The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Return of the Famemonster

If there’s anything to be learned from last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Atlanta, it is that Kim Zolciak seriously missed her calling as a comedienne. I mean seriously as some of the comments coming out of Kim’s mouth can only be described as pure comedy. A few of the more memorable quotes below –

  • “There’s a part of Phaedra that I actually like but she does lie. That’s a problem.”
  • “Papa never cheated on me.”
  • “I never really stopped [singing]. I just said I wanted to be a one hit wonder over and over again.”

With that said, let’s get right to the recap! The episode begins with Phaedra and Apollo at home as Phaedra is planning yet another country party. This time around, it’s a “Sip and See,” and no I’ve never heard of that in my life either. Phaedra then goes on to fill Apollo in on her recent conflict with Kim though in Phaedra’s delusional world, any negative comment made about her can only stem from jealousy or hating rather. “We command a lot of attention because look at us, we are attractive people. We are doing well and unfortunately, people are not happy for other people’s success in Atlanta. Haterville,” states the always insightful one. The Nidas decide the best way to deal with the Kim drama is to invite her to the Sip and See circus.


Next we see Cynthia and her fiance Peter as they discuss the issue of keeping Peter’s restaurant Uptown going. Peter reveals the restaurant is in serious trouble and we discover that Cynthia invested a lot of her own money into the place. Cynthia feels it’s time for Peter to sell the restaurant and move on, rather than sink with the failing business venture. Peter sees things differently and disagrees.

It’s the day of the Sip and See extravaganza and like every other boughetto event in Atlanta, Dwight‘s grubby little fingerprints are involved in this of course. Host Dwight rings his wine glass to introduce the royal family of Atlanta. Queen Elizabeth who? Phaedra makes her grand entrance with poor baby Ayden, making it clear this is a Sip and See, not to be mistaken with a Sip and Touch, as she announces baby Ayden is off limits. Kim, who will without a doubt be late to her own funeral someday, finally shows up in her wig, shades and stripper black dress. “She’s like Jessica Rabbit gone bad,” states Phaedra in her interview. Kim compliments Phaedra’s baby boy on being pretty, but this isn’t news to Phaedra. “I guess every mother says that their baby is beautiful, but my baby is really beautiful,” affirms Phaedra. Hmm mmm.

Back at the Sip and Sh*t, Phaedra decides to invite Kim outside to try to clear the air. Kim brings up being a nurse and bam! She springs out her nursing certificate which proves she was indeed a LPN, though not a Registered Nurse as she lied about claimed on the last episode. Phaedra fills Kim in on the back story of she and Apollo and Kim seems to get a better understanding of their relationship.

Kim then gives us her first comedic quote of the episode – “There’s a part of Phaedra that I actually like but she does lie. That’s a problem,” says Kim in her interview. And yet again I wonder why these two are not BFFs. Though I must say I was actually impressed with the way both ladies were able to move past their drama.

We see Kim as she prepares to go on tour with Kandi and as usual, the wiggy monster is being awful to her long suffering assistant Sweetie, who for some reason as lasted on this job for over a day. Sweetie’s or fat ass’s, as Kim prefers to call her, task of the day is to inject Kim with a B-12 injection. According to Kim, this is to help her cope with being on tour, trying to lose weight the lazy way, or some other crap.

It is now time for Kim to break the news to her kids that she will going on tour for a week though Kim’s youngest daughter Ariana doesn’t seem too bothered by the news. “I mean, you’re not even that famous,” highlariously states Ariana. Andy Cohen, TLC network, somebody, please get this girl a spin-off show asap or a nice foster family so she can have a shot at a normal childhood! Kim then proceeds to break the sad news to her eldest daughter Brielle who also doesn’t seem distraught. Me thinks Brielle and Ariana are used to having Mommy run around the country chasing after married men. However, when Kim reveals that Sweetie is coming along with her for the tour, Brielle loses it! Not even Kim can ignore the fact that her daughter is mostly distraught over her assistant and I’m guessing second mommy leaving for a week, and not her. In watching this scene again, I can’t help but laugh. A tad sad and quite funny that Sweetie’s absence is the reason for Brielle’s break down. Speaks volumes.

It’s the first day of the tour and Kandi and Kim are in Charlotte. During a radio interview, Kim reiterates again that she always wanted to be a one hit wonder, just over and over again. And oh yeah, Kandi also said some stuff about her music career or something. Following the interview, we see Kim and Kandi meet up with Kandi’s assistant/tour manager Don Juan, who unlike Sweetie, actually has a voice, some pride, self worth, and self respect to go along with his self esteem.

Don Juan is a straight shooter with the fame monster, and she is not feeling it as she whines and complains about the tour schedule. And is it just me or did Don Juan seem to take some sick pleasure in talking down to Kim? Fun to watch though. Perfect karma for Kim for the way she treats Sweetie.

The ladies enter the bus and Kandi seems contempt as she knows the routine. Kim on the other hand is a whole other ball game. “This won’t even fit my body,” whines Kim as she immediately steps on the bus. Uh uh, not even going to touch that one. Don Juan attempts to make light of the situation by jumping into Kim’s bed, that is until Kim decides to say something ignorant. Something I suspect might be equivalent to Phaedra’s Canfoodgate. Kim instructs Don Juan to get his “nappy ass” out of her bed. No words. In her interview, Kim compares the tour bus to a motel 6, though the tour bus actually looks nice for tour bus standards.

Kim then goes on to take a pee, but not before instructing Sweetie to hold the door open for her because she’s claustrophobic. The shenanigans don’t end there as Kim attempts to make a deal with the bus driver.” Between me and you, I’m okay with you drinking if it allows me to smoke.” “That’s a deal,” replies Danny the driver twice. He is joking right? Surely, he’s joking. He had to have been joking, right?

Nene arrives to Jermaine Durpi’s studio for her big celebrity interview. And no, Janet Jackson wasn’t around, JD was the big interview. Nene brings along her youngest son Brent because it’s important for Brent to see her being an independent woman. Allrighty. “I was born to do this,” declares Nene. “He’s mad short, like he is a little munchkin,” states Nene in her interview about her first impression of Jermaine. Always nice to insult your interview subject behind their back. This should surely help Nene secure more celebrity interviews in the future.

The interview begins and Nene keeps asking yes or no questions which keep getting her yes or no answers from Jermaine. One would think after about the 3rd yes or no answer, Nene would switch it up, but she does not. “I didn’t do a whole lot of research, maybe I should have,” admits Nene in her interview after asking Jermaine a few inaccurate questions. Nene then makes a joke, at the expense of her on-again friend Kim and that seems to help open up the lines of communication. Jermaine opens up a bit and the interview ends well.

We then get to see a funny scene with Sheree and Phaedra as they discuss “donkey booties” and “reindeer booties.” I found this scene hilarious. Must say Phaedra is funny and pleasant when she’s not busy lying or trying to be a prim and proper Southern Belle.

Back in Charlotte, Kim and Kandi decide to visit the Thirsty Beaver bar. As they talk to the bar owner, he makes a funny when he states it was either the Thirsty Beaver or the Horny Hippo. Don Juan then makes an inappropriate joke when he states they would be naming it after Kim if they used the Horny Hippo. Very inappropriate joke especially coming from an assistant but funny because it’s more bad karma for Kim.

The topic turns to Kim’s image and Don Juan takes another shot at her when he states the new song, ‘The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” is kind of risque because it deals with infidelity or something that didn’t really make much sense, other than the clear intent to diss Kim.

Kim tries to play dumb about the comments and then goes on to say the most ridiculous quote in Housewives history. “He never cheated on me,” says Kim much to the surprise of Kandi or any other living human being watching the show with a functioning brain cell. “Papa never cheated on me,” repeats Kim. “For her to say out of her mouth in front of everybody that Papa never cheated on me? Let’s be real. Are you being delusional right now?” states Kandi in her interview. Kim decides she’s had enough of the abuse and snatches Sweetie out of the room to go smoke a cigarette.

Cynthia and Peter decide to get some counseling and who better to invite than a non certified celebrity to come help destroy their relationship. Hill Harper hands them copies of his book about relationships, and then asks them to highlight questions they want to ask each other. A question they both agree on is one about money. A touchy subject for both parties. The issue of Uptown and Cynthia’s investment is brought up again and boy o boy, the argument quickly goes from a 0 to a dangerous level 10. As the two yell and argue, Hill Harper looks stunned and well in over his head. He tries to interrupt the argument but is unsuccessful.

Judging by Hill’s reaction to the couple’s fight, it’s pretty apparent he is about as qualified as Doctor Tiy-E Muhammad when it comes to couple’s counseling. While his books might be helpful and insightful, he is going to end up breaking up some relationships and marriages if he continues his attempt to play counselor. Eventually, the two calm down though Cynthia isn’t quite ready to make nice yet.

Back to Charlotte, it’s hours before the first tour performance and Kandi’s family members arrive to show their support while Kim receives some lovely flowers from her boyfriend/current sperm donor Kroy. While Kim gets loud and ready with the help of her hair dresser Derek J, Kandi sits quietly with a passive aggressive pout. It is now Kandi’s turn to get her hair done and Kim heads out of the tour bus to smoke and drink. While some artists do voice exercises before a performance, Kim chain smokes and drinks alcohol.

It’s time to hit the stage and Kim actually does a decent job with her performance and pre-recorded vocals. Following her performance, Kim introduces Kandi who proceeds to take the stage. “Walking out to a full house is one of the best feelings in the world,” states Kandi as Bravo pans the a view of a half empty club. Kandi does an a cappella performance to open the show, before proceeding with a more upbeat song. The crowd seems to love both performances and the 1st leg of the tour is a success.

Next week’s episode looks to be epic as Kim and Nene will get into yet another huge fight. Also, it seems the Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion show is scheduled to film tomorrow. Will bring you more details about that later on this week.