Don’t Be Tardy For the Hot Mess…ohhh oh ohhh!  It’s that time…Kim Zolciak and her wigs man Kroy Biermann are making it official with the premiere of Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding.

The first episode starts with Kim discussing her future with baby K.J., showing him her bling and expressing her worries about making things happen in time for the perfect wedding date:  11.11.11.  Kim is the first to admit that Kroy is a saint for putting up with her.  Super true!  Her rationale for the wedding date falls short of a tarot reader beating her over the head with a giant cornucopia.  Kroy is unsure how he’s going to swing Kim’s dream wedding during football season.  Kim won’t hear it–her first wedding happened on the beach in Destin, lasted ninety days, and (gasp!) there was no reception.


Kroy is a bit frightened when Kim proposes a $600K wedding budget.  Get used to it, buddy!  I want so know what is wrong with this dude.  He seems super grounded and normal, yet he’s so patient with Krazy Kim.  I am beyond confused.  Kim asks her stylist to work her magic on the entire wedding party, but the stylist is horrified about the time frame.  They have two months to make this circus happen.  Kim has a wedding dress that she saw eons ago at some store…she wants her stylist to find it and recreate it for her nuptials.  That’s not hard!  I don’t see what the big deal is…

Kim wants Colin Cowie to do her wedding, but yet her wig is so huge that you can’t get all her facial expressions.  She wants to bring Montana to Atlanta to appease Kroy.  It’s Montlanta, y’all!  Kim is peeved that her mother wants to be in on the Colin Cowie meeting, as her mother is totally starstruck by the celebrity planner.  It’s obvious that Colin hates he somehow signed his life over to Bravo and is forced to plan this fiasco.  Kim gives Colin a tour of the rented property while her mother follows behind dressed as if she’s about to ring in 1998.  One minor detail that Kim overlooked when planning to wed in “her” backyard is that she doesn’t want people entering her home.  I guess guests will be scaling the privacy fence so they won’t have to darken Kim’s foyer.

Jen, Kim’s matron of honor, arrives for a visit.  Kim reveals that Jen is her BFF who has been with her for every single thing she’s ever done, but we viewers wouldn’t know that because Jen hates the limelight.  Or maybe she just kind of dislikes it, because she seems fine being on this series.  Kim shares a major find with her friend.  Her dream wedding gown is up for auction.  Kim isn’t one to wear used clothing, but the girl who wore it first seems totally rich and pretty and normal.  Paypal!  In discussing Kroy’s groom’s cake with Jen, she manages to get in a dig where she compares a moose to NeNe.  Oh, Kim!  You’re hilar!

Kim shops for Kroy’s wedding band, and it’s sure to be all kinds of tacky fabulous.  The jeweler is confused to learn that Kim doesn’t think $50K for a wedding band is expensive.  Kim could not care less about price as long as every Kim wannabe groupie from Atlanta to Alaska can tell that Kroy is taken.  Kim takes some time to discuss her wedding plans with Brielle and Ariana. The girls give some very canned commentary on how wonderful Kroy is for their mother.  Brielle warns all her future suitors to take note. Kim shares her wedding plans with her daughters before pushing Ariana into the pool.  When Kim reminisces about her first wedding, Brielle is quick to remind her mother that she was present for that ceremony as well.

All’s well that ends well for a new series that premieres two episodes on the same night.  On round two of this debacle, Kim discusses weight gain and potential cosmetic surgery with baby K.J. How ever will she fit in her used size 2 wedding gown?  Kroy’s trainer is trying to whip Kim into shape.  He keeps nervously laughing and looking sideways to the cameramen, wondering when his Bravo paycheck will arrive.  She can’t honestly be exercising in that hairilacious wig, can she?  She has to be sweating off major calories just by having it on her head!  There’s an obscene scene with a yoga ball, but I’ll spare you the details.

Kim takes her mother shopping for a mother of the bride dress.  She thinks that her mother’s obsession with what she wears is annoying.  Kim must step in to make sure her mother doesn’t look like an idiot going down the aisle.  Kim ignores her mother in lieu of finding veils that Kroy would like to see her in naked.  Poor Kim’s mom…she just can’t catch a break.  Kim hates every dress that her mother dons.  Lounging on a chaise in the bridal shop, Kim calls in her stylist for reinforcement.  Kim prays to Jesus that her mother will come to her senses.  Jesus replies that he has more important things to do…like help me get through this recap.

Look out, NYC!  Kim is heading to the Big Apple to find the perfect reception dress with her girls and her stylist.  Kim has somehow managed to convince Ariana that it’s a trip for her youngest daughter’s birthday.  Kim is devastated to be leaving K.J. for the first time…although she refuses to cry as she doesn’t want to have to redo her make-up.  She dabs some Bounty paper towels to her fake eyelashes and treks on for the greater good:  sexy dress.

In a very rare Bravo/TLC crossover, Kim has Kleinfeld’s come to her for a special Pnina gown showing.  She sends her daughters out shopping so they won’t be tempted to tell step-dad Kroy what Kim’s dress looks like.  Kim wants her girls on high display, and what’s so wrong with spending $18K on a reception dress.  Would Kim like to donate to my student loan fund while she’s setting all this money on fire?  She tries on a twenty thousand dollar lace jumpsuit (yes, you read that right…JUMPSUIT), complete with side boob and camel toe that will be the perfect after-the-reception-dress-reception-outfit.

Kroy is bonding with K.J. He seems so stupid sincere in everything he does.  Seriously, I really like Kroy.  Ariana’s birthday is celebrated in New York, but lest we forget that it’s also Kim’s reception dress rodeo.  Ariana receives a Tiffany bauble for sacrificing her big day to watch her mom request side boob measurements at bridal shops.  Everyone is in ugly cry mode.  Mothers and their daughters, right?

Next week, Kim’s psychic warns her that Kroy’s family isn’t on board with the nuptials.


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