Jen sasses Kate

Below Deck Recap: All The Love Money Can’t Buy

On last night’s Below Deck, pretty much everyone was terrible. Except Bruno Duarte. Yes, Bruno was pretty much sugar, spice, and everything nice, but the rest of the crew…

Nico Scholly so does not care about cheating on his girlfriend anymore. From halfway around the world, Melissa is sensing that something is wrong and calling him an extra lot about why he’s distancing her. I mean, other than the whole ‘on a yacht in the sea’ thing, she means like emotional distance. The answer: Brianna Adekeye. Big ol’ UGH on that girl!

While Nico is getting his sea quests on, Matt Burns is trying to reconnect with his ex-girlfriend. He suggests they get together while he’s on leave and is met with a flat-out “Nope.” She’s not interested. Strangely, eerily, after the hot mess express disaster he’s been, Matt takes this in stride… straight to the bar.

Nico & Brianna become bunk-mates

It’s time for another round of Musical Bunkies aboard Valor. This time, the goddess that is Kate Chastain (stirred by the hand of production) decides she feels bad that EJ Jansen is being hazed and ostracized, and being bullied like the high school nerd by the supremely bitchy mean girl Nico. Presently, poor EJ’s only friend is Baker Manning, who sees him as more than just a good leader – she actually likes ’em!

To bond EJ better with the group, Kate organizes a little room change. According to her genius if she could figure out a way to get Nico distracted getting laid by closer proximity to Brianna, he’ll lose interest in making EJ’s life miserable, so she shifts the rooms so Brianna and Nico are now bunkies. It’s the work of the Aqua Devil and sadly, it works!

Jen Howell continues to suck at her job. Like, she is the submarine of stews. Kate is now essentially parenting an extremely bratty pre-teen and there is no Nanny 911 on board. So Kate does her best, but she can’t train Jen, because she can’t make Jen think! If Jen only had a brain… but the wizard that is Captain Lee Rosbach is all out and used his last one on Bruno, alas Kate will have to make do with what she has and leave it up to Aqua Jesus to take care of the rest. (No, he wasn’t back.)

Kate goes to bed and leaves Jen with the apparently arduous task of preparing the breakfast provisions for Brianna’s 5am shift. Of course, Jen doesn’t get done until 3am, something she blames on Kate for making her work hardest of all. Poor Yachterella was so delirious with exhaustion she couldn’t find the oranges that were literally sitting right in front of her face!

The next morning, Brianna awakes to the guests requesting OJ. When Kate comes down, she immediately tattles that Jen didn’t complete her duties. Meanwhile Jen blissfully snoozes until 11am and only wakes up when it’s time to send the guests off. The guests loved everything – except Matt’s chocolate banana imposters with that weird whipped cream. They make a point to let Captain Lee know that it was the only low-point of the trip. EEK!

Yes, I think Jen is essentially a lazy, entitled hot mess who had a dream that yachting would be all luxury living and sunning herself on the poop deck, but Brianna is an egotistical hot mess who loves using Jen to make herself look better, but you can look no further than Nico’s bunk to see the truth!

After a successful charter with a $21,000 tip, Valor docks for some maintenance and the owners gift the crew with a day long break at a luxury resort. HELL-O free booze and lots of bikinis.

Despite saying about 30 times a day that he needs to cut back on his drinking, which is seriously screwing up his life, Matt of course gets loaded, then emotional about why no one loves him. Nico advises him to go have some fun. I mean it’s not like he stole the girl Matt was interested in or anything! Matt doesn’t seem to even remember he took Bri on a date – he must’ve been too drunk. Instead, Matt finds solace in Bruno, who is interested in learning culinary arts, so Bruno’s ‘boss’ Nico permits him to spend some time as Matt’s sous chef. I think the budding chef-ship between Bruno and Matt is super cute.

Nico spent his island time dry-humping Brianna upon the chaises. Get a room you two – oh, wait… And as predicted their first night in their new room, Bri and Nico take their relationship to the next level.

Baker & EJ Connect

Meanwhile, in an interesting development, Baker sets her eyes on EJ. They go shopping in the boutique and flirt, and Baker admits she’s probably the only person on ship who likes EJ. Back on board, Baker clarifies that EJ is technically her boss-boss, before asking him out the next day. EJ is thrilled and super excited.

Only in yachting are you totally permitted to openly date your boss, but I guess there’s no room for career advancement? Baker is a smart one, though, right? Do we think she really liked EJ or is she just making a play for some favoritism by taking advantage of the fact that EJ is his own island right now?

Speaking of islands, Jen is definitely on her own, both because she’s cuckoo and because she’s so bad at her job. Bri is ready to stab her with a butter knife. Kate is tired of Jen screwing up, then claiming she works harder and longer than anyone else. Wearing a “Champagne Champion” sweatshirt, Kate arranges a little stew-off competition – and the stakes are high: the winner gets an extra hour of break next charter. Pitting Jen against Bri, Kate clocks them to see who makes up the room faster.

Jen Vs. Kate

Before the games begin, Jen sasses Kate about not being respected, then complains that Kate is an uninspiring leader who is devaluing her self-worth. She actually claims she’s being discriminated against. For what? Dumb Blondeism? Later while Kate is explaining things, Jen mimics her – snotty-faced little kid-style – behind her back. I fully stand by my belief that Jen and her daughter did a little Freaky Friday swap before she came aboard the Valor.

Bruno consoles Jen

Obviously, Bri is victorious. Jen runs to Bruno to cry over how unfair Kate is because Bri is given special privileges. Bruno, maybe hoping some of the romance going around the trip will pass onto him (but I cannot imagine he would be interested in any sort of fling with Jen who definitely seems like she would be a STAGE 5 Clinger of Lifetime Movie Mother May I Sleep With Danger proportions),  was a consoling, listening ear. While Jen has her meltdown, Kate sits calmly on the sofa in the next room, like a mom who put her kid in timeout and ignores the tantrum.

Brianna argues with Jen

Unfortunately, Bri comes over to reaffirm for Jen all the many things she does wrong – like be late to style her hair everyday, and according to Bri, it’s actually BRI who is pulling more weight! Jen storms away – she gave Bri a friendship bracelet, does that mean nothing to her?!

Poor Jen – she dreamed of being on a yacht for so long and had it built up in her mind as this grand adventure which she missed by getting pregnant. Now realizing it actually sucks; it’s her dreams being destroyed that’s making her crazy pants. She also probably needs to get laid. Too bad Nico was occupado!

Baker may have asked EJ on a date for the wrong reasons, but he’s got nothing but sleaze in his eyes as he prophesies that the only way he can truly know a girl is to get “inside her.” He means insider her mind, not her hoochie-ha, you naughty minded yachties! After a cute date, where they seemed to really connect discussing their lives, EJ declares that he could’ve kissed Baker goodnight, but a gentleman who courts a woman knows he must overwhelm her with surprise, so he saves his greatness by making her squirm. OH, EJ. Dude – we were kinda thinking you were alright! Personally, freak or not, that Baker seems to be (according to Nico). I definitely agree with him that she could tear EJ down and stomp him if he got fresh – and do not mess with a southern girl or her hair!

Matt confides in Nico

Matt and Nico use their port break to hit up a wine bar and whine about girls. Matt, however, sticks to espresso and Perrier. Nico sips on white wine as he complains about Melissa being clingy and all the love he feels for Bri’s close proximity. Matt advises him to live in the moment, and he advises himself to not let the moments get him drunk and disastrous. Nico goes back to the boat and texts Melissa that he’s met someone on board and is breaking up with her. Seriously. Like dude – really?! Nico is tired of living his life for everyone else – it’s time to do him. And Bri. And do Bri he does! He is so arrogant.

Nico and Bri hookup

Bri doesn’t feel bad though – Nico is the one in a relationship, not her, so she’s not a cheater. Or a tattler. Or a brown-noser. She’s just sweet, free-spirited Bri!

Everyone is already in a bad mood when Captain Lee unveils the newest charter. It’s a May-December romance between an elderly but supremely wealthy gentleman and a hot, but supremely annoying younger woman. Everyone is mildly grossed out that these two are going on charter to celebrate their engagement – surely because they are so very madly in love! Kate can tell by looking at Sarah’s photo that she’s going to be the pinnacle of obnoxious.

Obnoxious new charter

Kate was not wrong. Moments after coming on board, no one even thinks Sarah is hot anymore for all her whining, carrying on, and shrieking. The luggage isn’t unpacked fast enough and SARAH WANTS HER SWIMSUIT NOW! The frozen skinny margaritas taste diet! (Kate should’ve snuck a gallon of sugar in them!). The crew is looking at her – but not looking hard enough! She’s not happy with the elliptical machine on board cause it’s taunting her! It goes on and on. And everyone thought Jen was annoying.


[Photo Credits: Bravo]