Three things you need to know about the Real Housewives of Miami:

1) They do not know the definition of the word "hypocrite" (I think this is a trait that expands across all Housewives domains). 

2) They don't understand "good manners" (Minding your Ps & Qs is not a Housewives forte).

3) They are baaaad actresses! 

With that being said, let's dive into this nonsense and rip apart the episode. It all begins with Joanna Krupa dry humping Romain Zago in front of their braaaand neeeeew rented swimming pool! 

Romain is on a mission to surprise Joanna left and right on Bravo's dime for a storyline. I mean Joanna needs to serve some purpose on this show besides looking amazing and hating Adriana de Moura, right?! First Romain surprised her with a car and now a new house he rented for them to live in as husband and wife.


Joanna gets blindfolded and driven there, she whips off the blindfold and is immediately like, "Oh. Yeah, I don't like this." Joanna likes like old fashion-y furniture, like the kind Z-Gallerie makes to look old and Louis the 8th or 9th or 44th – that famous one in France – style. Romain likes modern. Personally, I don't know what you wanna call that decor except Miami Vice. It looked like leftovers from an 80's hotel. Call Jeff Lewis


Besides the day-coor Joanna is dissatisfied with their sex life. She tries to christen the new pad right then and there by literally dry humping Romain but he's not DTF without romance. I call him sweet, she calls him being a girly. I say trashy, she says trash-eh. So they're off to visit a sex therapist. 

To which Romain does not show up. There goes Joanna all dolled up in her version of Grace Kelly elegance (replete with a deconstructed chignon and some shoes with big marabou puffs on them) to the therapist office, but Romain is mad at her over some texts he saw of Marta accusing him of cheating. Marta has been hearing rumors… more on where those rumors seem to be originating later… 

Joanna cries real tears (good for you no botox!) about how hard it is to choose between Romain and Marta. She's disappointed Marta is not supporting her and excited to be planning a wedding with her. Also, Joanna and Romain only have sex once every other month. Now, I think the Marta crap was legit, the sex therapy stuff: pure Scripted By Bravo! 

Later Romain and Joanna discuss their lack of sex life and he calls her out on never being around because of her job and helloooo in order to have sex she has to be there. He's also pretty disgusted by Marta and Joanna not jumping to his defense. She recalls that one time she hacked his email on camera and discovered flirty texts with a Mynt waitress and Romain is like not this crap again don't make me bring up Joe…. FRANCIS

Enough about those two already! Let's move on to other pressing drama like Lea Black redecorating her house. Fembot Fakenstein is joining her at some marble tile emporium with Lea's two fabo decorators who Lisa needs to hire like stat. Hint. Hint. First Lisa needs a house she can actually tear down, but details, schmeetails! 

Lea isn't thrilled by Lisa's attempts to play peacemaker between her and Adriana last week and she calls her out on meddling by explaining some of the reasons she has to be mad at Miami's little grifter: Adriana told Lea that Frederic couldn't support her lifestyle and was having Lea hook her up with potential sugar daddies while she was legally married all along. Quel embarrasante! Basically it seems Adriana and Frederic were running a scam and getting their bills P-A-I-D. Mama works hard for her Chanel! 

Lisa decides she's gonna talk to Adriana about the situation so she invites her over for the most awkward, disingenuous winedate ever. First they sort of uncomfortably broach the topic of the episode which is 'Sex Life Run Dry' because Lisa and Lenny aren't getting it on enough either (Lisa wants to be "banged like a chicken cutlet" Grosssss). This is like Sesame Street: Today's episode is brought to you by A Lack of Sex Life and Spicing Up Your Lies. 


Adriana is like yep, after a while it's just not as exciting which is why I brought you my used role playing costume that I picked up at Party City's After Halloween Sale and wore to entire Frederic to buy me a new Rolex. Don't worry I sprayed it with Febreeze. Lisa is like ooooh thanks! Lenny loves used things with other people's sex juices on them. Doctors are all about sanitation, you know!   

Then Lisa asks Adriana about the marriage license and gets yet another version of an obvious lie. This time Frederic applied for the marriage license alone ("You can do that?" Lisa, who is not as dumb as she looks, remarks) and Adriana wanted a woman who was not ordained to perform the ceremony. And yada, yada, yada – but she would NEVER lie and she would NEVER go on dates with other men. Oh well in that case it's all good. Lisa doesn't look convinced so Adriana quickly distracts her by asking her to be a bridesmaid in her re-wedding. Oh sqqqquuuueeee! 

Is Lisa stirring the pot? At the mercy of producers' drama agenda? Or does she really want to get all sides of the story before making a decision? I can't tell at this point! 


On to other issues, Marysol Patton is meeting with a tarot card reader to get a prognosis on Elsa's health. Alexia Echevarria is over to support her but Alexia is obviously not into the dark arts cause she cowers on the other side of the room. In a super staged moment, she draws a card with the devil on it and that devil is a blonde woman in her fifties. Just. Like. Lea. Only Lea – no one else. LEA BLACK IS THE DEVIL! Marysol feigns terror, narrows her eyes, and lambastes Lea for not reaching out to Elsa during her illness. 

Alexia is hosting a party for Venue Magazine on the very same weekend as The Black Gala, therefore Alexia isn't sure she can make it to Lea's big event. 

Alexia sits down with her PR team or whatever and pretends she's been busy overseeing the big event but it's pretty clear the only thing she's had her pulse on was testing the drinks for the bar. Lea plans to attend the event because Alexia is her friend, they always support her, and she wants to entice them to attend her gala. 

The night of the Venue event Lea is literally the first person there. It's completely empty and heeeeere's LEA! Nary a Housewife in site. She's pissed because Lance Bass invited her to Kim Kardashian's bestie Jonathan Cheban's sushi restaurant and instead she's standing there wearing the wrong bra to go with her shirt and posing on a red carpet that is as vacant as a K-Mart. Hasn't Lea heard of a 't-shirt bra'? Sorry – I have a thing with bra lines. 

Alexia finally shows up and Lea gets down on her knees to beg them to attend the gala. Desperate much? Apparently so! Then all the real drama starters arrive: Joanna and Romain and Frederic and Adriana

Off season Frederic and Romain had some issues on twitter because Frederic called him a coward. Later they ran into each other at a car wash and made amends. Or so Frederic thought when he went over to say hello and was treated to a barrage of heated French dialogue from Romain. Is it possible that he's even sexier speaking a foreign language? Mmmmm-hmmmm.


Adriana scampers over to put in her heated two cents in badly spoken French, according to Romain. Joanna stands there pretending she doesn't want to punch the eff out of Adriana but she's trying for a different image this season. I'm frankly impressed she held it together because Adriana was shrieking about how Romain was cheating with some Columbian waitress or something. And I think we know who contacted Marta to tell her there were rumors of Romain having an affair. Ding, ding, ding – we have a winner in Adriana! 

Joanna probably put two and two together and did not give Adriana the satisfaction. She's also happy that Romain put his big boy under-roos on to defend his woman. Grrrrowwwwl! Do not mess with Romain – he does jiu jitsu!

Lea tries to assuage the situation because unlike Alexia, who eats up the drama and sees it as a reason to get the party in the press, Lea wants things to stay civil. Frederic nit-picks with her about apparently saying he was too poor to support Adriana. Lea says from now on she won't talk about them at all. I don't really know because new drama was brewing when Marysol showed up with Ana Quincoces

Ana, who really is desperate to be on camera, decides to maliciously (on the coaxing of Adriana) wander over to say hello to Joanna while she is talking to Lea. Lea keeps her cool and says hello to Ana for the sake of social niceties prompting Alexia to gallop over and call Lea a "hypocrite" for saying hi instead of scratching her false eyelashes out.

"I'm nice to everybody," Lea quaffs because that is GOOD MANNERS! It's called etiquette! You know, say hello – don't make a huge scene, just be polite and move on. 


Realizing that she has been invited here as a target, or maybe just tired of an obviously lame party filled with immature adults, Lea bows out but not before stroking Marysol's face in a faintly creepy way. Maybe Lea is the devil. Or at the very least the wicked queen… 

Where was Fembot during all of this? Having a romantic bubble bath just her, Lenny, and the camera crew. What is it with Bravo and bathtub porn?! Stoppit already. Lisa toasts to "a sexy night" and Lenny giggles coquettishly before shoving bubbles in Lisa's perfectly made up face. 

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