This is my first experience discussing the atrocity that is Kody Brown's hair. Why are there no cameras in his bathroom detailing how he achieves such a paragon of 80's greatness. Kody missed his calling by not going into figure skating because the twirl potential of those locks is epic. 

This week the Sister Wives took a quad-only trip to San Francisco to bond sans Kody, who is really the reason no one gets along. Meanwhile Kody stayed home to burn down the fort and show his paternal ineptitude to the world. 

Things start out with Janelle running a 5K, which I hope translates into eventually running away from Kody. To support her, Kody runs with her – well actually he runs far ahead of her. Robyn, of course, is pimping t-shirts to go along with the race that feature the word "Be:" followed by a bunch of adjectives of what someone could be. Polygamous is not on the list, but the design does feature an exploding heart. Ummm… 


Robyn, who makes everything about Robyn, is stressed because the largest shirt is an XL which she isn't sure will fit on Janelle. Janelle tries it on and it is snug but fits. Kody pretends to be excited by Janelle's "curves". Janelle stresses and complains about being fat and running in front of people, luckily her trainer is there run by her side. Kody, however, thought support was showing up not staying with Janelle. Janelle finishes and good for her! 

The wives head to San Francisco to buy dresses for their commitment ceremony. Meri is excited to go to San Francisco, but wishes the other wives weren't coming with her. I see she's really taking this re-commitment thing seriously. 

Kody stays home and pretends he's doing Aspyn a great service by encouraging her to do everything while he says things like "good idea!" to all her suggestions. Kody decides to do all the week's cooking at one time on the grill.  So he decides he'll watch the grill, but not the kids. 

Ysabel trips and her toe is bleeding everywhere! They show us a close-up of Ysabel's filthy feet and Kody talks about the foot for approximately 45 minutes. I tuned out. Gross! At some point she emerges with a band-aid. Luckily no paramedics were needed. Sadly the steaks burn and Kody will have to cook tomorrow. OH NO. 

The ladies meanwhile are shopping – but no one's excited. They're not only getting ceremony dresses but looking for ideas for "Sister Wives" closet. 

The first shop they go to is a boutique and everyone complains and complains about how nothing will fit and they'll feel awkward shopping all fancy-like. Christine is especially uncomfortable. They should have just dropped her off at Target. The wives are surprised the manager is actually nice to them, but I mean she's probably just excited to see the TV cameras. 

Unfortunately Robyn ruins everything by fitting into all the clothes and not being modest because her calves and upper arms are sticking out. TROLLOP! Meri yells. While the other wives swallow bitter tears of jealousy, Robyn puts on a fashion show. "This is supposed to be a research trip, so anything you want to see on me, I'll try," says humble benevolent Robyn, bravely taking one for the team and allowing herself to be brutally stuffed into designer dresses. 

"It was so weird walking out and showing off my legs," Robyn demurs. I was waiting for a black modesty bar to cover her ankles that said, "FOR KODY'S EYES ONLY." 

"It was cute, but it was kind of shocking because it was way more skin than I've ever seen," Janelle adds. How exactly did Janelle end up with any kids at all? Secret sperm bank in the bathroom? Then they hit up a boutique that focuses on plus-sized clothing and Robyn can't try on anything. Karma bitch, Christine thinks. Meri tries on a few "racy" dresses but no one was lectured on modesty standards. Meri hates everything anyway. 

To adhere to their modesty standards, the ladies decide to design their own dresses and pick out corresponding fabrics. Cause Robyn is a designer now, y'all. <eye roll>

Back in Vegas, Kody takes the kids to the neighbor's pool. TLC hasn't built the Browns one yet? Kody is surprised to learn that his teenaged daughters want to be courted. "Has anyone asked about us?" they want to know because potential suitors need to ask both the father and the church leader, says Kody.

Kody thinks they're all too young, but also no one is really interested either and he prefers they focus on college. All the girls think it's weird that no one wants to court them. Then they go bowling and Kody is pissed that Aspyn kicks his ass. 

The girls gone wild trip continues when the wives go out for dinner. Of course Kody calls and it's awkward for Christine to talk to him in front of the other wives. The other wives scowl that she should have left the table to talk. Kody spends the whole call complaining about how much work the kids are. The wives pretend to think his Mr. Mom role is adorable. 

Kody apparently group texts all his wives "I love you." Christine thinks he's an idiot (co-sign!) for not understanding that they all have different feelings for their husband and want some privacy in their marriage. Perhaps reconsider polygamy? 

Robyn's friend Kendra takes them to a pub and they decide to try beer. "Kody won't be mad if we try it," Christine justifies explaining it's against their religion. Robyn refuses to even take a sip and keeps her judge-y eyes on following the beers around the table. I can never decide who is a bigger buzz kill: Robyn or Meri?

When the wives return home everyone is so relieved – especially Christine's daughter Truly, who is sick. Kody admits he basically relied totally on the teenagers. You're free Kody, now go focus on your hair. 

The wives feel like the trip was "partially" a success and they did bond. Janelle realized that the new compound feels like home and she was glad to be there. 

[Photo Credit: TLC]