Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Recap: The Past Never Dies


On last night's Real Housewives of Miami reunion there were several Huh? moments. And chunks and chunks of evidence.

Things begin with a frazzled Lisa Hochstein fanning herself and clutching her pearls because Joanna Krupa's rabid makeup artist called her a bad, bad, BAD name which a lady shall not repeat. My stars! 

The worst infraction was that Joanna was laughing – laughing! – as Lisa was maliciously attacked. I personally think the worst thing was Joanna's Miss Innocent act as if she had no clue in this world what Lisa was referring to and that she would never, ever, EVER participate in such a thing! Anyway, this crazed crotchety makeup man called Lisa a "whore" and also untalented and broke. So there's that. 

In retaliation Lisa practically leaps off the sofa; her boobs threatened to spill out from the top of her dress as they trembled and clung for dear life. She's pointing and shrieking that Joanna is "Fake! FAKE, FAKE, Fake, Fake, FAKE!"



Which is Adriana de Moura's cue to chime in and accuse both Joanna and Lea Black of being fake and fake. Lea practically picked Adriana off like a piece lint as she dismissed her with an eyeroll. And THAT is why Lea is the Mayor of Miami! 

Adriana is clearly relishing in the opportunity to ride Lisa's coattails in an excuse to screech at Joanna. Her Cheshire Cat smirk proved that. 

Joanna plasters a smile on her face and this seems to enrage Lisa more. "People don't really like you," Lisa tells Joanna. "Even Marta who doesn't want to be around you." Apparently because Joanna is mean! You don't say… 

Lisa and Andy beg Joanna to reveal what she was inferring about Lisa's partying at her wedding. Joanna keeps saying she won't do that. So Lisa airs Joanna's dirty laundry. She claims the necklace Romain gave Joanna last season was a loaner. Joanna insists she exchanged it for something smaller. 


Adriana screams that Joanna is a hooker and a journalist from Poland called her to spill the details about Jo's former escorting past. Joanna counters that she is now suing the journalist for defamation and has won? Not sure. Then Adriana accuses Joanna's LA home of being owned by someone else – maybe Mohamed Hadid – as it's in the name of some company. I want to know what some journalists from Brazil can tell us about Adriana's past. Let's get Ana Quincoces on that!

Fembot believes that Joanna must be a miserable unhappy person who hates her life and that is why she is attacking her. Lisa is "very happy" and Joanna is jelly. 1) I don't believe Lisa is "very happy" 2) I do believe Joanna is jealous that Lisa shops all day while she has to do Poland's Next Top Model and naked PETA photo shoots. 3) I do believe Lisa is jealous of how much attention Joanna's career has attracted. 

Enough about Joanna and Lisa however, because here comes Marysol Patton wearing an aluminum foil tutu and an entire tub of MAC Black Tied eye shadow. Girl, too much! That's not all Marysol is sporting – she has her trusty iPad complete with portable speaker so she can play a message from her father who happens to be in the hospital about what a conniving fake biatch Lea is and how he is so hurt that she never reached out to Mama Elsa. *sigh*


That was so low! And desperate! I mean WTH with using your ill parents and probably forcing your ill father to record that creepy message about being angry at Lea. Why does Marysol care is the question of the evening – even Andy is curious.

Lea has her own proof, statements from her phone company proving texts she sent Marysol about Elsa. Also that she called the hospital and was told Elsa did not want visitors/was not there – I couldn't hear and neither could Andy as he started seeing stars and screaming "TOO LOUD" over and over! It was too loud. Too much extraneous noise was the theme of this reunion.

Lea was really plugging her handbags as the perfect way to transport legal documents to court for the Legally Blonde attorneys among us as she pulled document after document after document out of what looked like a sparkly clutch. She's a multipurpose girl our Lea Black! 

Marysol believes Lea is jealous of Elsa's popularity and tried to keep her off film. Then tried to use her by filming with her. Lea says Marysol is so desperate for attention and an opportunity to get back on this show. I'm desperate for some earplugs and some makeup remover. 

Joanna chimes in to say that Ana (they are still friends) admitted that last year Marysol was behind her attacking Lea at the reunion and acting as her "mouthpiece". Ana still thinks Lea is a bitch, but that Lea was right about Marysol. Ouch. 

Lea is sick of the "Hate Club" trying to take her down. Lea is particularly chapped by Alexia Echevarria being against her as she thought they were friendly and she is disappointed Alexia was so easily influenced by Adriana and Marysol. Alexia was upset because Adriana told her Lea said Peter belonged in jail for hitting the homeless person. 1) He does. 2) Consider your information source. 

Speaking of Alexia she discusses her ex-husband and reveals that he is out of prison and actively involved in her sons' lives. He was very present for Frankie during his accident and they are all close. Well, that's nice. 


Then of course Alexia and Lisa mysteriously hate each other and get into it over Lisa being racist or something for referring to Adriana, Alexia, and Marysol as a "gang". Oh whatever! Lisa tries to defend herself by saying she's of "mixed eth-eeehniick-nickity – heritage!" so she's not racist. She's also an immigrant. #Canada. The whole thing was so stupid and we all know her comment had nothing to do with race. Lisa calls Alexia a bitch. "All you ever do is cry and call people bitches. We're all bitches!" Alexia snaps. Touche. 

Other bonehead moments: Adriana accuses Lea of being guilty of three sins: Wrath, Greed, and something else – too many diamonds and Birkins? She says she'd rather be a good mother than have all that materialistic stuff which is why she was grifiting and is always wearing Chanel. Nice try. Andy and Lea both rolled their eyes. 

The reunion ends with Adriana and Joanna arguing about penis size. Romain has a big one Joanna screams and is not gay. And Frederic probably has a pinky-sized one. In my mind Missy Elliot was playing, "If you've got a big one, lemme work it…" And that's not the imagery I want from a Housewives episode. 

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