Cue the crusade music, Emily Maynard and her final three are off to Curacao for the final leg of this Bachelorette journey. It feels like Ricki should be heading off to college by now, doesn’t it? Emily lists her favorite things about her final three: Jef HolmArie Luyendyk, Jr., and Sean Lowe.

Sean is strong, funny, and sensitive.  Emily thinks he’d be a great father figure to Ricki.  Jef has style.  Jef is kind and thoughtful, with a great sense of humor.  Emily feels as if Jef gets her like no one else ever has.

Emily’s favorite things about Arie are his upper lip, his bottom lip, and his tongue.  Emily cries when she thinks about Arie.  Is it because she knows he’s the one or because she knows he’s not the one and she’s already mourning those kisses?


Emily’s first date in Curacao is with Sean.  Emily loves seeing Sean.  She says his smile and face “just light up” when he sees her.  She thinks he’s happy to see her.  Really, he’s just greasy.  Sean is the only bachelor who hasn’t professed his love for Emily, and this quickly becomes the sole focus of their date.

Emily and Sean take a helicopter to a private island.  That would be an island “in the middle of the ocean,” explains Emily.  Instead of those islands that are inland, I guess.  The sun isn’t kind to either Sean or Emily.  Sean is getting crispier by the minute and the bright sun really brings out the plastic additions to Emily’s probably once naturally beautiful face.

Emily grills Sean about his past relationships.  Sean’s family told her that he has a habit of treating his girlfriends like buddies. Sean has trouble expressing his emotions.  As they talk, Sean heads in the direction of “I love you” but takes a detour and ends up with “crazy for you” and “I forgot what I was going to say.”

At dinner, Sean shares a letter he wrote to Ricki.  His voice cracks as he reads it.  Sean says the hometown date really confirmed things for him, and he finally tells Emily that he loves her.

Emily presents Sean with the fantasy suite invitation.  Sean says he’d love the chance to stay up with Emily… to talk, of course.  Emily and Sean kiss in the hot tub.  Perhaps all the talking happened when the cameras weren’t rolling? Emily’s head and heart bicker back and forth over whether Sean should stay the night.  In the end, Emily takes back the invitation to spend the night, because she’s a mom.

Jef’s date is next.  Jef 100% plans to propose to Emily, but he’s fully aware that there are two other guys still in the mix. Emily’s biggest fear is whether Jef’s family likes her well enough. The brothers and sisters like Emily so much, they convince Jef’s parents, who have not met Emily, that she’s the bee’s knees. Jef thinks Emily is the most beautiful amazing girl in the world.

Jef asks Emily real questions.  “Where would you want to live?” Emily likes the idea of starting a completely new life in a new location. “You’re an amazing girl who probably attracts amazing guys, what are you missing?  Why hasn’t love happened for you yet?”  The guys Emily has dated were missing.. “that thing.. you know what I’m saying,” is basically her answer.  Emily asks Jef the same question.  He says has dated some amazing women but he hasn’t been able to see the end goal with any of them.  He can see that end with Emily, which excites him.  “Do you want to play with my wood… puppet again?”  Okay, he didn’t really ask that question.  “You know Ricki better than anyone and you know me pretty well, do you think I’m a good fit for her?”  Emily can picture Jef in her and Ricki’s life.

Jef talks like a walking Hallmark card.  Saying stuff like, “The sun is setting here in Curacao, but for me and Emily, our whole life together is just beginning.”

Emily presents the invitation to the fantasy suite.  Jef turns down the invitation out of respect for Ricki and his own family. Jef says,”There is a time and a place for everything, and now is the time to bridle these passions.”

Much like Sean’s date, Emily and Jef visit the fantasy suite simply to kiss.

The last date is with Arie.  Arie says he fell in love with Emily on their very first date.  He, too, is ready to propose.  “I’m so excited to have a whole day with Arie and just focus on him,” Emily says.  She means to focus on his tongue, I’m sure.  Emily and Arie are going swimming with dolphins.  Emily clarifies, “ the dolphins right in the middle of the ocean.”  Again, I assume she means as opposed to dolphins that are inland.

Emily talks about how much she loves kissing Arie.  If they stop talking, it’s to kiss.  If they never start talking, it’s because they’re kissing.  If they get married, it’ll be to kiss.  Pretty much, all Emily talks about it how awesome it is to kiss Arie.

If Emily doesn’t choose Arie, she needs to eat crow.  Emily ripped Brad Womack apart after their season, because she was mortified by how Brad could say he loved her while being attracted to and kissing on Chantal.

Emily wants to know what Arie does on a Tuesday morning.  He sleeps until 9 am.  Oops.  Wrong answer says the single mom’s death glare.  He tries 6:30 am.  Oops. Wrong again.

Emily is hoping to find someone who will love Ricki like his own.  Arie believes that relationship should be slow, starting as friends and building that trust first. Emily is impressed by Arie’s answer.

Emily does not offer Arie the fantasy suite invitation.  She says it’s because she doesn’t trust herself around Arie’s hotness, which I don’t doubt, but I suspect she also knows he won’t give the “right” answer.

Leading into the Rose Ceremony, Emily sits down with Chris Harrison to sniffle and almost cry over the decision she’s facing. Emily sees good and happy lives with each of the guys. Emily shows very little emotion while watching the video messages from Sean, Jef, and Arie.  She looks like she’s going to vomit the whole time.  The only hint of a smile came while watching Jef’s video.

The first rose goes to Jef. Arie looks broken up.  Sean just looks like a lobster. After the most dramatic pause ever, the second rose goes to Arie. The lobster starts to twitch.  Emily walks Sean out, sits down on a bench, sniffles, and stares at him.  Sean is completely blindsided.

Sean saw Emily that night and thought, “that’s my wife.” He’s leaving alone, feeling sad and stupid. Sean’s parting gift is a bottle of aloe.

Meanwhile, Emily is still sniffling on the bench, sitting in her ugly fishtail skirt, ribbed tank top, and fake ponytail.

Next week is the Men Tell All special.  The season finale will air Sunday, July 22, followed by the live After the Rose special. The previews for the drama-filled finale lead us to believe that Emily walks away alone.  The spoilers suggest she leaves the island engaged. I can hardly stand the suspense. Actually, I can, but I am dying to know, did Emily’s boobs get bigger in Curacao?  Is it just me?