Real Housewives of Potomac Season 2 Premiere Recap: Humping for a Cause

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been impatiently waiting for the second season of the Real Housewives of Potomac. Maybe you missed hearing about how amazingly rich (yet unknown!) Potomac is. Or maybe you need constant reminding of outdated etiquette from a group of women who can’t even agree on who should sit where for a birthday dinner. Whatever your reason, they are back and I’m thrilled Bravo decided to renew another season of the franchise. Not so thrilling is the fact that Katie Rost isn’t rejoining the crew this season. When she wasn’t badgering her boyfriend into getting fake engaged, she kept it real and held her own. But alas, she is gone too soon and in her place is the saucy Monique Samuels, who is sure to ruffle the insecure feathers of HBIC, Gizelle Bryant. Also disappointing? These girls didn’t even get updated dresses and new film for their taglines. Really, Bravo?

Now that I got that off my chest, we join Gizelle at the salon, getting a fresh wig and filling us in on what those green eyes have been up to. She’s still dating and has recycled someone from the past who doesn’t quite measure up in height, but as long as he’s not short everywhere (wink wink), Gizelle is willing to grace him with her presence. While dating is commonplace for Gizelle, it’s the crux of her beef with cast mate Charrisse Jackson-Jordan, who at last year’s reunion, alluded to Gizelle being a whore for all the dating she’s done. Gizelle doesn’t take kindly to be called out of her name and decided to go on Watch What Happens Live and put Charrisse’s business out there. And I mean WAY out there, by saying that Charrisse was dating a very cute and muscular fireman in the wake of her separation from her elusive husband, Eddie. Under normal circumstances, who cares if Charrisse is getting her groove back with a hunky firefighter? But these aren’t normal circumstances and this rumor could seriously hurt Charrisse’s impending divorce settlement if it’s found to be true. Given that Gizelle went through a nasty divorce herself, she should understand this but we all know Gizelle has a mean streak. Bottom line: don’t start with Gizelle because she will finish it.charrisse-jackson-jordan-premiere

FYI: Charrisse Jackson-Jordan don’t live here anymore. She also don’t refer to herself in the first person, but rather the third person. And if that wasn’t confusing enough, Charrisse is working with an alter-ego named Sha Sha, who wants to look and feel good now that she is getting a divorce. Are you following me? Charrisse is busy doing all things good, eating good and good, good, GOOD, in case you were worried about her state of affairs. But good can’t always be great and in response to Gizelle’s accusations, Charrisse (or Sha Sha?) not only sent a cease and desist letter, but channeled her anger into a new rap that she shares with her daughter while scooting around her kitchen on a hoover board, which I would imagine is how all great raps start.

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Onto more creatively challenged cast mates – Ashley Darby can’t dance. Or dress. She shows up to dance rehearsal in leopard high-waisted spandex and a crop top sweater, looking like she missed auditions to be an In Living Color Fly Girl by about 30 years. Was Ashley even alive when In Living Color was on air? The rehearsal is for the upcoming dance competition for the charity Manifest Your Destiny. Gizelle did it last year and will now be judging this year, so Ashley has reason to sweat. As if her life wasn’t sweaty enough tending to Oz, the new Australian themed restaurant her husband Michael gave her to play with. It’s been open for eight months now and surprise! The people of Potomac aren’t lining up to eat emu, kangaroo or camel. Ashley didn’t realize how much she would have on her plate (get it?) trying to play restaurant owner and it’s really affecting her sex life with Michael, not to mention Michael’s bank account since he pumped over $1 million into Oz.

Despite Michael’s financial stake in things, Ashley needs to feel respected about her ideas and the fact that she worked her un-manicured cuticles to the bone trying to create a new menu for Oz that doesn’t serve up koala bears on a plate. As the new chef stands by awkwardly, Michael argues over the cost of the beef put in front of him and tells Ashley this will push back their breakeven point and we all know what that means: no baby making until they break even on the restaurant. Ashley is incredulous that Michael would suggest their already named babies of Brady or Hawthorne (ugggggh) will have to wait and is probably wishing a tornado would take her back to Kansas already.

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Speaking of far away places, Robyn Dixon is adjusting to life after her house went into foreclosure and was forced to move into a smaller house in (gasp!) Baltimore. She’s still living with her ex-husband of four years, Juan, so they can raise their kids together, sleep together in the same bed and continue the relationship of a married couple but don’t call it a relationship! Robyn can’t and won’t thanks to Juan’s roving eye that caused them to break up in the first place.

When Gizelle comes to visit Robyn’s new place, dressed in a full leotard for the occasion, she tries hard to steer clear of the fact that Robyn is clearly slumming it, both with her house and her man. Luckily, Robyn has a bone to pick with her and tells her she was wrong for putting Charrisse’s business out there without knowing whether or not it’s true. Instead of listening to Robyn’s words, Gizelle doubles down and uses the defense that Charrisse told her she cheated on Eddie all the time so she barely even put her business out there by only mentioning that one little fireman fling. This is where we see the trouble start in all housewives’ friendships that don’t even well – Robyn sees what a crappy friend Gizelle is being to someone else and wonders if she is next. The seeds of doubt are planted.

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Now for the moment we have all been waiting for <cue the royal trumpets> the self-proclaimed Grande Dame of Potomac, Karen Huger is back and she’s doing GRAND things like….house hunting? As an empty nester? Ok, not so grand and kind of boring actually. Especially because her real estate agent had the audacity to bring her and her husband, Ray, a/k/a Dr. Black Bill Gates, to a $1.2 million dollar property that doesn’t even have a circular driveway! Horrifying, I know. Despite being Dr. Black Bill Gates (who must have earned his doctorate since last season when he was only referred to as The Black Bill Gates), Ray is willing to make downsizing work while Karen, well, let’s just say that Karen is not a lady to make anything “just work”. As she walks through the property, her face screws up like she is whiffing piles of the imaginary dog poo she is daintily stepping around. That’s going to be a no on this house.

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Back over at Charrisse’s house, Charrisse or Sha Sha (this is going to be really hard to keep track of), has her very own glam minion in the form of Sheldon, her daughter’s former cheer coach. He’s there to do what every glam minion does for a real housewife: watch her try on clothes while they sip champagne and talk sh*t on the other housewives. Naturally, the talk du jour is about Gizelle, who is full of haterade for Charrisse and her new self (or is it selves?). Charrisee also fills Sheldon in on Eddie, who is like the Big Foot of Potomac – people claim he exists, but no one has ever really seen him. The divorce is moving forward and Eddie is staying in New Jersey, despite being fired from his head coaching job, but he better get a new job fast to refill Charrisse’s closet and Sheldon’s champagne glass.

At the Manifest Your Destiny event, Ashley is ready to dance and the ladies are there to judge watch. As Karen, Gizelle and Robyn gather around the bar before it starts, Charrisse walks up right as they are talking about her and Karen lets it be known that 1) they were talking about her and 2) it’s only because they are worried about her and want to help. Don’t get it twisted, Charrisse is good with a capital G, as she has told us 100 times this episode. But she does need to have a talk with Gizelle, who brushes her off so she can go judge the competition.

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Ashley takes the stage in a fringe one piece dress that would make Tina Turner herself proud and does some kind of weird chair dance, capped off with backup dancers at the end. Despite how odd it looked spliced together in the clip, Ashley earns a 10 from Gizelle, along with the mirror ball trophy. Karen is happy Ashley, who likes to hump, is now out there humping for a cause.

While the ladies are backstage fawning over Ashley’s tight little booty, Gizelle tries to make a quick getaway but Charrisse is persistent and demands five minutes of Gizelle’s very precious time. They step outside and step right into the boxing ring as they hash it out. There is nothing really new to be said, Gizelle is mad she was called a whore and wants an apology, Charrisse will do nothing of the sort because she didn’t really say that and Gizelle should be lucky all Charrisse did was send a letter from her lawyer. Despite being incredibly petty, Gizelle always does manage to keep her cool in these fights and remains permanently unbothered. Sha Sha has no choice but to call Gizelle crazy as she saunters off into the Potomac night.

TELL US – WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE FIRST EPISODE? IS IT ALREADY BETTER THAN LAST SEASON?

Photo Credit: Bravo TV