Real Housewives Of Miami Recap: The Mother Load


Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was all about mama drama. Sometimes you gotta take one for the team and go to an evil haunted mansion filled with the ghosts of friendship's (kitchen's) past. Or a Russian grocery store with the living embodiment of Julia Child's voice. 

Things began last night with Lisa Hochstein's everlasting nightmare; an unpleasant reminder of the things we do for money… errrrr… I mean love. And boobs! Lisa's inlaws are in town and her mother-in-law, Marina, lives to torture her.

Marina doesn't appreciate Fembot's fully constructed fabulosity. If only she had read that instruction manual Lenny faxed over, but Marina doesn't do new-fangled. She also doesn't understand what exactly Fembot does. I mean she doesn't work and she just swans around advertising her son's reconstruction prowess. Was anyone else aware that Lenny was the best plastic surgeon in the world?!

Anyway, Lisa's other major drawback is that she doesn't cook and she's not Russian. Score 0 for the daughter-in-law from Canada! Among the many ways Marina tries to destroy Fembot is by force feeding her fried fish. The horror had Lisa needing Xanax and colonics for weeks. Fembot wonders if Marina will ever like her, but you can tell she really doesn't care! Nor does Marina for that matter, who still believes she runs the show. All shows. Maybe she should take over Bravo. 



Mother may I create a fembot of my very own to love?

Later they go out to dinner as a family and Lenny tersely tells his mother that she embarrasses them in front of "the help" because she is rude and demanding. "You're rude to our drivers. You're rude to our guests. You think you're nice, but you're not nice to anyone," Lenny seethes. Whoa! 

Furthermore Marina "attacks" Fembot and Lenny is tired of it. Doesn't she know how hard he worked to construct the perfect mail order bride?! I've never seen the placid Lenny so emotional – dare I say it the scene seemed authentic. The very best part of all the Marina scenes were her facial expressions. 

Adriana de Moura is in her own motherhood predicament. Apparently her son Alex isn't obsessing about her issues enough among his friends. Didn't Alex know everything is about Adriana?! She quizzes him on whether or not RJ, Lea Black's son, is still his friend and if people care about the marriage license lie at school. Alex, who clearly was mentally screaming 'Get out of my room!', answered in one word, monotone expressions and could not be more bored of Adriana talking about ADRIANA! 

Seriously – does Adriana think a bunch of 7th grade boys care that she faked her marriage and is having reality TV wedding drama? Seriously?! Furthermore, does she think they care about her friendship mess with Lea?! I have to hand it to Alex, he throws some good shade. 

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Alexia Echevarria is still very focused on Frankie's recovery. While he's made tons of progress he has difficulty with language and expressing himself and he needs to interact more with his peers. Poor Frankie… his team meets to discuss where he is in his recovery and all agree the best thing they did was re-enrolling him in school. Alexia is hopeful that someday soon he'll be doing all the things a normal sixteen-year-old does. 

Back at the Fembot's, Romain and Frederic come over for a Househusbands peace summit orchestrated by Lenny, which I thought was classy. Although they really needed some drinks or snacks – c'mon Marina get it together – you know Lisa can't do cheese and crackers. 

Regardless of the lack of refreshments and the uncomfortable looking furniture, Frederic apologized for nasty tweets calling Joanna Krupa a "wh*re" among other things. Adriana probably was using his twitter! Romain accepted the apology and both men agreed to move forward. Upstairs Lisa quizzes her MIL on who is hotter: Romain or Frederic and Mariana is Team Frederic all the way! 

And we interrupt this show to spend a million hours on dueling weddings! Adriana is hauling her bridal party which consists of Marysol Patton, Lisa, and Alexia to try on bridesmaid dresses. She wants everyone in white gowns.

Lisa brought her dog and behind her back Marysol complains that it is on the boutique's furniture. Lisa's dog is better groomed than my children and I'm sure bathes more often than I do. I'm pretty sure Leo also has a nanny, so who knows what the hell Marysol's problem was. She's annoying. I used to like her but now I think Andy was just giving her a good edit because he's so obsessed with Mama Elsa


Secret Marriage Round 2: Lea did it first – Adriana is such a copycatter! 

The real reason Adriana invited everyone was not so she could get some free champagne but so she could drag out a 20-year-old People magazine article she unearthed about Lisa "Lea" Heller's secret marriage! The big scandal is that Lea married Roy (her current hubby) at the justice of the peace and four months later they had a ceremony and announced they had been married for months. Guests were "astonished". I'm astonished that LEA was in People all those years ago. For what?! Was she mildly famous at some point that I'm not aware of? I thought she sold Mary Kay out of the back of a Winnebago? Maybe she was the greatest Mary Kay saleslady ever and managed to land herself a pink private jet?

Anyway, Adriana starts bandying about words like hypocrite, Lisa rolls her eyes and points out that four months is different than 4 years. What no one says is that Adriana has been lying about needing money and help all these long years and playing the desperate single mother card. AND trying to date richer men! Whatever – we know Adriana got that article from Ana Quincoces and the whole thing reeks of desperation. 

Adriana wonders if Lisa is also in Joanna's wedding and tells her she doesn't want to share bridesmaids. In fact, her bridesmaid dresses will include a "Property of Adriana de Moura" disclaimer on the back, just in case Fembot, et al forgets where her loyalties lie! Lisa honestly answers that Joanna has not asked her, but if she did she would say yes. Adriana seethes. She shoots dagger eyes and makes a mental note to have Ana dig up some unsavory info about Fembot just in case… 

Meanwhile Lea is at Joanna's house where Joanna is having a meltdown because Marta can't drop everything in her new life to cater to Joanna's wedding whims. Joanna is planning a last minute trip to LA to manage wedding details and she expected Marta to abandon her life completely to become a full-time Joanna wedding sidekick. 

Lea decides on a whim, of course, to invite herself to LA as a de facto stand-in MOH. And oooohhhh… Lisa should come too. Even though she isn't officially in Joanna's wedding, or anything. Not yet, anyway! Of course, Lea calls just when Fembot is in the bitchy bridesmaid meeting with Adriana and as she excuses herself to take the call from Lea, Marysol makes snippy comments about her. Lisa agrees to the LA trip. Just wait to Bitchdriana finds out… 


Also, I love how when touring Joanna and Romain's "new home", Lea practically tried to use her Chanel scarf as a hazmat suit and refrained from really touching anything. She did a lot of that tinkering hysterical laugh she does when she has a zillion comments running through her head but she doesn't really want to say them.

Basically, the house is a dump. Or a "money pit" as Lea terms it, but it has a great view! Panoramic, baby and I don't mean of Romain… Oooooohhhhhhh. 

And finally, R.J. is having his birthday party. He planned it himself and the themes include: paintball, top hats and ties, pasta, an orchestra, Alex de Moura as DJ, oh and a acapella Housewives troupe to sing Happy Birthday (ok, Lea added that last part). 

Proving she has manners, Lea calls Adriana before the party to formally ask her permission for Alex's attendance, invite her and Frederic in peace, and state that she wishes the boys to be kept out of their mama's drama. Adriana bristles, but agrees Alex can attend even if she cannot. Marysol warns her that Lea will probably put a hex on her and that Adriana should stop talking to that witch. Marysol … get a life. And a storyline!

The day of the party it's overcast and raining but paintball will not be dampened. The boys then sit down to dinner with their hats and ties while an orchestra serenades them over a plated pasta dinner. R.J.'s party… well more Housewives events need to include paintball is all I'm saying! 

Frederic brings Alex. He and Lea are cordial and mature about the awkwardness. Imagine…  Alexia arrives with Frankie, she is worried Lea will be annoyed with her for missing the gala, but Lea chooses to overlook it and not ruin her son's birthday party with nonsense. She also tactfully states that Alexia has a lot on her plate and oh, well she missed the gala, but whatevs! 

Frankie practices his social skills which are far better than any of the Housewives. He schmoozes Fembot's MIL with a kiss on the hand. He flirts with Fembot. He's a delight. 

Unfortunately it starts to rain before cake and the party is whisked indoors where unfortunately Lea's house is in complete disarray due to a massive redecorating process. OK two things: 1) didn't Lea purchase a new home on Star Island that needed a gut reno? What happened to that. 2) Her massive mansion only has ONE kitchen (yeah right!) and in the process of the reno they're living there (again, yeah right!) and NO WALLS are coming down to accommodate the reno (again and again, yeah right!).


Little Miss I Forgot My Manners (and my shirt!) 

Anyway, yeah the party is in the messy kitchen/living area and everyone is awkwardly milling around the construction crap. Alex DJ's and Adriana arrives to see his performance. Except, she left her maturity at home. Oh what am I saying, she never had any. While Frederic proves, once again, that he is classy by apologizing to Joanna for the twitter comments, Adriana ignores both Joanna and Lea completely while making rude comments about how she doesn't want to be in the negative energy cesspool that is Lea's home and how she can't stand her. 

Then Lea makes all the Housewives – even a sour-faced Adriana – sing a very awkward and frankly disturbing Happy Birthday to the embarrassed R.J. and the party is over. 

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