I just can't figure out what's going on with Real Housewives of Miami. It's like in a desperate bid to be as good as all the other shows, they scrambled to switch everything up – giving me no sense of security here.

On top of that, I think I'm Weddings by Bravo'd out. I mean on top of Tamra Barney and NeNe Leakes' big spinoffs we're now inundated with Adriana de Moura and Joanna Krupa planning weddings and bickering about weddings and out-weddings each other and weddings, weddings, weddings… Maybe we can just pull a Sister Wives, lump all the Bravo brides together, and throw them with one man. I nominate Andy Cohen to be tied to these broads for life. Payback's a bitch!

So last night Joanna and Romain Zago had the big talk. You know, the prenup one. In a pseudo intimate moment in which Joanna's minimalist makeup was applied to perfection, they had breakfast in bed and argued, over freshly cut fruit, that Romain was going into wedding planning by planning his divorce. Um… he's agreeing to marry JOANNA. 


Also, Romain is not happy that Marta will be Joanna's maid of honor since they have some serious awks together 'specially after Marta thinks he cheated on Joanna last season. 

Also having some insanely staged pillow talk is Adriana. In terms of who wins the best 'wake-up and discuss me' scene, I'm going with Joanna. Why? Because Adriana attempted to badly – very badly – act hers out instead of just basically treating like the staged crap it was.


Adriana pretended to be asleep. Pretended to let Fredric rouse her with sweet nothings. Pretended to rub her eyes and wakeup in absolute perfect lipliner and blush. Pretended to be half-asleep while ruminating over whatever Frederic said. I don't even remember what was discussed cause I was so busy focusing on the extreme fakery of the scene, the glaringly obvious mid-afternoon sun shining through the windows, Adriana's perfect hair, and what was going on on with the carpet situation in the bedroom (like the actual carpet on the floor, Bravo didn't get that graphic. Yet. Please don't ever. Seriously – don't. Thanks in advance). So they had a fight, but not to worry, the wedding is still on. Oh goody. 

Adriana meets with a wedding planner and tells the poor man he has six weeks to plan the wedding of the Miami social season, including transporting a film crew, 3 million guests, and a sit down dinner to an island without electricity. #Childsplay. You know, Adriana's rocking some fantastic clothes this season. 

Frederic isn't the only person Adriana is bickering with; weddings bring out the worst in people! She's also not seeing eye-to-eye with former BFF Lea Black. Once upon a time, before nary a reality show was in sight, when she was just pretending to be a struggling single mom Adriana met and secretly married a man named Frederic.

Now, Adriana will have you believe she simply obtained a marriage license before Frederic called the whole thing off and spent the next six years wooing and cajoling her into reconsidering the nuptials do-hickey. Meanwhile they were living together, but separates in the finances department. Aka, he was rich and she was hitting up Lea dollars to Dali's. 

In that first go-round of she said maybes, Adriana asked Lea to be her Maid of Honor. And Lea, of the ever-so-inflated hubris, gladly accepted. Well this go-round, Adriana is blaming Lea for leaking the marriage license debacle to the press and using the fact that a story in the Miami Herald was written by a reported well known to be Lea's bud. (Even thought it was a Twitter fan that dug up the info!) That's betrayal. So as payback Lea isn't going to be the one throwing Adriana a Bridal Shower, Alexia Echevarria and Marysol Patton are. They're her bridesmaids. 


Marysol is having issues with Mama Elsa who recently had a stroke and is recovering. She's laying low this season, but still has time to indulge in a little wedding dress shopping/Lea bashing while wearing a wicked stepsister tiara. She knows the peeeerfect designer who has the perrrrfect dress and low and behold, Adriana snaps it up on the first try. Unlike RHOC, Bravo isn't humoring her with a spinoff so she only gets a five second dress shopping scene. Adriana shares that she is meeting Lea at her house to discuss well the fact that they're not friends anymore. 

On the same street (maybe?) but in a very different venue, Lea is shopping with Joanna and Lisa Hochstein so she can get wedding shoes. Joanna is an untraditional girl who wants untraditional (aka hooker) shoes. Oh Joanna… The shopping trip becomes about how Joanna does not want a prenup and Lea also agrees they favor the man and leave the woman down for the count. Lea has no prenup because she claims when she married Roy he wasn't any richer than she was. I'd like to consult Ana Quincoces on that one. 

Lisa, of course, has one. I think it stipulates if her face moves or her boobs deflate, Lenny is out the door. We all know he likes to teardown the old and rebuild it with the new and gaudy. Which brings us to the next scene: 'How I Fell Out of Love With the Fakensteins.' 

I used to adore Lisa. I did. She seemed sweet and genuine despite looking like a fembot. But this season… she seems off. Fake in the personality department and trying too hard. Either the producers threatened her to amp it up or last season she was pretending. Whatever the case, I'll reserve judgment – for now – but she's on Housewives probation. 


Lisa and Lenny recently bought a historic foreclosure on the fabled Star Island. If last season has any truth to it, they snapped it up right out from under Lea! Who knows. Whatever the case, Lisa, who is learning to drive a stick shift in a Ferrari while wearing 7" platform Louboutins, nearly crashes into the place (intentional?) before declaring it an absolute teardown that was recently the home to defunct millionaire squatters. Even worse for the property of doom, it was not the Scarface house as is widely misreported but embarrassingly enough once used in an episode of Miami Vice – and Lenny's fragile ego can't have that. 

They have grand plans to tear the entire property down and replace it with a gaudy, new money mansion not unlike their old home but BIGGER <insert stars in Fembot's eyes here>. This won't just be the mansion that boobs built; it will be the biggest mansion built by the biggest boobs: Lenny and Lisa! There's just one snafu, preservationists want to stop them from demo-ing a beautiful historic mansion. 

In order to try and "prove" to the preservationists that the house is uninhabitable and needs to be demolished, they tour through the house and declare every inch of it disgusting, dirty, revolting, cheap, unlivable, inhabited by ghetto animals, etc. If they try to use this in court or something I will die of laughter! 

Lisa gingerly kicks what looks like a dog bed and snipes that someone peed on a mattress on the floor. She tells us they had to throw the owners out because they refused to leave even after the house was sold. 

OK, this scene was COMPLETELY fake. SO fake. First of all the part of the house they were featuring was probably the maids quarters since the kitchen and bath were about as small and cheap as can be. There is no way that a house of that size, which even in un-renovated condition is worth $6 or $7 million had that one tiny, cheaply constructed kitchen with those ghastly cabinets and tile floor. That was definitely filmed in a misleading way. Second of all, in some of the scenes you could see the real house in the background and it looked beautiful and architectural with beautiful details. This whole scene made Lisa look like a fake, snobby, wannabe who had watched Over Board a few too many times and was trying to mimic Goldie Hawn's character. It was lame. I hope the preservationists win and Lenny sells it to Lea

And finally the scene we've all been waiting for: Lea and Adriana face off. Adriana takes a taxi, probably to guilt trip Lea, because she immediately throws in Lea's face that her car broke down but since Lea wanted to meet at her house, Adriana was forced to commute by taxi. In the rain. See, that's what happens when you fall out with your suggamama bestie, girls! Taxis. Even worse, she had to pay her own fare. 

Lea doesn't flinch, she simply invites Adriana in, hands her plastic water bottle and interrogates her. 'So..' she says smoothly, 'I'm confused; you got a marriage license in November and got married in December, but you're not married and you never got divorced. What's the deal, honey?' 

Adriana starts with her getting louder and louder nonsense, obfuscating and being completely intransigent as if Lea was talking gibberish. Now I think Lea is as fake as her hair is blonde and her skin is unlifted, but c'mon – she was right to call Adriana out on what was a totally blatant lie! Adriana even changed her story mid-filming. First she said the license was nullified, but then during the show she is claiming they decided not to go through with the wedding despite getting the license. Whatever. 

Adriana attacks Lea for being a bad friend – she calls her a "wicked sister" and accuses Lea of trying to destroy her. It was ridiculous.

Like Lea or not, but she was in the right here. Adriana LIED to all of her friend's faces for years, without remorse. She took advantage of Lea's generosity and sympathy to get ahead and manipulated. Lea even got her cast on this show! Alexia and Marysol are likely only pretending to be Adriana's friend for camera time, because they are fools if they believe it is no big deal that a friend would blatantly misrepresent themselves and their circumstances for years. Adriana's newest excuse is that she didn't feel the marriage was real without a big ol' ridiculous overblown ceremony featuring hot air balloons and fireworks. 


Lea is upset that Adriana lied to her – and is STILL lying – and doesn't seem to value the friendship they had for years now that Lea is of no use to her and won't be complicit in her schemes. Basically Adriana got caught in the lie, so she threw a tantrum and stood outside in the rain crying and sulking while waiting for her taxi. Lea takes the bait – or pretends to in order to avoid looking like a bitch (couldn't tell which) – fetches her and allows her to wait inside, but tells her she loves and cares about her. 

Adriana declares that since Lea wouldn't loan her a Mercedes to drive home in they're no longer friends and she hopes they can be civil for the sake of their son's friendship. 

Yeah, I'm Team Lea Black on this one! Somewhere in the middle of all this crap Alexia paid an organizer to re-do her closet; and it still looked a hot mess. It also made me realize she has really, really tacky taste in shoes. 

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