Big Tips Texas: Sisterhood Of The Traveling Coochie Shorts

Big Tips Texas

Did you watch Big Tips Texas last night? 

MTV's Big Tips Texas features four veteran and six newbie waitresses and/or bartenders at a bar named Redneck Heaven. Yes, it's as trashy as it sounds. What the girls lack in clothing, they make up for in eye shadow though, so it all balances out.

Big Tips Texas wants to be Coyote Ugly.  It's not.  They're not even from the same planet. Big Tips Texas turns out to be Buckwild meets Bad Girls Club. The girls liken themselves to a sisterhood (Sisterhood of the Traveling Coochie Shorts?) or a sorority (No. Just no.).

The veterans and newbies do not work (or play) well together.


Round One: Veteran Amber vs. Newbie Morgan

Amber lives in bars (just a hunch) and wants to work at Redneck Heaven for the rest of her life. Her drunken self goes by the name Sexy Kitty. Amber obsesses over Morgan's every move and insists "conversating" with patrons is more important than pulling her weight behind the bar.

Fun fact: Amber shows the camera her boobs and cooch within 45 minutes. 

Morgan lives on a 98-acre ranch and wants to be a barrel racer in the rodeo. She works at Redneck Heaven to save money for a horse and other rodeo related necessities. Morgan calls 'em as she sees 'em, and she thinks Amber is lazy.

Fun fact: Morgan's pet goat, Princess Penelope, is pregnant for the third time thanks to her neighbor's "horny bastard" goat. 

While bar hopping on their night off, the veterans and the newbies end up at the same bar. Sexy Kitty wants to fight with Morgan. She invites a chair to come along. But, when the chair doesn't respond, she leaves it behind. Sexy Kitty really needs to sober up.

Sexy Kitty taunts Morgan until she cracks. Morgan pushes back, screaming, "Take your ghetto ass hoops out, you trashy ass bitch!" Hair and weave pulling ensues.  I have to give round one to Morgan. She's super spunky.  I don't like Amber – or Sexy Kitty. She's a sloppy, obnoxious drunk.

Round Two: Veteran Typhani vs. Newbie Kristyn

Typhani (with a y and a ph) is the "boss" at the bar. Her boyfriend, Tinker, is the owner of Redneck Heaven. Not a coincidence since Typhani sucks as a manager.  She is biased, favoring the veterans, and insecure, worrying the newbies will out whore her to the top. 

Fun fact: Her parents can't spell Tiffany.

Kristyn is a budding fashion designer and has a degree in marketing. She gets excited when a marketing position opens up at Redneck Heaven, and she goes directly to the man in charge (Tinker) to express interest in it.

Fun fact: Grandma promises to "grab a chicken, throw it in a paper sack, and swing it over her head" if Kristyn gets a job that requires more clothing.

Typhani throws Tinker a birthday party. She invites the newbies to show she's the "bigger person" and hopes they won't "crybaby or fight" out of respect. Yeah. As soon as she finds out Kristyn went to Tinker about the job, she's the crybaby picking a fight. 

"You need to go talk to Tinker about how intelligent you think he is because you think he's going to put a girl at the top of the company because she f–ks him," chides Typhani. "Maybe you should choose a more professional time to come to my office to talk to me instead of going over my head to my boyfriend." 

Kristyn leaves the party. I have to give this round to the newbie because of the y and the ph.

Side Story: Veteran Sabrina vs. Worthless Family

Sabrina works at Redneck Heaven for two reasons – to help support her family and to save money for college. "Redneck is a place I can make a stupid amount of money." Her long term goals include Harvard Law School.

Sabrina's waste of a mother openly tells her children: "When you're no longer a deductible, see ya!" Mom and two siblings degrade Sabrina for wanting to go to college. "What about us here?"

All three of them treat Sabrina like a paycheck.


Photo credit: MTV