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This week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne opens with Pettifleur Berenger shopping for a car for her birthday present. Not just any car – she’s in the showroom taking a Bentley for test drive. She’s hoping her boyfriend foots the $450K bill because she has worked so hard and came from essentially nothing. She wants to make the sure mirrors are in top working order and would like to customize floor mirrors so she can constantly check herself out and not veer off the side of a cliff while driving. And I was hoping to just get a massage for my birthday.

Back at Lydia Schiavello’s house, where she’s hanging out with Figaro (her dog) and her mom. They browse through Figaro’s suitcase full of dog clothes as they prep him for a walk.  That poor pup. During their walk Lydia spills that Janet Roach is 56 years old and that she’s in a better place with her and is trying her best to move on from the past year. This was a pointless scene IMO.

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Moving on to Gamble Breaux’s house – we see her frolicking (sans the rainbow ribbon stick this week) with her dog, Cash. Gamble doesn’t have children and Cash is considered her baby. Except her pooch doesn’t know how to sit or pee, so…um…yeah. She has aspirations of the dog being the next Best in Show and a dog trainer makes a visit to her beach-side estate. Gamble goes on to explain her relationship with Cash and the dog trainer looks at her like “Say What?! Stop taking the damn dog to the hairdresser and your eyelash salon and maybe he’ll start acting like a dog if you treat him like a dog”. The brief training session worked wonders and Gamble admits she should have done this years ago. I think this entire segment deserves a giant Lydia “Wow”. I have no idea what just happened there, but I’m watching Gamble and wondering what planet she is from. Wow. After the doggie day camp, Gamble has a lovely dinner prepared for Rick and Rick’s son, Luke. She shares that wants to get to know the ladies better and decides to host a murder mystery party at her home and have the women dress up as…witches? Um, Okay.

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Segue to the costume shop where Janet, Jackie Gillies and Pettifleur are all searching for the perfect witch attire. Janet and Jackie picked out their sexy lingerie costumes about 3 minutes after they walked into the store and then Pettifleur decided to treat the poor sales associate like a servant and takes FOREVER changing into outfit after outfit, plowing through 10 different pairs of tights and about 9 wigs. Man – that was kind of awful to watch Pettifleur talk down to the sales associate, particularly since Pettifleur reminded us earlier that she came from nothing. This grates on Janet to no end and I smell a fight brewing in the next few days between Janet and Pettifleur.

Janet, Chyka Keebaugh, Jackie and Gamble meet up later to have dinner. Once they get the discussion about how to properly take care of false eyelashes out of the way – Gamble breaks it down for everyone what she thinks of the new crew. She already doesn’t like Lydia because of the no eye contact thing at Janet’s bday party and Pettifleur apparently told her on multiple occasions that she has terrible style. Janet chimes in that Pettifleur was awful on their shopping trip treating the sales people like dirt. Meanwhile, Pettifleur and Lydia are simultaneously having dinner across the town also chatting about the ladies.   Lydia wants to know what she thinks of Gamble. I have to hand it to Pettifleur, she is a no-bullsh***er and says that Gamble is dumb as a doorknob and that Lydia herself is pretentious. Lydia (wearing not one, but two “WOW” necklaces) says just that in response “Wow”. Over yonder, Gamble wastes no time in labeling everyone and calling Pettifleur nouveau riche. Chyka is somewhat offended by this remark, but I can’t help but agree with Gamble on this as she also notes that Pettifleur only cares about how much money you have. If I didn’t just witness her antics of treating the sales people at the costume shop like crap and spazzing over a half million dollar car, I’d give Pettifleur more credit.

The next day, Pettifleur invites Gina Liano over to her house to get to know her more. The best segment of the night is ahead of us. Pettifleur informs Gina that when she is not closing mega real-estate deals (this is still questionable in my book), she is penning a book about b*tches being b*tches or smacking up b*tches or b*tches be crazy and titled it “Switch the B*tch”. Basically, women need to release their inner b*tch. Gina is just nodding at her like and trying not to spit out her champagne.

Rick and Gamble go out to dinner and, in the most adorable old-man way possible, he tells Gamble how much he loves her and that he wants to marry her. It is such a genuine moment that is a rarity in the Housewives franchise. No big gaudy ring (not yet, anyway) – just Rick professing his love to Gamble and it’s sincere and lovely to see.

Later that week, Gamble’s witchy murder mystery party has arrived! Holy crap, Gamble knows how to decorate a party. Her house looks amazing. All the girls arrive in really fantastic and sultry costumes. Then Lydia strolls in as a witch from Snow White (basket of poisonous apple to boot!) in a black hooded nun costume and surprisingly also looks terrific. The murder mystery game was a hot mess of ridiculous accents and I had no idea who killed who at this point.

Halfway through the dinner, Pettifleur announces she’s writing a book. Just when you think Gamble is a total ditz, she makes the most spot-on statement of the night about how the world doesn’t need another Melbourne socialite writing a book (yeah, Andrea – she was talking about you). As Pettifleur painfully tries to explain to the group about the b*tch theme and how women always be b*tches, it doesn’t really go over that well. Everyone is totally confused about the theme. Pettifleur is terrible at pitching her b*tch book to people. They don’t get it. I certainly don’t get it. But before the night is over, Gamble and Rick share the news that they’re engaged. Everyone is happy, but Janet. You can see the blood drain out of her face as Gina noted earlier in the party that Janet was hoping to get some of Rick.

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At lunch the next day, it becomes apparent that Janet has an issue with Gamble. I personally think it’s jealously. Chyka, Gamble and Janet all grab a glass of champs (which is the housewife drink of choice in Melbourne – love it) and bring it to Gamble’s attention that $hit has been talked about her across town. Chyka politely brings up a lawsuit from an old ex about a car that was given to her turned which nasty and the press ran with it. Gamble admits she has no skeletons in her closet. However, Janet then adds unfounded claims that people think she is a stripper and pole dancer and has sex parties all night long. Chyka’s face was all, “What the hell are you talking about, Janet??!!”.   Gamble gets upset and demands to know who’s behind these rumors and Janet can’t tell. Or won’t tell. Because I think it’s Janet. 

Next week – we see Gamble lay into Janet about the BS “rumors” and it looks like it will get nasty!

TELL US – IS JANET MAKING UP THE RUMORS HERSELF?

Recap Author: Bonnie K.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV

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