In case you forgot: Erica Gimbel slept with Casey Cohen's boyfriend in high school, and Chanel "Coco" Omari, the bringer togetherer of this group, has invited both of them to the Hamptons for the weekend. They're all adults, so not a big deal, right? Not a chance in hell! Their first dinner ends with Casey at the dinner table, holding her head and sobbing, and Erica in the backyard, puffing away and looking like a regurgitated hair ball.
Casey is clearly cray cray, and Chanel, Ashlee White, and Joey stare at her accordingly. She leaves the room to search for the marbles she has lost but finds Erica instead. Casey takes this opportunity to remind the whore that she has ruined her life. Like, Erica slept with Casey's boyfriend well over ten years ago, and it still consumes her thoughts daily.
My first three thoughts: Where does Andy Cohen find these people? I also cannot figure out why Joey Lauren, a seemingly normal, classy young woman, is friends with them. And I am going to need a lot of wine to get through the rest of the season.
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Casey thinks about what Erica did to her daily. She "remembers that moment" every day. Casey "lives with it" every day. Seriously, Casey? If you spend every day obsessing over a girl who stole your boyfriend when you were 16 years old, you need therapy. If you then assimilate the high school drama to your parent's divorce, you need serious therapy.
Casey goes on to tell Erica that she cannot be fake friends with her when all she wants to do is punch her in the face. Erica, the human bobble head, cries, "I'm not the same person anymore," to which Casey says, "I still don't want to know you." Erica rambles on and on about regrets and apologies. She even reminds Casey that she ruined her prom, saying, "With you sitting there with your prom dress already bought … how embarrassing."
Again, Erica begs Casey to see that she has changed, and Casey says that all she sees is erratic, toxic, unmanageable behavior. Erica, the human chimney, asks Casey to accept her apology. "Sorry isn't good enough," says Casey. "I have problems with relationships now because of this. I'm going to be affected probably for the rest of my life." Obviously, this is going nowhere faster than Erica is losing her good looks, so they go back into the house, to finish dinner.
Next, Erica apologizes for being a d–khead in high school, or her entire life if that's the case, and then Amanda Bertoncini and Jeff finally arrive. Amanda immediately spies Erica's tear-stained face and starts to scream. She's like, OMG! What's going on?, and Jeff is like, I didn't hear! What did she say? OMG! What's the gossip?, and I'm like, Will someone please put me out of my misery?
Once that is figured out, Chanel shoves good luck bread down Amanda and Jeff's throats, as Amanda is the only princess even close to getting hitched. #eatthebreadbitch
Erica needs to puff so off to the backyard she goes. This time, Chanel follows, and they talk about how Casey seriously needs to get over the stuff from high school. Erica climbs into Chanel's lap, crying, "I just want, like, everyone to love the me that is me, and, like, I know the me that is me, and, like, you see the me that is me, and that's why I love you and you love me."
The next day, Chanel, Ashlee, and Joey attempt to drag Erica out of bed around 11:00 AM, but Erica is too hung over to move. "I feel soooo sick," she croaks. "I'm not pushing myself for brunch. I need to rest." Meanwhile, Amanda and Jeff swim at their hotel, and their soft core porn makes me feel sick. Oh, and look, it's Jeff's ass crack. Thanks, Bravo! The gruesome twosome take their slob fest to the side of the pool, then, and a hotel employee eventually manages to separate their tongues with a drink menu. After lunch and drinks, Amanda asks Jeff to pick out her outfit for the day, like he always does. Jeff agrees and says, "I love you mama," to which Amanda says, "I love you papa." Kissing ensues.
Chanel, Ashlee, Casey, and Joey eat brunch outside. Joey actively scans the sidewalk for a potential husband. Casey passes judgment, of course, but it doesn't stop Joey and a newly British Chanel from calling two guys over to the table. Tennis teacher Vince is all kinds of awesome. When asked where he teaches, he says, "I'm global – wherever there are blondes who like to work on their stroke."
At first Vince isn't sure if he can handle four beautiful women at once, but as it turns out, he only has eyes for Casey. Vince asks Casey for her number, adding, "Get your protein now, and then you can have 'Vince protein' later." Casey refuses. Ashlee sends him away. "That's not funny to me," says Casey. "I don't tolerate that kind of idiocy." Joey jokes, Casey's heart is unreachable, wrapped up in a zippered bullet proof vest. All things considered – no sense of humor, high school baggage, overly guarded heart – it's obvious why Casey is still single.
The princesses move on, then, and catch up with Amanda. They also find Emmanuel. Ashlee sits next to the Clark Kent look-alike, asking about the (notice me!) DKNY sticker on his glasses, but it's Joey who seems to have a real interest in Emmanuel. Chanel yells to Ashlee, "This is your future husband!," and Joey's smile fades. Did someone say husband?!? Ashlee immediately calls her dad to tell him about Emmanuel, adding, "He looks like literally he can save the day." Chanel decides that Emmanuel will covert to to Judaism so he can marry Ashlee.
Mortified by this turn of events, Joey says to Ashlee, "You're a joke. You're coming off as a clown." Why is this guy not running for the border? Ashlee doesn't understand. "How is it weird? If I come home and say I met Santa Claus, they would say, 'Why didn't you call me?' Everyone has a different relationship with their parents." True that, says Chanel, my dad buys me lingerie.
Joey shares her three rules of dating: don't pump them up like they're God, don't go to them, and don't scare them off within four seconds. Ashlee doesn't agree, saying, "If I scare them off, then they can kiss my ass." She goes on to say that Joey's negative attitude towards her calling her dad hurt her feelings, to which Joey says, "You're silly. You're a silly little girl." To the camera, Casey declares, "Ashlee is hilarious. You are not funny if you don't like Ashlee."
And Casey knows funny!
Later that day, all of the princesses, plus Jeff and Rob, go to a club. The girls toast to wieners and vibrators and dance and drink the night away. Chanel's outfit is wildly distracting – especially in the midriff area – what was she thinking? Rob reaches out to Casey, asking her to forgive his girlfriend, and Erica shakes uncontrollably while shoving lettuce leaves in her mouth. Who raised this woman?
Back at the house, everyone either cries or whines, and I need to take a Tylenol and chocolate break to get through the rest. Walking into the house, Erica falls, and Jeff reveals that this is typical of her. Erica brushes it off, saying, "If I'm going to have a baby one day, I better
dry out my liver first be able to handle a fall."
Three seconds later, Erica FREAKS OUT, because Rob is passed out in the car. Ashlee suggests she punch him in the face; Erica cries. Amanda saves the day by dragging Rob into the house while her
manly twice her size boyfriend follows behind. Erica promises to bring Rob a glass of water when he goes to lie down, but she gets distracted by a bottle of wine. Joey asks Erica to not drink the wine, to which she screams, "I could [not] care f–king less." And here we go again…
Messing with some Adderall pills, Erica cries, "I need wine, my boyfriend is passed out.." Um, no, Rob is standing right next to her, rubbing her arm and begging her to put down the pill. Amanda shares with the rest of the class, she's popping Adderall, and drunk Erica tells her to shut up. Jeff demands that she take it back. OMG. I feel like I'm listening to little kids fight on the playground. Casey thinks Erica needs help and wonders if she should invite her to an AA meeting. To the camera, an amused Joey says, "Twenty-four hours ago, Casey wanted to punch her in the face and now she wants to be her sponsor."
Erica and Rob sneak out the next morning without saying goodbye. Casey gives my favorite line of the night, saying, "We're in our twenties, and this feels very much like high school bullsh-t." HAHAHA. Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, meet pot. Meanwhile, Ashlee breaks the "no husband" news to her father, to which he says, "Oh well. You still got the rest of the summer to latch onto potentials." Ashlee thanks her dad for the good talk and promises to call him when she gets in the car.
To summarize the weekend, Chanel says, "If I can't bring everyone together and make everyone get along, I feel like a failure." My final thoughts: Chanel, they're adults, you cannot (and shouldn't have to) "make" them do anything. This show is a train wreck of epic proportions. And the Princesses: Long Island clearly
collect paychecks from run on Dunkin'.
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Photo credit: Bravo