I have a million and one holiday tasks to do, but damn if I can tear myself away from the drama of 90 Day Fiance – both on the show and on the internet – for even five consecutive minutes to slap a bow on a present. And really, who needs presents when we’ve got the supreme gift of these psychotic lovebirds in our lives for TWO STRAIGHT NIGHTS? Just to clarify, here’s what TLC is doing to us this week: Sunday night was a regular 2-hour installment of 90DF, followed by tonight’s 1-hour finale, followed immediately by 90 Day Fiance: Couples Tell All! You guys – my heart can hardly take it. I’m gonna need to dress up in one of Kentucky-David’s lady mumus and plant myself on the couch for a nice, long cookie coma after this whole mess is over.
In an effort to bring you all of this week’s highlights without having to admit myself into a psych ward, we’ll post a recap tomorrow of tonight’s finale, but not the Tell All. Of course, feel free to snark on ALL of the drama in the comments section in tomorrow’s recap. As we know, there’s no shortage of catastrophic content to discuss! But let’s get through Sunday night’s pile o’ sh*t first. And by that, I mean (in stank order): Molly & Luis, Annie & David, Nicole & Azan, Evelyn & David, Elizabeth & Andrei, and Aika & Josh.
We begin right where we left off last week, in Molly’s house of devil worship, where Luis cowers in fear of plastic owls and vanilla scented candles so he can gaslight Molly into losing her f’ing mind. “It’s just a cop out, dude,” Molly complains to brother Jess. He’s not sure what to tell his delusional sister, so he steps out when Luis slithers down to the kitchen. Molly is left to cry with Kensley, who is unsure how to comfort her mother. Groan! If only these kids could be saved from this sick situation and just let the grown ups ruin their own lives.
A bit later, Molly cries to Jess in the living room, obviously seeing the red flags waving fluorescent crimson before her face. “I guess the big question is what to do now,” says Jess. “Call it off, or…?” Molly doesn’t know. Ah, but we do. We know EVERYTHING since these idiots have allowed cameras to follow them around for the past three months. So the silver lining is that Luis can run, but he can’t hide. Please, please, PLEASE let everyone in Molly’s neighborhood be on high alert if they spot this sketchy dude in the bushes.
Good news! Nicole has returned to the U.S. with her three tank tops fully in tact. She’s only missing one thing: Her future huzzzzzband. When she and May meet her mom, stepdad, and brother for dinner later, her family is just relieved that Nicole kept May alive for two months on her own. Except that she didn’t – Azan’s aunt did. Nicole’s mom, Robbalee, is concerned that Nicole is still deluding herself about Azan being the “one,” especially after Nicole’s serial cheating. “He’s got to get over it!” rails Robbalee, but it’s Nicole’s brother, Thomas, who lays down the truth: Azan doesn’t trust her there, so he won’t trust her here.
Thomas, our new hero, also calls Nicole out on making May call Azan “daddy,” which is hideously inappropriate and confusing for a toddler. He also STRAIGHT UP OUTS HER for making May also call other boyfriends “daddy” in the past. Oh. My. God. Standing ovation for Thomas blowing up her spot on the tee-vee screen!!! Thomas also wonders if Azan isn’t working, what will he do for money? As if they’ve just arrived on Planet Rational, Nicole’s parents suddenly snap to attention. They’re all, Yeah – this is nuts! Why aren’t you thinking about your daughter? What the HELL?! Nicole just forks her food, silently willing the plate to suck her straight in. She’s never listened to reason before, so she won’t be starting now. Plus, that bread basket ain’t gonna eat itself!
In New Hampshire, David is jazzed that his friends have arrived for wedding week. It’s like Greek Week at college, except with apples and Evelyn and culty family bands. So yeah, it sucks. Evelyn’s family is paying for the groomsmen’s tuxes because they’re used to giving in to their daughter’s every whim, no matter what the cost. And that’s how an Evelyn happens, people! #BeWarned David’s friends aren’t big fans of Claremont, Evelyn, or the tuxes she’s handpicked for them. Friend Ricardo especially dislikes this whole scenario.
Ricardo questions David about why he’s
ruining his life by marrying Evelyn, a girl going nowhere except to the local church bazaar to serve up her newfangled quesadilla hotdish. David defends his betrothed, demanding that they “respect who is going to be my wife!” But Ricardo thinks his friend doth protest too much. And now it’s time for our next favorite moment of this episode: Ricardo blowing up David’s game! Apparently, ole’ Davy boy hasn’t even admitted whether he LOVES Evelyn or not yet. He just robotically answers “I’m happy” like the lobotomized victims of Get Out when put under questioning. Whoa.
In Kentucky, Annie has fled the
chigger infested marital bed after being upset by Ashley’s revelations, staying with Chris and Nikki (who’ve flown in for the wedding) before facing off with David at a nearby park. David has apparently been robbing graves during his time off, because he arrives wearing another man’s suit. And I must say it: David in this ill fitting getup is even more jarring than David in his prison uniform/scrubs/lady lounge wear. It’s just…troubling.
As they scope out a spot
where he will dump her body months from now, Annie finally turns on him – she wants to know about David’s past. Ashley says he’s a cheater! David warns her that she has a past too (and according to the Google machine, it may be a bit more than meets the eye with this chick…see above photo). But David snarks that she can take the ring back that Chris bought and go if she wants to. “You’ve made your choice! You chose them over me!” he accuses, telling Annie if she goes back to Chris and Nikki, she’ll never see him again. (Ooh, promise?)
Annie is no innocent victim here, but she sure likes playing one on TV. When David returns after his unsuccessful struggle to climb a slight incline, he sits down with Annie at a restaurant. Crying his best crocodile tears, David complains how difficult it’s been to face his “demons.” He thinks “everything was perfect in Asia!” but now it’s all falling apart. So, he’s just a broke loser in Kentucky? Nah. But Annie’s got to be okay with the broke loser she knows rather than an uncertain future with no water buffalo. Thus, it’s back to the firehouse she goes! She’ll marry him. She’d rather look at his face every day for the rest of her life across the breakfast table than go back to that “karaoke bar” (quotes intentional…ahem) she met him in.
In Florida, Andrei and Elizabeth are still talking about Libby’s sisters. Because Libby likes it that way. She’s set up a situation in which her family hates Andrei, and Andrei hates her family. And, truly, the only one to blame for this disaster is herself. But instead of looking inward, Elizabeth just cosigns Andrei’s plan to confront her sister, Jen, about taking her phone away at the bachelorette party. Jen obliges, meeting Andrei for dinner. She admits that taking her sister’s phone away was a “test” of sorts. She wanted to see if Andrei got controlling and angry…um, which he did.
Instead of letting the issue die its imminent death, Andrei stokes the fire by saying he doesn’t want people at his wedding who “test” him! Jen doesn’t care what Andrei thinks. She’ll be at the wedding no matter who likes her or not. And she claims she would’ve tested anyone who dates Libby – not just Moldovian suitors. The two seem okay with each other by the end of the meal, but this truce will last approximately as long as it takes for Elizabeth to throw her family under the bus once again. She’s probably sitting home this very minute, reapplying lipstick and rehearsing her hissy fit in the mirror.
We cut back to Atlanta, where Molly is still bawling her eyes out to brother Jess. The scales have fallen from her eyes and she sees the obstacles for what they are: Luis is too young, too immature, resistant to having stepkids, and a stranger in a strange land. It’s not working out like she thought it would. Olivia comes in to counsel her mom. She wants Molly to be happy and thinks she needs to make a decision for herself – not anyone else. But, uh…isn’t that what got Molly into this mess? Now is EXACTLY the time she needs to think of others, especially her children. GET IT TOGETHER, WOMAN!!!
Back in the bedroom of hoodoo and witchery, Luis is lounging on the bed, calling his bro to pick up his despicable, ignorant a$$. Molly wails on the couch, lamenting the fact that she’ll have to tell everyone “it’s off!” But wait – according to the internet (which is always right – right?!) they did get hitched in July of 2017. So – what gives? Hmm. We’ll have to wait to find out…
It’s time to check in with Josh and Aika, who are still counting sperm and eggs as they travel to Vegas for their quickie wedding. After arriving, the first order of business is introducing Aika to Josh’s parents. (And I’ll have you know that I just took no less than THREE screenshots of Josh smiling, and nary an upper tooth made an appearance. So, I’m convinced homeboy is only working with a bottom grill until further evidence is proffered.) Josh’s mom, Sue, is not a big fan of Josh’s rush to the altar since he’s got two failed marriages behind him.
Sue also doesn’t frankly understand what anyone sees in her son. Bwahahahaha! Okay, give me a minute. Oh, how I love a good mom diss. Aika calls Josh her “Romeo,” then drops the bomb: She wants his baby. Sue is shocked, not mincing words about what a sh*tty dad Josh already is. She can’t believe he’s pondering bringing another child into the world, considering he was never a dad to his son and daughter (who are now grown) with wife #1. Josh blames his horrible fathering on a “bad relationship” with his ex, which is like blaming Josh’s ears for his face. It’s just…a reach. Aika almost cries off all her fake lashes in “compassion” for poor Joshy, when really she should be crying for that future fatherless child she’s planning with him. GAWD. I am UGH-ing all the UGHs that ever UGGGGHHHED right now!!!
In KY, David meets Chris out for drinks to discuss the Annie situation. Chris isn’t convinced that “everything’s fine!” like David says, and he’d like to know the truth since this is essentially his problem. He and Nikki are Annie’s sponsors for 10 years, after all. Chris wants further assurances from his bestie. Will he get a job? Will he support his wife? Will he be able to survive the hit his kids have already taken out on him? “I love the underdog,” smiles Chris, who sure got more than he bargained for with Deadbeat David. Instead of giving him the tough love (or sucker punch) he really needs, Chris instead agrees to pay for a big wedding. That’ll teach him! Of course, David is smug about the whole scenario, reflecting on what a good decision it’s been for Chris to “invest” in him. Uh, excuse me. That stock is NOT going up, sir!
Evelyn is back at the Cormier family compound trying on her Laura Ingalls Wilder wedding dress (no shade to L.I.W. who RULES and in no way should be associated with Evelyn, who totally sucks). Her mom and bridesmaids think Evelyn is looking Little House on the Prairie fabulous, but Evelyn is just excited thinking about those racy flesh-colored granny panties she has tucked away for later. While she gets photos snapped and is whisked away to the church, David is in a panic about the rings – Ricardo is late getting them! Oh well. Claremont will wait.
Molly is also waiting in GA, but not for her wedding day. No – she’s waiting for insanity to set in once again, which it will any moment. Until then, her mom, Becky, comes by to ruin the one moment of lucidity her daughter has before everyone’s life goes to sh*t again. Becky wonders what’s going on? Molly says Luis can’t take it – the U.S., the kids, the responsibilities of marriage and fatherhood. Molly canceled the entire wedding and plans to donate the dress, but is still unsure. Becky stupidly mourns not having a “fun” wedding to attend. But she supports Molly no matter what – or so she says.
Back in Vegas, Josh puts on his best non-sleeveless shirt for the big day while Aika stomps through the hotel lobby in jean shorts and a wedding veil. And I’ll just say it again: This show is GOLD. A hapless viewer stumbling on this 30-second scene alone would immediately know they’re in the presence of reality TV greatness.
At the chapel, Josh’s rag tag assortment of family members and roommates are gathered. Aika and Sue put the finishing touches on her
rented dress in back while Josh warms up his gums for the marital kiss. Aika wishes her own mother could be there, but Sue will have to do. Hey – at least she’s #TeamAika. When Josh sees his third bride walking toward him, he knows he made the right decision. Again. Sue hopes this is the last time she has to fly to Vegas for one of Josh’s weddings. She’s surely used up all her United points by now, no? “Till death do us part, right?” asks Josh afterward. “I wish. I mean, I’m you’re third marriage, so I hope so,” snarks Aika.
Still awaiting their blessed day in KY, David and Annie discuss their issues in a cinderblock-walled room that looks like a prison visitor’s lounge. Sadly, I think this is the best view of their apartment. The word “Storage” literally hangs on the door behind David’s head as he cheers his newfound success and how he’s reinvented himself! Annie side eyes his self-congratulatory speech, wondering why David thinks he’s a big man when it’s Chris who’s paying for their apartment, car, and wedding – not to mention the hot dogs they’ll roast on sticks over a trashcan fire later.
But big man David isn’t done flashing his panache yet! No, no. He’s got a WHOLE two hundred dollars for Annie to spend on her wedding dress. Like Charlie before Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory did him a solid, Annie is thrilled with the small crumbs tossed her way. She’s rich! Embarrassed at how little money David’s given Annie, Nikki comes to the rescue, promising to help Annie get any dress she wants at the shop. She and Chris will not be seen at a wedding (funded by them) with a bride in a two-dollar dress.
Annie ends up finding a $318 strapless number that she loves, so she calls David to see if he’ll pay. It’s about $317 over David’s savings account, but after much protestation, he claims that they’ll “make it work.” Well – no they won’t! Because David’s card is immediately declined. Nikki isn’t surprised at all, calmly handing over her Visa while she manages not to roll her eyes ALL the way back in her head. David’s plan worked perfectly. Big man, indeed.
In case that wasn’t awful enough to witness, we must make one final pitstop in Georgia, where Luis is on his way out. His brother and friend come to fetch him, ferrying him and his lone suitcase off to his Mohamed-like destiny. I say Mohamed because, guess what folks: MOLLY AND LUIS ARE ALREADY MARRIED. Yes, they filed the paperwork and are legally married, and have been during much of this show’s filming. The whole wedding day plot was just that – a plot. Molly’s family (or at least, her daughters) are unaware of this, as are the producers, who are piiiisssssssed!!!!! Oh boy, are they not happy with our girl Molly right now.
In our final scene, cameras actually break the fourth wall, focusing their shaky lens on Molly and a ground producer discussing the situation. The producer needs to know WTF is going on right now! Molly just cries and hangs her head in shame, knowing the gig is up. But for us hearty souls who have traversed the Danielle–Mohamed journey through four stormy seasons, we know this exquisite disaster is JUST beginning. Luis, your trifling a$$ better go call up Mo! Oh wait – he had to ghost the world on social media and change his number to avoid being offed by his ex-wife. So. You may want to take a lesson, homie.
Well, folks. Pop your popcorn. Drink 12-15 Diet Cokes. (I’m already way ahead of ya.) You’re going to need major fortification to take in all the drama of tonight’s finale and Tell All!
Writer’s Note: Check out my NEW podcast, Pink Shade With Erin Martin, for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90DF & more!) – plus a deep dive into cults & the supernatural. Now available on Podbean, Stitcher, and iTunes!
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Photo Credit: TLC