Teen Mom 2 Recap: Supreme Idiocy


Last night the ladies of Teen Mom 2 complained a lot, made future plans, and in some cases displayed a delusion so deep the Pacific Ocean way out in California couldn't engulf it. 

Kailyn Lowry is never happy – even when there's cake. Even when there's caramel + cake. She literally is the Snuffleupagus of reality TV. She's stressed by wedding planning and Jo not doing what she wants, then Javi has to go and stress her out more by surprising her with keys to the new house! 

Instead of celebrating, Kail snuffles about how much it would suck if they had to move because of Jo. Say it with me now: should have thought of that BEFORE buying a house! Javi, sweet Javi, marvels that he's twenty, a homeowner, and a father. Say it with me now: Should have thought of that BEFORE hooking up with Kail!


On moving day Javi's entire family pitches in to haul their crap across state lines. They're not telling Jo about the move – stealth move if you will – and hoping a judge will see that the custody won't be affected. The next week they go into mediation and if they can't reach an agreement a judge will make a decision for them. Hopefully Kail will leave her Snuffy costume at home and also that sheet she was wearing last time she slumped into court. 


Kail whips out some crafting project crap for Isaac's new room. He doesn't like it. Kail tried to get a new hobby besides eating cake and pasta – try again, Snuffy! Congrats on the new home Kail and Javi – hopefully Jo won't ruin it by wanting to, you know, be a dad! Was anyone else bummed MTV didn't give us a tour of the house? Jenelle Evans and Nathan's rented beach pad got the Cribs treatment. Maybe because Kail and Javi can actually afford their home… 

Everything is going from bad to worse in Leah Calvert's world. While Jenelle can't even spend one day per month with Jace, Leah spends a month straight with her kids while Jeremy is working. And she's le sads. She misses him, she's lonely, and she's in a tough place dealing with Ali's diagnosis. I'll try not to be too hard on her, however she should be thankful Jeremy is willing to do his part to pay the medical bills for Ali, which Leah tells us are like $13,000+! 

Even worse for Leah, her best friend KK up and eloped and now she's moving to Vegas like tomorrow. KK comes over to say goodbye and her hair can only be described as looking like ramen noodles styled in the shape of "The Kate." As a proud West Virginian I can assure you most of us DO NOT have hair that looks like refried crispy Chinese noodles styled with electric shock treatment and dyed with Sharpies. Leah… girl, I love you, but seriously no. 


Leah takes Aleeah for some mommy-and-me alone time to get pedicures and I am so distracted by the undergrowth of Leah's hair – seriously was it fungus? – that I nearly missed the whole scene. Aleeah talks about dealing with boys who may pick on her in pre-school (she'll punch them and Leah will be hauling her hair to a lot of parent-teacher conferences) and Leah fills in the nail tech about Ali's wheelchair and nearly cries. They're still planning to move to a more handicap accessible home and Leah has found some property that will work but they will need to live in a double-wide trailer until they can afford to build a house. And Leah may have to sacrifice hair dye. 

Corey Simms is still slightly in denial (or maybe he remains 'in hope') about Ali's condition. He visits his sweet daddy to discuss what's happening. Corey's face has sprouted Chia Pet style and is literally also growing a fungus. I think he got it from Leah the day he dropped the girls off. Corey's dad is proud of him for being strong as he tears up thinking about Ali. I love this family so darn much! 

And moving on to someone I don't love: Jenelle! She takes Jace to swimming lessons and I swear she was driving that child around with no carseat or booster seat. 

On the way home Jace says he doesn't want to leave his mommy. Pretending she cares, but secretly crossing her fingers that Babs will say no, Jenelle calls Babs – ON SPEAKER – to ask if Jace can spend the night. Babs says he's still sick so no. Whew! 

Jenelle goes home to smarmy Nathan – something about him just gives me the creeps. They complain about how Babs won't let Jenelle "be a mom". Obviously Nathan needs to check out previous seasons of TM2 – the ones when Jenelle had no interest in being a mom. Or you know, an episode from two weeks ago when she also had no interest.  

Nathan monotones a speech from cue cards about how he thinks Jenelle is a great mom and they should try to have a baby together because he would love to have MTV pay his bills for a recovering addict who doesn't have custody of her first kid, may end up in prison, and doesn't have a job to be the mother of his OTHER children. Nathan sounds so convincing (sarcasm) – I hope he sells time share pyramid schemes better than that, but probably not which is why you need to latch on to Jenelle for the next 18 years of MTV and Barbara's child support. Mind you: They've been dating like 18 seconds. Like less time than Jace was in swim class. Jenelle decides to go off birth control and then they strategize for how to tell Babs. 


They invite Barbara out for ice cream – which I'm sure she got stuck paying for – and then over scoops of chocolate, they drop some bad news: Jenelle wants to get pregnant. Barbara basically tells Jenelle she's not assuming responsibility for this and slides her a bill for the abortion she just paid for while Jenelle was so broke she could only afford acrylic nails and spray tans.

Barbara points out the obvious (that MOM OF THE YEAR never considered): how will this look to Jace if Jenelle has a new baby while he doesn't live with her? Jenelle, staring at the ceiling confused, is like, 'Jace? I thought his name was Chase? Oh yeah – ummm… I'll have custody by then. We can swap: you take the new baby, Barb, and I'll take Jace since he'll be in school all day by then. And then on weekends you can watch Jace since he'll miss you and I'll be too busy on dating apps and tanning. I mean, since Nathan and I definitely are going to be over by the time TM season 6 airs!' 

Later Jenelle goes to get coffee with a friend – a friend with Ronald McDonald hair, mind you – who laughs in her face when she says she's having a baby. The friend wonders if Jenelle is gonna enjoy being pregnant in prison and Jenelle is like well, at least I'll be able to lay around all day and I won't have to watch Jace either! Score! 

Finally Chelsea Houska – she's hard at work for the first time of her life in aesthetician school and naturally she needs a break. Which includes missing school. Over twin popsicles (irony!) with Megan, Chelsea yammers about how it's STILL her birthday and she STILL hasn't celebrated. 


Chelsea wants to do something really, really big – like match her skin color to the orange popsicle she's eating! No, like book a spontaneous trip to California. Without checking to see if anyone could watch Aubree – maybe Adam is available?! – she grabs the computer and books two plane tickets. 

And the terrible hairsome are off! They spend their hard-earned Papa Randalicious allowance on rollerblades and fancy cake bites. 

Back home in South Dakota, Adam is still attempting to cover his receding hairline with a mohawk (coined "Baldhawk" by Melissa) and he's going out for DRINKS with his friends to discuss all the babies he's got in the world. Apparently now that Paislee (new child, not unfortunate fabric from the 70's) is coming and he'll have two kids Adam wants to get his life together – and take Chelsea to court. His friends nod and hope MTV is good for another round – and hopefully a cab since Adam should spend his money on things other than a FOURTH DUI – like maybe Aubree's preschool which I'm sure Papa Randalicious is shelling out for. 

[Photo Credits: MTV]