Comscore

Anfisa-Beige-Broke-Guy-Quote-TH-90-Day-Fiance

What looks like a live, painful, very slow train wreck and rhymes with Beyonce? Yep! It’s 90 Day Fiance!!! The show whose producers should win Emmy’s for their casting prowess alone. To you loyal fans out there, I’ve missed you! And if you’re new here, stick around – because this is the best show on television that you accidentally watched, then immediately became addicted to. Promise. The concept? Single Americans meet the “loves of their lives” overseas, then drag bring them to the U.S. on a K-1 fiance Visa, which requires couples to get married within 90 days.

This season picks up with couples who’ve already gotten married under the K-1 system, showing us where they are now and how married life is suiting them. Or in Danielle and Mohammed’s case, how potential jail time/insane asylum commitment is shaping up. Spoiler Alert! They still win Best In Show for being the most dysfunctional couple to have EVER graced the 90 Day Fiance franchise – although Jorge and Anfisa are giving them a run for their money. (Wait? What money? Never mind.) Also joining the herd this year are Loren and Alexi, Chantel and Pedro, and Russ and Paola. Hey, TLC: We demand you unearth Mark and Nikki from the pit wherever he’s keeping her too! Maybe next time.

Since last night was a packed-full, 2-hour episode, I’ll be giving a highlights recap here of the best stuff (I know you’ll fill in the blanks in the comments section with the multitude of juicy tidbits I may have left out!).

So, let’s see where life and love have taken these tortured souls since we saw them last Fall. We begin with Jorge, who recounts his whirlwind nightmare romance with Anfisa, which involved bringing her over from Russia so she could shut down his phone, key his car, and bleed him dry of the meager funds he’s raising through his marijuana business. Since last we saw Jorge, he’s obviously developed major depression. Since we last saw Anfisa, she bought a better coat. The couple’s arrangement that Jorge pay for the lifestyle he promised Anfisa is still in play – but Jorge can’t keep his end of the bargain up. Anfisa no happy! (But hey – even the Anfisa haters out there have to admit that she was brutally honest about her business terms from the jump.)

Now married for six months, Jorge says it’s been good. “I hate being married to Jorge,” deadpans Anfisa. They’re still living in a 1-bedroom apartment, and Anfisa is applying for a green card/work visa so…she can not work some more, but legally. Frankly, she’d rather go to restaurants and scowl at people. Oh – and Jorge’s family still hates Anfisa. So, not much has changed. (Except maybe Anfisa’s face? Something is going on there, no?)

Uh oh. She’s baaaaaaaaack! In Ohio, Danielle is texting smiley emojis to her new boyfriend. Which is just…wrong. WHO ARE THESE DUDES?!?! She recounts her sad tale of trying to keep Mohammed as a sex slave, then him abandoning her for warmer climates and less psychotic women. Mohammed has accused Danielle of cheating as well, which again, I have no words for. Since she flew down to stalk/confront Mohammed in Miami last year, Danielle has spent her time sticking pins into a Mohammed voodoo doll and trolling the internet for her next victim. Meanwhile, Mohammed has been all over social media trying to claim innocence, all the while waiting for his divorce to come through.

Danielle says she hasn’t been this happy in a long time. The “boyfriend” – who will remain in quotes until proof of life is offered – lives six hours away and in her very tiny imagination. Danielle’s all, “Mohammed? He’s gonna get some payback!” giggling like a woman who has no clue that the world owes her nothing, nor does she have any idea how to operate within it. She plans to continue stalking him into submission.

Paola-Photoshoot-Miami-90-Day-Fiance

Speaking of Miami – the place where all 90 Day Fiance ne’er-do-wells escape to – Paola is there trying to make the model/actress thing happen. So, where’s her husband, Russ? You know, he’s just over there chillin’ in Oklahoma, totally cool with his wife ditching him for a different city and new life. KIDDING! Russ is in OK, but he’s not O-K. No, no, no. He’s like the opposite of okay, barely tolerating Paola’s shenanigans. Yet he stays married to her…why? Paola just wants to pose nude and star in telenovelas and die her hair a tragic shade of blonde, yo! She’s delusional. Russ doesn’t seem to have a clue how to address this situation, though, which is pathetic.

So Russ is trying to make the best of a sh*t sandwich, selling his house and looking for work in Miami. Paola ain’t coming back to him, so he’s following her, come what may.

Alexei-Loren-90-Day-Fiance-001

Since Loren and Alexi’s second wedding in Israel, they’re back in Florida eating leftovers and doing laundry. So, actual marriage stuff. Loren is missing NYC, which she feels like she sacrificed to bring Alexi over on the K-1 Visa. The couple seem like the most likely to – well, if not succeed, at least not murder/arrest each other. But since most of Alexi’s friends and family shunned the couple in Israel, they’re feeling a bit isolated.

At least they have Loren’s parents, who keep a very close, codependent eye on their daughter. Alexi is working now, but Loren isn’t. She blames the city, of course, instead of her own skills and ambition. Alexi’s just done with hearing Loren whine about her old life. He’s like, “I’m the immigrant,” sick of her selfish complaining. He’s also not thrilled with Loren’s plan to visit her friend, Sarah, in NYC, who he considers a bad influence after the bachelorette party betrayal.

Elsewhere in Florida, Mohammed has hired a stylist from Forever 21 and a barber circa 1993. He is going for a certain look, ladies. He’s also trying to hide from Danielle by staying on the move – and driving an Uber! (Have these passengers not seen TLC, the news, the internet – like, ever? I would gladly pay $500 to ride around in Mohammed’s Uber for an hour if he let me ask him some very pointed questions.) In all seriousness though, at least he’s proving employment. Scoreboard: Mohammed, 1. Danielle, 0.

At home later, Mohammed is served with annulment paperwork, which Danielle has filed for AGAIN. Since she couldn’t snag him into loving her with a divorce (Wtf?!), she’s pulling rank again. She wants him deported. When Mohammed calls Danielle to discuss the issue, the monosyllabic conversation ends in Mohammed threatening to come to Ohio. He’s not going down without a fight! He withstood Danielle’s private female medical “issues,” after all (which we all need ear bleach to un-hear).

Meanwhile, Paola is visiting a modeling agent/friend to hear some painful truths: She isn’t special, she is in for a rude awakening, and she needs a side job along with a drastic makeover. Paola agrees to go blonde in the name of ambition, but the end result is anything but runway ready. Essentially, it says “JC Penny Sale” more than Vogue. And she’s $450 poorer for it to boot.

Back in LA, Jorge and Anfisa are house hunting. Anfisa would like a 5-bedroom mansion with a pool, while Jorge just needs something with a garage he can sleep in. Jorge wonders if promising Anifsa a life he can’t really afford was perhaps a bad move. Hmm? Magic 8 Ball reads: Decidedly So. He can’t afford the $15K it would take for upfront rental costs, let alone purchase a home of this size anytime soon. Anfisa wonders why Jorge doesn’t have money when he bragged all along that he did? She’ll find out soon, no doubt.

Breaking news: Anfisa made a friend! Miranda is her name, and wearing all black is her game. She works at the jewelry store where Jorge got Anfisa’s engagement ring, and apparently Anfisa and Miranda have struck up some sort of strange relationship since then. As they shop for clothes, Anfisa complains about Jorge’s bait and switch act. Miranda wonders what will happen when Anfisa gets her green card? Anfisa knows she fits the stereotype of a gold digger, but to be fair, Jorge signed up for the same ride Anfisa did. And he’s an idiot for thinking love would conquer all. This has never been about love, and he knows it. But instead of facing that hard truth, he’d rather focus on Anfisa’s spending habits and greed – both of which she made plain from day one.

Jorge hasn’t been honest with Anfisa about his income, though. “Aren’t you a millionaire?” asks Anfisa. “No,” shrugs Jorge, who admits that actually, he’s in “a little debt.” Anfisa can’t believe her cold, dead ears. Anfisa reiterates that she’s always been honest with him (despite how brutal her message has been), yet he’s lied all along. She married him under false pretenses and doesn’t plan on “adapting” to his lies, as he requests. Instead of facing up to his part in this disaster, Jorge just blames Anfisa for being childish. She is, yes. But, dude – So. Is. He.

Chantel-Pedro-Beach-Hug-90-Day-Fiance

In Atlanta, Pedro and Chantel are settling into married life after lying to Chantel’s parents all the way up to their wedding day. Because of Chantel’s ruse (that Pedro went along with) her family doesn’t trust him now.  DUH. And Pedro misses his own family more than ever. He’s gotten his green card and is working as a dishwasher and in a warehouse to pay the bills while Chantel finishes school. Chantel admits that if she had it all to do over again, she’d handle things differently. But she’s made her bed, which unfortunately Pedro has to lie in with her. To rectify the situation, the couple are planning another wedding in the Dominican Republic (Pedro’s home country) so both families can unite and support them.

Back in Loren’s world, she’s still planning on visiting Sarah despite Alexi’s concerns. Sarah lives in Buffalo, but agrees to meet Loren in NYC so she can relive her past – or whatever. Ugh. This girl is obviously trying make a storyline happen out of thin air.

In a decidedly more compelling/revolting tale up North, Danielle gets ready to meet Mohammed to discuss the annulment. But before that, she’s looking at buying a trailer. She’s trying to make better financial decisions for herself and her kids these days, and she wants to do it on her own. Beth (remember this lady? Omg – she has been resurrected for more shakedowns!) is along for the ride, cheering on Danielle’s “new place, new man, new life!” Well, new place maybe. Danielle swears she’s “tired of the drama” with Mohammed, and is now totally over him. Mmm hmm.

Before their meet up, Mohammed calls Danielle to ask for a ride because he’s run out of gas on the highway. It’s the moment Danielle has dreamed of: SHE REJECTS HIM! She gleefully cackles while telling Mohammed that she won’t be helping him out of his sticky situation. He’ll just have to call an Uber.

Someone who is loving her new life – and new hair – is Paola. She’s out with friends celebrating her escape from Oklahoma, where she felt like a fish out of water from the start. Paola’s close friend Juan doesn’t understand why she gave up her life for Russ, who’s as dusty as OK, in his mind. Paola defends that Russ isn’t boring. But she doesn’t like living with him. That’s all! Nooooo biggie.

But there’s always Skype! When Paola shows Russ her new ‘do later that night, he’s somewhat receptive, but taken aback. He’s also surprised that Paola made such a drastic move just because some janky modeling agent told her to. The real bomb though is that Paola will not be America’s Next Top Model overnight after all. She’ll need a real job, just like the rest of us. It seems like Russ would know this already, but perhaps he’s been drinking the reality TV Kool Aid for too long to register logic anymore.

In Ohio, Mohammed is visiting that truth-dropping lawyer he saw last year. (I love this guy!) He tells Mohammed that he’s in danger of being deported anytime, anywhere, period. If the annulment goes forward, that is. So they have to build a case around Mohammed’s intentions – which he claims were pure, despite the zillion signs pointing otherwise. As Mohammed presents all of the reasons he is right, the lawyer is like, okay – alright. Shut up and let me take care of this mess for you. Just don’t be an idiot! Tall order for this guy.

Another guy who remains a world class idiot is Jorge, who’s still bewildered about Anfisa’s reaction to his confession about not being a millionaire. At dinner, she reiterates his dishonesty while Jorge just dumbly acts like he’s new here and has never met this chick before. Jorge, let us introduce you to your wife: She likes money, plastic surgery, and long strolls through the mansion you promised her. Anfisa, meet Jorge: He likes lying to desperate women about his finances to get laid. Are we all acquainted now? Good!

Instead of ‘fessing up, Jorge lamely whines that he screwed up his business to be with Anfisa. And he says he’s only a few thousand dollars in debt – oh wait! Make that $30K. (So, let’s call it $100K.) No dummy, Anfisa has already researched post-nuptial agreements, and she wants one drawn up STAT so she doesn’t have to take on his debt. Jorge just laments that she’s making it all about the money – whah!

Perhaps he doesn’t remember Anfisa telling him she was marrying him for money last year? No? Because I do. “If you don’t like it, then leave!” taunts a flustered Jorge. Which she does, immediately. Because this woman does not play. Jorge has conned the wrong gal. Let the War Of The Dueling Grifters begin! We’re just getting started. And it’s gonna be epic.

TELL US: WILL ANFISA LEAVE JORGE? SHOULD HE HAVE BEEN HONEST ABOUT HIS FINANCES, OR IS ANFISA TOO GREEDY? WILL DANIELLE GIVE MOHAMMED A DIVORCE, OR WILL HE GET DEPORTED?

Photo Credit: TLC

Click here to read our Comment Policy