Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: The Joys of Motherhood

Well, the holidays have finally ended on Real Housewives of New Jersey, so that means the housewives can just get down to the business of being their normal ridiculous, crazy, over-the-top selves without Jesus’ birthday or New Years Invitation issues or friendsgivings to distract us from the real problems at hand – Ashley. Yep, this episode was all about everyone’s favorite House-child: Ashley “The Hat” Holmes, but luckily it seems her days on Franklin Lake soil are limited!

Things begin with Teresa announcing she is putting that whole bankruptcy fiasco behind her (too bad, the worst of that is only yet to come) and focusing on the future– most specifically her newest cookbook, for which she is hosting a family photoshoot, sans, of course, her brother. Teresa mentions that what’s important to her is: “good food, good sex, expensive stuff she can’t afford, fame-whoring, starting drama, and family and friends.” After several mild meltdowns from children and husband, the shoot wraps. I wonder if Papa Giudice’s wine was on hand for the crew – because they definitely needed it!


At Kathy’s, she is worried about her girl becoming a woman and wants to have the birds and the bees talk with Victoria – but Richie isn’t ready to discuss SSSS-E-X with his sweet innocent princess. Kathy knows since Victoria inherited the “party gene,” they better prepare her for the way of the world – i.e. high school boys and their one-track mind. Rich insists Victoria is totes not going to have sex, because Creepy Moment Alert!: she’s going to imagine his face on any boy she’s with. Despite Kathy’s insistence that things have changed since they were in high school and 3rd base meant French Kissing and a little over the clothes heavy petting, Rich doesn’t understand how since its all the same parts! Oh Richie…

Jacqueline, Chris, Lauren, Albie, Ashley, and Mister Greg are visiting Christopher at his new place of employment – the local bar where he works, not for tips but for Toy Story On Demand. Hey, who doesn’t like Buzz and Woody? Ashley is of course, be-hatted and beside herself that she, alas, cannot have a drink cause she’s only 20 – so close, yet so far away… Jacqueline explains all Ashley cares about is partying – but what about her art? Albie teases Ashley about turning 21 and already being soooo over getting wasted! While at the bar, Ashely receives a surprise – her biological father, Matt and her step-mom!

Ashley is genuinely elated to see them, but her dad isn’t there just to catch up with his darling daughter, as Jacqueline reveals, she actually invited them to stage an intervention of sorts. Ashley, would rather hang out, because she isn’t interested in people telling her how much they love her – that’s scary. The Manzos reveal they think Ashley’s dad is on the same page as them – as in being chronically annoyed with Ashley’s immaturity- and that he’s hot (he is?). The intervention is scheduled during brunch since Ashley’s late-night partying isn’t compatible with getting up early.

Melissa chats with her sisters about her sister-in-law. Melissa recounts in her awesome, perfect, Lois Griffin Teresa voice, how Teresa snubbed her singing aspirations and the studio Joe built for her. Melissa, describes how she was the bigger person (which may or may not be true given the recent Danielle debacle), since she was supportive of Teresa’s cookbook, even though they aren’t her recipes and she doesn’t really enjoy cooking – she’s just making a living off it. I guess it’s only ok for Melissa to use Bravo as a promotional platform, but whatevs – potato, potahtho.

Changing the subject Melissa’s sisters reveal their cousin visited a medium who spoke to their father and he wants Melissa to know that starring in a trashy reality TV show where she fights with her family, throws embarrassingly huge parties in the name of Jesus and releases a kinda ok single is going to be very successful so just stay true to who she is and it will be big. Despite the fact that she doesn’t talk to “medians” and doesn’t necessarily believe in them, Melissa feels her father really was channeled – by a median.

The Caroline and Lauren have a heart to heart about weight loss, while Caroline empties her closet of thousands of dollars in designer duds she no longer fits into. Bitch!! Lauren is frustrated that she cannot lose weight despite trying a million different diets. Caroline is empathetic to her daughter’s plight, given that all the Manzos do is eat. Lauren seems so disheartened and thinks she’ll never feel good about the way she looks – even if she DOES lose all the weight! Caroline encourages Lauren and reminds her of her positives – it was actually very sweet and genuine. Awww… I kinda got emotional during RHoNJ – this is when you know your life has reached a low point…

At Jacqueline’s she’s making dinner while Ashley loafs around. Jacs laments that while she is glad Ashley respects her father so much, she is hurt by the lack of respect Ashley has for her, given all the work she’s put into raising her. After asking Ashley if she can help baby-sit, Ashley suddenly remembers she has to go… Out. Yeah, just out to do … stuff. See, Ashley’s problem is she just has a busy social life and that prevents her from helping out around the house, baby-sitting, being decent to her parents, having a job, or going to school. She’s so busy socializing she just needs a break, so she’s going to move to California so she can focus on herself for a while and get away from toxic relationships. See, call me crazy but I think Ashley’s problem lies in the fact that she focuses on herself too much and moving to another state doesn’t change the fact that the most toxic person in her life is her and she can’t really escape that!

Kathy takes her daughter, Victoria prom dress shopping and it’s veeerry important that her clothes send the message that she only wants to meet Albie nice boys with no interest in sex. Sadly, everything Victoria likes sends the wrong message and is tight, tacky, and sequined; as Nina Garcia would say: “It’s a matter of taste.” Kathy chooses this awkward moment to drop the sex talk, bringing back horrible flash-backs of my mom lecturing me on how “nice Southern girls” behave at the prom – i.e. stay in the front seat! Things have, obviously, gotten a little fancier since my day, as apparently now the concern is appropriate party bus protocol! Party Bus?! In high school?! Perhaps Kathy is worried Victoria might turn into Ashley or something…

Melissa aka Jesus Jersey Midge is meeting with her record producers, and showing off her new fancy studio. Everyone is impressed with the money Joe put into building it, so she better use it often so he can make the dollars back. Melissa gushes that if “On Display” becomes a big hit (*sigh*) she’ll use the proceeds for charitable donations to buy her husband anything he wants. Even a pony. Or a mechanical bull. After a few lascivious comments, Melissa hops into the booth and is too nervous to sing, and is sounding like Kim Zolciak. Is that what the problem was? Nerves? Joe’s encouraging advice: make it sexier, turn him on, pretend the mic is him and make-out with it. Eventually Jesus Jersey Midge garbles out some lyrics about paparazzi and people wanting her to fall. Of course, no crappily written single would be complete without properly thanking Jesus. Oh, and her husband of course!

In order to help Lauren achieve her weight loss goal, The Caroline and her boys, plus Jacs accompany her to a kickboxing lesson with a scary man-tank wearing instructor. Jacqueline is a great workout partner, but The Caroline, not so much. While everyone else exercised to the point of puking or something, The Caroline stood around with good hair, drinking water. Hey, I feel her – exercise sucks and seriously, did her hair not look great there? Sadly, Lauren’s work-out was interrupted when Albie’s roommate, Greg flashed his pasty man marbles. A little advice, Lauren – don’t seek out what you don’t want to find! Stop looking up Greg’s shorts!

Ashley’s brunch from hell, aka intervention, has finally arrived and surprise, surprise – she’s late! While waiting for her, the ‘rents discuss all the ways in which Ashley’s life is a big ol’ hot mess – including that she failed out of community college. When Jacs brings up Ashley’s latest scheme to move to California, Ashley’s dad, Matt discloses she sent him a text announcing her move and asking if he was going to finance it? HAHA! Shouldn’t she be directing that text to Andy Cohen or something? Chris’ joking suggestion for righting unruly not-quite still teenagers, is everyone taking Ash in a room and giving her a good a** whooping. While I, in no way, condone violence – he may have a point.

When Ashley finally arrives, looking like Lindsay Lohan (and apparently those two have more in common than bad hat choices and Kim G.) everyone is ready for her – Jacqueline graciously agrees to start and immediately asks Ashley what her plans are? And she has a completely new one from last week! Then it was art, now all of the sudden it’s make-up. She wants to go to beauty school, cause she’s young and wants to live in California for the experience. Chris brings up that Ashley has no way of financing this trip, and calls BS on her claims to have money saved for living expenses.

Ashley is incredibly lucky she has four really caring, supportive, and sensible parents in her life who do love her and want her success – and sadly she is just unwilling to get her priorities straight. Ashley gets defensive and comments that nothing she does is good enough – I mean she had a job for like four hours a day and at least she didn’t have a kid at twenty like some people (psst Jacqueline). Ashley’s dad suggests she just act like she gives a sh*t about someone besides herself, but unfortunately too little too late.

After Ashley’s comments about Jacqueline getting pregnant at her age, the brunchervention dissolves into Jacqueline yelling at Ashley for being lazy and disrespectful and Ashley, whining, arguing back and starting to cry – basically the same thing we’ve been watching for three seasons. Jacqueline announces she wants Ashley out of her house and leaves the table. Yikes!

While the dads lay down the law, poor Jacqueline is bawling in the back of the restaurant and darn! – I actually teared up again! Poor Jacqueline – I really feel for her. Jacqueline is so emotional about her relationship with her daughter and places blame on herself for all of Ashley’s problems. Personally I feel her problems are probably magnified by the fact that they allowed her to be on a reality tv show, which allowed her ego to go crayzee. When Chris comes over to console his wife, they decide they are done with Ashley and that it’s her dad’s turn to deal with her! Texas here comes Eyebrows! Until next week … Jersey Wishes and Hoboken Dreams!

Next Week: The Ashley dramz continues and Jacqueline is serious about her moving out! Teresa’s bankruptcy case is determined and Teresa and Melissa get into it about who is telling the truth regarding the infamous Gorgadice feud!

So, Thoughts on the Ashley drama? Was it nice to get a break from the Melissa/Teresa feud? Is Kathy over-reacting about Victoria?