The couples of 90 Day Fiance have done what might seem impossible to the average, everyday Joe. They travel to distant lands to find each other, fall in love, navigate complication governmental red tape, and learn about each other’s cultures while spending a harried 90 days engaged. Then they get married and file restraining orders on each other. It’s a modern day fairy tale, people! If the tale ends in domestic battery or on an episode of Snapped, that is – especially if you’re Jorge & Anfisa or Mohamed & Danielle. Although Chantel & Pedro, Loren & Alexi, and Russ & Paola are slowly descending into the pit of terrifying dysfunction with each passing week as well.
After admitting “a little bit of debt” – or tens of thousands of dollars – Jorge doesn’t understand why the bride he paid for is upset. Sitting like a stooge at the table after Anfisa walks off, Jorge finally skulks out to drive her home. Anfisa wants a post-nuptial agreement so she doesn’t bear responsibility for Jorge’s financial mess – a mess that he’s been lying about since day one. She also looks like she wants to murder him on the drive home. She feels like she’s been swindled, agreeing to marry a man of means who would provide a certain lifestyle. Instead, she’s stuck in a one-bedroom apartment with a guy in a Kohl’s shirt.
In Miami, Paola is still under the illusion that she’ll be a top model, while Russ and the dog are back in Oklahoma pretending that this is a normal marriage. Since Paola has no work, she’s gonna Dance, Dance, Dance! Also unemployed, Russ leaves his unfurnished house for a minute to meet up with a friend, who all but tells Russ flat-out that he’s insane for going along with Paola’s harebrained scheme to strike it rich. “What does that mean for you?” he wonders. Russ has no answers. Or plans. Or solutions.
Loren and Alexi are still trying to make this “I love New York” storyline happen, so Loren is heading there to visit her old friend, Sarah. Alexi doesn’t like Sarah since he thinks she’s the one who forced strippers on his blushing bride at her bachelorette party. To ease the blow of leaving, Loren makes a casserole. Alexi’s like, This casserole is made of LIES! Actually, he’s pretty chill, but worried that Loren will misbehave in NYC. He thinks Sarah is a bad influence.
After threatening to meet Danielle in person to discuss her second annulment attempt, Mohamed is making good on his promise. He’s flown north to meet his destiny. In the car, Mohamed’s muses, “I have a weird feeling.” That weird feeling may be fear, it may be explosive diarrhea – whatever it is, it is fully justified. As they sit down for coffee, Mohamed raises his issues with the annulment: His green card may be revoked and he may be deported. Danielle’s all, “Yeaaaaaaahhhhhh.” She likes this new power she has. And she will not be tricked by this friendly, nice Mohamed creature.
“He don’t know the new me!” she delusionally cheers. But the new Danielle looks a lot like the old Danielle, except with added facial twitching and a trailer, I guess. Danielle also giggles to Mohamed that she’s seeing someone. (Again, I demand PROOF.) Mohamed hopes this new fake boyfriend will take the heat off of him, and he’s even willing to lie to Danielle about remaining friends if she’ll give him what he wants. But Danielle wants something in return: Mohamed must apologize to her family! He agrees.
In OK, Russ has also decided to fold his cards. He’s driving to Miami to be with Paola, despite not having sold the house or found a job. On the phone with Paola, the couple vow to make it work despite the incredible odds against them. Ah, love. It’s all you need, eh? (Besides an income, trust, and shared values.)
In NYC, Loren waxes poetic about the city she left behind for love (barf) as she waits for Sarah to join her. As the ladies sip martinis, Sarah starts to spill some truth. She’s sick of being the bad guy for “making” Loren see strippers at her bachelorette party, when in truth Loren specifically asked for strippers. What the WHAT!?!?
Apparently, Loren called Sarah crying after she learned that Alexi had strippers at his bachelor party, so she vowed to do the same. Sarah hadn’t planned on doing the stripper thing, but she agreed to based on Loren’s request. Now, Sarah is the “Devil woman” in Alexi’s eyes because Loren hasn’t copped to the truth. So, is Loren going to come clean with him before this footage rolls? “I started my marriage on a lie and I really need to fix it,” she says.
But let’s get back to the actual dumpster fire of this show: Jorge and Anfisa, who are going to a lawyer to get that post-nuptial agreement drawn up. Spoiler Alert: It does NOT go well. First item of contention: Jorge is worth $150k, not $1 million. Second item: Jorge doesn’t want Anfisa to be entitled to 50% of his assets until they’ve been married for five years. Not to be trifled with, Anfisa has a simple answer. “No,” she says.
Anfisa doesn’t know if she’ll be married to Jorge in five minutes, let alone five years. She’s a stone cold b*tch, but she’s no dummy. And this dude has been lying to her since the moment he swiped right. Also, Anfisa just wants the debt issue (in which the “b” is not silent, apparently) to be laid out in this agreement; she doesn’t even want anything about
non existent assets in there. She just needs to know that Jorge won’t be syphoning funds from her future bank account once she finds a legit sugar daddy to pad it.
After the lawyers leave them alone, Jorge whines that it’s not fair! But Anfisa thinks she deserves everything he promised her, including that $100K ring. “I’m not gonna screw myself over just to make you happy,” goads Jorge, calling Anfisa immature. In response, Anfisa hauls off and SMACKS him. Um, that translates in every language. And while physical violence is never the answer, I just have to wonder, will Jorge EVER GET A CLUE? This woman is not here to love, protect, and cherish him. He didn’t sign up for that sh*t, no matter how much he protests he did. He bought this chick online, and now he’s going to pay a very steep price for reneging on the deal. She’s horrible. He just needs to admit he is too.
“I don’t feel bad after I hit him,” says Anfisa, who needs to immediately think about a future career in women’s wrestling. “He deserved it.” The lawyer, also traumatized by being in this dysfunctional couple’s presence, advises them to go work their issues out and come see her when they’re calm. Which will be the 10th of never.
In Miami, Paola is trying to contact her agent so she has “good news” to tell Russ. But the
totally suspicious agent is suddenly nowhere to be found! Imagine that? No matter, for Russ is on his way to be with his woman. To celebrate, Paola rented a hotel room. She wants to remind him why he chose her and needs to continue supporting her. Rose petals on the bed should do the trick, thinks Paola. An easy mark, Russ fall for it hook, line, and red neglige.
Ooh – it’s almost time for Mohamed’s public apology! Danielle gathers her sister, Sarah (and husband, Paul), and son, Corey, to discuss the idea first. Mohamed having a restraining order against Corey might throw a hitch in his plan to apologize, but Danielle is hopeful she can repair the damage with her family anyway. Sarah presses Danielle about sticking to the annulment, and deporting his trifling a$$. Mealy-mouthed Danielle doesn’t commit, but swears she’s not going to be “sweet talked” by him again. No one believes her, of course. Also, no one is calling Danielle out on her part in this f**king fiasco, which is typical.
But will they meet with Mohamed to hear his apology? “I ain’t meeting up with anyone!” complains Corey
because he’s not allowed to by court order. But Sarah and Paul agree to do the deed, only if it means Danielle will FINALLY move on. So Danielle calls Mohamed up right away to come meet them before they change their minds! And he shows up! (OMG – Am I sweating? This is weirdly intense.)
So Mohamed saunters up in his $900 Canada Goose parka (we see you, Mo!) to kowtow to Danielle and her sidekicks in camo. It goes thusly: Mo pulls a Real Housewives apology, saying he’s sorry if he “did anything they didn’t like.” Then he launches in to defending himself for a nanosecond before Sarah and Paul go in HOT. They have many, many questions Mo can’t answer, but they also don’t seem to know the full picture of who Danielle really is.
Mohamed’s like, “Sarah and Paul, they are double faces!” Which means they are not hip to his jive, man. Or something. Danielle just stands idly by while Mohamed outs some of Danielle’s transgressions. Sarah and Paul don’t want to hear this crap though, and if Mo had even one brain cell left, he would change tactics now. They want him deported, and tell him so in plain English. “That would make you happy?” smirks Mohamed, who has no plans of returning to Tunisia quietly, despite what he formerly claimed. “I’m telling you, I’m not going back,” he says. In order to avoid restraining order #2, Paul walks away, followed by Sarah.
Mohamed tells Danielle that whelp, he tried! But no one wants to listen to his totally-real-not-at-all-fake story! Danielle is so NOT over this dude, it’s beyond sad. She tells him she believes his sincerity, hoping her family will come around to this swell guy somehow, someday. Until then, she’s just gonna play pretend with that new boyfriend of hers.
Meanwhile, Loren and Sarah are out on the town talking about what a sh*tty friend Loren is. She promises to tell Alexi the truth when she gets home. But now, they must dance! Badly, it seems, as some dude on the dance floor totally disses their moves. Snort! Blame it on the dance-shaming or the alcohol, but Sarah decides to pull the phone away from Loren when she calls him to see if they’re all good now…or what? Alexi is not having it. He still hates her, and that’s that. Hmmm…Loren is rethinking this whole “I’m gonna tell him the truth” thing now.
In Georgia, Chantel is meeting up with her family to plead with them about liking Pedro. It actually seems like the family wants to welcome them into their arms, but Pedro isn’t feeling the love. Bottom line: Chantel created a nightmare situation for Pedro. So she thinks throwing another wedding in the Dominican Republic with both of their families present will mend the relationship. Chantel’s mom wonders if his family even wants to meet them? They’ve never reached out – ever – before or after the wedding. Now, it’s just awkward.
Plus, Pedro’s mom had issues with Chantel’s parents wanting a prenup for their daughter. But they’ll go the the wedding, despite their concerns (well, maybe not Chantel’s brother, River). Ultimately, her parents will make an effort if Pedro (and his family) will. Also – Chantel needs to make an effort to take responsibility for orchestrating an impossible situation for everyone involved. (Still waiting on that…)
As Loren says goodbye to Sarah in NYC, she thinks about what she has to tell Alexi. After she lands back in FL, Alexi welcomes her back with dinner made – and a lot of questions about Sarah. Why is that broad so pushy? he wonders. Loren dances around the issue, repeating why she wants Alexi and Sarah to “make amends” over and over. She doesn’t cop to the truth about her part in the bachelorette party, though, shoving Sarah under the bus a few more inches instead.
In LA, Jorge and Anfisa are in
prison the car discussing their pathetic arrangement. They don’t want to get a divorce (yet!), but Anfisa is still white-hot pissed about being lied to. Jorge claims he was just too obsessed with Anfisa to think straight! He thought she was joking when she said she was marrying him for money! But the jokes on him, because this lady was as serious as a case of genital herpes. Jorge bemoans their fate. He wants to be married to Anfisa for the rest of his life – it’s not a game to him. But how can Anfisa believe anything this guy says when he’s been lying to her since the beginning?
Cut back to Atlanta, where Chantel is filling Pedro in on her dinner with the fam. She asked River to come over to go on a grown man play date with Pedro, hoping it will solve their deeper problems. Slight problem: Pedro doesn’t even play basketball. So, the terrible ordeal devolves into a verbal and physical smackdown between two men who were never given a fair shot because of Chantel’s lies. River thinks Pedro is a sham, and Pedro thinks River is a snake. The two will never see eye to eye, so there’s no point. When Pedro finally storms off, River snarks that he’ll probably quit the marriage just like he quit the game.
Speaking of lies, Loren is finally ready to reveal hers. When she confesses the truth to Alexi in FL, he wonders who this woman he’s married to really is. (I’m wondering why the hell Alexi thought it was okay to have strippers at his party, but not at Loren’s? #DoubleStandard). Not willing to hear another word after Loren makes her confession, Alexi stomps off to the bedroom to sulk. These two are becoming more ridiculous by the minute.
Loren follows him into the bedroom to continue their argument, which is now about her lies rather than men in thongs. Loren doesn’t seem to have a clue how to own her lies though, turning the argument around on Alexi. “I didn’t mean to hurt you intentionally!” cries Loren, who just wants all of her problems to go away. Alexi just wants to live in a drama-free zone. But he married Loren, so…good luck with that.
The drama between Pedro and Chantel is ratcheting up to full tilt after that forced basketball game too, despite Chantel’s wishes. “Enough!” thinks Pedro while Chantel sits in bed willing the world and all of the humans in it to obey her commands.
And finally, we end in LA with Jorge driving back to the lawyer’s office to have a secret meeting with them. He told Anfisa he was “just going the the garage,” then took the eff off! Nice thinking, Jorgey. But Anfisa is wise to his schemes, calling him up to scream the scream of a scorned woman. “COME BACK! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME!” she wails, not okay with Jorge lying to her about his whereabouts. Threatening him within an inch of his life, Anfisa demands he send an Uber for her or come back RIGHT NOW!!!
One request: Can Mohamed please be the driver of that Uber? Because that would be the full circle moment we truly deserve.
TELL US: SHOULD MOHAMED BE DEPORTED? WILL ANFISA AND JORGE MAKE IT TO 5 YEARS? SHOULD ALEXI FORGIVE LOREN? IS PEDRO THE WRONGED PARTY, OR SHOULD HE MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT?
Photo Credit: TLC