. Who cares? Tamra has plenty of time to find her perfect bridesmaids' dresses. The wedding is two weeks away, which is like an eternity in Bravo-land. The limo pulls up to the elite boutique, and Tamra has flashbacks of her many tequila-soaked vacays to Tijuana. Refusing to get out of the car, Tamra calls Diann screaming about the hideous thrift store. Thankfully, Diann is a bitch-whisperer and she's able to calm Tamra with coos of pricier frocks from the poor woman in the extended stay who designed for Alexis Couture. Thank goodness!
What's that you say? She's biffles with Real Housewives of Atlanta'sNeNe Leakes? Well, that explains it! Laura will be making an appearance in the upcoming wedding series I Dream of NeNe as one of the Neenster's bridesmaids. Not shockingly, she's talking all about her experience!