Real Housewives of Miami Recap: Social Studies

Last night on Real Housewives of Miami, the battle lines were drawn as the women divided into three groups: The Nasty Nicies, The Above The Dramas, and The Something To Proves. I'll let you do the sorting over who goes where since it doesn't require very much brain power. 

Things begin with a heart-to-heart on the beach between Romain Zago and Joanna Krupa. Could it get anymore romance movie than that? Two attractive people, strolling side-by-side, the tension is palpable, Romain is concerned: is Joanna drinking too much? She's embarrassed them both and he has no idea what's wrong with her! Joanna is mildly defensive, but mostly empathetic. Oh – and she so doesn't have a drinking problem! 

Then Adriana de Moura comes on to the scene. Romain decides this is the perfect moment to tell Joanna that Adriana was throwing herself at him. Joanna is aghast. How unclassy. And she would know; she's read Class With The Countess cover to cover at least five times. Joanna sniffs that Romain can have Adriana – plenty of other men will take her. Romain is like 'Oh yeah? I mean you used to be an escort, oh, I mean allegedly! And you're out-of-control when you're drunk. And you've got Marta always around. Me on the other hand… "catch" is my middle name.' 


Speaking of Adriana an artist she respects will be taking some pictures of her – and he wants them to be nude. Adriana arrives, huge curler attached to her head like a third eye, and she's ready for her close-up. At first he shoots her fully clothed and then he asks her to go topless. Fiance Frederic is like 'woo hoo!' Adriana pretends to have some reservations, but I think it was all for show because after 5 minutes of unconvincing chatter she yanks off her shirt and is like, 'Here they are! They're fake and they're fabulous!'

Adriana claims she felt awkward at first and if that was Adriana being awkward, I certainly do not need to experience Adriana feeling completely comfortable. Rein check forever, please!

Over at Karent Sierra's house she is having a touching chat with her mom about the long-term prognosis of her relationship with the ever evasive Rodolfo. Karent is in it to win it with this one, so she's willing to wait forever, and ever, and ever, and ever… Which seems like it's just what Rodolfo wants!

Karent admits they once broke-up for six months over where their relationship was headed. Apparently during that time she was depressed and her mother hated him. Karent blames Rodolfo's busy schedule as an international superstar for the reasons things are at a standstill. She continues defending him with her delusional musings and that vacant frozen smile with nothing behind the eyes. Karent wants kids, but her life apparently operates on Rodolfo's schedule. Which hasn't penciled her in very much as of late! Just so you know, these two are a very, very solid couple. 

Next we get another heart-to-heart scene and it sort of bothers me that this was inappropriately shoved in there, because it's sad and serious and does not deserve to be lamely inserted nonsense drama. 

Lisa Hochstein and husband Lenny have been trying to conceive for three years. Lisa reveals she's suffered several miscarriages. They've been to the doctor several times – and clearly there is more going on than they are willing to reveal on camera (completely understandable) – and nothing is working. Lenny is frustrated by the situation. Lisa wonders if he blames her. He doesn't, but it's stressful for him. I hope things work out. 

Moving on to some classic Housewives, Adriana's portrait, Pandora's Box, is being displayed in an art show. Witnessing the unveiling of the next classic are Lea Black and Karent. Karent is wearing a very ill-advised beige top with a white suit, which looks amiss. Also amiss are her social skills. Lea and Adriana decide she is socially awkward and tries too hard. Wasn't Adriana defending her to the moon last week?

At the opening, Lea is dismissive, like 'oh that's it – one tiny crappy looking shot of you in a dress? Gotta go!' Lea continues to make snide comments and side-eye Karent like she has the plague. Karent meanwhile chats up the artist and solicits him to take her picture. She's very photogenic you know, just ask the Pope of Art!

So Adriana's religious deity is present and she falls all over him kissing his feet and begging for a photo. Karent, not exactly sure what's going on but sensing she's in the presence of some form of celebrity, asks for a photo too. Then she tweets it out immediately. And this my friends is a serious SERIOUS faux pas! He is Adriana's pope – and Adriana's alone! And Karent has opened Pandora's Box. 

Apparently Adriana owns the rights to the first tweet. Apparently Adriana simply cannot believe that before she even got to deliver this touched by greatest moment to the mecca to her followers, Karent has "beat her to the tweet." And if I had a shot for every time I heard that last night, I'd be drunker than Joanna at Mynt! Yes, yes – Karent beat Adriana to the tweet and this is a serious offense. 

It seems this is just another instance of "one-upping" that is dominating the Housewives community as of late. Is this a Bravo-wide decree that all storylines must include a one-upmanship. So in RHOM we have up-tweeting. 

Next we are treated to some Krupa drama. Joanna has been asked to dance at Winterfest , a gay pride event. Joanna was a contestant on DWTS 2 years ago and apparently this has all of Miami believing she can dance like a star. She's stressed out learning her routine and she keeps repeating that she hasn't danced in two years while the instructor is like 'Bitch shut up, shake your sequins and do the steps. We don't care about your problems.'

And Joanna's biggest problem is Marta, hanging out on the side-lines distracting her and telling her how she's screwed up. So what is the deal with Marta? She has no job? Is she seeking TV fame? She needs her own life. She and Joanna keep bickering until the choreographer tells them to shut it and all but orders Marta out. 

Back at Adriana's she has more art drama. She is loaning her Dali to an art compilation in Miami and who is packing this priceless piece of art up? Frederic! "Don't manhandle my Dali," Adriana demands as Frederic jerkily yanks it off the wall. Yeah, I have that problem too. My husband is constantly manhandling my Dalis. #Housewifeproblems

At the exhibit of both Adriana's Dali and a a host of drama, all the ladies are in attendance. Staying home are Karent who obviously was not invited following the Pope of Art up-tweet. Adriana has still not recovered from the slight as she, loudly, tells everyone who would listen about what a bitch Karent is.

Fembot is confused. She thought everyone is supposed to behave like a grasping famewhore, who when confronted with a person of famous identity, must immediately seek association and then demonstrate it on social media. Even if you have no idea who said person is. Isn't that like, normal?

Apparently Fembot is in the minority and Ana Quincoces, Alexia Echevarria, and Lea all see the way of Adriana. Fembot is wise to keep her eyes open and her mouth shut. 

The other drama on the horizon is Elaine Lancaster vs Marysol Patton round forever. Le sigh. Elaine is there, out of drag, but still filled with mayhem. 

Sitting with Lea and Ana, James (aka Elaine) has nothing but complaints about Ms. Marysol, as he accuses her of sabotaging his brand and blackballing him. Alexia calls James out on being rude and leaves the conversation while Ana stays behind to try and defend Marysol. Lea flips her hands as if to say, 'oh well.' 

James is adamant that Marysol is being vindictive. Lea is clearly on James' side and has decided that after last year's Black Gala she has washed her hands with Marysol. Ana thinks Lea should be defending Marysol – or at least speak to her to her face instead of just allowing James to make wild accusations. Lea just sits back, stays out of it, and examines her diamonds. 

Three things: 1) Friendships are strange things. Everyone is always biased to the side of a friend and it's difficult to accept when a friend may be wrong. 2) Ana and Alexia are good friends to Marysol and that is rare in the world of HW. 3) I've figured out Lea. Lea likes to surround herself with high-drama people who will make a lot of chaos,  while she sits back and observes the crazy. She's like a storm chaser. Think about it – she loves Adriana and quickly decided she adored Joanna, and Elaine is her best friend – while she has no use for people like Karent, Fembot, and Marysol. Lea likes to be around people who cause the mayhem so she can make her little jokes and observations and get a laugh. 

Moving along, the art opening was a remix of beat me to the tweets. And that is how the Nasty Nicies, comprised of Lea and Adriana, iced out Karent and Marysol. These girls are dangerous. 

The next day Ana gets together with Marysol to warn her that she's been the continued target of James and by extension Lea, who is no longer willing to give Marysol a reference. Marysol, rocking her day-glo important shirt – could care less. Her reputation speaks for itself and she has no interest in defending herself. Drama is lurking on the horizon with this one. Foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing… 

And also issuing a warning is Fembot. She invited Karent to dinner with her and Joanna and informs her the Nasty Nicies are out to get her. And this means two out of three cliques are now against her. See, the Above The Dramas already took issue with Karent over the treacly Rodolfo situation and now Adriana is ready to beat Karent with the tweets. 

Fembot thinks it is her duty to let Karent know the ladies are against her. Her smile is too expensive to get destroyed in some class warfare. Joanna is surprised by all of this as Lea has been nothing but sweet as honey to her and Ana invited her over for dinner. Fembot and Karent are miffed – how come they didn't get mushroom risotto?

Karent is shocked she is now being targeted for being "too nice." She surmises that Money Can't Buy You Class, and Lisa chimes in that it can buy you an ass! I wonder if the Countess got that memo? Is that how she landed Tomas?

Later the ladies talk relationships and keeping the spark alive. Joanna reveals that something is wrong with Romain who is barely interested in sexytimes. Lisa is shocked – she would jump Joanna's bones in a hot minute. If she were a man that is… 

Over at Ana's she's installed a lock on her closet to keep her daughters out. Haven't we seen this storyline before Bravo? Is this becoming a HW requisite – in every series someone must be locking their daughters out of their closet? Recycling this old hag again? It reeks of producer intervention. I think it's like a standard for someone who is lacking in the drama department. 

Ana is getting ready for Winterfest and she needs a stylist to stuff her into a jersey maxi dress with some bangles. Really? Ok, then. I would have just called Marysol… and raided her closet. 

Anyway, Ana's daughters have lots to say about Rodolfo and his inappropriate sexting to Ana. Apparently he was craving Cuban one day and thought all of Facebook should know. Ana is not craving Mexican. I am, but not the Rodolfo kind. Mmmm… burritos. 

So everyone arrives at Winterfest and the cliques are squaring off. Lea and Adriana start making some comments about Karent and Marysol is trying to stay above the fray. They all are clustered near each other but not really talking. Everyone just preoccupies themselves with wondering where Joanna is. 

Joanna is getting ready and she's having more Romain drama. Apparently at 4:30 am she received a text from someone accusing Romain of making out with one of the dancers from Mynt. Joanna confronts him immediately. He is all sweetness and light as he denies it repeatedly but no one – not Joanna, not Marta, nor I are convinced. 

Romain spends the rest of the day being so overly nice to Joanna it's suspicious. He's telling her how amazing she is and praising her to the hilt and carrying her purse – and Joanna knows something is up. 

Shortly before she takes the stage to perform, Marta calls a powwow with Karent, Lisa, and tells them about the text. I thought that was odd? What was the point other than to create drama. Marta is making it all about her and THEN Karent quickly turns it around to talking about her relationship with Rodolfo and how people are spreading rumors. Um… wait – who has the cheating boyfriend and just found out? Only Fembot had her priorities in line. I'm liking her more and more. 

Joanna  performs and all her worry was for naught because she looks hot and it was fantastic. Then a busy-body gay flashes the audience Fembot's custom built ass and she is only wearing a g-string. She quickly pulls her dress down and looks embarrassed. Everyone is dancing and having a good time. Lea is practically removing Romain's pants with her eyes and Joanna is still greatly suspicious. 

And that's how it ends… Joanna wonders just what is going on in Romain's pants… 

Next Week: Karent gets iced out. 

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