Real Housewives of Melbourne Recap – Work Hard, Play Hard, Shop Hard

 Real Housewives of Melbourne

G’day Real Housewives of Melbourne! Bravo is now airing season 1 of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, two episodes each Sunday.  This weekend they kicked off with episodes 1 & 2 and we have your recaps for both!  (ep 2 coming later today).  In episode one we get to know the Aussie Housewives – Lydia Schiavello, Andrea Moss, Jackie Gillies, Chyka Keebaugh, Janet Roach, and Gina Liano

First up is Lydia – she is married to an famous architect, Andrew. They visit their “snow house” (aka second home in the mountains) every weekend via private jet. She has 3 children and 3 stepchildren and they all get along really well.  She is studying interior design – so far so normal!  Oh, wait.  She tells us she wears the pants at home and Andrew wears the pants at work but when Andrew’s home she prefers to be in his pants.  No – ugh. It looks like Lydia will be the housewife that can’t stop talking about banging her husband (a la early days of Alex and Simon – GROSS).  Lydia also loves to spend money.  Just last weekend when she was on ski trip with Andrew she had to have to TRUCK deliver her mounds and mounds of shopping bags.  I have a feeling Lydia is all about money all the time and creepy sex-talk.  Eew.


Then there’s Gina (picture Joan Collins circa ’85) and she is done up all day long.  Her look appears to take hours to achieve.  At least she is somewhat self-aware as she describes herself as the ultimate drag queen (spot on!).  If no other housewife wear a single crystal bead all season, don’t worry Gina has got the bedazzled dresses covered! She has 2 sons and is a barrister (lawyer) and has 2 famous fashion designer sisters. She is in a long-distance relationship for the past 8 years and he lives in the states.  She never sees him – like once every 6 months.  This does not sound like a relationship if you ask me – especially considering all the money she has (and likely he has) that they can’t see each other more often.  Jury is out on how I feel about Gina thus far.


Andrea lives in Toorak – the Beverly Hills of Melbourne.  She manages a renowned skin spa (Liberty Belle) that her husband, plastic surgeon Chris Moss, started with her.  He also has his own surgical practice. They are going to throw a party to introduce their latest laser technology and inviting all the ladies. She comes off as a tough cookie and I would not mess with Andrea.  They have 3 kids and spend loads of time at their beach house on the weekends.  Chris notes that she can multi-task like a superstar (who wouldn’t be able to when you have 5 nannies on rotation!!). 


Welcome Janet to the group!  She is newly twice-divorced and is a real-estate developer in Melbourne with older children.  First impression is that Janet doesn’t take life too seriously and seems to have a good time.  She’s going to visit a psychic because she needs some clarity in her life about what direction she’s heading in and so forth.  This is where Jackie joins the crew. 


Jackie is a psychic medium that is married to her rock-star drummer husband, Ben from Silverchair.  Who?  That would be Silverchair and I can’t even think of their one hit wonder song, but I do remember them.  Jackie makes it known over and over and over again how legendary her husband’s band is which is nothing short of hilarious.  Unlike Gina, I’m not sure Jackie is at all aware of how ridiculous she sounds.  However, she is incredibly blunt and open which I find refreshing.  I think her biggest problem is she painstakingly goes out of her way to establish that she is not high maintenance or snobby, but she kind of is exactly that.  She’s like a glorified groupie of Ben. 

Janet’s reading from Jackie is on target and she seems like she is as authentic as mediums can be.  It’s really quite a sight to see Jackie read her – she’s talking fast, scribbling notes at lightening speed and not messing around.  After the accurate reading, Janet invites Jackie to Andrea’s skincare party to meet the group. 
Hello Chyka! Chyka is a mover and a shaker – she opened an event planning company with her husband, Bruce, 20+ years ago which has flourished and now they are literally rolling around in tons of money and social scene invitations.  Chyka can’t even squeeze in dinner with Bruce for the entire month of August.  C’mon, who is THAT busy? Their marriage seems the most normal of the group and down to earth.  She has two children and appears to be the least pretentious of the women. 
Finally, the Liberty Belle Spa Party! More champagne and all the ladies get to meet each other.  Andrea gives a very short speech about their new laser equipment and drops that her husband is donating $30K to a charity for kids and snooze…  Jackie points out how incredibly boring and lame the party is and thank God Lydia made reservations for dinner for everyone at a restaurant in town afterwards.  Once they arrive to the table, they sit down and I’m having a flashback to Camille Grammer’s dinner with her psychic friend Allison DuBois.  If we’ve learned anything, dinner with psychics and emotionally insecure women are doomed for failure.  
They sit, get acquainted and immediately grill Jackie about her psychic abilities.  Gina demands Jackie read her – particularly about her boyfriend abroad.  Jackie concedes and notes that she sees Gina’s grandmother and mother (calls her by her first name, impressive!) and tells her to dump him. Gina is floored and a little spooked.  Jackie is warning the crew that she could drop a bomb that someone is cheating at the table and she doesn’t want to go into detail, but to just leave it at that.  Whoa!  Gina’s eye grow wide and she presses Jackie to elaborate.  Jackie basically implies that it’s her BF and Gina gets uncomfortable.  Man, Gina – Jackie warned you about readings! 
Gina was obviously not ready to hear this and stay tuned for next week when we see the wrath of Jackie’s reading unfold. 
Recap Author: Bonnie K.
Photo Credit: Bravo TV