Now that we have gotten the whole cast trip/everyone has come together in a moment of bonding out of the way, it’s time for the Shahs of Sunset to tear it all down! If I had to sum up our band of merry Shahs in one word tonight, it would be
cheaters truth warriors. OK, well that’s two words but you get the idea – this gang just cannot stop until the truth,or whatever they happen to think is the truth, comes out. The focus of the truth warriors’ quest for answers is resident fly-under-the-radar-good-guy-to-the-point-of-boredom, Shervin Roohparvar, who is being accused of sleeping around with (GASP!) another Bravolebrity. And if you thought that his friends were going to let him get away with it, your guess is colder than one of Asa Soltan Rahmati’s frozen embryos. What about confronting him with this information in a really inappropriate time and place? Warmer. Then saying you will keep his secret? Warmer. Then inviting his supposed mistress to a party he will be at and confronting him with what he told you in confidence in front of all of his friends while demanding he admit it to everyone? Burning up! Can you guys handle the truth? Read on….
Asa and her pregnant-self head over to her parent’s house for some home cooking and Grade A self-pity. In case anyone forgot in the last week, Asa is really pregnant and aside from it being the most magical miracle that has ever happened to anyone, it’s also REALLY hard, you guys. I mean, can anyone even possibly understand how physically tiring it was for her to occasionally walk around Israel on an all-expense paid holiday with her friends? Anyone? This has all left Asa feeling extremely alone, although I thought Asa felt anything but alone with her baby making the spiritual pilgrimage right along with her. Asa complains that the lack of support and love she received from her friends is quite shocking, as Bravo expertly cuts to a montage of her being helped with her rolling luggage, being asked a million times if she needs anything and even being offered a damn chocolate chip cookie. I can’t even with her – she has taken her pregnancy to a whole new level of attention seeking that no one can keep up with.
It’s Caveman’s Night Out and that means Reza Farahan, Mike Shouhed and Shervin are out on the town with some friends, toasting to all wearing the same leather bomber jacket or something. Mike claims to have had a “jew-piphany” while in Israel, which is kind of like an epiphany but way more vapid. Apparently, he realized he should be out there, looking for the next Mrs. Shouhed
to cheat on. Shervin won’t stand idly by and wait for Mike to find his own women to drag back to their lair of a VIP section, so he decides to help a Persian out and go do it for him, all to get immediately ignored by the first woman who walks by.
Destiney Rose shows up to help him out too and pour tequila from the bottle down his throat. Mike talks about how great she is, but is keeping her firmly in the friend zone because it’s just not worth a few hours in the bedroom. In case anyone didn’t hear (or blocked out) the few hours in the bedroom part, Mike repeats it so everyone understands he is claiming that he can go for a few hours in the sack. Ugh, yes, Mike, we get it, no need to desperately reinforce the claim we are all pretending not to hear. Instead of being subjected to a few hours in the bedroom with Mike, instead Destiney gets to watch him throw out lines like, “I will change your life” and receive lap dances from women who wear lingerie for a night out. Finally, Mike realizes that the ass grinding in his face isn’t what he truly wants in a woman – he wants a woman who is home, cooking Shabbat dinner and rearranging the gold felt pillows on his gold felt couch. He leaves alone, certain he isn’t going to find his next wife in the club.
Reza meets Mercedes “MJ” Javid to go and look at cabinet knobs, of all things. Even though cabinet knobs are at the bottom of MJ’s list of things that need to be fixed in her life, he is hoping that picking some out will lead her in the direction she needs to go in. According to Reza, if you’re a person with 50% awareness, you will have a transformation in Israel and dammit, MJ needs to be transformed. What he’s forgetting is that MJ is more like 50% clueless and the other 50% of her is made up of spray tan solution that has seeped too deeply into her body. His plan to lead her on the right path immediately backfires as MJ gets overwhelmed by all the choices and imagines being confronted with her bad choice of knobbery every time she turns on the sink or opens a kitchen cabinet. After what feels like hours of footage, MJ finally picks out a towel hook and calls it a day.
Later, Reza is lounging at a hookah bar and he gets a call from MJ, all hopped up on juicy gossip and Lucite towel hooks. When she tells him he better be sitting down, Reza wants to know if she’s pregnant but it’s even better than that: Shervin has been sleeping with Tara (from Newlyweds The First Year quasi-fame) for the last five months and Tara told her husband, who kicked her out of the house. If any of you watched Newlyweds The First Year like me, I’m assuming you aren’t surprised. Maybe it was the fact that she got together with her current husband after cheating on then husband with him or maybe it was the threesome they were about to have in their hot tub with her friend just a few months shy of being married. Either way, I was wondering why she was hanging around the Shahs so much but figured she just really missed being on TV.
Anyway, MJ drops the bomb and makes Reza promise not to tell anyone, making it really awkward when Shervin, Mike and Tommy Feight show up to hang out. It’s about to get even more awkward when Tommy asks how Shervin’s “broad” is doing and Shervin goes on a tangent about how much he loves her and that she is the first woman who has made him realize he doesn’t have to have a Persian wife. Reza sits in silence, marinating on the BS of it all but surprisingly, doesn’t say anything for once.
Golnesa “GG” Gharachedaghi shows up at a baby boutique to shop for Asa’s miracle and announces to the store owner that she is shopping for a friend who has a little penis growing inside of her. The owner fakes a laugh, pretending that this is a normal way for someone to request to see baby boy clothes, and shoves GG towards the back of the store where her filthy mouth can’t soil any new customers coming in. All this baby stuff is naturally giving GG baby fever and given that she’s been in a relationship for a whole two months, why wouldn’t she have babies on the brain? Shervin shows up to
take up space help and amid the baby onesies and adorable little shoes, GG takes a call on speaker from her doctor’s office, who is letting her know that since she discontinued her RA meds a few weeks ago, she can start trying to get pregnant in two months’ time. GG gets off the phone and breathlessly relays to Shervin that she could be shopping here for herself in a few short months, while Shervin tries to mask his horror at the fact that she has only been dating this guy for two months and is already going off her meds so she can try and get pregnant with him. But just as quickly as that crazy train left the station, another one arrives and GG changes the subject to MJ telling everyone that Shervin has been swinging his ding-a-ling in people’s vagina’s other than his girlfriend’s. Ugh, why does GG talk like she’s an 8 year old on the playground? What grown person calls a man’s penis a ding-a-ling? *Remembers all of Shahs cast has used that term* Okay, never mind. Shervin immediately denies it all, saying there is no truth to that rumor and GG says she believes him. Too bad that will last about as long as her relationship with Shalom.
Speaking of things that have gone down the tubes, remember Mike’s shoe business? Yeah, just barely, but thanks to a David Bowie look-alike business partner that clearly likes wasting time and money, we are back to this old shoe and dance. Sorry, song and dance. We join Mike in his house, glass coffee table covered with….baby shoes? Yes, baby shoes. Mike is sure he will make more money off baby shoes than adult shoes. And he has big baby shoes to fill too, remembering what a successful patriarch his grandfather was and aspiring to do the same. But first, he needs to invest half a million dollars into this to play with the big boys of the baby shoes business. Is Mike willing to take the gamble? He seems to think it’s worth it and we all know the half a million dollar question is where is he getting that kind of money?
Shervin meets MJ out for lunch so he can confront her about the Tara rumors. MJ is immediately annoyed that this was less about lunch and more about Shervin being a “control freak” and trying to control the damage of her spreading this information. Shervin uses the oldest trick in the book to defend himself: Tara is crazy and therefore, it’s not my fault she’s making it all up. So lemme get this straight – Tara made the whole thing up, ruined her marriage and got kicked out of her house, all because she is cuckoo for Shervy-puffs? I don’t think so, buddy. MJ has the same reaction but decides that Shervin is in denial and since she has been there (uhh what do you mean “been there”, in the past tense?), she’s going to play along with him and just say she believes his side of the story, even when she doesn’t.
Keeping with the theme of denial, MJ is ready to try and get pregnant while she thinks she is ovulating, so she dresses up like a broke down call girl and meets Tommy at a fancy hotel to try and make it happen. Tommy is proud of himself for servicing himself a week ago in preparation for the night and thankfully, Bravo spares us any more of this barf-fest.
It’s time for GG’s 80s themed birthday party at the roller rink and everyone has dressed accordingly, except for a pregnant Asa, who can’t be bothered to care because dressing up when pregnant is really hard, you guys. GG decides to take a moment to tell her that she talked to her doctor and the “baby factory is open for business in two months” and Shalom, the supposed person she would be making a baby with, is also hearing this for the first time. As he breaks out into a sweat and tries to disappear through the floor, GG acknowledges maybe she should have told him her idea first but meh, such is GG. Why waste your time talking to your relationship about your future when you’re just going to ruin it anyway?
When Tara shows up in full leotard, a la Jane Fonda, GG admits that after she went baby shopping with Shervin, he told her that he did sleep with Tara and while GG agreed to cover it up, covering it up doesn’t extend to the Bravo cameras cuz she’s telling it all, folks! Shervin arrives shortly thereafter, sending Tara into an over-dramatic tailspin of whining and pretend leaving the party. When GG comes to talk to her, Tara cries that she wants to make sure GG has her back and Reza comes over to ask Tara why she said anything in the first place. Tara continues to ring her hands, desperate to get the ball rolling on her little show down with Shervin and he doesn’t shy away from it, coming over to ask what’s going on, like he doesn’t know. When Tara tries to let the cat out of the bag, Shervin remains calm and calls her crazy and delusional to her face. While it’s hard to take him seriously dressed in zebra pants and a blonde spiked wig, it’s equally hard to watch Tara doing a Jane Fonda workout of her own, but instead of doing crunches, she’s doing drama flails left and right. Whew, I need a water break! While Tara continues to sweat, Adam, Destiney, Mike and Asa watch from afar, with Adam explaining what’s going on and Asa commenting on how amazing the tacos are.
Reza has had enough and interrupts GG’s smoke break so she can clear things up. She easily admits to Reza that Shervin said he slept with Tara and Reza runs back inside to tell Shervin as much. Shervin then runs out to confront GG as Tara continues to whine about how blinded she was. I’m wondering where Shervin is at on a scale of zero to “why didn’t I just hire a hooker” right now? In the background, Asa is still really into eating her tacos as the drama swirls around her. Finally, Shervin announces that he will tell everyone he did it, just to make everyone happy BUT, that’s not his version of the truth. Ugh, really? So now Shervin is going to go with the “I didn’t do it but I will say I did it just to shut you all up” plan? How many times have we seen this play out, only to have what we knew all along revealed later? *ahem, Mike*
Reza, always eager to make it about him, doesn’t believe Shervin for a second because well, he’s a self-reformed ho and a ho knows. All he wants is for Shervin to be honest so they can move on to picking apart how Asa got pregnant. Guess that’s going to have to wait until next week.
TELL US – ARE YOU BUYING MIKE’S SHOE LINE STORYLINE? IS SHERVIN A CHEATER? DO YOU THINK MJ AND GG REALLY WANT BABIES OR A STORYLINE?
Photo Credit: Bravo TV